Anthony,

I thought this one was pretty decent. Could be tweaked to make it even better however. IMHO, there were too many characters for an 8 pager. The way you set this up led me to believe that the businessman was going to be a big part of this story, but then he isn't. He's just someone who donates blood. In other words, him talking about how often he donates and where he can give money is just a waste of time. I think you should make him more of a part in the end somehow.

I also felt that Jerry was a wasted character, but also described oddly. You describe him as a simpleton and then he and Connie are a couple? That didn't make sense to me at all.

I loved the idea of feeding the baby blood. Awesome visual. I must use that sometime. I did a mummy baby once. Maybe a vampire mummy could be next. Would love to see you expand on that idea.

All in all, good work.

PS. No need for a return read.

Hope this help.  

Whoa, I made it through Jeff AND Pia...  

Thanks for the read. I had no idea I was lighting the myth on fire with the baby. Just seemed natural to me.

As for Jerry and Connie, well, Connie's not the swiftest oar in the boat either. I wanted to convey a sort of country-bumpkin mentality - in other words, people who could be lead around by the nose by McCormick and Sheehan.

I'm hoping that the guy who filmed 15 Minutes will give this one a look once he's finished with the rough cut. I imagine it would need a polish and some tweaks to get into shape.

Thanks again - Anthony

This was good - I enjoyed the work and felt that the twist worked well.

Like others have said, it certainly felt like it needed to be a bigger work - it was cramped in too small a box and needed more breathing space, in particular for character development.

Good stuff.

Simon

Thanks for the read Simon - glad you enjoyed it. I'm thinking about changes for this one as we go.

Anthony

I think you can combine the first two scenes together. They are both outside of the high school.

You can start right at the sign up area. Don't need the scene showing a young woman and the elderly man on a gurney. Get straight to the point. Less characters to distract the readers.

Good dialogue between the Father and the Business Man. But from that instance where the Father said the school is occupied during the day for blood donations. I can see they are vampires right away. It's hard to give out clues without being too revealing, I know. Maybe you can hide this clue better?

The majority of the script afterward I was a bit confused. The main problem is the readers are left in the dark as to what's going on. What's the conflict's about? Even I predict they are vampires, I don't know what they are arguing about. So I could care less.

I think it's better to actually state upfront that they are vampires, then tells us about the conflict. Right now their dialogue is too cryptic. All I know is there's some trouble in Johnstown.

Page 7 is the juicy part of the script, and I liked that scene very much with the stake stabbing. But too bad it comes way too late into the script.

Nevertheless, I still enjoyed it.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for the read coding, and for the suggestions. I may have been a little too cryptic with the Johnstown thing so I will address that in any re-write.

Thanks again - Anthony