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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Soulshadows II: My Soul To Take Moderators: bert
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  Author    Soulshadows II: My Soul To Take  (currently 6053 views)
The boy who could fly
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ste, thanks for the read, I'm glad you liked most of it.  I know the locket isn't in it a lot, but I did think it was in it enough, or maybe I'm wrong   But I see where you're coming from.  Thanks again for giving this a read!


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Tommyp
Posted: December 20th, 2009, 10:03pm Report to Moderator
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Jordan, just read this one - it's a very cool story.

I thought there was a good amount of time between the two locations, and there was enough of the locket.

I thought the dialogue between Sam and Travis was a bit on the nose at times, but the war dialogue was great.

I haven't read any of the other Soulshadow scripts, so I don't have anything to compare it to, but overall this script worked out really well.

Good stuff.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: December 22nd, 2009, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tommy!! Thanks for the read and comments!!


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: December 28th, 2009, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jordan,

SLIGHT SPOILER!

I got to read this one today and read the previous comments. I really liked the buildup, I really liked the dialogue, I really liked that you changed the flow of where the series is going. I feel uncomfortable though is with the ending where the supernatural element happens. I think this script will stand by itself without the locket and that's what I see as the problem, IMO. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the locket should have played a essiential part to this like protecting Trevor's life at the end.  Maybe that's cliche but it's a suggestion. Other than, I liked it.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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The boy who could fly
Posted: January 1st, 2010, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Gabe, thanks for the read, glad you liked it!


Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Hey Jordan,
SI guess what I'm trying to say is that the locket should have played a essiential part to this like protecting Trevor's life at the end.


But he has to die in the end to fit in with the series, but I see what you're saying.  Thanks again for the read!


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Shelton
Posted: January 18th, 2010, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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Bump time.

I remember reading this way back when around the time you finished, before the Tanis parts, and enjoyed it.  That assesment still stands.

I noticed a couple replies while glancing through feedback that mention the locket, but I think it's there enough to know that it's the focal point.

Travis and Samantha have a pretty basic relationship goign on here, but mixing in their interaction with what's going on in the war keeps it interesting.

I don't usually listen to the Iscripts of these, but I might have to check this one out.  Mainly to hear how they did Tanis' exclamations, but to hear the war dialogue as well.

Nice work.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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jayrex
Posted: January 18th, 2010, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Hello Jordan,

I've been quite torpid lately, but finally got around to read your effort.

It's not bad overall as a war story, pretty good as a drama overall.  But as I was expecting a supernatural story with some-sort of mystical powers for this locket, which didn't materialise, I was kinda left disappointed.

Not sure what the locket was for as it didn't really feature.  The story between Travis and Samantha was good, as it broke up the war scenes with the romance.  I know war is ugly but some of the descriptions were very detailed.  I literally recoiled after reading eye jelly.

Other than the missing supernatural element, it was a fine drama.  It was a quick & easy read.

Tanis was also enjoyable to read.

Javier

I found errors.

Pg 5 - bottom - Merchant, ...I am too old now.
Pg 15 - Wouldn't the Captain Bannerman request for the translator?  Pretty useful that the Captain can speak German, but isn't something we would usually expect.
Pg 25 - ...out in different directions.
Pg 29 - Change barley for barely.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: January 21st, 2010, 1:45am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads mike and Jayrex


Quoted from Shelton

I don't usually listen to the Iscripts of these, but I might have to check this one out.  


You should, that guy did a really good job, I was pretty impressed.

Thanks again you two for the reads.


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Asconch
Posted: January 13th, 2011, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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I thought it was a nice little story, I could almost picture it being an episode of "Tales from the darkside" or "Tales from the Crypt".

I did notice some grammatical issues, but those are easy fixes. It definitely read quick, which is great, but there were some things that made it stumble a bit. I'm probably just being picking but, for example,

               CAPTAIN BANNERMAN
              they’re going
              to know that we know that they’re
              out there.

It just seems like a lot of "knows" bouncing around in there.

Maybe something like :

               CAPTAIN BANNERMAN
              they’'re going to figure out we know they're nearby.

The other thing that I was kind of confused by ( which I noticed other people touched on as well) was the locket. It hinted towards some real supernatural element that was going to pan out, but, nothing really happened. I just thought you could have played on the locket a bit more. Even just a quick little thing during some action part, like a bullet ricochets off the locket and when he takes it out to look at it, the lockets unscathed.

I don't know, just my input.

I'm a "noob" don't listen to this guy!


"The ideas dictate everything, you have to be true to that or you're dead." -David Lynch
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The boy who could fly
Posted: January 13th, 2011, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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Holy guacamole, man this got dug up from the ashes.  Thanks for the read Asconch.  I know most people think I should have used the locket more, and maybe they're right, it's been ages since I looked at this, there is probably a lot I would change now.  I do remember I wanted to do a war story cuz I thought it would be a nice switch for the series.  Anywho, thanks again for taking the time to read this and giving me your thoughts, much appreciated   


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