Bert writing soft porn???...maybe I need to reread this. I think I missed that part.

Bert...

The long anticipated premiere.   This was a breeze to get through.  You're a vet and so I don't have too much to offer here...

I only have a few comments... It was nice to have one centered around Tanis.  Lots of things going on and to my own surprise, I never got lost.  I thought this was well done for what it's worth.  

I couldn't find anything to disliked about this episode.  Yes, this maybe a bit different from your other work, but...

Writers shouldn't be afraid to add sizzle and style to their writing with an occasional short expletive when appropriate.  Makes the script fun to read and this one was.

Definitely, one of the better ones.  

If this is the end of the series, this was a good choice.  Though, I can't help but wonder... seems like the door was left open for another season.  IMO.

Anyway,  great job!

Ghostwriter

Hi Bert, great to read a new script from you. I've been looking forward to this one since you announced you were going to write it and it didn't dissapoint. Really enjoyed it - I listened to the IScript while reading it.

Like with 'The Farm', the transitions are fantastic in this script. I've flicked back through the script because I wasn't sure why some of the scene headers are bold and some aren't - the bold ones are for these dissolving transitions, yeah? Not sure if they're needed but I didn't have a problem with them. The underlining I could have done without but again no biggy - the underlined parts are the deaths?

One thing I wasn't too sure about is when Tanis says that "Juma belong to Tanis...Juma
be promised!". There's no real sign that Juma has promised to be with Tanis, so I'm not sure if that is all in her head or not?

The ending was very fitting to the series and it's great to know the backstory to Tanis. I forget if there's any mention of this book in any of Tanis' segments in previous episodes?

Top stuff though, sir.

Ste

Hey GW.  Thanks for ghosting over the script.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Writers shouldn't be afraid to add sizzle and style to their writing with an occasional short expletive when appropriate.  Makes the script fun to read...

I do agree with this, but I also think a few of my experiments may have fizzled.  More on that below, with Ste.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Though, I can't help but wonder... seems like the door was left open for another season.

I honestly have no idea at this point.  Perhaps when Cornetto wraps up "The Dark", he will find himself itching for another project.  Perhaps a letter-writing campaign to our producer would help..


And Ste, thank you, sir.  As mentioned elsewhere, this episode was also for a bit of play -- to experiment with a few formatting tweaks and gauge the reader response.

Quoted from Ste I wasn't sure why some of the scene headers are bold and some aren't...

Bolding here signals a new scene -- that we are moving to a different place and time.  It is certainly not mandatory, but I did like it when I read it elsewhere.  It seems to only confuse most readers, I'm afraid.

Quoted from Ste The underlining I could have done without but again no biggy -- the underlined parts are the deaths?

Those are supposed to be the "shock" scenes.  If you were watching a film, it is at this point the high-pitched violins would start screeching at you -- the musical "stingers".

But for those keeping score, this technique has proven wildly unpopular.  I think I shall abandon this one.

Quoted from Ste There's no real sign that Juma has promised to be with Tanis...

A cut scene.  I was running really long.  I had hoped that line would be enough to establish an pre-existing commitment there.

And the book was never mentioned, Ste.  It was her "item" for this go-round, and the source of all her stories.

Thank you again, guys.  Your time and thoughts are appreciated.

Quoted from bert But for those keeping score, this technique has proven wildly unpopular.  I think I shall abandon this one.

That's damn good writing (as long as the technique is not overused). Don't let anyone talk you out of it.

Underlining a sentence (or writing it in all CAPS like I've seen in some good horror scripts) is a perfect way to represent those "loud" moments on the page.

IMHO.

Quoted from Mr.Z Underlining a sentence (or writing it in all CAPS like I've seen in some good horror scripts) is a perfect way to represent those "loud" moments on the page. IMHO.

Take you Hack Humble Opinion somewhere else!  

I'd rather express my opinion where it's not wanted.  

Bert (and everyone else) I want you to know that in no way was I trying to trash you or your script.  In fact, I didn’t really dislike it…more that it didn’t live up to my expectations at all, and I was let down.  I know you’re a great writer and that goes without question.

Not to argue anything here, but I do want you to know that I don’t just bring up random things for the Hell of it.  I read scripts and things jump out at me that are either incorrect, not right, or could be done better, IMO.   I do this to help, not to put down.  Many things are obviously debatable and/or matters of opinion or preference.

I realize that many, many writers, both amateur and pro, use asides and unfilmables.  I am personally very against it, because when you get right down to it, they are both “unfair” and a waste of space, in terms of both a spec script and a filmed version.  For instance…saying something about a character being a boyfriend of another character…does this help the reader understand the situation and the characters?  Yes it does.  BUT, what does it do for the actual filmed version?  Nothing, as it doesn’t transfer to film, unless the character is wearing a tag that says he’s so and so’s boyfriend.   I know you understand this completely, as it’s really Screenwriting 101, but it’s shocking how often it’s included, and it irks me to no end.

In terms of my rigidness toward certain conventions, I don’t know really.  I believe in what I believe in for certain reasons…mostly because they make sense to me.  I could write differently, obviously, but I choose not to.   Anyone can write however they want, but for me, it brings me out of the read, and I believe others feel the same…that’s always the obstacle we face when we buck the system…a system I enjoy bucking most of the time, only I do it in different ways, that many others have issues with as well.  So…I guess it comes back to being personal preference once again.

I also write scripts the way I like to read them, and I critique them based on that as well.  It’s always a fine line, and if something isn’t overdone or overused again and again, I have no problem with it.  A lot of it for me has to do with how things start off.  If it’s clean and an easy read, I tend to be much more lenient.  If it starts out with issues (in my mind), I find myself seeing them much more, and seeing them as a negative.  That’s why I always stress making sure you’re starting out appropriately and not making mistakes on the first page.

As to using your own design for things, I can’t just buy in and agree. Things are the way they are for a reason, and format issues (Flashbacks, for instance) shouldn’t be messed with just for the sake of messing with them, IMO.  If you’re simply experimenting or playing around, no big deal, but these sort of things jump out at me as being non standard, and non standard writing takes me out of the read.

The mini Slug things are fine as is, Bert.  They just came across as odd when I first read them.  Personal preference for me is to stay clear of Mini Slugs whenever possible.  I know many like using them, and I agree I should not have probably brought them up here.  Sorry.

Again, sorry to be harsh in what I said or how I said it.

What do you mean “the next thing I post better be flawless”?  Everything I post is flawless, isn’t it?  HaHa…I wish.  Funny.

Take care, Bert.  Hope this all makes sense and everything is cool with us.

I think you did a great job with what could have been an impossible script.  I remember when we first talked about it and I wasn't sure that you were ever going to actually write it.  I'm pleased you did and it's a fantastic addition to the Soulshadows series.  

What can you improve?  Well, I think you needed a little more space for this epic.  A few more pages so you could expand on some things, especially more of the mythos surrounding the book because this is the part that was least explained.

But you did well, you produced a supernatural thriller in your own style and when it comes down it, that's what the goal is.  So, SCORE!

As far as another season goes...I don't think I'm going to be producing it.  But if someone wants to step in and pick up the reins of an established project then I won't stand in their way.

Cheers all and thanks for doing all those Tanises bert.    

Hey Bert,

It's been a while since you've dropped something new on us so I was obviously looking forward to this one when I saw it was coming. This of course also meant that the expectations were high so I was almost anxious to get started on this script. Could you deliver?

Could you ever!

Bert, you just about hit it out of the park with this one. I say "just about" because the plot in itself was not exactly wooing my pants off, nothing wrong with it - but seen before. The execution though was - in my not so humble opinion - fantastic. I love this style. It's not your usual style but it works. Period. Where the so-called rules broken? And if they were, did it help the script? If yes, then what does it matter? Rules are meant to be bend, broken, shifted and altered.

Your style in this particular script is what sets it apart from other (generic) scripts in the same genre. Don't change your style cos' it makes the script flow that much better. It was vivid, it was clear and - more importantly - it was up to date. Kudos.

I really want to add something here that would give you something to work with but I don't have anything that could improve the story. Sorry. The only points I would like to make are really pathetic nitpicks:

- Tanis' accent. I mentioned this in a review of an earlier Soulshadow episode, to me, the accent doesn't sound African. It sounds Caribbean.

- The slugs. I personally love bold slugs and I also understood why you only had some of them in bold but it just didn't look good that way. Make 'em all bold.

Good stuff, Doctor Newcomer. Keep 'em coming.

Chers
Rob

Great story, but I wish it wasn't Tanis's story.

As a fan of Old Time Radio horror shows, I love the Soul Shadows series because they resemble those long-ago tales (albeit in a more mature manner).  But I also love the hosts of those shows (Raymond on Inner Sanctum, The Man in Black on Suspense, the Mysterious Traveler).  A large part of their charm lies in their unknown backgrounds.

Which is why I didn't like this story being Tanis's origin.  I built up too much hype in my mind, and any origin story was bound to disappoint me.  Loved it otherwise.

But I am a bit confused.  How did Tanis becoming the new owner of the book also make her the curator of the alcove's property?  I believe Sabra lived in a hut, not an alcove (I only read the story once so I'm not sure), so Tanis didn't inherit the alcove from her.  Of course, please correct me if I'm wrong.

Great read in any event.  Richard

Hi guys.  Sorry for the delayed response.  I have been away for about a week.

Quoted from Cornetto I think you needed a little more space for this epic

Yeah, there was a good bit left on the editing room floor, but I am pretty pleased with what came out.  You are correct that I held off on even considering this story for a while, but I am glad you suggested it.

Quoted from Sniper I love this style. It was vivid, it was clear and - more importantly - it was up to date...

You know, I expected to hear from both sides of the fence on this issue -- and it is very heartening to read a few comments from the modernist camp -- which seems to be a minority.  So that, in particular, is appreciated.

Thanks for your take on the slugs -- a technique that clearly has a few bugs to work out.  And as for Tanis' accent -- it is what it is.  I do not think I would use it again for another character.

You've been on my belated payback list for a while, Snipe.  I got some reading to do this summer, and you should drop me a PM if there is one work in particular you are keen to have eyes on.

Quoted from Richcraft I wish it wasn't Tanis' story

Ha...that is a funny comment, and I do get where you are coming from.  As for the book, Sabra had never taken a peek between its covers -- but as hinted at earlier by Z, there should probably be a different fate for Bimkubwa to help keep things consistent.

Thanks again for the comments, guys.  It is always nice to come back and find a few fresh looks.  It is appreciated.

Hi Bert,

I'm a little late to the party.  I've only skimmed over the posts here, so might bring up old news.

I didn't envisage you writing this script at all.

I thought this was a good and interesting script, it was very different from the other type of scripts people can read here.

I haven't read many of your scripts but feel this was a little different compared to your previous.  Even though I enjoyed this script, I preferred your writing style used in Starbuck Starr.

Anyway,

I think most points were already brought up.  I was wondering if Tanis was sucked into the book, how did she get out to conclude the story and present our series?

I'm thinking that another episode of someone opening the book to release Tanis and her wicked character would make a good story.

I was thinking Tanis was going to be surrounded by trinkets which formed our stories in the beginning, and center of these items would be this book.  Just a thought.

I have no qualms with how Tanis interacted with the other characters and thought the flow of your story was good.  I don't have any ideas or suggestions regarding the core of the story.

I was wondering where is the story set?  Was it in Africa or Haiti?

All the best,


Javier

Quoted from jayrex I'm a little late to the party.

Hey, Jay.  I am a little late in my response, too, I suppose.  Been a little tied up lately, and kind of wanted to wait for the OWC furor to die down anyways.

Quoted from jayrex I didn't envisage you writing this script at all...it was very different from the other type of scripts people can read here.

That is kind of what I was shooting for -- but it's met with somewhat mixed reviews.

And I kind of wrote this one for me, with a looser style that was fun to play with.  That is kind of what SoulShadows was about -- for me, anyway.

Quoted from jayrex I preferred your writing style used in Starbuck Starr.

Heh -- thanks for that, actually.  I really appreciate that comment, as it gives some basis for comparison.  When I get back to that one, it will retain that style.

Quoted from jayrex I was wondering if Tanis was sucked into the book, how did she get out to conclude the story and present our series?

The book transported her to the alcove, where she remains.  Some of the other Tanis segments have kind of alluded to that -- that she is trapped there -- and really doesn't even know where she is.  

But for this episode, I liked the idea of freeing her up from the alcove, at least a bit.

I suppose it is not exactly cut and dry, but if people can swallow the "Lost" finale...

Quoted from jayrex I was wondering where is the story set?  Was it in Africa or Haiti?

It is supposed to be Africa, but her style of speaking is just made-up -- which probably lends to the confusion, as she apparently sounds like a Caribbean voodoo lady.

Thanks for the look, Jay, and best of luck with the "Good Cop, Bad Cop" filming.  I recall liking that one pretty well -- I may have to refresh my memory before we see it in the flesh.

I started reading each new episode of Soul Shadow 2 but towards the end I found some of the stories a bit weak and just gave up after that. But now here we have the much talked about special Tanis episode. how could i pass up on that.

I'm glad i read this cause I loved every word of it. The spell Tanis cast on Afya and how it works had me laughing with joy at the pure brillance of it. very clever.

All in all this is a beautiful, simple story about the dangers of abusing magic. Do so at your own risk.

Nothing bad to say about this at all excpet one stupid tiny, tiny little thing that really bugged me and threw me out of the story for one split second. In the dialouge you mention  "hungry Tigers" (page 13) I'm guessing this story is set in Africa right? No tigers in Africa as they come from India. These natives would be exposed to all sorts of African big cats so you'd think they would mention them and not a tiger. Like i said stupid but there you go.

Wasn't this to be the final Soul Shadow episode? A perfect story to finish the series.

And while we are talking Soul Shadows 2 I just want to say that out of all the ones I did  read, the most stand out ones for me was the episode by Mike Shelton about the Ferris wheel and Pia's one about a demonic cat.