Give Blood by Anthony Russo (ajrscreenworks) - Short, Horror, Thriller - But you may find that blood is not enough… 8 pages - pdf, format

Hey Russo;

Big Townshend fan over here, earns you a read on that alone.

But I must let you know this piece held few surprises for me.  There are maybe a dozen pieces around here that tell the exact same story, more or less.

Reading through this and perusing for errors, however, I found little to complain about.

One might argue that this has too many characters for such a short piece -- particularly early on -- but then, I am also given to understand that this characteristic is endemic of your work.

Jerry, for example, brings nothing to the table.

You should always try to tell your story with the fewest number of characters possible.  At least, that is my opinion -- and it inarguably eases production.

I will give you the baby as a nice touch, perhaps the best thing in the script.  If you were to expand on that angle -- tell us a story about Connie and this little guy -- then you might have something that would feel fresher.

And there must be some other way to handle that final line of dialogue.  It is good, but the way you handle it here it comes off more as a punchline, if that makes sense.

So, while this is good alone, there are too many like it.  I would leave this script out there, for sure, but would not invest too much time on rewrites.  If you liked writing this one, or this topic in general, I would spend some time composing a tale about Connie and her unique burden, apart from the rest of these characters.

Well, well...Mr Russo.

Here we go.  This didn't do much for me.  But it's not by any fault of your own.  I'm just tired of vampires, zombies and serial killers.  Whatever happened to inspirational stories? Stories that lift the spirit?  That's a non-rhetoriocal question so don't bother retorting.

To the story; your writing stryle is flawless.  You have truly dialed in your own voice. I noticed you omitted some of the characters ages in lieu of just describing them. Clever.  Other than that,  this story seemed like an 8 page build up to the sheep punchline.  But, I'm sure plenty of others will enjoy it.   You're becoming a force to be reckoned with around here.

Nice effort.

Bert,

The logline is a total red herring. I'm really glad the first reader got and appreciated the reference...

And this is hugely experimental for me, more so to stretch myself as a writer, so I would not know how derivative the idea is. I just tried to concentrate on story telling.

Mike,

I viewed this as sort of the anti (SPOILER) script I've always wanted to write.  And as for others enjoying it, well, I'm a neophyte in this genre, so I'm expecting guns blazing...  

Thanks to both of you for the read -

Anthony

Hey Anthony,

Great work again. Very different from your other work. I liked this, but as Bert said, there are many similar scripts posted here. I've read at least two on this site that deal with this subject that deal with this subject in a similar way.

That being said, it was still very enjoyable and well worth the read. Well written as always, good dialogue and interesting characters. If this was an experiment in this genre, consider it a success.

Well done!

Brian

Brian,

Thanks for the read. Yeah, I would never know about these other works because I don't normally read them, but I'm glad you thought it was a decent experiment.

Anthony

This piece felt like part of a bigger story though, at the same time, it dragged a little.  The name of the organization was something of a give away for me, but it all played out nicely.


Phil

Aj writing a horror??? Gotta check this out.

Spoilers!!!!

Of course, vampires, one of my fave subjects. I didn't get the logline, so it didn't throw me off.

As far as originality, it's been done where vampires try to fabricate their own blood to co-exist with man.. i.e. True BLood, Underworld, but I've never seem them try to mimic the read cross to get their hands on it. So good job there.

My problem with this piece is that it lacks a little intensity IMO. Bert suggested you explore the relationship between Connie and her baby. Not a bad Idea. Some people would argue that vampires can't have babies, so you'd have to address that.

Also, is a little hard to believe they could pull off the charade of mutliple donor sites going off.

When Mccormick and Sheehan argue they talk about being hunted like animals. It's like man is aware of their existence. So if i may be so bold as to offer another suggestion.

The people know that they're vampires. It's in a time where vampires lost a war with man. Mccormick pioneered the pact between them. They set up donor sites hoping people will give for their survival, which the gov't allows.  They'd probably just get freaks that wanna be like them, peace junkies, the like. Picketers wherever they go.

Sheehan knows they're starving, Would give more impact to feeding the hungry baby, He threatens to break the pact... Then your ending would work nicely as Mccormick does what he has to...

But if you're like me, I usually just throw suggestions in the trash bin.

Either way, good clean work. Quick read. I enjoyed it.

James

Phil,

Thanks for the read - I'll take "it all played out nicely" from you and run...

jwent,

Yeah, was a bit nervous about writing this one because I'm not steeped in the lore. It is an interesting suggestion you have, though. I guess what attracted me to it was the thought of the ruse - and the resulting "what's all the big deal about nasty (SPOILERS) then anyway when they can get what they want by behaving?

Thanks for checking it out -

Anthony

Hey Russo!

This one wasn't horror filled or that tension building, The glowing eyes weren't a big reveal or surprise. The character who felt the the "need to feed" reminded me of Top Gun's tagline the "need for speed."

However, the writing was good. I took this more as a thinking man's horror. If that means anything. I always doubt the use of quotes at the beginning or the end of a script since I think they work better in novels.

The baby should have ripped the nipple right off that bottle. Or, the hungry blood junkie should have ripped the bottle away from the baby. Or, the  jumkie should have ripped off the baby's head... well, you get the point. (Sorry about that, I got carried away.)

This might have been good for the last OWC on the supernatural if expanded on the baby's story.

You certainly are trying new things. Kudos.

Gary

Rademan!

Thanks for the read as always - and I'll take "thinking man's horror", which is probably the limit of my talent in this genre.

Anthony

This script was meh. Although I don't share screenriders religious scruples, there is alot of the same cliche storylines circulating this board. First off there isn't enough of a story for me to care for the characters, and their unworldly problems. With shorts it's difficult to make it compelling and keep it short, but that is the challange we screenwriters must tackle.

The writing was readable and clear. As a reader I would pass on it because it didn't move me in anyway.

I always say it is better to be a bad writer with good stories than the recipical.

I think there's a compliment in there somewhere... (0:

Thanks for the read inquiringmind - as I said earlier, this is really a stretch for me as far as genre. Sorry it didn't work for you.

Anthony

Quoted from ajr I think there's a compliment in there somewhere... (0: Thanks for the read inquiringmind - as I said earlier, this is really a stretch for me as far as genre. Sorry it didn't work for you. Anthony

Anthony no need to apologise, it didn't work for me, but keep up the good work.

Take care

Eric

Clever idea having vampires set up a blood drive.  Was the phlebotomist a vampire , too?

Your format is on, but I think what sank this script for me was the fact that you never ratcheted up the tension.  I think everyone saw the vampire twist coming.  It's at night, blood drive, priest.  All the elements were there.  So, what this script needed was a twist that no one saw coming.

Also, it's almost like there's a bigger story attached to this smaller one.  All this talk of a vampire code and the entire operation and stuff.  There's a whole lot of talk among the characters about stuff that happened elsewhere.  All that took away from the immediacy of what was happening right there in the high school.  And, I don't think you needed all these characters.  This script is a bit overpopulated.

If you do rewrite, I might suggest leaving the action within the gym and cook up a way to raise the tension.  Maybe the businessman begins to realize this is no normal blood drive and he's in serious shite.

As I said, formatting seemed good.  You did misspell bassinet a few times.  

I think with a rewrite you could turn this into a dark little script.

ryan1,

Thanks very much for the read - this was my first attempt in the horror genre.

I'll definitely keep your notes in mind if I ever do a re-write. Oh, and yes, the phlebotimists were as well... (0:

Anthony

This reminds of EC Comics' Midnight Mess, in which a town of vampires discreetly feed off the living.

I can see why vampires would set up their own blood-donar sites, but I think the script would have had more meat if the rogue vampire really wanted to hunt someone down.  If he talked about sensing a person's fear and such, it would have been more compelling than just having a need to feed.

Nice touch with the baby.  For a minute there, I thought was going to be something along the lines of Rosemary's Baby.  I was a bit disappointed that it involved vapires though.  A demon seed would have been a more original angle.

Richcraft,

Thanks for the read, and that's a pretty good suggestion about Sheehan.

Anthony

Hey Anthony, just found this.

I liked it for what it is.  It's written well, and I don't get to say that very often in here.

For me, the problems started with Sheehan.  Things lost credibility for some reason.  I lost track of where they were.  Did this all go down in the RV?  Did Sheehan even enter the RV?  Did the priest enter it as well, and is this where he stabbed him?  (I could go back and check, but I'm feeling lazy).

Again, for what it is, it's good.  I agree it needs some more tension, some more uniqueness, and maybe more of a feeling that this is indeed a standalone script. As it sits now, it's lacking in these 3 areas, IMO, but overall, I'm not going to complain about it.

Good job!

Jeff,

Boy was I worried when I saw your name up top!

Thanks for the read and I'm glad you thought it was good. Obviously this is a stretch for me, to see if I can translate to other genres.

I'll have to re-read the part you mentioned - I thought I had them both enter the RV, but I'll check.

Thanks again and ... whew!

Anthony

Anthony, I checked it...I was feeling less lazy, I guess.

They are all in the RV, but for some reason, it still doesn't read very clear for me.  Not sure exactly why.

Anyone else get this feeling, or is just me?

Jeff, i actually did too when I first read it. Sheehan rolls in on his cycle. Then takes off his helmet INT. RV. Then Father Mccormick shows up in the doorway.

I think if Anthony spelled out that they entered the RV. or even lose the scene of Sheehan pulling up outside without anything happening. It would be an easier read.

After going back i got it though. But it did seem a clunky transition.

james

Cool...for once, I'm not all alone.

AJR, I do like this though and am really happy to see a well written script.

vampires running a fake blood donation set up. Tsk Tsk. someone hand those fangers a nice hot cup of True Blood.

Have to agree with Bert on this one, had a "been there done that" kind of vibe to it- but with one exception.

A baby vampire? What the fuck? whould that even work? It such a crazy idea that it needs exploring. If being trapped in a childs body was enough to piss off Kirsten Dunst vampire in Interview with a vampire, imagine what a vampire would be like trapped inside a baby's body? What would become of a few hundred year old baby? would it gain intelligence, independence, walk, crawl or just be a baby forever? How would it look after itself? how would it feed? Would it have super strength?

A fascinating idea and I reckon you should dump everything else, take the baby and run with it.  

Thanks for the read tonka - all I can say is that this was experimental for me to write in this genre so I'm not steeped in the lore, therefore any controversy or spark of an idea was created quite by accident...

And thanks again Jeff - I was going to ask what you did with the real Jeff because I didn't think there was any way you could possibly like this, but there you go.

I may revisit this at some point and do some real research. I've recently connected with a lot of people looking to film shorts and I have nothing to give them.

Anthony

Vampire babies have been done before.  I remember a cheesy 1970s horror movie with one.  And there was also It's Alive.

It's Alive had nothing to do with vampires.

Just going with the baby monster theme.

Hey Anthony, just read this one.

I like the main idea... the vampires' scheme to get food without killing. If it was done before, I haven't seen it, so this was new too me. Cool stuff.

Just one grip:

The script keeps raising questions in the reader's mind (which is good) and then gives a satisfactory answer at the end (which is good), but there isn't anything else. There seems to be only build-up to service the reveal.

By all means, keep this, but is there anything more you can add to enrich this scenario with new dramatic layers? The characters mention that something went wrong someplace else (where there was a similar scheme going on I think).

What if something went wrong in *this* school? Then your characters would be the ones who would have to contain the situation. This would add more direct conflict to the scenario and enrich the dynamics of the story. Just a thought.

Good job, though. Keep writing.

Hey Z,

Thanks for the read.

I did think about your suggestion while I was writing it, and in the end I wanted the tension to be between McCormick and Sheehan, without any gratuitous killings. I saw this as opposing viewpoints - one who wants a new world order, and one who wants to reign terror.

I see what you mean though about maybe rushing through this and not amping up the tension. And I may be able to give these characters a crisis without adding killings, come to think of it.

Thanks for the food for thought - Anthony

Anthony,

I thought this one was pretty decent. Could be tweaked to make it even better however. IMHO, there were too many characters for an 8 pager. The way you set this up led me to believe that the businessman was going to be a big part of this story, but then he isn't. He's just someone who donates blood. In other words, him talking about how often he donates and where he can give money is just a waste of time. I think you should make him more of a part in the end somehow.

I also felt that Jerry was a wasted character, but also described oddly. You describe him as a simpleton and then he and Connie are a couple? That didn't make sense to me at all.

I loved the idea of feeding the baby blood. Awesome visual. I must use that sometime. I did a mummy baby once. Maybe a vampire mummy could be next. Would love to see you expand on that idea.

All in all, good work.

PS. No need for a return read.

Hope this help.  

Whoa, I made it through Jeff AND Pia...  

Thanks for the read. I had no idea I was lighting the myth on fire with the baby. Just seemed natural to me.

As for Jerry and Connie, well, Connie's not the swiftest oar in the boat either. I wanted to convey a sort of country-bumpkin mentality - in other words, people who could be lead around by the nose by McCormick and Sheehan.

I'm hoping that the guy who filmed 15 Minutes will give this one a look once he's finished with the rough cut. I imagine it would need a polish and some tweaks to get into shape.

Thanks again - Anthony

This was good - I enjoyed the work and felt that the twist worked well.

Like others have said, it certainly felt like it needed to be a bigger work - it was cramped in too small a box and needed more breathing space, in particular for character development.

Good stuff.

Simon

Thanks for the read Simon - glad you enjoyed it. I'm thinking about changes for this one as we go.

Anthony

I think you can combine the first two scenes together. They are both outside of the high school.

You can start right at the sign up area. Don't need the scene showing a young woman and the elderly man on a gurney. Get straight to the point. Less characters to distract the readers.

Good dialogue between the Father and the Business Man. But from that instance where the Father said the school is occupied during the day for blood donations. I can see they are vampires right away. It's hard to give out clues without being too revealing, I know. Maybe you can hide this clue better?

The majority of the script afterward I was a bit confused. The main problem is the readers are left in the dark as to what's going on. What's the conflict's about? Even I predict they are vampires, I don't know what they are arguing about. So I could care less.

I think it's better to actually state upfront that they are vampires, then tells us about the conflict. Right now their dialogue is too cryptic. All I know is there's some trouble in Johnstown.

Page 7 is the juicy part of the script, and I liked that scene very much with the stake stabbing. But too bad it comes way too late into the script.

Nevertheless, I still enjoyed it.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for the read coding, and for the suggestions. I may have been a little too cryptic with the Johnstown thing so I will address that in any re-write.

Thanks again - Anthony