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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Soulshadows II: Caine Moderators: bert
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  Author    Soulshadows II: Caine  (currently 4447 views)
tonkatough
Posted: June 19th, 2010, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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I hate reading scripts like this. They make my head hurt and I feel stupid.

I read it, every word and nothing made any sense.  I think for me the problem is that your story feels like an empty husk with all the guts missing. You have very interesting visuals but no real plot, or any clear motive or dramatic problem.

A person is killed, buried in a forest then stuff happens or repeats itself, I'm not sure wihich. I loved the antics of Christian and how he chew dirt and raise Gabriel up out of the dirt. Christian had a real cool supernatural vibe going on.

The cut on the cheek felt important. Was dead Gaberial buried, then Christian morphed into Gabrieal and took on his persona?

Plus it felt like 30 pages was to long for your idea and your story was stretched thin. Did you struggle to get this story to fit the 30 page count?  

Visually this was stunning and the air of mystery and the blur between this being a supernatural encounter or just another trippy dream was very well done and gave your script a nice surreal touch.  But other then that I found this to be elusive, confusing and with as much substance as smoke.    


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 19th, 2010, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Tonka

Any comments are appreciated. And I don't sound mad during any part of this review.


Quoted Text
I hate reading scripts like this. They make my head hurt and I feel stupid.

lol. The reader's not suppose to feel that. That's the writer's feelings. lol.  It seems that alot of people are not getting this one, not like the first time this happens. But I tried to make this simple and then simpler with the revision.


Quoted Text
I read it, every word and nothing made any sense.  I think for me the problem is that your story feels like an empty husk with all the guts missing. You have very interesting visuals but no real plot, or any clear motive or dramatic problem.


It's supernatural so  alot of stuff don't make sense. lol. But honestly, someone coming back from the dead is not a dramatic problem? Being told to kill him or you die is not a clear motive?


Quoted Text
A person is killed, buried in a forest then stuff happens or repeats itself, I'm not sure wihich. I loved the antics of Christian and how he chew dirt and raise Gabriel up out of the dirt. Christian had a real cool supernatural vibe going on.


It's more that stuff happens than repeats. lol. Thanks for the Christian compliment.


Quoted Text
The cut on the cheek felt important. Was dead Gaberial buried, then Christian morphed into Gabrieal and took on his persona?


Yes. The reason, simply too torment and ordered by Christian's boss. I explained in a previous post is that Christian is a shapeshifter. I hint this in the beginning so that the end makes sense.


Quoted Text
Plus it felt like 30 pages was to long for your idea and your story was stretched thin. Did you struggle to get this story to fit the 30 page count?


Actually, no. lol. My struggle came in trying to explain as much as possible in a 30 pg. script.  I still think that I did a better job in the revision than the original, not being arrogant here. lol. But I think it makes more sense especially in what I added, modified and deleted.


Quoted Text
Visually this was stunning and the air of mystery and the blur between this being a supernatural encounter or just another trippy dream was very well done and gave your script a nice surreal touch.  But other then that I found this to be elusive, confusing and with as much substance as smoke.


Thanks for the read and compliments.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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grademan
Posted: June 21st, 2010, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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Mr. Ripley,

Good to see a rewrite of Caine. Visuals are still good. You changed up the story but it still lacks coherency which is my way of saying WTF? Point A should lead us to point B, etc. I felt like I was floundering in following the tale. I actually liked the first one better.

Hope this helps.

Gary
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary

Thanks. Do you mind telling me what parts are confusing you?


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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grademan
Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Gabriel,

This was confusing to me whenever Christian was appearing as another person. For some reason, I had trouble keeping track of Caine and Gabriel - which of them was talking. dead, or responsible for what actions. Maybe too much bounding around or lack of a firm setup for the characters?

The story itself is confusing. My quick summary:

-- An older man  (unidentified) kills a couple in bed (also unidentified), the older man talks to the audience and then morphs into Christian (who may or may not be a demon).

-- The names of the dead couple are Gabriel and Grace who are later idenitifed as Caine's brother and Caine's ex-girlfriend.

-- Caine has a confusing conversation and experiences with Chrisitan in the woods.

-- Through some hocus pocus Caine goes back to the murder scene and kills Gabriel but Caine is really Christian so Christian's plan (whatever that was) worked.

I understand the desire to reveal info slowly in paranormal stories but it didn't work for me in this situation. I know you cleaned up your story with this draft but I think improvement is still needed to nail your story.

Maybe a scene at the beginning showing the couple in a happy situation and Caine looking on with a hurt look on his face would help set this up better. Then start Chirstian's dialog (which I think should still be VO otherwise we are just looking at him while talking).

I hope this clarifies my review above about the parts I found to be confusing.

Gary
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