510 by Quentin Bangston - Short - Meet Mike. You'll learn to love him.  5 pages - pdf, format

hey Quentin,

so i thought this one was alright. here's a few things i would fix:

-write a better logline

-stop with the all caps and underlined descriptions. we get it.

-i would give joe a larger role since he's right next to mike. what is he doing during this entire dialogue?

-follow the rule of threes. i would have him do 3 annoying things. as of now he eats garlic and plays invisible instruments and thats it. i would add one more thing.

-come up with a better ending. the payoff wasnt worth the read. i would strongly consider either coming up with something more clever or scrapping it all together. i was intrigued by this piece, and i really liked Mike, but the ending just didnt do it for me. i was really disappointed. great build up, lackluster punch.

-if mike and the female both worked at the mayo clinic and they both ride the same bus, wouldnt they have run into each other before?

-i would considering naming the female just so it's easier to follow

overall i thought this was well written and interesting. i would just make some revisions and come up with a better ending

Haha...the logline...I was running out the door to do some quick errands and that was all I could think of lol. It's crap. I know.

The only reason I didn't name the female is because...she's not a main character..well she is...but she doesn't have a speaking part, and I plan on writing more of these and I don't plan on her talking in any of them, so I didn't want her to have a name.

Have you ever read "Our Town"? Characters are given names, but there is no set because Thornton Wilder wanted the town to feel like it could be anywhere. I felt like we all meet annoying or strange people on the bus, and it takes away from making it fee like it could happen to anyone by giving the female a name (even though I have one in mind).

Thanks for the comments! I will take them into consideration when writing more of these.

I want to download this how can I

Quoted from Dhruv I want to download this how can I

You click on the title of the script.  It is in pdf format.

- Don

Hi Quentin,

This was an interesting story. I thought Mike was curiously annoying in a charismatic way, and I liked how the setting was in a bus so that the female couldn't really 'escape'.

There are some things I think that need to be developed. I found the character name 'Female' a little weird. I think it may be better to use 'Woman', 'Girl' etc. I'm also confused as to why the woman didn't say anything back or move to another seat. I feel like if a stranger was being rude/invading someone's space, the other person would react. She felt a little too passive imo.

And just like albinopenguin mentioned, I feel like the woman would have already seen Mike if they worked in the same place.

Other than that, I thought it was an entertaining read.

Hi Quentin,

I did not learn to love Mike or the script unfortunately. His character is so over the top, it's just too much and then there is no real payoff at the end.

I agree giving Female a name would make it a somewhat easier read.

All the best.

its not at all funny