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Soulshadows II: Key To My Heart by Jeff Bush (dreamscale) (Tanis by Robert Newcomer) - Series, Supernatural, Horror - Logan sure loves the girls. You could say he's a real lady killer. Wait till he gets a load of Maia. 26 pages - pdf, format
I've never trusted Packer-Backers and now I never will!
Hoo, Haa! Jeff, you told me this was going to be loaded with gore and blood, and whatnot, and that is why I'm still sitting here smiling and chuckling well after the read. It sure as hell was!
What a terrific gruesome little tale. Oddly enough, though, it didn't smack of horror to me. Oh, to be sure, it had all the earmarks of horror, but it was quaintly mixed with an Amazing Tales type of feel. It flowed so smoothly it felt like I'd read a 10 page short. Natural dialog and well told action, smoothly transitioning into the 'second half' of the story. Which, by the way, is just the ending I'd love to see for a sicko! Who ever thought that the Key to a Heart would be a 'skeleton key'?
In short, this is Jeff Bush quality writing, and I loved it! Get in here and check this out, you guys.
Wow. Haha. I wasn't expecting something that extreme, but I was very pleasantly surprised with how this script panned out.
The first half of it was cheesy and, honestly, I wasn't expecting a huge payoff, but the extreme lengths that you took in the second half really blew me away and then everything came into focus. It's cheesy because, well, it's supposed to be. This Logan/Tyler guy was just a doucheface creep and you did a great job of building up the story with his courting of Emma and their trip to Door. At that point you went from cheesy pleasantry to bloody craziness and I really enjoyed it.
The sense of dread built up nicely while Logan was going to work on Emma and you didn't hold back at all. Kudos to you. The concept of Maia's character I think was a cool one, especially for a short such as this. Let's be honest, people like Logan, even without his murderous rampage, can go play in traffic for all we care, so it was nice for Maia to basically be the voice of the little guy(or, in this case, the girls that were taken advantage of...and...killed).
The only thing I'd point out is that I felt there should have been more security at the Packers games. The three girls in the beginning talked about the previous abductions, so this is a pretty regular thing, right? So, I was expecting a much larger police presence at the pre-game festivities, especially considering that Madison and Alyssa know what Logan looks like so they could have provided information to the cops and, if history was any guide, they'd be all over the tailgate parties looking for him since he's struck at the last three home games. In the bigger picture this is actually pretty minor, but maybe something to just add to a future draft.
But other than that this was gross, dark, and pretty cool and I really enjoyed it, so very nice job, Jeff!
The review will make more sense if you read or listen to the script.
I really enjoyed this script up until "Logan" appears (page 12). Jeff should seriously try his hand at writing RomCom, because the first 11 pages of this script were beautiful. The RomCom setup was great. I totally fell in love with Tyler. The entire tailgating sequence was delightful. I wanted Tyler and Emma to run away and live happily ever after.
And then I hit page 12. From page 12 to page 17 I was saying to myself, "I can not post this to the main page of the site." It seriously bothered me.
Gut reaction - too graphic. Gut reaction - you could have done something Hitchcock-ian to convey the horror and the true nature of Logan without being as graphic as what I read.
Act III is what changed my mind about posting this. Still, very graphic, but at least Logan got what he deserved.
Nit picks.
Seriously, do they spell 'brauts' as 'brats' in 'Sconsin?
Bottom page 12, "Tyler squints his eyes, cocks his head sideways." should be "Logan squints..."
Issues for which I don't have a good solution. I think that you should have referred to Logan as Tyler (nice nod to "Fight Club" btw) from the beginning. Initially it confused me (until page 12).
Nods:
Tanis was good. Nice foreshadowing with "Murder...it be more common with cooks than any other job." It made me 'keep my eye' on Logan for the first few pages.
I just read this, and yet another macabre masterpiece. Although I'm sure you'd get a lot of flack from the big wigs over so much blood, guts and boobs if this were ever to be produced into an actual film. I'm sure they'd make you tone it down. And while I'm on the subject how come none of these Soulshadows have gotten produced? They're top notch horror and that's hot item in the market right now. Are they being shopped around to Literary Agents?
I have no other comments other than saying, "My Soul Take" was my all-time favorite episode.
The review will make more sense if you read or listen to the script.
I really enjoyed this script up until "Logan" appears (page 12). Jeff should seriously try his hand at writing RomCom, because the first 11 pages of this script were beautiful. The RomCom setup was great. I totally fell in love with Tyler. The entire tailgating sequence was delightful. I wanted Tyler and Emma to run away and live happily ever after.
And then I hit page 12. From page 12 to page 17 I was saying to myself, "I can not post this to the main page of the site." It seriously bothered me.
Gut reaction - too graphic. Gut reaction - you could have done something Hitchcock-ian to convey the horror and the true nature of Logan without being as graphic as what I read.
Act III is what changed my mind about posting this. Still, very graphic, but at least Logan got what he deserved.
Nit picks.
Seriously, do they spell 'brauts' as 'brats' in 'Sconsin?
Bottom page 12, "Tyler squints his eyes, cocks his head sideways." should be "Logan squints..."
Issues for which I don't have a good solution. I think that you should have referred to Logan as Tyler (nice nod to "Fight Club" btw) from the beginning. Initially it confused me (until page 12).
Nods:
Tanis was good. Nice foreshadowing with "Murder...it be more common with cooks than any other job." It made me 'keep my eye' on Logan for the first few pages.
Nice bookend at the end with the heart and key.
Don
I haven't read this script, but seriously!!!!
Someone named Logan is in it?!!!
Is this a coincidence?!!!
I think not.
My Logan is probably different than the one you had written, but what if it's not????
Holy Macro!!! This is cool!!!
I'm running out of time. Trying to pump out a short and I'm not as skilled as you people, but I'd like to do this and push myself to the "ends" before I cook the turkey.
YES!!! The darn turkey is on my priority list along with a nice gravy and a fried rice OK?
Please don't give me a hard time for that... even though the fried rice isn't that low on calories.
Jeff,
If I don't get to your script until I get back, just know that I'm thinking of you.
You have a special place in my heart. God only knows why, but you do.
I'll get the negative out of the way first. The dialogue was solid throughout, naturally as I've been taking some pointers from you as of late, but I thought Logan's schtick was cheesy as fuck. I'm surprised Emma didn't think he was a total creeper. Kudos on having a character who put it out there for me to identify with, even though she was gone in no time.
Secondly, I don't tend to take issue with supernatural elements being mixed with more mundane horror, I didn't see the point in making Maia whatever kind of creature she is. I guess you needed her to be superhuman to take care of Logan but she doesn't do anything else out of the ordinary. In the end, it feels like Logan was merely bested by a tough chick with weird teeth.
My third issue, I'll let you off the hook for as you were covered by Bert's Tanis bookends but I was really expecting a heart to show up in the story.
That said, I liked this one. The dialogue was excellent and the whole 'Sconsin angle brought a sense of realism to it. Logan is a textbook loonie but he felt like he had his own personality what with how much detail you gave to his M.O. I liked the duality of the two incidents. The repeated dialogue really came off as creepy and I liked how it was obvious Maia was a chick who was on the ball. I think that would've been apparent even without your logline. The gore was of my favorite variety. Sick and brutal. Not played for laughs. In particular, being a disgustingly huge fan of Takashi Miike's Ichi the Killer, a Glasgow smile is always appreciated.
Good job, dude!
BTW, Bert. While I love your intros, I just couldn't for the life of me picture this evil little girl in a chef's hat, despite your note about the silliness. It felt very Freddy Krueger/Cryptkeeper-esque which I'm not sure quite fits. I appreciate the thought though and I still loved her glee in tending to the roasting heart. Fun stuff!
Hi Jeff. Buddy, I know how much you've been waiting for this to be posted! Good job.
This was vintage Bush material! i knew it was gonna be full on but it exceeded my thoughts beforehand. I ain't really into the slasher/torture type stuff but this was ok. I read American Pyscho years ago, and there were shades of Bateman in Logan(or Tyler? It should've been one or the other, if I may say so).
Your depiction of pre NFL game parties was great, it really seemed like we were there.
Now, my major concern with it: I didn't find it feasible at all, that a chick would just take off by herself with some stranger! Absolutely not believable! When they were driving up to Door county, we knew something nasty was gonna happen. I seriously think you should change it so Emma doesn't just run off blindly with a strange man, STRAIGHT AWAY! It doesn't sit well with me. Especially when its mentioned that 2 girls have disappeared from previous Pack games.
Anyway, bro', that was my only quibble. Your format and actual writing were top form as always. Oh, and bert did well with Tanis. He usually does, but this one set it up nicely. Cheers stevie.
I know there are a ton of you out there that owe Jeff the courtesy of a read.
Not me. He already owe's me one and after this, that will make two. Not that I'm keeping track or anything. "KIDDING." You owe me no reads, I would have read this anyway.
Dreamscale...
Well, no surprises here, this was pretty predictable from start to finish. The only thing I was trying to figure out which one, Alyssa, Madison or in this case Emma. Yes, you did have a few cheesy lines up in this one. Of course your logline pretty much gave things away IMO. I don't know, maybe that's how it works in the Soulshadow series and all.
Good descriptions in the killings. Graphic too. But you being an expert on horror from what I hear, wouldn't expect nothing less. The others before me, have made some good points.
She takes off her jersey revealing the most perfect set of breasts. Did you really need this passage... "Any man has ever laid eyes on." But this is just ghost.
Anyway can't fault your writing, it was pretty good as usual. But this wasn't too scary in all IMO.
Bert, good job with Tanis as usual.
Very enjoyable read and fast. Just another good episode in the series.
I’ve been looking forward to this one since you told me about it a few months back. My gut feeling? Hmm, not sure what to say. Don’t get me wrong, it’s well written for the most part but I just can’t get into this torture porn genre, it does nothing for me, probably because it’s not scary – at least, not to me. I might have been impressed by it if you had gone for something new but, let’s face it, this is pretty standard stuff. I’m actually somewhat surprised that Don initially had a problem with posting this one on the main page, I mean, there are hundreds of scripts like this one (or even gorier) on the site. Might have been a Soul Shadow concern though.
Like I said, the writing was good throughout (minus a couple of cheesy lines – I seriously doubt any girl would do anything but laugh at his “key to my heart” routine) but I think you spent too little time on Maia. From your logline I thought she would play a much more prominent role in the story, but she’s only, like, in 6 or 7 pages. I wasn’t crazy about how the pick up scenes repeated themselves – I know what you were going for here but it would have made it a more interesting read if his angle with Maia had been a different one than with Emma (and presumedly with Hannah and Kaylee).
I think it was Stevie who mentioned that it didn’t seem believable that Emma would go off with Tyler/Logan that quick and I agree. I could have bought it if she had been more wasted but she didn’t really seem that drunk.
Another thing that bothered me was the fact that both Alyssa and Madison know what Tyler/Logan looks like, they know where he was taking Emma – and still he carries on with the same routine. I’m pretty sure the cops would’ve asked the girls who Emma was last seen with and where they were going (they even saw his car – as did the old guy at the gas station presumedly). You would think the cops would’ve come knocking by now. It’s small stuff but it hurts the overall impression.
Same thing could be said by the glue to the hair thing and the small incision at the hairline. Sorry, bro, but I can’t buy that one either. I seriously doubt that anyone could rip their own scalp off unless the incision was GIGANTIC. Obviously I would hurt like a bitch if you pulled your head forward in such a situation but you would either pull your hair out (probably at the roots) or snap it.
Things got more interesting when you finally brougth Maia into the mix. Alas it didn’t last very long because from there on, at least for me, it turned into a variant of those God awful hitmen scripts, you know, where we got one really cool, smart talking dude/gal who’s constantly on top of the shit. Maia felt a bit like that. That being said, I liked the protector-angle though. I’m not sure what exactly a “protector” is or who it’s working for but it seemed a pretty cool creation.
One thing you might wanna work in there is a couple of speed bumps along the way. Both Logan’s killing of Emma and Maia’s killing of Logan happen rather smoothly. There are no setbacks – it’s all just too easy. Emma doesn’t get away at one point, only to be chased down just as she’s about to make it. Maia doesn’t really get much resistance from Logan – again, too easy. And in the end, boring. Crisis is king.
The dialogue (except for the “key to my heart” thing) worked really well but there’s sure a lot of it. I really hate when killers go into these monologues when they’re about to slay a new victim. Just saying.
I also think, in terms of character names, that you should stick with Tyler (when he’s Tyler) and Logan (when he’s Logan). Had this been a movie, then the audience wouldn’t know his name was Logan when he presents himself as Tyler.
I’m sorry that I don’t have that much positive to say about this one, bro, but the story just ain’t my thing.
Cheers Rob
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
Hey everyone, thanks so much for the reads and feedback. Big THANKS to Don for getting this recorded and posted so fast, as well as some rare feedback.
My computer crashed Tuesday night, and I'm being told that my hard drive is shot, meaning everything on my computer is gone for good. I'm devastated. I'm accessing the internet through my PS3...good thing I got a nice wireless keyboard for Christmas for it. It's still tough to do normal stuff though. I'm going to hold out with formal responses until I'm back up and running with an actual computer, but I will say a few things...
I was a bit worried about this one myself in terms of it being too graphic...or maybe troubling for some, when I was concieving it. I think there are a number of things in here that do push the envelope, but most of you know that I enjoy pushing it, whenever possible. Thanks again to Don for posting this, even though he was troubled by it...that was indeed my goal here.
It's funny that many mentioned the "cheesy" dialogue, cause it's also mentioned at least 3 times in the script itself. Obviously, it is intentional, and is meant as a running gag of sorts.
A few of you also said that you don't find it remotely believable that Emma (or anyone) would take off with a complete stranger, the way she did. I think you'd actually be quite surprised what people would (will) do when the situation seems right. I can tell you from personal experience that I've been on both ends of doing things that probably weren't the best idea (both ends, meaning I've doen the foolish stuff, and I've had girls do foolish stuff with me). When alcohol is invovlved, anything goes...and I mean anything!
Finally, a BIG THANKS to Bert who did another great job with Tanis, and Michael Cornetto for doing the title page! Great work, guys!
I'll get back top each post personally when I'm back with a new computer (hopefully before the weekend is over)..
Interesting read. Like Rob, torture porn doesn't affect me as much. My problem is Logan and Emma's relationship. I liked the dialgoue and interaction but Emma seemed to go quickly with Logan. I know it's a short so you were limited in that sense but I think that it could be extended a bit more. As James pointed out, Maia, except for some freaky teeth, didn't present any weird qualities. I thought she'll turn into a creature. But I guess it's cool. Overall, good work.
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
I think your writing is strong technically. Completely and absolutely. I think you can nail it. There's no doubt in my mind regarding that.
What I mean is that you're not long; you're not overly circuitous in what you set out to accomplish, you do the job and hey, the job 's gotta get done... but with all those strengths...
You are without anything that sets you apart.
It might be great and everything's cool, but if it were me, I'd be thinking: "I'm probably just stuck in a kind of rut." Reason being: If I saw myself writing this story, and I had your brains, I'd think I was coasting.
With complete honesty I can say you get a "ten" on the technical scale, but a "zero" on the creativity scale.
This script feels completely canned. Processed to the point where it's not even Cheese Whiz anymore.
An important thing to note as a problem is the tone:
You have not stayed true to the tone of the Soulshadows anthology.
I have not yet read "Please Remain Calm" type of material in Soulshadows series, but PRC is where this could work extremely well.
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Soulshadows II: Key To My Heart
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