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Back Fence Talk by Ovi Akpojotor (24 grams) - Short, Drama - The friends discuss the mysterious disappearance of their neighbours. 22 pages - pdf, format
This is a fun read and an interesting concept. One issue, however, is simply by the nature of the way it's told, the "twist" at the end was fairly obvious within the first couple pages. Additionally, your summary, while intriguing, kind of gave it away.
On a more nitpicky level, this could also use a proofread. The errors weren't prolific, but there were several. For example, there's a moment when the character speaking is Michelle when I think it was supposed to be Naomi.
As far as the dialogue is concerned, it sometimes feels unnatural. The two main characters seem to swing back and forth between very formal phrasing and awkward grammatical errors. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, but I found it somewhat distracting.
All in all though, this is a thoroughly engaging script with a good concept. With some polish it could be something excellent.
Thanks for reading. I was beginning to think I wasn't going to get any comments...22 pages can be a bit too much for people especially when you read it and it's c**p : ). This script though, I don't think so. Regarding the twist, yeah I was trying my hardest to avoid that...But then again tgood, I'm guessing you've read quite a few scripts in your time. Do you think anyone else (not so studied) would have seen it coming?
As for the mistakes I guess I have to read it again...I assume you're right though. I kept getting those names mixed up while I was writing (for some reason).
I can understand the formal writing though, I can get carried away... I sometimes forget that I'm not writing an essay or a letter after all this is supposed to be fun writing.
Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
I found this script to be a great read, yes there were a few typo's and the ending was obvious, but I cant remember the last time I read an article in the newspaper w/o at least one typo. Or seeing a movie ( and I watch a lot of movies, as I'm sure you all do) where the ending wasn't apparent by, at best, half way threw. I loved it, I'm nobody, but I loved it.
Sorry, 24grams, I knew you got some good responses from the previous two reviewers, but the script just didn't work for me. I'm not here to bash your script though.
First, I'm going to talk about the technical mistakes. If there are only a few, I'll let them pass, but there are actually tons.
You missed a lot of V.O. from Ada and Naomi when they were not in the scenes but talking about the scenes. That could be confusing because people will think the women were present when they were still outside the apartment complex.
Lots of pass tense and passive verbiage. (e.g. is "--ing"). If you use present tense, it'll make the read more active and shortens the sentences. Usually action paragraphs shouldn't be over four lines. It's not a golden rule, but people tend to skip over those. Try to break it up into separate paragraphs.
Then there are the montages and flashbacks. They don't work here because they are inactive writing. Many of them are showing us things that we get with one scene: they have financial trouble, Michelle is suspicious of Clayton having an affair, etc.
The biggest problem for me is that the story is told by Ada and Naomi retrospectively, rather than them experiencing them first hand. It would make it a much more engaging read if the women witness the events in present time.
A lot of tightening can be done. The first three pages of small talk between the women can be trimmed down by a lot, or not even needed because they are not part of the story. This script, if done properly, can be trimmed down to half the length.
Story-wise, it's actually pretty straightforward and the payoff isn't that satisfying either. All those talk and suspicion for nothing. It's like going for a treasure hunt and found the treasure box empty.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but this script needs a lot of work.
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
So, I guess I'm going to land somewhere in between your other reviwers. I thought the writing itself was more than adequate, while there were some formatting errors.
As far as the story, I have to be honest, I enjoyed it, and didn't see the ending coming. Then again, I suppose I would agree with Coding in that I almost wished that (SPOLIER) something more sinister had happened.
That said, I liked the overall vibe of the script. Its woman gossiping meets CSI. Who can't get behind that??? Seriously though, I think you had some nice visuals here and I could see what you were going for in having Ada and Naomi kind of witnessing what was going on. The only thing that I would caution is that you may need to re-check some of the formatting issues. Coding suggested that it should be an (O.S.) when Naomi and Ada are witnessing the events, but then again, they are actually on screen if I'm getting what you are going for. Like I said, I would try and track down the proper format for this kind of stuff.
Some rewievers will probably have a problem with the flashbacks and stuff like that. I've never totally got that, but there are a couple of places where I think you can cut down on it, or at the very least, break it up (see below).
Anyway, here are a couple of things I picked out, page by page. I hope it helps.
P. 3 “I know it gets dark later this time of year, but four? And she tries to creep in...”
I liked this line. I think we’ve all been there in our younger days. Trying to sneak in drunk, thinking we are being slick when in reality we are making a racket. Ah, the good ole days!
P. 6
MICHELLE Ada, Clayton. Clayton, Ada. (at Clayton) Sort it out. Michelle returns to the food. Clayton puts his paper down. CLAYTON (at Ada) Hi, have a seat if you want. Confused, he shrugs at Ada (gesturing towards Michelle) and goes back to his paper.
It may just be me, but I found the directions (i.e. at Clayton, gesturing towards Michelle) a little distracting here. Not sure if it’s because of the way you formatted or not, but maybe think about reworking this. Again, just my opinion.
P. 6
EVERYTHING ZONES OUT AND THE SURROUNDING SOUND DIES TO A MUTE. Naomi appears on Clayton’s chair.
I liked this. Honestly, this is what drew me in. Nice touch, and I could def see it in my mind’s eye.
P. 8 “MICHELLE I’ll take your advice and head back inside. Thanks Ada.” I think you might be able to cut stuff like this. Seems superfluous.
P. 8 ADA This was what she was concerned about. Maybe a wrylie here. Ada (to herself). Not a big deal though I don’t think. P. 9 NAOMI I have to say, this feels all too familiar. I take it, this is Naomi interjecting while Ada is relating the flashback. I honestly have no idea if this is formatted correctly, but again, I can see it. I would just check to ensure that this is proper formatting. P. 12 END FLASHBACK. BEGIN ADA’S FLASHBACK: I think you might be well served to split up the previous flashback and this one with a little dialogue between Ada and Naomi on the bench. Although I don’t mind flashback at all, I think it may be too much to go from one, right to another. Break it up a bit. P. 13 BEGIN NAOMI’S FLASHBACK: Same as above. P. 14 He hides to gym bag at the bottom of a wardrobe, Michelle has a glimpse of this before closing her eyes.
Think s/b “He hides THE gym bag…”
P. 18 ADA And This is when I realized.
“This” is capitalized.
P. 18 NAOMI How sick do you she is?
S/B how sick do you THINK she is - I believe.
P. 20
She slowly heads for the door, facing her him as she moves. Finally she’s there.
Her/him.
P. 19 and 21
SUPER: THE NEXT DAY. INT. MICHELLE AND CLAYTON’S APARTMENT
On p. 19 you write the above, and then on p. 21 you end a flashback. Think you missed the start of the flashback on p. 19.
P. 21
ADA Interesting theory, but I don’t trust accuracy of your sources.
I thinkit s/b “I don’t trust THE accuracy of your sources.”
Overall, I liked it, though I think you can still bring it to another level. As I said earlier, maybe something sinister does actually happen. Perhaps one of Ada or Naomi are involved. Maybe Naomi is the "other woman" and she has been pulling Ada's leg the whole time.
Anyway, as I said, I thought the writing was fine, just needs a few more tweeks, and who can't say the same about their own writing. Good luck, dude.
You missed a lot of V.O. from Ada and Naomi when they were not in the scenes but talking about the scenes. That could be confusing because people will think the women were present when they were still outside the apartment complex.
There seems to be some confusion here, Ada and Naomi WERE in the scenes, they were BOTH present in the flashbacks. I tried to represent this as revealing their voyeuristic attitude, surreal I know, but I wanted something different than the standard flashback.
Lots of pass tense and passive verbiage. (e.g. is "--ing"). If you use present tense, it'll make the read more active and shortens the sentences. Usually action paragraphs shouldn't be over four lines. It's not a golden rule, but people tend to skip over those. Try to break it up into separate paragraphs.
Both of the things you mention here I tried...Maybe not enough I guess.
Then there are the montages and flashbacks. They don't work here because they are inactive writing. Many of them are showing us things that we get with one scene: they have financial trouble, Michelle is suspicious of Clayton having an affair, etc.
True. But this is just speculation. Nether Ada nor Naomi were actually there. The Montages are just actions, going on while the women are watching...because they are present. The montages are there mainly the accompany their conversation visually showing what they are saying.
The biggest problem for me is that the story is told by Ada and Naomi retrospectively, rather than them experiencing them first hand.
That's the point. They don't really know them personally, which is why they're speculating their disappearance. The montages are either speculation or they are flat out lies...none of these things happened. The flashbacks did happen but they are misinterpreted.
It would make it a much more engaging read if the women witness the events in present time.
This is why I include the receptive woman in the flashbacks too, even when in truth they weren't actually there. Look again in the first flashback Noami is sitting in Clayton's chair.
A lot of tightening can be done. The first three pages of small talk between the women can be trimmed down by a lot, or not even needed because they are not part of the story. This script, if done properly, can be trimmed down to half the length.
I've heard this one quite a bit. But i did this for several reasons:
1. To get to know the characters.
2. To set the scene.
3. This is what they do. They like to sit down and talk c**p all day. (if you would excuse my language).
4. I also found it hard for them to just get straight to the topic at hand. If anyone has advice on how to do this I'm all ears.
Story-wise, it's actually pretty straightforward and the payoff isn't that satisfying either. All those talk and suspicion for nothing. It's like going for a treasure hunt and found the treasure box empty.
Fair enough, but in terms of your analogy these women like treasure hunting just for the sake of the hunt even when they know that there probably isn't even any treasure there in the first place. Naomi is a single mum who has to look after her child all day...doesn't get up to much. Ada is a house-wife who does the reigns about her house, also, not up to much...It's a summer's day and all these two women can do is sit about fabricating stories and bad mouthing other people. While these supposed "killers" are one holiday.
Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
Thanks for the feedback. I hate posting twice in a roll but you're right. I can't believe there are formatting errors, I'm usually so careful with these things (then again I was a bit too eager to write this). As for Ada and Naomi being in the flashbacks...that's what got me to write this script, it is rarely done. This also explains why I found it so hard to find the proper formatting for it, I don't remember seeing this in any film so I couldn't find any examples.
I'm glad about the mostly positive feedback though, because to be honest this usually isn't my kind of story....I personally don't like dialogue driven scripts, and on occasion I went a little overboard on it. The bland ending was used to make a point (as I mentioned on the previous post) and I made a promise to myself that my first ten scripts (this is only my third) would not include sex, drugs, violence or murder...to force me to be more creative.
As for everyone that posted I'll return the favor.
Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
I read over your comments and I tried to read it a second time. But the same thing happened to me. I lost interest right at the same spot as when I read it the first time (page 12 during the montage). Maybe it's only me.
Once again, I'll reiterate what I think the main problem is. First, who are your protagonists? Naomi and Ada? Or Michelle and Clayton? If I word it differently: whose shoes should the audience be in throughout the entire story?
If it's Naomi and Ada, then all we see them do is talk, talk, talk. They witness the events happening to another couple. And this is very passive. Furthermore, the first 3 pages of them doing small talk didn't make us knowing them any better. This is because character is shown by action during conflicts. All I know about them is they are gossipy. A person having 3 children, a mean boss, and a chihuahua does not a character make.
What I think would help is: instead of having them talking about the suspicion, how about having them act upon the suspicion? Have them investigate what's going on. Now the audience is more engaged to their "adventure". But by all means, they can start by talking about the suspicion, but not for the entire script.
If the protagonists are Clayton and Michelle (which I don't think this is the case), then we have another problem. The audience does not experience what the couple experiences first hand. We are always on the outside looking into their life. We cannot feel what they feel. This time the audience is passive.
One more suggestion, if you really want to give us information about Naomi and Ada's life, it'd be better to bring it up when it's important to the story. Because the moment you mention it to us, the audience will raise a flag and think, "Oh, the writer is telling us this specific information and I have to remember it because it might be important later on." What if Ada's daughter or husband are involved with their suspicion as well?
Once again, this is just my humble opinion. And by no means this is a bad script, it's just not engaging enough for me.
Thanks for replying to my review.
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
By the way, I do understand your point of the script: people talk about things and they can be misinterpreted and wrong.
How about instead of having Naomi and Ada just plain talking after the fact the couple were gone, try having the women getting suspicious during the fallout between the couple. That way you can incorporate the women visiting the couple (**ACTION**), and then intertwine it with talking.
Just my 2 cents.
Hopefully more reviewers will weigh in on this.
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
I love the idea and gossipers do have wild imagination... I loved how easily they switched to the next story
Few notes:
p1 - your opening scene - the set description is not very clear, I think - are they at the pool?
pp1-3 - I think you could speed it up and get to the heart faster - two gossipers found a new story!
p12 through 13 - Ada's flashback - has she seen all this with her own eyes? Maybe you could have her on the staircase, peeking in and seeing or hearing something through an open door...just like you did it at the beginning of page 14 where you show Naomi watching him converse with some man... Naomi's flashback makes total sense - you show her hearing and seeing stuff...
p16- I think it's strange that Michelle should ask Clayton about what's been bothering him in front of Ada.
I have a short titled Gossiper. I'll think of smart title and post it here. Thanks for the read.
Thanks for the input Khamanna. You made a good point about it being kind of strange for Michelle to ask Clayton whats bothering him in front of Ada. Maybe I can put that across more subtly.
and again coding, I accept everyone's feedback...particularly the ones which aren't positive. Your points are valid (some which I thought about while I was writing). This script isn't everyone's "cup of tea". I'm gonna set this one aside, perhaps you'll like my others.
Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
just read your script. I think the idea of two gossiping women getting their imaginations to run wild is good. Happens a lot in real life too. Especially with women. So the story itself here is perfectly fine. I agree it is a bit predictable, but that's okay.
What made this one miss the mark a bit for me is the way you chose to tell the story. In regards to typos and missing words, I usually ignore those, but they were quite rampant here which made it distracting. I would suggest that you listen to the last SimplyRadio podcast and the reason I say that is because Babz specifically mention words ending with ly and ing. That's something that hurts your script. Scripts should be written in present tense. The biggest part hurting this script however was the confusing way you told it. Many times I had to stop and reread because I had no idea what you meant. The flashbacks for example were described oddly and the were not in order. One said three weeks ago (I think) and then after that another say eithe later or earlier and I didn't know if you meant earlier/later than the last flashback or from the present time. The other thing was Naomi and Ada appearing in those flashback scenes. For a while there I thought this had turned supernatural and they were sort of ghosting in on Clayton and Michelle. Many times I thought their dialogue should have been in (V.O.).
So, I liked the story, but I would have liked to see it unfold in a more clear way. It could also benefit from some tension added. Tighten it up. Give us some suspense and let us believe that the two women could actually be correct in their assumptions about the couple. If you don't the twist isn't really a twist, just what we expected.
Thanks for reading Pia, your scripts are good quality so I appreciate your opinion.
I understand what you mean about the confusing flashbacks, as I don't specifically state the times of the flashbacks and they are consistent throughout the script. Perhaps I should scrap the "super" altogether as I believe it would make sense on screen or is there a better way? I must admit though I am guilty of trying to condense everything to 22 pages and as the technique I was going for isn't used often I couldn't find any scripts that used what I was going for.
In regards to the typos and missing words, the ing and ly are there throughout, I guess it's quite obvious I don't write scripts that often eh?
As I've mentioned before what got me to write this script was the concept of the two women gossiping about a subject while watching the events happening in front of them. As if the were watching a movie. The ending is predictable but I wanted to point out the fact that gossiping is typically exaggerated and I found it hard to convince the reader that the women might be right whilst at the same time not showing something that didn't actually happen.
Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
Thanks for the read. Yeah, I know the formatting is a mess.
Yes, I'm glad you "got" it...The twist in the end is obvious, but that was not the point. My point was you found out more about Ada & Naomi by what they were saying about the couple, than you did about the couple.
I'm also glad you filled me in about what you did/didn't like...
I'm going to re-write this, probably reduce it to 10 pages.
Thanks again. By the way did I mention you wrote some good scripts?
Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”