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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Dreamer Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Dreamer  (currently 4117 views)
Elmer
Posted: February 18th, 2010, 1:22am Report to Moderator
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Thanks so much guys for checking my script out! I really appreciate the detailed feedback.

I apologize for taking so long to acknowledge your comments. I've been getting ready to move and haven't had much time to be on the computer.

Again, thanks. And I'll do my best to read some of your work as soon as I can.

-Chris
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Thornton
Posted: October 24th, 2010, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Chris (or is it Landon?)

So that was an interesting and enjoyable read. I haven't read your other reviews so if I repeat stuff apologies. Here's my thoughts.....

I suspect you might be criticised by a few for the use of we and us etc. Personally, not bothered in the slightest. You have a few spelling/grammar issues but nothing to put me off. Formatting seems fine in that I could pretty clearly tell what was happening most of the time.

Not sure how it would come out on film, but from a read-thru' it has a melodic feel to it, with an almost dreamlike pacing that worked wonderfully with the topic. Visually on the verge of stunning on a couple of occasions, although the piece with the 'vortex' was OTT for me in that I started to switch off - difficult balancing act which for the most part was on the right side for me.

I think your dialogue was good, but could be even better if you tightened it up in a few places.  Personally, I think in places you just have a few too many words.

The story: it was good, but sorry, it left me ever so slightly unsatisfied. The reason: I didn't quite get it, or more precisely I think there could be a number of things you're trying to say; I'd just like to be clearer on what exactly you are saying. My guess would be that it is only in death that we are truly free - in other words: life is constrained by physical limitations; when we die, we are released from these physical constraints and it is the 'life' that we truly want to lead.

As said, it was good. For me it would be even better if I could just be a little clearer on the message.

All the best,
Thornton
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jcolon2
Posted: December 26th, 2010, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, I am going to speak from an actor's perspective rather than that of a writer.

I would love to see this script made into a feature. Like everyone else has said, there is much that has been left unexplored and unexplained. I want to know more about this world and the people who populate it. It would be great to learn more about the other characters of this world, perhaps we could learn a little more about people like Tyra.

It is a beautiful script. I feel by adding a character or two more, we could get a wide range of emotions and backstories that explain this mysterious world to us.


"Art is literacy of the heart" Elliot Eisner
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Craiger6
Posted: December 26th, 2010, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jcolon2
Ok, I am going to speak from an actor's perspective rather than that of a writer.

I would love to see this script made into a feature. Like everyone else has said, there is much that has been left unexplored and unexplained. I want to know more about this world and the people who populate it. It would be great to learn more about the other characters of this world, perhaps we could learn a little more about people like Tyra.

It is a beautiful script. I feel by adding a character or two more, we could get a wide range of emotions and backstories that explain this mysterious world to us.


JC,

I read this script a while back, and I enjoyed it.  I don't mean to hijack the thread, but your comment struck a cord with me.  I take it you are an actor first, and not a writer, so what appealed to you about this script?  What is it that an actor looks for?  What catches an actor's eye in terms of a scirpt.

This might be a naive question, but I don't know many actors, and this could be useful info from a writer's persepctive.

Craig


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jcolon2
Posted: December 27th, 2010, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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Craiger,

I write. However; I have only created one script thus far. I am primarily an actor. However, take my advice with a grain of salt. I have yet to really seek work; I am in the process of completing my training in Manhattan.

Anyway, every actor is different. Many actors will simply pick a script that has a character they think they fit physically, mentally, or emotionally. However, when I read a script, I am constantly thinking to myself "will this script allow me to stretch my acting muscle?" I personally gravitate toward scripts that are dramatic or have a psychological aspect. Two actors that I think have a great eye for scripts are Meryle Streep and Leonardo Dicaprio. I don't like scripts that are cheesy. i want a script that tells a story and will give me the freedom and the overall ability to help tell that story. I want a script that I can make strong decisions with. Scripts where the character is too safe are boring, but that is jsut my opinion. In Brokeback Mountain the two protagonists could make very strong decisions. In, 'The Dark Knight' strong decisions could be made. In 'the 25th Hour' and 'The Devil Wears Prade' strong decisions could be made. I can go on forever. Actors, whether or not they want to admit it, just want a chance to play a character. however, good actors (in my opinion) seek roles that are out of their comfort zone and/or allow them to make strong decisions. We want to stretch our acting chops and show what we can do- we like to tell stories and strike emotional chords.

With all that said, I am available for hire (and will work for free : ) ) I am looking to gain experience!

And btw, your scripts are very good. Not trying to score brownie points lol


"Art is literacy of the heart" Elliot Eisner

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
jcolon2  -  December 27th, 2010, 8:57pm
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 29th, 2010, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Landon,

Congrats on completing a short. It's a good sense of accomplishment.
I have to be honest, this script pis*ed me off.
Not because it's bad, but because I kept waiting for it to get going.
You did a fine job setting it up with V.O. on the first three pages.
I was hooked, iconic imagery, family figures and a spiritual mystery. I'm in.
I was ready to go, when Tyra says the dream started again...
I thought were were going to slam into real time story telling. No such luck.
More V.O. followed by the typical dour dystopian doctor exposition extravaganza.
Nothing after page 3 lives up to the effective premise you laid out.
My advice, for what its worth being just an unproduced amateur myself...
Drop into real time when the dreams start again and make a feature from there.
Lose the doctor crap, unless she escapes quickly, have her connect with others.
Tyra's quest to find other Key Holders could be a nice way to unfold your world.
The reason i say loose the doctor junk is because that movie was already done.
An indie feature called "Closet Land" starring Alan Rickman and Madeline Stowe.

This is your first script? Ambitious character centric premise, good on you!
So, fantastic three pages, now go immerse yourself in that world.
And bring us the story you come back through that door with and write it.   

Thanks for sharing and post a new draft soon!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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jcolon2
Posted: December 29th, 2010, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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I love the idea of having her on a wuest to find other key holders! That would make for a great feature. It would be cool to see the chronology of the film messed with, as if everything has already happened but the pieces of her story are not told in chronological order.
Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Landon,

Drop into real time when the dreams start again and make a feature from there.
Tyra's quest to find other Key Holders could be a nice way to unfold your world.
Regards,
E.D.




"Art is literacy of the heart" Elliot Eisner
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jwent6688
Posted: December 29th, 2010, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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FADE IN: - on right side? How dare thee...

a YOUNGER TYRA is revealed - You haven't even intro'd Tyra at this point. How would we know she's younger?

What's the deal with <> to encapsulate the END DREAM SEQUENCE? Never saw that in a script.

Inconsistent writing, If you're gonna use (Cont'd) on blocks of dialogue by the same character that are interupted by action, continue it all the way through your script. Some argue it's not needed, I love it. I'm of the belief many skim scripts based on dialogue alone. Eventhough I always read the whole script, this helps those who don't have the patience, which also helps you IMO.

Wow, this is an impressive piece Landon. Extremely visual verses most shorts I've read. I quite enjoyed this. It's very cereberal for lack of a better term. I'm gonna sit and think about this one for a bit. Which, makes it an effective short IMO. Good work...

James


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jwent6688
Posted: December 29th, 2010, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Colkurtz8
I've never heard of "Brazil"

-- Definitely check it out, Chris, if you get the chance. Although quiet different from your vision, it’s an excellent exploration of a dehumanising, dystopian future/dream(e)scaping with a liberal sprinkle of Pythonesque humour thrown in for good measure, it is Gilliam after all


Chris, Landon,....  ma?  just gonna tell ya I think Col is smart. There are so many words in that quote that I have no idea wtf they mean... Time to go back to school.

James



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Elmer
Posted: January 2nd, 2011, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
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I really appreciate all of you taking time to read my script. I'm glad most of you have seemed to enjoy it and I'm thankful for all the new ideas that I will definitely take into consideration when I begin moving forward with a new draft/feature film version of this script.

I'll be sure to do my best to check out scripts by all of you and leave some feedback.

Thanks again,

Chris
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Dressel
Posted: March 21st, 2011, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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Chris,

I think you've got the makings of a really interesting story here, but I don't think it's quite there yet.

First off, I'm not really digging the V.O.  It seems to cloud the piece up, and I think you could easily get everything across by simply showing it to us.  I know you'd probably be hesitant to lose this because it quite literally conveys the message of the piece, but I think it would add a lot of power to use it.  It would allow the audience to not only think for themselves but leave some breathing room so they could enjoy the piece a lot more.  As it is right now, I feel like I don't have the time to enjoy anything, because there's always V.O telling me what I should be enjoying.

Story-wise, like I said, I think it could be a really great story, but as it is right now, it just leaves too many questions up in the air.  For one, I'd want to know more about the type of society she's living in.  As it is, it's introduced fairly late in the game, and when it is, it comes off as confusing.  Like, "Wait, why are they locking her up?"  I don't know if this was intentional on your part, but I think going in depth a little more on where she lives is essential.

Other than that, I think everything's solid.  I mean, I've looked at the above-listed comments and it seems like everyone has brought to your attention the formatting issues, but besides that, I think (with some corrections) this could be a tight little script.

-Matt


CHECK OUT MY WEB SERIES

The Pilot is Dead

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Elmer
Posted: March 25th, 2011, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Matt, I really appreciate you taking time to read and comment on this.

I honestly agree with you about the voice-over thing. It seemed like the only way to convey the amount of information within the least amount of time, but it didn't really turn out as well as I had hoped.

Thanks again, it'll really help as I dive into another draft.

-Landon

Revision History (1 edits)
Elmer  -  March 28th, 2011, 3:09pm
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B.C.
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Hey there. If you sort out the format and sentence structure problems that are quite obvious, you might on to a real winner here. For a first script this is very impressive. You have created a visually stunning world right off the bat, alot of people spend years trying to create that, Well done.

I personally didn't mind the use of Voice Over - but whats actually is being said in them could maybe be a bit stronger.  

Like other people have said, there's a bit of Brazil, Truman Show, Dark City, even a bit of Clockwork Orange going on. Really liked it. It actually reminded of the world's Clive Barker creates when he writes stories aimed for a younger audience. And thats the best compliment I can give. Lovely imagery.  

Re-write this badboy, could be something really special!  
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Elmer
Posted: March 28th, 2011, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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Confession: I've noticed that a lot of people are referring to this as my first script. It is actually not, unfortunately. I have a few stinkers from a few years ago. haha I'm sorry for not clearing that up sooner.

Thanks for reading, Basket. Your compliments are encouraging and your feedback much needed.

I'm outlining a second draft right now. Probably won't end up being a feature, but it should be quite a bit longer than 11 pages. Hopefully everyone will check it out once it's finished.

Thanks again, I'll be sure to check out some of your work in return.

-Landon
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leitskev
Posted: May 2nd, 2011, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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Hey Landon

Even though this type of story has been done in many forms, they are still enjoyable, and you still managed to give it some unique aspects, such as with the key. There are some things here that are tough to figure out if you try to understand too specifically what is happening or what they mean, but this is probably intentional on your part, as the goal seems to get people to reflect on the nature of reality and consciousness, as well as individual identity and freedom of thought.

I think there is always potential for this kind of thing to be turned into a short film. I would suggest tightening and shortening the VO to have a better chance at that. Also, the big selling point would be the powerful images of a cheaply created reality, with boundaries and artificial ceilings and stuff. You could consider expanding that some.

Another cool thing could be to have someone on the outside trying to look in to this world. Maybe there is a figure drawn on the edge, the city limits, moving a little and looking in.

Lots of potential here, and things were generally well executed. You might ease up on the torture part, make it more the kind of torment you see in this kind of institution, as opposed to something more seen in a Saddam Husein jail.

There was a series on Sci Fi channel a couple of years ago with the actor who played Gandalf, I think called the Prison, but I forget. This reminded me of that.

Glad I found this Landon!
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