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Hey, very nice piece. I think everyone else covered most of what I noticed.
A couple places were missing commas, especially around 'sir'. If a titles in the middle of dialogue it probably needs commas on either side. A couple times you referred to people/calvary being 'gone'. Obviously nobody would be gone, there would just be body parts. Unless you want them to disappear, like they were chess pieces being removed, but I think that would have to be clarified a bit. Some of the dialogue was a bit stilted. Could just be the antiquated english and all, but I think it could use a little work. Also might want to cut the ending a tad shorter. Just once the reveal has been made, theres not really much else to say.
Good stuff though, definately enjoyed it
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Yeah, I've since been doing a bit of editing regarding the commas for this story and my other one. I think I've picked up most of the missing commas.
Regarding the cavalry being "gone", yeah I was trying to be subtle in light of the ending, but I figured a few eagled eyed readers would pick up on it. Have to give it some thought on how to improve that.
Interesting take on the ending after the reveal. Will take that under consideration.
Saw you had done a historical piece, so thought I'd give that a read too seeing as you took the time over my historical script. A lot has already been said, so I'm only going to put what I think are new comments.
My big issue is that I didn't think the battle scene worked historically or would work in filming. The reason is that you seem to be caught between two places. You describe it as a major, large scale battle, but then a lot of the action only works if it is a small skirmish. I think you've got to decide on one or the other. Here are some examples of what I mean:
1. I don't think it's plausible that someone in a big battle would send a note to the medical tent asking for a single volunteer. Why was a single volunteer worth anyone's while. I don't know about this particular battle, but these battles were fought with thousands or tens of thousands of soldiers. In this context, I don't think it's plausible that one person would be so significant
2. The cannon Maggie fires knocks down some soldiers and they celebrate. As I said earlier, this only works if it's a skirmish. In a battle the smoke would be so dense that you'd be lucky to see a few yards in front, nevermind track the shot like a golfball and see where it lands
3. The battle seems to turn on Robert's diversion with a few men. Again, this might work in a very small encounter but isn't plausible in a major battle
I think to make this work and filmable you need to reengineer it as a much smaller affair. That way you can more easily weave the personal stories in.
Great twist! And a good script. Although - as a Brit - it pains me to say it given the subject matter...
When I initially conceived the idea I wanted to try and be historically accurate, but after doing some research, I didn't think that I could pull it off. Certainly not in the amount of space I wanted to devote to the story.
In addition to not being historically accurate, the battle scenes overall were a big concern for me as this was only the second thing that I had written and I was concerned that they wouldn't be engaging enough. That said, I definetly see where you are coming from. After reading "Munich" and the great pains you went through to achieve historical accuracy, I was a bit embarrassed at my effort. haha.
As far as it being filmable, well, unless I hit the lotto, that seems unlikely. Historically accurate or not. That said, if I choose to expand on it, I'll try and do a better job in that regard.
Thanks again for the read and the valuable tips. Much appreciated.
Hi Craig, this is the last of your four shorts that I haven't read yet. I didn't look at the previous comments so this may be repetitive.
For the most part, this story reminds me of Pearl Harbor: a love triangle in the midst of a national war. It's a good template to use. But somehow it suffers from the same mistakes from that movie as well.
Here are something I like: the writing, the setting, the atmosphere, the emotion near the end. You've painted a vivid picture of 1777 United States and it was very easy for me to immerse with the setting.
Each character is distinctive, not stereotypical. Margaret is a strong woman who wants to help out at war, Paul comes from a farmboy background while Robert is at the opposite end of the spectrum. There were some great tension at the camp site when the three meet. But it kinda dissipated a bit too fast, I hope you can ramp up the tension more.
All is good, but once the battle takes precedence, it feels like two different stories got stitched together.
First, Margaret really didn't do much (what I mean is she didn't affect anybody, especially Paul and Robert) for the second half of the script. She was like an outsider doing her own things in helping out the war. She was like Kate Beckinsale, the nurse in Pearl Harbor. She saved a lot of lives, but didn't do much in the whole scheme of the story.
The battle scenes were really well-written. And if you can get Margaret more involved at the battlefield, or even better, have her interact with both Paul and Robert, that would make her character more organic.
Maybe it's just me, the ending with the chess tournament didn't feel right to me. It just feels the tone is completely off from the rest of the script. At first, I thought people in the auditorium were watching the events that we just experienced on TV. That'd make me groan.
It's a risk to end the story with a completely different set of characters. We were experiencing the events, going along with the ride, and then we were suddenly taken out of the story into another world. This leaves very little resolution and closure for your original story. So what's gonna happen with Margaret and Robert after Paul died? Are they gonna be together even Paul is the one who Margaret loves?
I understand what you're trying to achieve with the chess game. Paul is the last pawn and his bravery and sacrifice leads to their victory. Is there another way you can say the same thing but within the same 1777 United States world?
Writing-wise, there were several missing commas, sometimes too prose-like but that adds to the imagery of the scene. Who's James? A typo?
So, I did enjoy it, but wish for a different ending. Good job.
Herman
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Ahh...so Margaret is actually a real person, and on wikipedia, it says Margaret was with her husband at the battlefield the entire time.
Do you think it's a stretch to have your Margaret character joining Paul, or Robert?
BTW, were you a novel writer before you take on screenwriting?
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Thanks for taking the time to read this one. It’s actually funny that you comment on this one, because I entered this in a contest a while back. While I was lucky enough to make it through the first round, I was unceremoniously booted from t he competition yesterday. I was a little disappointed, but your feedback comes at a really good time.
I think that some of the things that you’ve hit upon are things that I need to re-evaluate.
“You've painted a vivid picture of 1777 United States and it was very easy for me to immerse with the setting.”
Glad it worked for you in this sense. One of my major concerns was whether the writing would feel authentic.
“But it kinda dissipated a bit too fast, I hope you can ramp up the tension more.”
I suppose I could have drawn out the love triangle a bit longer, but with a short, I’m always concerned about space.
“First, Margaret really didn't do much (what I mean is she didn't affect anybody, especially Paul and Robert) for the second half of the script. She was like an outsider doing her own things in helping out the war.”
Right. She gets involved, but not with the two main characters. I think you mentioned that you want to get her right on the battlefield where there could be further interaction between the three characters. I think this is a good point.
“The battle scenes were really well-written.”
Glad this worked for you, as it was my first stab at “action” scenes, so I didn’t know if it would work.
“It's a risk to end the story with a completely different set of characters. We were experiencing the events, going along with the ride, and then we were suddenly taken out of the story into another world. This leaves very little resolution and closure for your original story. So what's gonna happen with Margaret and Robert after Paul died? Are they gonna be together even Paul is the one who Margaret loves?”
I hear you. I think the ending, depending upon how much the rest of the story grabs the reader; can either be this whole story’s best friend, or worst enemy. If you enjoyed the whole love triangle thing, then you are probably going to be left hollow by the ending. Alternatively, if you were so-so about that whole scene, then perhaps the ending saves it for you. The truth is, I have no idea what happens to these three, because their whole creation was borne out of the idea of the ending which a buddy of mine shared with me. I thought it was a really cool idea, and then ran with it.
“Writing-wise, there were several missing commas, sometimes too prose-like but that adds to the imagery of the scene. Who's James? A typo?”
Thanks to some of the earlier comments, I’ve updated this (though it’s not posted), and I think I got most of the commas and stuff like that. Yeah, James is a typo from another story.
“Ahh...so Margaret is actually a real person, and on wikipedia, it says Margaret was with her husband at the battlefield the entire time.
Do you think it's a stretch to have your Margaret character joining Paul, or Robert?”
Yeah, I kind of borrowed her likeness. Hope she doesn’t mind. Haha. To answer your question though, no I don’t think it’s a stretch. I’ll think about how I can change some things around.
“BTW, were you a novel writer before you take on screenwriting?”
Nah, the whole of my authorship is listed below in chronological order. And now that I say that, it’s none to impressive. Haha. Seriously though, thanks for the read Herman, as always, it is much appreciated.
Just intro YOUNG MAN as PAUL GANDER. wastes space to do otherwise.
On page 3 you've got "Paul stops and listens." When did he leave the tent?? Is he still in there?? Was he walking by?? This description needs to be better.
"Orders are shouted." - pg 8 - I didn't like this. Would rather hear what was shouted VOICE (O.S.). Then the men assemble. Or even a bugle sounding.
pg. 15 The cavalry is charges. - typo
FADE TO WHITE: - I thought Jeff had that copyrighted.
pg. 16 INT. AUDITORIUM - CONTINUOUS
Don't get why this slug was needed. We never left. Vern should just run up on stage.
Overall, I liked this. And your writing. Was a nice twist. Though it seemed a bit of a complex love story for a 12 year old to imagine. Your descriptiions were the highlight for me. Very well written. Better grasp of English then I have.
Quite a departure from Trippin with the Goldsteins!
I dig the premise big time. I like period pieces. Its clearly written, albeit rather novel like in your descriptions. In some ways its clunky, in others, it oddly supports the period dialogue. I like your character work and your research efforts shine well.
**SPOILERS**
What I don't like is the ending, I felt cheated, plain and simple. I gave myself to your story, got invested in the characters, then fooled. Perhaps I'm missing something but the twist ending felt very arbitrary. Like, "The Village" arbitrary! That was an engaging period piece with parlor tricks applied simply because they could. I don't believe a prepubescent chess whiz came up with those character dynamics.
You have some fine skills sir and the first 16 pages were a pleasure to experience.
Please reconsider the Shyamalan shenanigans next time!
Regards, E.D.
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Thanks for taking the time to read this one. I realize it's a little over written in parts, but I haven't been able to bring myself to make any wholesale changes. I kind of feel it fits the piece.
James:
"Though it seemed a bit of a complex love story for a 12 year old to imagine."
I guess you have a point here. Your average 12 year old isn't going to be thinking of this kind of stuff. I guess I was going for the angle that this 12 year old is a prodigy and therefore he might have a different imagination. But your point is valid.
"pg. 16 INT. AUDITORIUM - CONTINUOUS
Don't get why this slug was needed. "
I admit it. I'm kind of a mess when it comes to slugs. Sometimes I just feel like there should be one, and I opt for "continuous". You are probably right though.
E.D.:
"What I don't like is the ending, I felt cheated, plain and simple. I gave myself to your story, got invested in the characters, then fooled."
Yeah I hear you. The truth is that this story actually grew out of the ending which a buddy of mine shared with me. I thought it was a cool idea, so I went and created the rest of the story. Some other people have had similar reactions. I think it depends on the person. For some people, the ending seemed to have made the story work for them, while for others, it was the beginning that they preffered.
"Please reconsider the Shyamalan shenanigans next time! "
Haha - maybe that's part fo the problem. I like M. Night! I think he kind of gets a bad wrap. No worries though.
Well, glad you both mostly enjoyed it and thanks for the reads. It's truly appreciated.
I truly enjoyed reading your script. I was taken into a time of war amongst the colonies and a reminder of how times were back in the 1700's. The twist at the end threw me for a loop. I got lost. I was confused. I didn't know what happened. I literally had to go back to the beginning again and see if I missed something. I read the title and it all came clear to me. It made sense. You really pull the reader into a time of peril, lives lost during battle, and the strong will to not only survive war, but to conquer the enemy.
I am not going to give this one away. I believe your readers should enjoy this one very much. I want them to experience what I did as well. Though confused, I suddenly realized what I was actually reading. And that's what made this experience very enjoyable.