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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Soulshadows II: Caine Moderators: bert
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  Author    Soulshadows II: Caine  (currently 4449 views)
James McClung
Posted: April 17th, 2010, 7:53am Report to Moderator
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Hey Gabe,

Listened to this one first then read it. I'm still kinda at a loss for what actually happens here. I get the jist of it but it seems like Christian isn't treated properly for the roll his character is meant to play here. Obviously, he's pulling the strings here, pitting the brothers against each other or whatnot. But most of his screen time goes into the scenes in between in the DARK ROOM. Obviously, this stuff needs to be trimmed as others have mentioned but I wouldn't remove it entirely from the script. I definitely think this stuff added flavor to the story (to an extent before becoming repetitive). Anyway, I think the scenes in which he's actually involved in story events, I think we should get a little more of him and what he's about. I felt like he's sorta meant to define the story but doesn't quite do it in the right way.

The chewing dirt... yeah, it was pretty sweet. The highlight for me. Very different, very creepy... a little gross. A nice touch.

There were a few instances of actual action that seemed strange to me. You mention Caine putting Gabriel's upper and lower body in separate bags. Did he chop him up or something? If so, I don't think you even hinted at it. Very confusing. Same goes for Caine being pulled up into the air. As in suspended animation? I'd imagine Christian would have these kinda powers. In any case, you should explain more.

Sorry this review couldn't be more helpful. I did have a fair deal of trouble getting through the script. Not because it was bad but very confusing. I think that's the biggest issue of the script as of now.


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: April 17th, 2010, 8:58am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read James. I appreciate any comments.

I have a tendancy of making confusion, but I think it's those dark room scenes that make it confusing. There's a lot of trimming needed in this and a lot of organization in terms of where to put the dark room scenes. Those are my two checkpoints for my next revision.

Hopefully everyone will enjoy my sequel. There's no narratgion. lol.

At least everyone is in agreement about the chewing dirt scene. lol. I'm amazed in myself that I actually came up with that.

And Grademam,
I didn't notice you responded. I see what you were talking about but the scratch I had in mind was ordinary as if some scratched you with their fingernails. I could ahve described it that way but wanted people to get their own thoughts on it.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 17th, 2010, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Gabriel, just found this today.  I recently went through a big move and have been trying to settle in, meaning I haven’t had the time (or internet) I’m used to.  Anyway, I found it and I see there aren’t too many reviews yet, so I’ll throw my 24 bucks in.

I took page by page notes, so this is going to be a double post.  Although this may seem very detailed, I actually didn’t include everything I saw, and after about page 15, I only included mistakes that were very glaring and had to be brought up.

Gabe, I hate writing these kinds of reviews.  I really do.  But, as always, I’m going to be 100% honest here and not beat around any bushes.  This was a very, very painful and difficult read for me…in every way.  Writing, IMO, was pretty poor.  Typos and grammatical mistakes were jarringly abundant on every single page.  Story was impossible to follow and almost nonexistent, IMO.  The use of the narration was incredibly clumsy, painful, and irritating.  Let’s get into it and see what happened here…

This came off as if it were incredibly rushed and slapped together, with very little thought put into it.  The amount of simple mistakes makes me think that you didn’t even proofread it once.  I mean it’s almost impossible to catch every single mistake on your own, but again, you’ve got multiple, simple mistakes on every page and there’s just no excuse for that.  It comes off as if you don’t care, and because of that, it’s tough for me as a reader to care…but I do, and that’s why I’m spending the time to help out here.

No clue what this was all about story-wise.  I’ve read all the reviews and see that I’m not alone, as various people thought various things and I doubt anyone actually “got this” completely.  We’ve got a 28 page script here (not including Bert’s Tannis sections), and IMO, what takes place could easily be written in less than 12 pages.  You are WAY overwriting almost everything, on every page.  You’re giving so much detail on such mundane things that no one cares about.  The best example of this is on the first 7 pages…it just goes on and on for no reason whatsoever.  This leads me to believe that there isn’t much story here…and there’s really not.  Whether or not Caine killed Gabriel, Gabriel killed Caine, or whatever actually happened, that’s an awful lot of pages to get that across, and you didn’t even get it across.

Other than overwriting ridiculously, your use of narration is gut wrenchingly painful.  I just don’t understand what your intent even was, or why you chose to use this.  It does not work in any way, and is a major problem in the script itself.  The fact that you chose to use an unnamed “man” as your narrator (who actually appears to be Christian), narrating from a pitch black room, makes zero sense.  Picture the visuals during these long narrations…black screen for the most part….no visual.  Why is Christian even telling us all this garbage?  Who is he supposed to be and why all of a sudden is he fucking with Caine and Gabriel?  I just don’t have a clue.

As for your characters, again, I’m really pretty much clueless, mainly because I don’t know what actually happened or even why.  I don’t see much personality from anyone, other than Christian, but he comes off like a weird narrator/evil clown type.  I don’t even know if he’s supposed to be real or not.  Caine comes off as a…uh…hmmm…not much of anything.  His interactions with Gabriel don’t seem like they’re brothers or even friends.  He seems stupid, based on his dialogue.  Other than that, we don’t know a single thing about him, his life, his likes/dislikes…nothing.  I don’t think we even know what he looks like, do we?  Gabriel’s the same deal…flatline, lifeless (literally for the first half of the script!), and completely nondescript.  The only other character is the chick and I can’t even remember her name, let alone anything about her personality.

Gabe, I know you’re most likely cussing me out about now and wishing I didn’t come across this script.  I’m sorry for my bluntness and harsh tone.  I mean that.  I don’t mean to put you down or anything like that at all, but what I’ve said here is the truth, and sometimes the truth doesn’t feel so great.

IMO, this is way beyond repair, as I don’t even see a cognoscente story here.  The structure is so off and impossible to follow. There are so many mistakes littering every page, as well as so much awkward writing and phrasing.

This is a huge misfire for me in literally every way possible.  I hope what I’ve said here makes sense and helps you in your future writing.  I am more than happy to go into more detail on anything I’ve brought up here, or that you may have questions on.  Just let me know.  Take care, Bud.
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 17th, 2010, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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Page by page notes

Page 1 – The wrylie – “(she reaches into the cabinet)” – doesn’t look good at all, and IMO, should be part of the action, not a wrylie.

Why is there a “(CONTINUED)” at the bottom as well as a “CONTINUED:” at the top of Page 2, but nowhere else?  IMO, these should never be used, as they’re just a waste of space, but usually, it continues throughout the entire script.  Must be an oversight that needs to be pulled out.  EDIT – It goes back and forth…some pages have it, some don’t.  Get rid of all of them!

Page 2 – Uh oh…a HUGE VO that isn’t even labeled as a VO.  The scene is pitch black, so this is obviously a VO, right?  I dislike using something like “man” very much.  We’ll see if he turns into a named character later, but either way, IMO, all characters that have speaking roles need to be named.  Biggest issue is the fact that this VO goes on for at least 30 seconds over a pitch black screen.  Not the way you want to start things off at all, IMO.  EDIT – This “man” indeed has a name and he’s a main character, meaning not labeling him right off the bat is a cheat and incorrect.

Using a wrylie here “(snaps fingers)” is also an issue, as we can’t see him doing this…it’s merely a sound effect, and I don’t see the relevance for it at all.

Page 3 – OK, here we go…I have to assume that “RING” relates to the cell phone ringing.  I don’t like how you structured this at all.  It reads oddly and is even a bit confusing as well.  5 rings…do cell phones really ring 5 times before they go to voice mail?  Usually not.

“A dog statute is discovered a few feet away from him. Blood covers the bottom portion of the statue.” – “is discovered”?  By whom?  Odd phrasing.  “of the statue” – no reason to repeat this…simply use “it”…it will read much better and save space.

No reason for the comma after “muffled” – makes no sense and makes this phrase very confusing.  I’m confused even more now about these earlier “RINGs”…if a melody now plays (like most cell phones have), what was the “RING” stuff all about?

Back to the “DARK ROOM” – why?  We can’t see anything?  If you want this stuff to be VO, then simply have it play over whatever scene is on.  It makes no sense like this at all and would be terrible to watch a pitch black screen for no reason at all.

“What many people consider has the end is simply the beginning.” – This line makes no sense at all.  “has the end”?  Huh?  Maybe “has” is supposed to be “as”.

Page 4 – “Caine’s looking at Gabriel.” – Classic passive phrasing at its worst.

Sorry Gabe, but the writing on this page is pretty poor, IMO.  Just doesn’t read well at all.  The stuff about stuffing the body into 2 garbage bags isn’t going to work either, unless Gabriel weighs less than 50 pounds and is a midget.

Where is Gabriel’s cell phone?  How do we keep seeing the callers?  If it’s on Gabriel’s body, we obviously couldn’t see Jack Shit, so I have to assume it’s sitting somewhere in the room, but you didn’t tell us that.

“New names pop up on Gabriel’s cellphone as Caine uses up all the garbage bags on Gabriel.” – “cell phone” is 2 words.  This sentence is extremely awkward and a perfect example of what’s wrong with the writing here.

Page 5 – Back to the “DARK ROOM” again.  I’m going to keep bringing this up every time it happens, cause it just doesn’t make any sense to me.  If you want VO’s, then simply use them over the scene playing.

“With a huge duffel bag on the floor, Caine packs the bag with some of Gabriel’s clothes and shoes.” – Another painfully awkward sentence.  Read this over and hopefully you’ll see that it doesn’t even make sense the way it’s worded.  If you don’t understand what’s wrong here, I’d be happy to go into more detail through E-Mail or whatever.

Need a comma between “pauses” and “glancing”.

“How’s he going to take this down and where to put them?” – Oh boy, the dreaded aside, that accomplishes absolutely nothing.

“a large laundry bag”?  Huh?  He stuffs an assumed adult male body into a laundry bag?  Sorry, but I can’t for the life of me picture this.

Page 6 - General note – OK, we’re now 5 pages in and it’s actually shocking how little has happened of relevance.  You are WAY OVER DESCRIBING mundane things that have nothing to do with this “story”.  IMO, you easily could and should have wrapped up this scene in less than 2 pages.

Page 7 – Is this “BRICK BUILDING” the same building as described earlier as simply “BUILDING”?  If so, use 1 of these as your SLUG, and stick with it.

“to” between “it” and “the.

Another transition back to a black screen for our “mystery man” to give us some meaningless banter.  Not working at all, sorry to say.

Page 8 – You’ve got “DEEP HOLE” and “HOLE” as SLUGS – again, you can’t use different names for the exact same scenes.

“Caine leaves quicker.” – Quicker than what?  Sounds terrible.

OK, so now, finally, this “DARK ROOM” isn’t pitch black any longer.  

No need for a comma after “like” in the man’s speech. Makes no sense this way.

“Unbeknowst” – “Unbeknownst”

Page 9 – I’m totally confused.  We’ve just gone from Caine burying the body at night to the DARK ROOM”, and now we’re back in the same forest, but it’s day.  Am I missing something here?

“…a man who be handsome if he didn’t have a scratch on his left cheek.” – Very, VERY awkward.  If nothing else, you need “would” between “who” and “be”.  But the comment about a “scratch” on his cheek is odd.  A “scratch” is small, and usually fresh.  I think you mean something more like a “gash” or scar.

“Chad in black…” – Should be “Clad”.

The entire description of what Christian is doing is extremely awkward and hard to follow.  The descriptive words you’ve chosen aren’t working and you’re missing lots of punctuation which is adding to the problems in me being able to visualize any of this.

You’ve got another “(CONTINUED)” at the bottom of the page, followed by “CONTINUED:” at the top of the next page.

Page 10 – “eyecontact” – “eye contact”

“Caine watches Christian say something to Gabriel but, unfortunately, he can’t hear it.” – Again, very, very awkward with punctuation in the wrong places, making it almost impossible to read.

“He doesn’t pass more than a couple of trees before his swooped up and hanging upside down.” – Very awkward again.  “his” should be “he’s”, but the “hanging upside down thing is in a different tense completely.

The next line sounds like a POV shot, but you haven’t marked it as such.

“…eating a apple.” – “eating an apple.”

More “CONTINUED” on the bottom and top of the page – I won’t bring these up anymore, but they need to be deleted.

Page 11 – I’m clueless at this point.  Christian’s long speeches are odd at best.  He sounds just like the “man” from the dark room.  He’s speaking like he’s narrating, and it’s not working at all, IMO.

Page 12 – Oh boy, now we’ve got “GABRIEL’S HOME” as the Slug, which before was “GABRIEL’S APARTMENT”.  You’ve got to stay consistent in your Slugs!!!

And then, you’ve got “DARK AREA” as opposed to “DARK ROOM”!  WTF????

And next line, you switch back to “GABRIEL’S APARTMENT”.  Unreal!!!!!

“whose” – “who’s”

Page 13 – back to the “DARK ROOM” again.  Oh man, this is a painful read, my friend…PAINFUL!

Page 14 – In the “man’s” speech – “Won’t he?” should be “Wouldn’t he?”

“On the table, the dog statute is missing.” – We’ve never seen this scene before, so we wouldn’t realize the dog statue is supposed to be on the table.  You’re just telling us this…in a filmed version, we’d be looking at an empty table and wondering what the fuck we’re supposed to be seeing.

General note – you keep using the word “statute”, when I think you mean “statuette”.  A “statute” is a written piece of legislature.

General note – I’ve stopped taking such detailed notes, as mistakes are running rampant and this review is taking way too long.  Sorry to say, but I don’t find the writing or the story worth it at this point.

Page 17 – “stick and stones…” – “sticks and stones”.  “Call me a asshole…” – “Call me an asshole…”

Page 20 – “You hang upped.” – “You hung up.”

Page 21 – “blunges” – “bludgeons”

Page 22 – “fact” – “face”

Page 23 – WTF???? Fake Gabriel?  “The FAKE GABRIEL towers over him.” – Towers over who?  You haven’t set this scene at all.  I’m completely clueless as to what the fuck is going on here!

“D answer.” – What in the world does that mean?

“F.” – And what does this mean?

Page 24 – “Gabriel’s on top of Grace, kissing and removing each other’s clothes off.” – Horribly awkward!  Doesn’t even make sense as written, actually.

Page 26 – “where cuddles beside Grace.” – makes no sense as written.

“Tell him his busy.” – “he’s”

Page 29 – “Regaining our vision back, the room shaped.” – Again, this sentence makes zero sense as written.
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bert
Posted: April 17th, 2010, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, I will respond to the one little piece directed at me haha.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Page 1 - The wrylie - "(she reaches into the cabinet)" - doesn't look good at all, and IMO, should be part of the action, not a wrylie.


Had that been indented properly (as it was on mine), would you have been any less aggrieved, Jeff?

But I do need to add, that for very short actions, this is acceptable.  Particularly if the action takes place during the dialogue -- that is, this is what they are doing while speaking.

Also, note that this "action wrylie" takes only two lines -- had it been a stand-alone direction, it would have taken 3 or perhaps 4 lines, including the blank lines around it.

Conserving space is another reason to utilize this technique.

Now, I do know better than to try to change your mind about anything, format-wise -- but hope springs eternal, eh -- and there are some newer writers around that should know it is an acceptable option, even though it is not one utilized by all.

My Tanis episode should be fun for you and I -- I will be very curious to see what kind of rule-bending you can "barely" accept -- and what sends you into violent, sputtering conniptions  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 17th, 2010, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bert, I realize that wrylies can be used in this manner...sparingly...very sparingly, which isn't the issue here.

I actually went back and forth and around and around with Michael Cornetto awhile back about these "action wrylies".  IMO, they are frowned upon (as are useless wrylies in general).  For me, they just don't look good or read well being placed inside of dialogue  Guess it's a personal thing for me.

Yes, if it was properly indented, I wouldn't even have brought it up, but as I noted, it doesn't look good the way it is.

HaHa...my mind can be changed!  I'm actually trying my damnedest not to bring up things format-wise that don't affect the overall script/story.  BUT, some things need to be brought up...things that are downright wrong...things that can be done better, or more appropriately, and things that don't look right or read well.

Can't wait to read your script, Bert!  Looking very forward to it.
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rendevous
Posted: April 17th, 2010, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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Pardon me for butting in lads.

But. And it may be the whiskey talking, so, get yer fistfuls of salt ready....

Are we in the offices of some film company? What's the craic? Is someone a pro round here? Whassgoingon like? Who's to say what's right and what's wrong?

I'd be listening to them fellas with the green lights and cheque books and bog fat balances. Everything else is debatable.

Sorry. That post has been brewing for some months. Thought I'd better let it pop.

R


Out Of Character - updated


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Dreamscale
Posted: April 17th, 2010, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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Ren, what is going on?  Have you read this script?  Didn't see a post from you.  What are you questioning here?

Seems like you're referring to my posts...is that correct?  The intent of all my reviews is 2-fold...to give my views/impressions and to help the writer.

I don't sugarcoat anything, don't throw out any BS, and I do my best to give constructive criticism, including exact examples that should help the writer.

Is that a problem for you?  Or am I missing something?
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Grandma Bear
Posted: April 17th, 2010, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Gabe, I have all intention to read this. I've just been busy lately. Just got home tonight, but I'm too tired to read right now. Besides you probably wouldn't want me to read and comment tonight.


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: April 17th, 2010, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
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I appreciate all feedback good and bad and I always try to incorporate some of the feedback I recieve into my shorts. I can't accept it all since I still need a little bit of me in there. So, no debating here.

Hey Jeff. No problem about the read. Hope the move went well.

I'm going to respond to the first page. it may sound I'm upset but I'm really not.   

There's alot of things I'm going to disagree and agree.

HUGE SPOILERS!

Agree and disagree: This was my first attempt to use narration so, naturally I'm going to suck. But I wanted to try it out. I've learned alot which is afterall the important thing to do. And I have some ideas on how to probably improve this, the major one being the dark room scenes.

Disagree: I think there is a story worth being told here and I'm going to prove you wrong. And it's simple to follow if I didn't muddle it up by incorporating the dark room scenes and excessive dialgoue. I would admit that I should prob develop the characters a bit better (but I will argue I made a character arc for Caine [sane to insane to sane]).

I'm going to post the short's summary here:  

Caine kills Gabriel.

He dumps the body in a forest, trying to get away with the crime. (When you mention the overwriting I do, some of that overwriting is intended to create tension. For example, on pg.7, I'm trying to show he's having a tough time trying to transport the body. Doesn't that create tension?)

Chrisitian intervenes and brings Gabriel back. (They had a deal early on. I'll have to work on this.)  

Caine doesn't believe that Gabriel is alive. He tries to figure out if it is real.

Finding evidence that proves Gabriel's ressurection, he decides to kill him again.

He kills him in the forest. But he finds out that it's not really Gabriel, it's Christian (You could tell because of the scratch mark. I mentioned this when Christian first appears in the forest, when Gabriel appears after Caine killed him, and when Gabriel changes into Christian. I should prob develop it a bit more but I can't think of a way how to).

Christian kills Caine while Gabriel, safe at his home, is having sex with Grace.

Christian takes Gabriel away.      

What gets people confused is the dark room scenes, my grammar (I'll talk about that tomorrow), and when Christian changes. I've come up with a way to fix the dark room scenes.

Grammar is a hit or miss. Can't get them all.

When it comes to Christian, I wanted Christian's ability to change as a surprise. As I pointed out in the summary, I tried to develop that by mentioning the scratch, by Gabriel's actions when he returns back after his murder, and when Gabriel changes into Christian. I don't know what more I can do for now.

Part II comes tomorrow.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Grandma Bear
Posted: April 18th, 2010, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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Gabe,

finally got back to reading today and after having read 4 shorts, I decided it was your turn.

I have read all the other comments and agree with pretty much all of them. No need for me to go over everything again. It is true that you had a LOT of typos. Probably some grammar issues as well, but they usually are not visible to me so you're good there. I don't really know you, but isn't English your second language? Seems like I remember reading one time that Spanish is your native language. If so, I believe in being a little more lenient when it comes to the English part.

Anyway, I sort of understood the story here, but you need to clean it up and make it more clear for the reader and easier to follow. I was also very confused at times. If I were you, I would ditch the whole Dark Room and MAN part. I didn't really get anything out of that at all. If anything, I found the repetitiveness of life being a bitch sort of annoying and it did take me out of the story. If you decide too keep those scenes, I would like to know why it took place in the dark and also if the screen is supposed to be black. You should also have the Man's dialogue be in (V.O.).

You need to describe your characters better. Give us a better visual sense of who they are. Why did you for example write "he sees someone in the elevator"? A man, woman or child...  Why not write an elderly woman stands inside. "Someone" adds nothing to the story. Make that someone has some subtle meaning or such. Making it more interesting.

Jeff mentioned over writing and at times I found that to be true. Try to think that every single line in the script, whether action or dialogue needs to move the story forward. Too much descriptions or actions that don't matter should be cut.

"The elevator arrives. Opening the door, he finds SOMEONE inside.

Closing the door, he glances at the laundry bag. Presses the elevator button again.

The elevator arrives. Opening the door, he finds SOMEONE else inside.

Closing the door, he glances at the laundry bag. Pounds the elevator button.

The elevator arrives. He opens to find it finally empty and enters."

That piece there adds nothing IMHO. I think you wrote somewhere that it was supposed to create tension. I don't think that it does. It's just repetitive and would be boring to watch.

You also have a few things coming out of nowhere. Like the Fake Gabriel, but also in the forest when you mention that Caine is trying to shake the drowsiness. I didn't know he was drowsy in the first place.

All in all, I think you have a story buried in here ( ) you just need to make easier for readers to follow. I do aplaude you for having written a 28 page script though. That in itself can be a chore for some.  

Pia  

Bert...Tanis drinking wine? I thought she was 13!    

Anyway, as always, your part puts the silver lining on all SS scripts.


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rendevous
Posted: April 18th, 2010, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Ren, what is going on?  Have you read this script?  Didn't see a post from you.  What are you questioning here?

Seems like you're referring to my posts...is that correct?  The intent of all my reviews is 2-fold...to give my views/impressions and to help the writer.

I don't sugarcoat anything, don't throw out any BS, and I do my best to give constructive criticism, including exact examples that should help the writer.

Is that a problem for you?  Or am I missing something?


Not a problem. As JL once said in Watching the Wheels "Only solutions". In my case quite a strong one that did the trick.

Nahw. I was refereeing to both your post and Bert's. As you lads seemed to be having a bitofa dingaling about not very much at all. That's all.

I don't know if you're missing anything. I lost a nail hammer earlier so I'm missing that.

I just can't see the point of doing a proofread type review. A few examples of errors would do. Some of the points you make are open for debate. I'd much rather read reviews about what actually happened in the script.

Technical type reviews are fine. I just don't see the point of them as it's likely most writers will rewrite the whole thing anyway.

Hey. You can do whatever you desire. I was just saying. Is all.

Obviously drink and dialup is almost as silly as drink and dial. So, where is the salt pinches?

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: April 18th, 2010, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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Part II for Jeff

I appreciate the grammar you've caught. I'll take a look at that when I rewrite it. that's it. lol.

I can take critiques espcially the negative ones in any matter they come in. And I can tell which ones intended to hurt and those which are intended to help. But I didn't take too kindly when you said that I had no story.    

hey Pia,

Thanks for the read. I accept all kinds of comments since I'm learning in the art of storytelling. This is not first time I've been critiqued negatively.

The first half is dedicated to Caine getting rid of the body so I intended to put obstacles in his path such as waiting for the elevator since he can't carry a body down the stairs. But I'll see what I can do.

Thanks for the comments guys,

Gabe


    


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 19th, 2010, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Gabe, wanted to respond to your responses. Glad you’re not upset, as that definitely wasn’t my intent.  Some don’t understand the relevance or appreciate a technical review, and that’s fine.  It seems like you’re cool with it, so I’m glad I could help.

The narration thing is completely up to you.  I was just pointing out that it didn’t work for me at all.  I agree the dark room thing needs to go and would help the script immediately.

Back to the “story”.  Even with your summary here, I’m still pretty clueless and left with many questions…so, I’ll kind of ask them in between your summary.  Gabe, I’m merely doing this so that I understand what’s going on, and you understand what’s not getting through to your readers.

Caine kills Gabriel. – OK, but why?  I would imagine this is important to both the plot/story, and Caine and Gabriel’s character.

He dumps the body in a forest, trying to get away with the crime. (When you mention the overwriting I do, some of that overwriting is intended to create tension. For example, on pg.7, I'm trying to show he's having a tough time trying to transport the body. Doesn't that create tension?)  Yeah, I got the part about burying the body…that was pretty clear.  No, as Pia also said, no tension was created by the overwriting, especially on page 7 (IMO).

Chrisitian intervenes and brings Gabriel back. (They had a deal early on. I'll have to work on this.)  This is where things get very muddy.  Who is Christian?  What does he have to do with Caine or Gabriel, and why would he “bring Gabriel back”?  Why is he narrating, and why is he constantly referring to nature being a bitch?  What does nature have to do with this?

Caine doesn't believe that Gabriel is alive. Is Gabriel really alive?  He tries to figure out if it is real.  Is he real?

Finding evidence that proves Gabriel's resurrection, he decides to kill him again.  OK, again, why?

He kills him in the forest. But he finds out that it's not really Gabriel, it's Christian (You could tell because of the scratch mark. I mentioned this when Christian first appears in the forest, when Gabriel appears after Caine killed him, and when Gabriel changes into Christian. I should prob develop it a bit more but I can't think of a way how to).  Again, this is really confusing and muddy here.  What do you mean that “it’s not really Gabriel”?  Why would Christian turn into Gabriel, or vice versa?  I don’t think a small scratch would give this away, as there’s nothing leading up to this that would lead us to believe that would happen.

Christian kills Caine while Gabriel, safe at his home, is having sex with Grace.  Why would Christian kill Caine?

Christian takes Gabriel away.  Why?  Where?  

What gets people confused is the dark room scenes, my grammar (I'll talk about that tomorrow), and when Christian changes. I've come up with a way to fix the dark room scenes.  Yes, the dark room scenes are not only confusing, but unnecessary.  Agreed, when Christian “changes”, it comes out of left field and I still don’t get it at all.

Grammar is a hit or miss. Can't get them all.  That’s why I noted as many as I did.

When it comes to Christian, I wanted Christian's ability to change as a surprise. As I pointed out in the summary, I tried to develop that by mentioning the scratch, by Gabriel's actions when he returns back after his murder, and when Gabriel changes into Christian. I don't know what more I can do for now.   It’s a surprise alright, but not in a good way, as it doesn’t make any sense, IMO.  Gabriel changes into Christian also?  Now I’m really confused.

Part II

I can take critiques especially the negative ones in any matter they come in. And I can tell which ones intended to hurt and those which are intended to help. Hopefully, you know mine is meant to help.  But I didn't take too kindly when you said that I had no story.   Understood.  Hopefully, after you answer my questions, I will agree with you that there is a story here that makes sense…I don’t see it yet though.

Take care.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 18th, 2010, 12:28am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for posting the revision.

I changed a couple of things but kept some the same. Hopefully this makes better sense. Let me know what you think. Also, if you would like a read back, let me know as well.

Hey Dreamscale,

Sorry about getting back to you this late. Just some explanations.

Gabriel's first death, Caine just wanted Gabriel out of the way. simple. In Gabe's second death, I wanted Caine to kill Gabe in order to move the story along and that it was his only alternative. Caine can't simply talk to Gabe. I explain this through Christian's dialgoue "actions speak louder than words." This could be extended but we had restictions on these shorts.

Christian is a shapeshifter. He could become anyone he claims. I'm putting restrictions on this trait, but that's the idea. He is also (I'm still debating this) acting upon the Satin's requests in messing around with people. How would you feel if someone came back alive after you killed him?  

Hopefully the draft and my explanations makes more sense.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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