Hey khamanna,

Very pleased that you liked it. Yeah, it's pretty dark and twisted, I love like that. I've done a rewrite but I'm waiting a few weeks then I'll go over it again and see if I've missed anything. That should take care of all the issues mentioned in this thread.

Unfortunately, my 7WC is in a real state but I still think it's salvageable. Thanks a lot for reading, I will give your script "11" a read later on and post my thoughts.

Brian

Hey Brian.

Thought I would dust this one off since the holiday season is upon us.
This is a fun read, lots and lots of nifty imagery here.
It reads like demented sugar plums dancing through my head.

I did have a few sticking points, obviously, the kid would not be at the crime scene.
The mouse idea I don't think was fully realized, I think it could use some touch up.
Like...Mommy's scared, its actually a rat. Better motivation to send kid to his room.
Daddy explains corpse to kid, "It was a bad rat, so I sent it to Heaven."
I think I'd prefer something like that to explain the whole incidental murder thing.
Does that make any sense?
The Santa recognition bothered me, why only get upset in his lap?
The kid knows what Santa looks like, wouldn't he be upset and cause a scene in line?

I thought there was a couple points you could have capitalized on better with the porn.

SHARON (V.O.)
Oh, good! Is it in your sack,
Santa?
SANTA CLAUS (V.O.)
No...it’s in my pants.


I thought for sure you were gonna say, "No...but its right above my sack." LOL


WRIGHT
My kid loves this show.
Detective Nolan looks at him like he’s from another planet.
Detective Wright hits ‘PLAY’ on the DVD player.
6.
A SCREAM from the TV! Detective Wright drops the DVD case,
stares on in shock.


I kinda expected Nolan to say..."Well then your kids need f*ucking therapy, Al."
I know, I'm awful, but its what popped in my head. *hides*

Anyway, this is a real fun read, look forward to more of your stuff!

Cheers!
E.D.

Hi,

Thanks a bunch for reading and posting. Some great suggestions, too.

I actually did a rewrite on this a while back but haven't uploaded the new version yet. It fixes the issues mentioned, but I think I'll go back and make some more changes based on your feedback.

The porn line, ha ha! You have no idea how many suggestions I've had for that one line, on this thread and through PMs. I was so lazy when I wrote that line!

Thanks again for reading. I'll be reading your short and watching/commenting again on Red Sun very soon, the weekend at the latest.

Brian

Brian,

I really enjoyed this script.  The story pulled me in from the beginning, and the more I read, the more I didn't want it to end.  What an interesting ending.  I had a feeling it was who I suspected, but I didn't know how the parents would meet their demise.  Very dark, and horrific tale.  The script read very easy, and was satisfying with each page turn.  Again, I wish it didn't end.  But, like they say, all good things come to an end.  This was truly a dark horror tale.