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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Soulshadows II: Tanis Moderators: bert
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  Author    Soulshadows II: Tanis  (currently 7699 views)
Don
Posted: May 1st, 2010, 9:37am Report to Moderator
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Soulshadows II: Tanis by Robert G. Newcomer (bert) - Series, Supernatural, Thriller - Tanis finally reveals her own dark history of love, magic, and loss. 29 pages - pdf, format

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Don  -  May 1st, 2010, 10:01am
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screenrider
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Bert,

I freaking despise these demonically-influenced Soul Shadow scripts, but only because I'm a born-again Jesus freak and I know you're playing with fire.  If I was a non-believer I'd love 'em to death.  Literally.

I still read them because in each one I see glimpes of brilliance and truth.  You're descriptions are spot-on.  "The hut falls silent. Batu is finally calm. Even the flies are stilled.  Nice touch.  And the character names and use of words like stallictite are nothing short of genius.

Other than that, the story turns my stomach and sends a shiver down my spine.   What else was I expecting...a box of kittens? I guess not.

Well done on storytelling.  Good luck with it.


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bert
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Thank you, S.R., for going first.

Nothing short of genius...and I am going to hell.

I can live with that, I suppose -- I have certainly heard worse on my works in the past.

I take your comments in the spirit intended, S.R., and appreciate your taking the time to drop your thoughts.

In fact, I like your comments so much, I have decided to adopt them for a bit.

I had a great time getting Tanis out of her cave, and using her in a slightly different fashion.  I hope that those who decide to give it a look find something they like.

Thanks to Don and Cornetto for pulling everything together.


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: May 1st, 2010, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bert,

SPOILERS!

Cool. Very cool. I actually heard this story as I was reading it. I enjoyed this story very much so that I can't think of anything to critque. But I'm sure others will do. This is a great story. Reminds me alot of Clive Barker.

You know, something did come to mind. Can you explain a bit on how Sabu died? I'm bit confused on how that happened.


GABE


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Grandma Bear
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SPOILERS�for those of you who think there are none in a script review...

Bert,

a pleasure to be reading a story by you again as they are few and far between.

I bet you Jeff will go absolutely crazy over your writing "style".  I don't remember you writing in this style before other than Tanis of course. I'm not going to complain over everything, just say that I hope you go back to a more normal screenplay style. However, if this is how you want to write, then it's your right obviously. I did learn a new word too. Tome.  

Story wise, I really liked it. I liked the world you created and the characters. Tanis wants to learn magic from Sabra, Tanis thinks Juma and her belong together. Juma has his eyes on Afya. Tanis gets jealous when she sees Juma and Afya together. She attacks Afya via a Goshawk. Then Tanis casts a spell on Afya and she dies. To her horror she realizes that she accidentally killed Juma as well. She drags Juma's body to Sabra to have him revived. Sabra says no and Tanis accidentally kills Sabra as well. Tanis is so sorry. She opens that TOME to find the spell she needs, but that old book of secrets consumes her. Very good. I'm glad she didn't get away with her evilness. That would have been wrong. So, no complaints about the story at all.

I liked how it started and ended the same way.

My only question is why is Tanis the only one with an accent?

If you have any questions about any particular areas, just ask.

This seem like very short comment on a 30 page script, but I liked the story just the way it is. Should I have commented on the writing style, it would have been much longer.  

PS. I read it and listened to it separately. I think iScript did a good job on it.


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bert
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Can you explain a bit on how Sabu died? I'm bit confused on how that happened.


I do not have a character named Sabu, Gabe.  There is a Sabra, and a Juma -- and Sabu sounds like a mix of the two -- so not sure who you mean.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
I bet you Jeff will go absolutely crazy over your writing "style".  I don't remember you writing in this style before other than Tanis of course.


Yeah, the parts where I stray were intentional, of course.  I originally took on Tanis in the first place because I wanted to play with breaking some of the sacred "rules" -- so I decided to do that in her episode, too -- taking it to a slightly higher level.

Partly because I do think some of it actually "works", and some people are being too strict when they lay down the law -- but also to find out what is really taking things too far, and what seasoned readers absolutely cannot tolerate under any circumstances.

If people feel like pointing them out, it will not hurt my feelings.  I do think the story is structurally sound -- very glad to hear you agree, Pia -- so comments on unconventional stylistic choices are certainly welcome and appropriate.

I am curious to hear them, in fact.  


Quoted from Grandma Bear
why is Tanis the only one with an accent?


Do you remember Jammin' girl?  She took me to task on the way Tanis speaks -- stating that Africaners actually speak very good English -- probably better than us.

Having everybody speak with that weird way Tanis speaks would probably make for a very daunting read, so I elected not to do that. [Edit:  And, as an afterthought, I actually had Afya make fun of the way Tanis speaks at one point.]


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

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Mr.Ripley
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Sorry about that Bert. I meant Sabra. lol. My bad. I understand the reason why she dies but I'm confused on how she dies.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Scar Tissue Films
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I enjoyed this a lot...it had a lovely energy and great pacing. Lovely visuals, great storytelling.

I didn't have a problem with the new style of writing...and there are few screenwriters that write as well as this.

There were a couple of lines I didn't like...nothing major, just thought I'd mention them.

"The stuff of nightmares"...felt too cliche as it's such a common phrase. It stood out to me somehow.

Dialogue:

I didn't like when Tanis said "dark fool". Felt a bit weak somehow.

I also felt Bimkubwa's line:  

The secrets of life and death!
I have written them all! Such
secrets!


Lacked the right amount of punch.

I think it would be better without the "of life and death".

"The secrets...I have written them all! Such secrets!"

I think with the context we understand what type of secrets she's uncovered..taking out the explanation makes it both more myseterious and more sinister.

On page 12 I felt that the scene with Tanis and Juma could be more subtle...have more subtext. Maybe make it clear he is repulsed by the scarring, but not have him say it. It seemed odd for a hunter to say such a thing to a young girl. I think you could strenghten that part with a bit more finesse. It might not even be necessary for him to be repulsed...if he is nice to her it would strenghten sympathy for him at the end and also give more reason for Tanis to be in love with him, plus make her transgression all the worse. He can be nice to Tanis but still be more attracted to Afwa (Sp?)

Loved the hawk part. I think you wrote that part really well. Felt very enriching....

...got even better as well. Lovely set up for the attack.

Ah..can see where the life and death thing comes in now...scrub my earlier comment....although my gut feeling is that there is some slightly better way of saying this, something with more gravitas.

Query: Would be better to have her kill using some form of nature/animal than inanimate object?  Something more in keeping with her shamanistic persona? The deaths are visually interesting and horrific, so I think you can safely discount this...just thought I'd mention it....maybe grass/vines/snakes?

Anyway, I thought this was excellent overall. Sorry for the slightly rambling review, I was making notes as I went.

Yeah, really very impressive work.

Rick

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James McClung
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This was excellent! As much as I was anticipating this, I was a little worried. Since Tanis has been our guide throughout the series, she is, of course, familiar to us. I thought you might opt to make Tanis a more sinister character here, in which case our familiarity would've gotten in the way. Thankfully, you opted for another route. One in which even Tanis doesn't have a grip on everything and the one who does (Bimkubwa) is appropriately enigmatic, as scary as she is.

But yeah. I really enjoyed this. One of the few scripts I read before listening to. The iScript reader doesn't do a bad job with Tanis but I figured it'd be difficult to handle this kinda intimacy with the character without sounding comical. Anyway, I think you've written something really classic here. Unrequited love and forbidden knowledge make for great tragedy which is how I saw this. A tragedy within a supernatural context. The horror elements were sparse but appropriately used and placed. You've got a knack for detail as well and your more cinematic approach made this feel more like a short story than a script, which I loved. There were a few moments where I saw what was coming but was able to enjoy the ride for the most part.

A few things toward the end struck me as odd. What exactly caused Tanis's spell to backfire? Of course, it had to. I wouldn't have had it any other way. But the question remains. It seems to be a lack of understanding on Tanis's part but I'm not positive. What'd she do with Juma's face? Peel it off? I wasn't sure about this description. What causes Sabra's death? Tanis stealing the book? That's what I gathered.

Also, not that it matters, really, but you switch between WOODS and JUNGLE once or twice. It's the jungle, I gather.

The bookends were also excellent. The fact that it wasn't in the alcove made it extra special and Tanis's change in demeanor was refreshing and appropriate. I felt like I was in for something good. The only line I didn't like was Tanis saying she wasn't sure when she'd see us again. I gather this is supposed to mirror your own uncertainty as to whether or not you'll continue with the series? I don't think it was necessary and frankly, I don't think the series should continue. Of course, I'd continue to read and comment but to me, this feels like the end. The right end.

I hope you don't mind me saying so but I wouldn't be against you holding off on writing anything else for another year or so, haha! In all seriousness, the rarity of your contributions makes them extra special to me and it seems like you put more into them as a result of the time gaps. But, of course, if you were to write something else in the next month or so, I'd read it in a heart beat. So keep up the good work, in whatever fashion you see fit!


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Grandma Bear
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James, you always were a great reviewer!

Bert, I will get to specifics tomorrow.  


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grademan
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Bert,

Well done. Very visual story telling. The sytle fit the story. The only thing that hurt my eyes was the underlining. I know you have a zero error policy as exemplified by your technical prowess. One thing I've noticed about great writers such as yourself is that the action/description is in sync with the dialogue. Harmony.

I thought we would see a story of Tanis as she appears in the SoulShadow series but YOU took us to her early years. And still managed to keep the traditional intro/outro part for Tanis. I liked that a lot.

Maybe one day she'll reappear.

Gary
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Brian M
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This is only the second Soulshadows script I've read, but I'm guessing Tanis appears at the beginning and end of every script in the series like she does in Jeff's "Key to my Heart"? And this is her past? Cool.  

Anyway, I thought this was brilliant. It took me a couple of pages to get used to the writing style but I agree with a previous poster that many write this way also. It worked great here. Your descriptions were also great, always finding the right word or phrase for every description.

I liked many of the visuals, like the Cobra rising from someone's head was a standout for me. I watched Pirates of the Caribbean last week, so the creepy magic lady was in my mind for every line of Tanis' dialogue. Good ending. I'm glad she never got away with what she done.

Great work!

Brian
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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from bert

Yeah, the parts where I stray were intentional, of course.  I originally took on Tanis in the first place because I wanted to play with breaking some of the sacred "rules" -- so I decided to do that in her episode, too -- taking it to a slightly higher level.

Partly because I do think some of it actually "works", and some people are being too strict when they lay down the law -- but also to find out what is really taking things too far, and what seasoned readers absolutely cannot tolerate under any circumstances.

If people feel like pointing them out, it will not hurt my feelings.  I do think the story is structurally sound -- very glad to hear you agree, Pia -- so comments on unconventional stylistic choices are certainly welcome and appropriate.

I am curious to hear them, in fact.


Here are some examples that annoyed me while reading, but I'm nobody so take it with a few grains of sea salt.  

"SUPER: TANIS

OVER BLACK SCREAMS. Horrible screams. And they continue as we...

INT. A HUT - DAY"

I found these occasional bolded things distracting. Some people do all their slugs that way. Even underline them and that's fine. You only do them occasionally...

"Tanis grips the snake by its slit neck -- and with an angry ROAR of her own --
-- she rips the head from the snake with her bare hands!"

Why underline this?  You also do this -- a lot --. Probably not wrong, but it got annoying as well after a while.

"And Juma the hunter -- his finely honed instincts warn him of danger -- trapped between these two jungle cats."

This is too much, but as you might remember, I hated "Killing On Carnival Row" and you thought it was great so, maybe just a personal thing, but for me it belongs in a book. Not in a screenplay.

Like I said earlier though, the story itself was top notch.


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bert
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Thanks, all.  A few responses.


Quoted from Mr.Ripley
I meant Sabra...I'm confused on how she dies.



Quoted from James McClung
What'd she do with Juma's face? Peel it off? I wasn't sure about this description. What causes Sabra's death?


First off, I see the end is not as clear as it might be -- though it is meant to be quite straightforward.


Quoted from Spoiler Space
Recall that during the exorcism, Sabra had a staff that she pounded on the ground, releasing a long blade contained within the staff.  When Tanis pushes Sabra, she tumbles backward onto this same staff.  The staff releases the blade, and Sabra is skewered.

As for the book, Tanis never casts a spell from this book.  She opens the book, and it releases its secrets.  Tanis becomes their keeper.  Sabra and Juma appear only as ghosts beside Tanis -- ghosts that she can now see.




And some more stuff, specific to Rick here:


Quoted from Rick
I also felt Bimkubwa’s line…lacked the right amount of punch.


I agree, and thought the same thing at the time -- though you see how those lines come back into play later.  You confirm many of my own suspicions with your early comments.


Quoted from Rick
...the scene with Tanis and Juma could be more subtle...have more subtext.


More subtle?  I only gave him 12 words of dialogue haha.

What is (supposed to be) going on here is that Juma is cold and distant -- and Tanis is blind to that.  And then Tanis' scars are juxtaposed with Afya's flawless beauty.

I was not interested in building sympathy for Juma here -- but for Tanis -- even if it was only a sort of pity at her naiveté .


Quoted from Rick
Would be better to have her kill using some form of nature/animal than inanimate object?


I see what you are saying here.  But have you ever had a scene -- and I am sure you must have -- something you have been carrying around for years, just waiting for a chance to use it somewhere?

The sheet magic is one of those.  I have been carrying it around for a very long time, and was thrilled to at last get it out on the page.

Thanks for your thoughts, Rick -- not nearly so rambling as you might have thought -- and certainly appreciated.



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bert
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James, you are almost too kind.  Almost.


Quoted from James McClung
Thankfully, you opted for another route. One in which even Tanis doesn't have a grip on everything...


Like I mentioned elsewhere, part of the challenge here was not to undermine everything that had gone before with Tanis -- not to make her hateful.  So yes, making her kind of helpless in the face of powers beyond her control -- but not completely innocent, either -- seemed like the best approach.


Quoted from James McClung
The iScript reader doesn't do a bad job with Tanis but I figured it'd be difficult to handle this kinda intimacy with the character without sounding comical.


I have been impressed with their work over the course of this series as well, and knew this particular episode would be a challenge, which they rose to pretty well.

I suppose my only real issue is the closing passage, where they did not quite capture the bitterness I had hoped to inject into those final lines.

But that is my fault, really.  I have always felt that if that iScript reader does not pick up on my intent, then that is a failure on my end, not theirs.


Quoted from James McClung
The only line I didn't like was Tanis saying she wasn't sure when she'd see us again. I don't think it was necessary...


I debated including that for a while.  Just hedging my bets.  That is something I have yet to discuss with Cornetto, and probably won't for at least a little while.


Quoted from James McClung
I wouldn't be against you holding off on writing anything else for another year or so...


Ha!  I have less control over that stuff than you might think.  But yeah, it only gets harder and harder to find the time, and I do obsess over things for quite a while before putting them out there.

Thanks, James.  Great thoughts from you that I enjoy reading, as usual.


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bert
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And the rest:


Quoted from grademan
The only thing that hurt my eyes was the underlining.


Noted, thanks.


Quoted from grademan
I thought we would see a story of Tanis as she appears in the SoulShadow series but you took us to her early years.


It occurs to me now, Gary, that you might have never read the "pilot" episode.

Tanis has always been a young teen, right from the start -- 13 at the beginning, but I eventually bumped her up a few years to 15 in my head.  I wonder how much effect that might have on your perception of that character.  Hm.


Quoted from Brian
I'm guessing Tanis appears at the beginning and end of every script in the series...


Yeah, that is how it works.


Quoted from Brian
It took me a couple of pages to get used to the writing style


Noted, thanks.


Quoted from Brian
...so the creepy magic lady was in my mind for every line of Tanis' dialogue.


I know exactly who you mean, and she did inspire Tanis to some degree.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
I found these occasional bolded things distracting. Some people do all their slugs that way. You only do them occasionally...


What I did was bold each new scene, but not within the scene itself.  Bolding means we are now going someplace else.  I read a script with this and found it helpful, but maybe I am not doing it right.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Why underline this?  It got annoying as well after a while.


I think I did six or so, for pivotal "shock" scenes.  I think we saw a similar technique in the script for "Countdown"?

But yeah -- I can take or leave that technique.  If it bugs Pia -- perhaps my most sympathetic audience to be found anywhere -- then it probably bugs everyone haha.


Quoted from a line Pia does not like
"And Juma the hunter -- his finely honed instincts warn him of danger -- trapped between these two jungle cats"


You do not think a guy would know how to play this line, with a girl on either side of him?  Haha.  I sure do.  Maybe it is a gender thing -- and like you say, a personal preference, too.

Thanks, you guys.  I appreciate all of your thoughts -- it is very gratifying to read that something does not suck after several years of not posting much work on these boards at all.


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Bert,

So here we have it. The long awaited Tanis episode. For the most, I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. You're descriptions are short and concise, yet extremely vivid. You paint a picture in few words.

I also admire the way you transition from one scene to the next. The scenes glide into one another. AS a film should.

Very creative piece also. Some gut-wrenching moments as expected.

I know it's been brought up, but would've liked to know more about where her accent came from. Haitian voodo goddess, Creole... I hate to admit this, I'm sure to your dismay, But everytime I read Tanis i pictured Tia (Black witch from Pirates of the Carribean). I couldn't discern the two apart.

If I had any qualms of it, it would be the love between Juma and her. Never felt it, so it was difficult to understand her rage.

The twists of him being murdered by accident was nice, as was her being swallowed by the book... assuming for eternity, whereas every now and again we can open it, and she can tell us another story of death.

Good work, you are definitely one of the most talented writers on this board.

Now, let's wait for Jeff's four page review...

James

P.S.   love the new sig.



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Grandma Bear
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I didn't say I didn't like it. I thought it belonged in a book. Not a screenplay.

Btw, I just sat down by the pool ready to read the SC script. The first thing I notice is the script is full of. -- !!!!  


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So… you don’t write anything in, like, forever, and you still write this good? I hate you.

This was a superb supernatural tragedy. Things that I liked:

-- Strong main character. Active. Interesting. Flawed. I really felt sorry for her.
-- Style. The setting. The black magic. Almost every single shot oozes coolness.
-- The writing. Vivid descriptions to carry the strong visuals. Expert attention to detail. You had to bend a few rules, but I think you did it for the right reason: This ain’t no “script” folks. This is a movie experience.

IMHO, there’s room for improvement in the conflict’s resolution.

The ending was good and I think it would be suitable for a good script. But this isn’t a good script. This is a great script. So, a “just good” ending doesn’t fit very well among the rest of the greatness. The ending has to be great too.

If I understood this correctly, what happens to Tanis is the equivalent of wanting the magic lamp in order to make the wishes but become the genie trapped inside instead. This is a great finish line to write towards too.

It does feel surprising but (maybe it’s just me) it doesn’t seem inevitable. Great endings elicit two strong reactions in the audience: 1) “Wow” 2) “I should have seen that coming”.

You got number 1 nailed down, but number 2… not so much. Easier said than done but… Is there a way to foreshadow this resolution without giving it away? Like introducing a previous keeper of the book that mysteriously disappeared? Someone who’s freed once Tanis takes his/her place?

One last note on the writing style. Like I said, I think it was top notch. I picked early on the pattern behind the use of bold sluglines. Personally, I like to use quick establishing shots to hint that I’m taking the action to somewhere else, but your choice here didn’t bother me at all.

All in all, a pleasure to read. Honestly. Thanks for sharing. What’s next on the pipeline? Starbuck Star? Lesbian Western?  


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Thank you for having a look, James (the other James...).

As mentioned elsewhere, the "Pirates" witch was, admittedly, something of an influence.  And while I sometimes do a little research, Tanis' accent is just made up, and is not meant to be authentic to any particular region.


Quoted from the other James
If I had any qualms of it, it would be the love between Juma and her. Never felt it...


Well, that is supposed to be because it isn't really there, so I guess I succeeded in a back-hand sort of way.

I tried to make Juma cold and distant -- with Tanis devoted but blind to his lack of real affection -- which was supposed to make Tanis a bit more sympathetic and, ultimately, tragic.

Perhaps a few more pages to explore that relationship might have helped.


Quoted from the other James
Now, let's wait for Jeff's four page review...


Haha...I am not really expecting that much, but yeah -- some of the things I did with this were designed expressly to torment Jeff and his ilk.  But it's all in good fun.


And Z --


Quoted from Z
I hate you.


Well, I think my brief tenure at MP established that the feeling is mutual.


Quoted from Z
This ain't no "script" folks. This is a movie experience.


Now that is really nice.  Thanks.  I usually do not box up the "good" stuff in quotes, but I do particularly like that one.


Quoted from Z
Is there a way to foreshadow this resolution without giving it away? Like introducing a previous keeper of the book that mysteriously disappeared?


That's not bad.  I will have to think on that -- and perhaps this can be accomplished through handling Bimkubwa's demise in a slightly different fashion. Yes, that is something to ponder.


Quoted from Z
I picked early on the pattern behind the use of bold sluglines.


You know, I forget the script where I saw this -- but I really do like it.  It is not mandatory, but I do think it helps in its own way.  I am not really sure yet if I will keep that or not.


Quoted from Z
What's next on the pipeline? Starbuck Starr? Lesbian Western?


This may be his year.....and he might just encounter a few lesbians yet.  We'll see.

Thank you, Z, as always, for some great thoughts.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: May 3rd, 2010, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
I see what you are saying here.  But have you ever had a scene -- and I am sure you must have -- something you have been carrying around for years, just waiting for a chance to use it somewhere?

The sheet magic is one of those.  I have been carrying it around for a very long time, and was thrilled to at last get it out on the page.

Thanks for your thoughts, Rick -- not nearly so rambling as you might have thought -- and certainly appreciated.



If you like haunted sheets you should check out the M R James story  Oh, Whistle and I’ll Come to you, My Lad...really creepy.

http://www.horrormasters.com/Text/a0163.pdf

Well worth a read if you like a bit of Gothic horror.
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 3rd, 2010, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bert, I was away all weekend, so didn’t know this was here.  Got home last night and saw the thread and looked very forward to reading this morning.  I honestly hate to say that I didn’t like it…at all.  Also, disliked the actual writing style you implemented here.  I read all the comments just now and see that my feelings are (once again) on an island, all by myself.  What can I say?  I guess you shouldn’t take much stock in my thoughts and opinions, as everyone else literally seems to be in love with this piece.

I took page by page notes as I read.  They will provide details as to what I had problems with technically, so I won’t even bring anything up here.  I will give you my thoughts on the story, though, and why it didn’t do anything for me.

As I’ve said numerous times, I’ve really been looking forward to this.  Maybe that’s part of the problem…I had it up on a pedestal before I even saw it…I had such high hopes…I assumed it would be great.  I was very let down, actually, and other than a few great visuals, IMO, the story was heavily clichéd, and actually quite dull.  It came across as very slow and uneventful, and I feel like you could easily have gotten the same story across in 10 less pages.

I’m assuming this is a Flashback…as in it occurred before Tannis took root in her alcove.  But, if she’s 15 in this script, that doesn’t make sense to me, as I thought she was 13 or so in the first episode.  Am I missing something here?

The premise/plot is one that I’ve seen countless times, actually. Guess you could call it a “classic” plotline if you’re being generous, but I’ve got to call it cliché…sorry.  Even the “sheet death” has been done many times in movies, and a classic example is the original Nightmare on Elm Street (although the actual cause of death is different, obviously).

The setting didn’t work for me at all, for some reason.  It didn’t feel real.  It felt generic, and because of that, I couldn’t really get much of a visual.  I actually was seeing Pandora for some crazy reason!

One thing I definitely did appreciate was your use of transitions into new scenes.  BUT, although I thought most of them worked quite well, I really don’t think they should be so prevalent in a spec script…especially a short like this.  They are very creative and well thought out though.

So, Bert, I want you to know that I really wanted to like this…actually, I wanted to love it, and I was quite sure I would.  Writing this negative review is difficult for me today.  Maybe because everyone else is in love with this, it’s even more difficult, as I know people will think I’m a complete A-Hole, and have no clue what I’m talking about.  I think you know me well enough that you know I’m going to stick up for what I believe and I don’t care if my feelings are in line with the masses.

Take what you can from this and consider the source for all the rest.  Sorry to be negative, Bert.  I really am.

Page by page notes

Page 1 – Hmmm, no opening Slug whatsoever…odd…very odd.

“Having finally reached Tanis, she now raises her eyes to meet ours. – Very awkwardly phrased.

“This could be the alcove. This could be anywhere. It doesn’t really matter.” – I find these lines odd…especially how you decided to skip a space before the last one.  Maybe within Soul Shadows, this is OK, but outside it?  I don’t think so.

Page 2 – I have this sneaky suspicion I’m going to have some issues with the style of writing…Oh Boy!

“SCREAMS. Horrible screams. The stuff of nightmares. And they continue as we...” – Can’t say I like the choice of words here…sounds almost cheesy, sorry to say.  Also, I really dislike the use of “DISSOLVE TO:” following this.  I don’t see how this helps the read (or a possible shoot) at all.  Complete waste of 2 lines, IMO.

I’m glad we’ve got our first Slug finally, but why is it BOLDED?

“The sweaty bodies of NATIVES stuff the small interior of this hut nearly to bursting.” – Really awkwardly phrased, IMO.  I actually had to read this line 3 times to make sure I wasn’t missing something.

“And you wonder if he will ever stop screami...” – Oh Bert…no Bert…no…

Page 3 – You’re probably not at all surprised, but I HATE the constant use of “- -“, as well as unnecessary exclamation points in action lines.

“She intends to decapitate the beast!” – Uhhhh…what?  Huh?  You’re also probably not surprised to hear that I loathe asides, and I’ve got to hand it to you here, Bert…this has got to be ONE OF THE WORST ASIDES I’ve ever seen.

Page 4 – “begins to” – Argh…another pet peeve o’mine.

Tanis is 15?  I thought she was 14 or 15 now…I assumed this script took place years ago.  Maybe I’m wrong…hmmm…I’m confused.

“…and the snake begins to flail.” – Bert, I’m sorry, but this stuff just irks me.  You’ve got a useless “and” in here as well as another “begins to”.  Not my sort of writing style for sure.

“Its struggle is epic.  It ROARS!” – Again, I see this as coming off very cheesy…as in you are trying to make it something it’s not.  Although these 2 lines are short and sweet, it comes off (to me) as being overwritten, because you’re trying to make it more than it actually is, based on the choice of descriptive words and overuse of exclamation points.

“…determined to finish what Sabra Started.” – Another aside…another completely useless aside.

Page 5 – “Even the flies are stilled.” – Although I definitely like this line, I’m a bit confused what it actually is supposed to mean.  All of a sudden, the flies stop flying around?  They hover in place?  What?  I have a feeling it’s another nice literary line that won’t transition to screen very well if at all.

“limp”, “headless”, “dusty” , “heavy” – 4 adjectives in this 1 sentence – too many, IMO!

Page 6 – “She had noticed this, too.” – Another aside!  ARGH!!!!

“10” – why is this not spelled out?

“lays” – should be “lies”

Page 7 – “Tanis scowls like a petulant child, caught with her hand in the cookie jar.” – ARGH!!!!!

Page 8 – “…it is a tale she is loathe to tell.” – Damn, Bert, what’s up with the “ATTACK OF THE ASIDES”?  I’m sorry but these things just really piss me off and completely take me out of the read.

Page 10 – These Flashback Slugs are totally bizarre, and not in a good way, I’m sorry to say.  How is a scene heading “YOUNG SABRA…”?  Makes zero sense to me and looks awful.

Page 11 – Wouldn’t “blessing” be “blessin’” out of Tannis’ mouth?

General statement – I’ve noticed that you are sometimes bolding your Slugs, and others, not. Looks very odd to me.  Distracting, actually.

Page 13 – Afya’s dialogue does not sound real at all.  Seems like she stepped out of a regular old city into this jungle setting.   Also, I thought they were African…or actually in Africa?  Where is the comment coming from about “hungry tigers”?

“And Juma the hunter -- his finely honed instincts warn him of danger -- trapped between these two jungle cats.” – IMO, this is VERY awkward.  I also don’t like the choice of words again.  Just way over the top.  And finally, you’ve got an extra space between “of” and “danger”.

Page 16 – What’s with the crazy writing on this page?  The use of mini Slugs is a complete waste, IMO.  Just making it read strangely and taking up a bunch of extra spaces.

Page 17 – “But what is this?” – Good question, WTF is this?

“of hair” – not necessary, as we already “know” what the clump is.

Page 18 – “…fighting back tears that Sabra cannot understand.” – Another useless aside, IMO.

Page 20 – “Afya steps into view through her lit window -- but seen from a distance, as if someone were spying on her unawares.” – Again, IMO, this is extremely awkwardly phrased, to the point of being hard to read.

Page 21 – “moments”?  I’d say “seconds” would be much better here.

Page 23 – Now we’re underlining also?  Bert!  What’s going on?

“…like a python swallowing a wild boar.” – Oh boy, this is going WAY TOO FAR now, Bert.  C’mon.

“She needs to scream. She needs to breathe!  But she can do neither.
The sheet magic is a horrible death…” – I really dislike the writing here, especially the final line.  Totally ruins the visuals you had going here.

Page 24 – “…once killer blanket” – sounds like a comedy now.  BTW, you’ve gone back and forth with this thing being a sheet, a blanket, a bedsheet…what is it?  IMO, these words are not synonymous.

Page 27 – “She cannot help Tannis now.” – A complete waste of space.
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Mr.Z
Posted: May 3rd, 2010, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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So, you liked it or not? Don't be shy, man. Bert ain't gonna eat you.  


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 3rd, 2010, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't like it, sorry to say.

Usually not very shy.

If Bert was going to eat me, he better be REALLY hungry....there's alot of me to eat!
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bert
Posted: May 3rd, 2010, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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No...I won't be eating anyone today haha.

I could almost see the veins on your forehead throbbing, Jeff.  We certainly do have some divergent opinions.

There are a few things that require a thoughtful response -- but they gotta' be worded just right -- lest they come off as defensive.  Which they won't be.

I do not have the time to compose something like that right now -- but I did want to acknowledge the look, and give you a quick thanks for your notes -- lest you think I was ignoring them.  Which I'm not.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 3rd, 2010, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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HaHa, Bert!  Yes, you are right...the veins in my forehead are throbbing...actually quite a bit more now, because I'm reading "Cabin in the Woods".

Not only am I on a roll today, my head is rolling, my eyes are rolling, and I feel like I'm spinning into a Black Hole!

Don't worry about being or sounding defensive...nothing wrong with that at all, IMO.
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stevie
Posted: May 3rd, 2010, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hi bert, have just read 'Tanis'. I'd read Jeff's review before that so was intrigued to see how it panned out. Just saw his review on the Whedon script - you have to love him!

No, i thought this was pretty good. you evoke the vision of the black, spiritey world of voodoo and tribal customs. It reminded me a lot of some of the older Wilbur Smith books - A Falcon Flies, Men of Men, etc. They had this witch character who was pretty full on. She was always nude too, which is good value!!

Actually some parts of the script are almost soft porn, with Juma emerging from the river nude, under the gaze of the two chicks. This would come over good as a short film (or maybe with Moviestorm?)

I didn't really have a prob with any of the formatting or other stuff that Jeff brought up.
The only thing I could say was that it was a tad long - you could possibly cut 5 pages off, maybe a couple more.
Anyway, it was well written as part of the Soulshadows concept.

Cheers stevie



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bert
Posted: May 3rd, 2010, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Alright, Jeff.

I am sure your comments were difficult to compose.  The response, similarly difficult.

While it would be disingenuous of me to pretend that I liked them, I do respect the fearlessness of your commentary.  We all get slammed from time to time -- it is just part of playing on these boards -- and only a fool never expects it.

And I suppose every board needs a few gadflies who will fearlessly stand in their own corner -- espousing their brash opinions that often defy the majority -- while brazenly waving their broomsticks at those who would be so bold as to disagree.

You do not like the story.  I cannot change that, nor can I disagree with it, so we set that issue to the side.

But I will say this -- I think that sometimes you take a narrow view, Jeff, and adhere quite stringently to conventions that, in some cases, have long ago expired.  As someone offering a bit of feedback to you now, I would submit that your (sometimes) stalwart refusal to accept the fluidity of the screenwriting medium shackles you to a certain extent.  I suspect you might even agree with this a tiny, little bit in your darkest heart of hearts.

I write scripts as I like to read them.  And there is some freedom there.  When I find formatting that takes certain risks -- not stupid mistakes, but knowing tweaks at convention -- it makes me like the author better.

I know that this is purely a personal preference, but I also think there are many that feel the same.  Particularly amongst those that read a great many scripts.

I will readily admit, however, that I went overboard here.  On purpose, but yes, too far.  And I accept nearly everything you put forth at face value.

By the strictest, most rigid of interpretations, you are absolutely correct.

So I will take issue with very few.  By addressing only a couple of things -- the ones I feel most strongly about -- perhaps you might reconsider those few:  


Quoted from JC Cleveland
These Flashback Slugs are totally bizarre, and not in a good way...


I disagree.  They are of my own design, and I contend they clearly set the scene and establish a flashback in the most succinct manner possible.


Quoted from JC Cleveland
What's with the crazy writing on this page?  The use of mini Slugs is a complete waste, IMO.  Just making it read strangely and taking up a bunch of extra spaces.


I assume you mean the quick series of shots -- the bird, to Tanis, to the sky.  Again, I disagree.  Three separate shots in six lines is wasted space?  This was Rick's favorite part, Jeff, and I trust his judgment.  You should, too.  That scene is pretty tight.


Quoted from JC Cleveland
"...fighting back tears that Sabra cannot understand."  Another useless aside, IMO.


It is stage directions, Jeff.  Would this have been better written as, "Tanis fights back tears.  Sabra looks confused."  I think not.  Stage directions need not be so robotic.  You pick on me for this a few times, but this is the one I chose to defend, as I think it is the most clearly defensible.

So there is my rebuttal.  More than I intended, but whatever.  In a small number of instances, I think you are wrong.

We clearly have different tastes, and that is not a problem.  I know you spend a great deal of time thinking and composing before you post a review, so I do not take that lightly, and am pleased you dropped one here.  A good deal of your comments I do consider useful.  So you do get a grudging thanks haha.

But the next thing you post?  Let's just say it had better be f*cking flawless, OK?  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

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bert
Posted: May 3rd, 2010, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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Whew...so, with Jeff out of the way...


Quoted from stevie
Hi bert, have just read 'Tanis'. I'd read Jeff's review before that so was intrigued to see how it panned out.


Ack.  Good thing you started there...


Quoted from stevie
Actually some parts of the script are almost soft porn...


Ha...I don't know if I would go that far, but it did strike me in the latter phases of scripting this how often people were getting naked.  I did not really set out to do that, but it is the jungle and all, I suppose.

An example of characters kind of leading you where you did not really intend to go, you know?  Kind of surprised nobody has mentioned it before now.


Quoted from stevie
I didn't really have a prob with any of the formatting or other stuff that Jeff brought up.


That's OK.  I think he just about covered it.

Thank you, Stevie, for checking it out and taking the time to share some thoughts.

And Rick, I will check out the link when I can, for sure.  Thanks.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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jwent6688
Posted: May 3rd, 2010, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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There's an ass whoopin' goin' on around here.... But who's???

Lemme pop some popcorn....

I'll just sit back and watch.


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Grandma Bear
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Bert writing soft porn???...maybe I need to reread this. I think I missed that part.


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ghost and_ghostie gal
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Bert...

The long anticipated premiere.   This was a breeze to get through.  You're a vet and so I don't have too much to offer here...

I only have a few comments... It was nice to have one centered around Tanis.  Lots of things going on and to my own surprise, I never got lost.  I thought this was well done for what it's worth.  

I couldn't find anything to disliked about this episode.  Yes, this maybe a bit different from your other work, but...

Writers shouldn't be afraid to add sizzle and style to their writing with an occasional short expletive when appropriate.  Makes the script fun to read and this one was.

Definitely, one of the better ones.  

If this is the end of the series, this was a good choice.  Though, I can't help but wonder... seems like the door was left open for another season.  IMO.

Anyway,  great job!

Ghostwriter



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stebrown
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Hi Bert, great to read a new script from you. I've been looking forward to this one since you announced you were going to write it and it didn't dissapoint. Really enjoyed it - I listened to the IScript while reading it.

Like with 'The Farm', the transitions are fantastic in this script. I've flicked back through the script because I wasn't sure why some of the scene headers are bold and some aren't - the bold ones are for these dissolving transitions, yeah? Not sure if they're needed but I didn't have a problem with them. The underlining I could have done without but again no biggy - the underlined parts are the deaths?

One thing I wasn't too sure about is when Tanis says that "Juma belong to Tanis...Juma
be promised!". There's no real sign that Juma has promised to be with Tanis, so I'm not sure if that is all in her head or not?

The ending was very fitting to the series and it's great to know the backstory to Tanis. I forget if there's any mention of this book in any of Tanis' segments in previous episodes?

Top stuff though, sir.

Ste


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bert
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Hey GW.  Thanks for ghosting over the script.


Writers shouldn't be afraid to add sizzle and style to their writing with an occasional short expletive when appropriate.  Makes the script fun to read...


I do agree with this, but I also think a few of my experiments may have fizzled.  More on that below, with Ste.


Though, I can't help but wonder... seems like the door was left open for another season.


I honestly have no idea at this point.  Perhaps when Cornetto wraps up "The Dark", he will find himself itching for another project.  Perhaps a letter-writing campaign to our producer would help..


And Ste, thank you, sir.  As mentioned elsewhere, this episode was also for a bit of play -- to experiment with a few formatting tweaks and gauge the reader response.


Quoted from Ste
I wasn't sure why some of the scene headers are bold and some aren't...


Bolding here signals a new scene -- that we are moving to a different place and time.  It is certainly not mandatory, but I did like it when I read it elsewhere.  It seems to only confuse most readers, I'm afraid.


Quoted from Ste
The underlining I could have done without but again no biggy -- the underlined parts are the deaths?


Those are supposed to be the "shock" scenes.  If you were watching a film, it is at this point the high-pitched violins would start screeching at you -- the musical "stingers".

But for those keeping score, this technique has proven wildly unpopular.  I think I shall abandon this one.


Quoted from Ste
There's no real sign that Juma has promised to be with Tanis...


A cut scene.  I was running really long.  I had hoped that line would be enough to establish an pre-existing commitment there.

And the book was never mentioned, Ste.  It was her "item" for this go-round, and the source of all her stories.

Thank you again, guys.  Your time and thoughts are appreciated.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Mr.Z
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Quoted from bert
But for those keeping score, this technique has proven wildly unpopular.  I think I shall abandon this one.


That's damn good writing (as long as the technique is not overused). Don't let anyone talk you out of it.

Underlining a sentence (or writing it in all CAPS like I've seen in some good horror scripts) is a perfect way to represent those "loud" moments on the page.

IMHO.



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Quoted from Mr.Z

Underlining a sentence (or writing it in all CAPS like I've seen in some good horror scripts) is a perfect way to represent those "loud" moments on the page.

IMHO.

Take you Hack Humble Opinion somewhere else!  








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Mr.Z
Posted: May 4th, 2010, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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I'd rather express my opinion where it's not wanted.  


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 4th, 2010, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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Bert (and everyone else) I want you to know that in no way was I trying to trash you or your script.  In fact, I didn’t really dislike it…more that it didn’t live up to my expectations at all, and I was let down.  I know you’re a great writer and that goes without question.

Not to argue anything here, but I do want you to know that I don’t just bring up random things for the Hell of it.  I read scripts and things jump out at me that are either incorrect, not right, or could be done better, IMO.   I do this to help, not to put down.  Many things are obviously debatable and/or matters of opinion or preference.

I realize that many, many writers, both amateur and pro, use asides and unfilmables.  I am personally very against it, because when you get right down to it, they are both “unfair” and a waste of space, in terms of both a spec script and a filmed version.  For instance…saying something about a character being a boyfriend of another character…does this help the reader understand the situation and the characters?  Yes it does.  BUT, what does it do for the actual filmed version?  Nothing, as it doesn’t transfer to film, unless the character is wearing a tag that says he’s so and so’s boyfriend.   I know you understand this completely, as it’s really Screenwriting 101, but it’s shocking how often it’s included, and it irks me to no end.

In terms of my rigidness toward certain conventions, I don’t know really.  I believe in what I believe in for certain reasons…mostly because they make sense to me.  I could write differently, obviously, but I choose not to.   Anyone can write however they want, but for me, it brings me out of the read, and I believe others feel the same…that’s always the obstacle we face when we buck the system…a system I enjoy bucking most of the time, only I do it in different ways, that many others have issues with as well.  So…I guess it comes back to being personal preference once again.

I also write scripts the way I like to read them, and I critique them based on that as well.  It’s always a fine line, and if something isn’t overdone or overused again and again, I have no problem with it.  A lot of it for me has to do with how things start off.  If it’s clean and an easy read, I tend to be much more lenient.  If it starts out with issues (in my mind), I find myself seeing them much more, and seeing them as a negative.  That’s why I always stress making sure you’re starting out appropriately and not making mistakes on the first page.

As to using your own design for things, I can’t just buy in and agree. Things are the way they are for a reason, and format issues (Flashbacks, for instance) shouldn’t be messed with just for the sake of messing with them, IMO.  If you’re simply experimenting or playing around, no big deal, but these sort of things jump out at me as being non standard, and non standard writing takes me out of the read.

The mini Slug things are fine as is, Bert.  They just came across as odd when I first read them.  Personal preference for me is to stay clear of Mini Slugs whenever possible.  I know many like using them, and I agree I should not have probably brought them up here.  Sorry.

Again, sorry to be harsh in what I said or how I said it.

What do you mean “the next thing I post better be flawless”?  Everything I post is flawless, isn’t it?  HaHa…I wish.  Funny.

Take care, Bert.  Hope this all makes sense and everything is cool with us.
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mcornetto
Posted: May 5th, 2010, 3:39am Report to Moderator
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I think you did a great job with what could have been an impossible script.  I remember when we first talked about it and I wasn't sure that you were ever going to actually write it.  I'm pleased you did and it's a fantastic addition to the Soulshadows series.  

What can you improve?  Well, I think you needed a little more space for this epic.  A few more pages so you could expand on some things, especially more of the mythos surrounding the book because this is the part that was least explained.

But you did well, you produced a supernatural thriller in your own style and when it comes down it, that's what the goal is.  So, SCORE!

As far as another season goes...I don't think I'm going to be producing it.  But if someone wants to step in and pick up the reins of an established project then I won't stand in their way.

Cheers all and thanks for doing all those Tanises bert.    
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sniper
Posted: May 9th, 2010, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bert,

It's been a while since you've dropped something new on us so I was obviously looking forward to this one when I saw it was coming. This of course also meant that the expectations were high so I was almost anxious to get started on this script. Could you deliver?

Could you ever!

Bert, you just about hit it out of the park with this one. I say "just about" because the plot in itself was not exactly wooing my pants off, nothing wrong with it - but seen before. The execution though was - in my not so humble opinion - fantastic. I love this style. It's not your usual style but it works. Period. Where the so-called rules broken? And if they were, did it help the script? If yes, then what does it matter? Rules are meant to be bend, broken, shifted and altered.

Your style in this particular script is what sets it apart from other (generic) scripts in the same genre. Don't change your style cos' it makes the script flow that much better. It was vivid, it was clear and - more importantly - it was up to date. Kudos.

I really want to add something here that would give you something to work with but I don't have anything that could improve the story. Sorry. The only points I would like to make are really pathetic nitpicks:

- Tanis' accent. I mentioned this in a review of an earlier Soulshadow episode, to me, the accent doesn't sound African. It sounds Caribbean.

- The slugs. I personally love bold slugs and I also understood why you only had some of them in bold but it just didn't look good that way. Make 'em all bold.

Good stuff, Doctor Newcomer. Keep 'em coming.

Chers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 9th, 2010, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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Great story, but I wish it wasn't Tanis's story.

As a fan of Old Time Radio horror shows, I love the Soul Shadows series because they resemble those long-ago tales (albeit in a more mature manner).  But I also love the hosts of those shows (Raymond on Inner Sanctum, The Man in Black on Suspense, the Mysterious Traveler).  A large part of their charm lies in their unknown backgrounds.

Which is why I didn't like this story being Tanis's origin.  I built up too much hype in my mind, and any origin story was bound to disappoint me.  Loved it otherwise.

But I am a bit confused.  How did Tanis becoming the new owner of the book also make her the curator of the alcove's property?  I believe Sabra lived in a hut, not an alcove (I only read the story once so I'm not sure), so Tanis didn't inherit the alcove from her.  Of course, please correct me if I'm wrong.

Great read in any event.  Richard
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bert
Posted: May 11th, 2010, 9:35am Report to Moderator
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Hi guys.  Sorry for the delayed response.  I have been away for about a week.


Quoted from Cornetto
I think you needed a little more space for this epic


Yeah, there was a good bit left on the editing room floor, but I am pretty pleased with what came out.  You are correct that I held off on even considering this story for a while, but I am glad you suggested it.


Quoted from Sniper
I love this style. It was vivid, it was clear and - more importantly - it was up to date...


You know, I expected to hear from both sides of the fence on this issue -- and it is very heartening to read a few comments from the modernist camp -- which seems to be a minority.  So that, in particular, is appreciated.

Thanks for your take on the slugs -- a technique that clearly has a few bugs to work out.  And as for Tanis' accent -- it is what it is.  I do not think I would use it again for another character.

You've been on my belated payback list for a while, Snipe.  I got some reading to do this summer, and you should drop me a PM if there is one work in particular you are keen to have eyes on.


Quoted from Richcraft
I wish it wasn't Tanis' story


Ha...that is a funny comment, and I do get where you are coming from.  As for the book, Sabra had never taken a peek between its covers -- but as hinted at earlier by Z, there should probably be a different fate for Bimkubwa to help keep things consistent.

Thanks again for the comments, guys.  It is always nice to come back and find a few fresh looks.  It is appreciated.


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jayrex
Posted: May 13th, 2010, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Bert,

I'm a little late to the party.  I've only skimmed over the posts here, so might bring up old news.

I didn't envisage you writing this script at all.

I thought this was a good and interesting script, it was very different from the other type of scripts people can read here.

I haven't read many of your scripts but feel this was a little different compared to your previous.  Even though I enjoyed this script, I preferred your writing style used in Starbuck Starr.

Anyway,

I think most points were already brought up.  I was wondering if Tanis was sucked into the book, how did she get out to conclude the story and present our series?

I'm thinking that another episode of someone opening the book to release Tanis and her wicked character would make a good story.

I was thinking Tanis was going to be surrounded by trinkets which formed our stories in the beginning, and center of these items would be this book.  Just a thought.

I have no qualms with how Tanis interacted with the other characters and thought the flow of your story was good.  I don't have any ideas or suggestions regarding the core of the story.

I was wondering where is the story set?  Was it in Africa or Haiti?

All the best,


Javier


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bert
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Quoted from jayrex
I'm a little late to the party.


Hey, Jay.  I am a little late in my response, too, I suppose.  Been a little tied up lately, and kind of wanted to wait for the OWC furor to die down anyways.


Quoted from jayrex
I didn't envisage you writing this script at all...it was very different from the other type of scripts people can read here.


That is kind of what I was shooting for -- but it's met with somewhat mixed reviews.

And I kind of wrote this one for me, with a looser style that was fun to play with.  That is kind of what SoulShadows was about -- for me, anyway.


Quoted from jayrex
I preferred your writing style used in Starbuck Starr.


Heh -- thanks for that, actually.  I really appreciate that comment, as it gives some basis for comparison.  When I get back to that one, it will retain that style.


Quoted from jayrex
I was wondering if Tanis was sucked into the book, how did she get out to conclude the story and present our series?


The book transported her to the alcove, where she remains.  Some of the other Tanis segments have kind of alluded to that -- that she is trapped there -- and really doesn't even know where she is.  

But for this episode, I liked the idea of freeing her up from the alcove, at least a bit.

I suppose it is not exactly cut and dry, but if people can swallow the "Lost" finale...


Quoted from jayrex
I was wondering where is the story set?  Was it in Africa or Haiti?


It is supposed to be Africa, but her style of speaking is just made-up -- which probably lends to the confusion, as she apparently sounds like a Caribbean voodoo lady.

Thanks for the look, Jay, and best of luck with the "Good Cop, Bad Cop" filming.  I recall liking that one pretty well -- I may have to refresh my memory before we see it in the flesh.


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tonkatough
Posted: May 26th, 2010, 3:00am Report to Moderator
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I started reading each new episode of Soul Shadow 2 but towards the end I found some of the stories a bit weak and just gave up after that. But now here we have the much talked about special Tanis episode. how could i pass up on that.

I'm glad i read this cause I loved every word of it. The spell Tanis cast on Afya and how it works had me laughing with joy at the pure brillance of it. very clever.

All in all this is a beautiful, simple story about the dangers of abusing magic. Do so at your own risk.

Nothing bad to say about this at all excpet one stupid tiny, tiny little thing that really bugged me and threw me out of the story for one split second. In the dialouge you mention  "hungry Tigers" (page 13) I'm guessing this story is set in Africa right? No tigers in Africa as they come from India. These natives would be exposed to all sorts of African big cats so you'd think they would mention them and not a tiger. Like i said stupid but there you go.

Wasn't this to be the final Soul Shadow episode? A perfect story to finish the series.

And while we are talking Soul Shadows 2 I just want to say that out of all the ones I did  read, the most stand out ones for me was the episode by Mike Shelton about the Ferris wheel and Pia's one about a demonic cat.

    


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bert
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Hey Tonka.  I know you were not the biggest fan of Tanis, so I appreciate your giving her a chance on her own terms.  And I am glad you found it worthy.


Quoted from tonkatough
In the dialogue you mention "hungry tigers"...No tigers in Africa as they come from India.


Wait a minute...there are no tigers in Africa??  I made it all the way through school and never learned that?

Crap.  Damned American schools.  Those kinds of errors really bother me.  It is not a stupid comment at all.  Thanks for pointing it out.


Quoted from tonkatough
I just want to say that out of all the ones I did read, the most stand out ones for me was the episode by Mike Shelton about the Ferris wheel and Pia's one about a demonic cat.


And I will go ahead and preserve this little shout-out to my fellow authors.  I thought both of the episodes by Shelton were exceptional -- and I always like what Pia does.

And I appreciate the rest of your thoughts, too, Tonka.  Thanks for popping back onto the boards for a look.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 26th, 2010, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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I will let you know now that I have NOT read the other comments, but I will say that this is to me, anyways...

The best short I've ever read on Simply.


You have captured so much here and I'm mostly without words; so I figure I might as well drop into rhyme.

TANIS - IT BE FOR

You know Great Ex-pec-tations
I knew that I had verb
A man of many actions
A part within the herd

And then I managed this and that
I found a Selah note
I also found it here
With Tanis that she wrote

So be ye fair Young Maiden
Tho' Juma's wanderin' eyes
Be takin' after Afya,
A young and naked prize,

For if ye follow af-ter,
You'll find that you are not
Alone and old and bitter
A dead one in the rot

So neither cause nor consequence
Will rise within the Din
That judgment will be covered
And ne're that one have sinned.

Tremendous job here!!! Wow. Wow! Wow!!!

Luvya,

Sandra




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bert
Posted: May 27th, 2010, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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Goodness, what a nice comment, Sandra.

While I am not sure that everyone will agree with your assessment, I am pleased that -- at least in this instance -- Tanis seems to have found her intended audience.

I must admit that I do not always understand everything you post -- I suspect you know this already -- but creating something so uniquely your own, inspired by Tanis, I will take as quite a compliment.

Thank you, Sandra.  I was very cheered by your prose -- and I am quite certain I will not receive another response quite like that one haha.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 28th, 2010, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
Goodness, what a nice comment, Sandra.

While I am not sure that everyone will agree with your assessment, I am pleased that -- at least in this instance -- Tanis seems to have found her intended audience.

I must admit that I do not always understand everything you post -- I suspect you know this already -- but creating something so uniquely your own, inspired by Tanis, I will take as quite a compliment.

Thank you, Sandra.  I was very cheered by your prose -- and I am quite certain I will not receive another response quite like that one haha.


Always, it's a goal for me to seek out the intangibles-- the things in life, it's as if, we can't hold or count.

This might be the very crux of a question I had for myself: "What is it that I really admire in a script or a movie?"

Life always has this ironic edge, as if God is writing us notes, even mocking us, begging us to play, to take notice, even in the darkness-- especially in the darkness.

That's what I love to work with and read about and always consider.

It's here in Tanis' story and I recommend it for reading.

Yes, in me, you've found an audience.  

Sandra



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Breanne Mattson
Posted: June 4th, 2010, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Bert,

I read this. I’ve been trying to get to it since it was posted. Finally got around to it. I didn’t read any of the previous comments.

There are a lot of great descriptions here. I knew there would be. I can always count on your work to be very well written with some terrific descriptions and this is no exception to that.

I’m not very familiar with the whole Soul Shadows premise. I can only give my impression of the story completely on its own terms. I think it’s really good.

That said, it might have some hurdles as far as ever being produced.

For one, it has nudity. A long time ago, I wrote a horror script where a character murders people while naked. I never intended for the nudity to be too graphic but readers took it that way. Your script seems to indicate to me that you intend for the characters to be seen fully naked. I think this reads much more like a television story. Even on cable, I’m not sure how the nudity would go over.

Aside from that, I’m not sure what else to say. It’s tightly written. Format wise, any advice would be a matter of personal preference. Nothing hung me up at all. It was a smooth read. No one can really ask for more than that in terms of format.

Story wise, I thought you did a really good job of keeping things moving and maintaining a sense of progression, which I feel is one of the biggest flaws with most writers. Especially newer ones.

I didn’t totally get the ending but that could be due to my lack of knowledge regarding the whole series. The ending was a little fuzzy for me. I don’t exactly get what happened to Tanis or what she’s supposed to be or do. It didn’t detract from my overall enjoyment though.

I think it’s a really good script. Good work.


Breanne


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: June 4th, 2010, 11:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Breanne Mattson
Hi Bert,

I didn’t totally get the ending but that could be due to my lack of knowledge regarding the whole series. The ending was a little fuzzy for me. I don’t exactly get what happened to Tanis or what she’s supposed to be or do. It didn’t detract from my overall enjoyment though.

I think it’s a really good script. Good work.

Breanne


I could be wrong, but I feel that the ending is a brilliant melodic of purposeful ambiguity.

Possible spoilers!

Tanis is drawn into a book of life and death. Or death, if you would rather. The very tales that evoke her passion, that she works with charm throughout the series, is the very tale that finishes her-- as she becomes victim to "the passion".

You know? Whatever passion, we fall-- for "it". A lover, a lie, a luxation. Even Tanis. 'specially Tanis, as writers and artists they're weak and strong the same. And Tanis is both, a great story teller and artist. She would  tell you too,  she suffered the great fall. But that's not the end of the story.

If people like me enjoy this kind of thing, I think it's because of the archetypes that
we know and appreciate. They're real and sure as "cat ladies" like myself.

I have no trouble recommending this. Strong writing and a lot of work went into this.

Sandra






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mcornetto
Posted: June 4th, 2010, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.


I could be wrong, but I feel that the ending is a brilliant melodic of purposeful ambiguity.



Obviously, Sandra sees herself in this script.

The end indicates how Tanis became the narrator for the series.   It's been a little while since I read this but I'm pretty certain that is correct.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: June 4th, 2010, 11:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto


Obviously, Sandra sees herself in this script.

The end indicates how Tanis became the narrator for the series.   It's been a little while since I read this but I'm pretty certain that is correct.


You've nailed it Michael!  

And eight more of those smileys too!

Sandra



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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: June 5th, 2010, 12:19am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert


But I will say this -- I think that sometimes you take a narrow view, Jeff, and adhere quite stringently to conventions that, in some cases, have long ago expired.  As someone offering a bit of feedback to you now, I would submit that your (sometimes) stalwart refusal to accept the fluidity of the screenwriting medium shackles you to a certain extent.  I suspect you might even agree with this a tiny, little bit in your darkest heart of hearts.



Gosh, Jeff continually refuses the opportunity to write with me. And "I" am the one, like Neo, who could surely remove him of his shackles!   He also doesn't admit his "guilty by association" fathering of Alexander Sudarshan Liberius..." He'll never hear the end of it. He'll need to go out for extra beers every night at the local pub, just to get away from me!!!  

Sandra




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Dreamscale
Posted: June 5th, 2010, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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What the...?

Sandra, are you OK?

I'm worried about you...
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: June 5th, 2010, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
What the...?

Sandra, are you OK?

I'm worried about you...


No fun. No fun at all.

Sandra



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Dreamscale
Posted: June 5th, 2010, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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Oh yes I am!

Just messing 'round with ya, Sandra, my dear!

As Kojak used to say, "Who loves, ya, baby?"

I do!
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bert
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Haha -- Sandra, stop picking on Jeff!  

However, if you ever do manage to raise Jeff's neanderthal consciousness to your own patented heights of enlightenment, please let me know -- as that would surely be something to see.

And hey, Brea!  Always a pleasure to find your eyes on my goods.


Quoted from Breanne Mattson
For one, it has nudity.


You know, I did not set out to have these characters running around naked so much.  It just kind of happened as the story evolved.  As I think I said elsewhere, it is an example of characters leading you where you did not originally intend to go -- and because it emerged so organically, I figured it belonged there.


Quoted from Breanne Mattson
I didn't totally get the ending but that could be due to my lack of knowledge regarding the whole series.


Cornetto (a few posts above) is correct.  Tanis opens and closes each episode of the SoulShadows series, with a story involving a particular item central to the episode.

The book itself contains all of her stories -- and in this episode it transports her to the alcove, which is sort of her own, personal purgatory -- where she becomes caretaker of the items.

The only real ambiguity that remains is where her items come from, but I left that open, as I felt a definitive answer would only disappoint.  (See "Lost" for a good example of this phenomenon).

Thanks again, Brea.  I particularly appreciate your comments on the experiments (or risks) in the format I used here, as there are people on both sides of the fence regarding this episode.  There are a few whose opinions carry some extra heft in my notebook, and you are surely amongst them.

And it is great to know you are still lingering about -- even if it is only from time to time.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Breanne Mattson
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Quoted from bert
Tanis opens and closes each episode of the SoulShadows series, with a story involving a particular item central to the episode.

The book itself contains all of her stories -- and in this episode it transports her to the alcove, which is sort of her own, personal purgatory -- where she becomes caretaker of the items.


Yeah, I figured it was a curse or something like that.


Quoted from bert
I particularly appreciate your comments on the experiments (or risks) in the format I used here, as there are people on both sides of the fence regarding this episode.  There are a few whose opinions carry some extra heft in my notebook, and you are surely amongst them.


For me, it’s a matter of competence. And I think that’s how it is for most experienced readers. If the writing is competent, then it should be obvious when the writer is experimenting or just being stylistic.

There are certain aspects of format that are conventional, such as 12 point courier font. This isn’t because people are stubbornly locked in their ways but because there’s a certain meter that’s developed over time. The same with story structure. The “formula” for storytelling exists because it works. It’s evolved over time and proven itself again and again.

Then there are things that shouldn’t matter. Like whether or not a scene heading is in bold print. I don’t personally like that but I chose not to let it bother me. Trying to push a writer into doing it my way is just that -- pushing a writer to sacrifice artistic license and personal style for the sake of my personal quirk. It would be more beneficial for me to examine why I have this irrational quirk than to change you.

As the old saying goes: “Change the world where you can, and where you cannot, change yourself.”

A competent writer knows when to push and when to pull. Once a reader feels that she’s in the hands of a competent writer, she can surrender to that and enjoy the story on its own terms. I trust you, Bert. It’s as simple as that. I believe you know what you’re doing.


Quoted from bert
And it is great to know you are still lingering about -- even if it is only from time to time.


I’m a writer. I can’t help but go to the places that writers haunt.


Brea


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: June 6th, 2010, 12:23am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Oh yes I am!

Just messing 'round with ya, Sandra, my dear!

As Kojak used to say, "Who loves, ya, baby?"
I do!



Quoted from bert
Haha -- Sandra, stop picking on Jeff!  

However, if you ever do manage to raise Jeff's neanderthal consciousness to your own patented heights of enlightenment, please let me know -- as that would surely be something to see.



If Jeff and I can ever work seriously together, then I can guarantee that it will be a special day in the universe!

I do love working with my opposites. I'm a sucker for love and punishment. Gawdawful person that I am.

Sandra




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The boy who could fly
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Hey Bert, I finally got around to this one, and I am sad to say, but I was kinda disappointed.   I was hoping to find out something that I didn't know, but I had a feeling how this was going to turn out from the beginning, but in a way it was inevitable, we have gotten to know Tanis now close to 15 scripts so I guess I was hoping for something revolutionary, but I kinda knew what was around every corner.  

On the flip side this was very well written, it is such an easy read and the characters themselves you flesh out very well, I think I just wanted something that I wouldn't have guessed, but then again that would be very very hard since we have already gotten to know Tanis.  Another thing is I guess is I wish Tanis got the full feature length, I think then you would have had the opportunity to go further with it and dig a little deeper.  

I loved the snake coming out of Batu’s skull, I love all that demonic kinda stuff, and you did it very well, some of this reminded me of The serpent and the rainbow, even though that was about zombies, but when the snake come outta the chicks mouth in that, its how i imagined it coming out of Batu’s skull, some great images.

All in all very well written, I just wanted more I guess, still a solid effort I think!


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Matt Chisholm
Posted: June 18th, 2010, 2:57am Report to Moderator
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Series finale? Or will there be more?


I can't live the buttoned-down life like you. I want it all. The dizzying highs, the terrifying lows, the creamy middles. Sure, I may offend some of the blue bloods with my cocky stride and musky odors. Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "city fathers," who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards and talk about what's to be done with this Homer Simpson?
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bert
Posted: June 18th, 2010, 8:25am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Jordan.  Thanks for checking in on this one, even though:


...I had a feeling how this was going to turn out from the beginning, but in a way it was inevitable...


Her fate was kind of a forgone conclusion, wasn't it?  We already know where she ended up. I guess you do not want to stray too far with an established character and undermine what has gone before, but I did want to expand on what was already there.

I got the same, general sort of criticism from Jeff -- and I wonder now if it is the horror fans that have an easier time spotting the formulae under the surface in this one?


...some of this reminded me of The serpent and the rainbow...


I know that film.  I was not thinking about it while writing this, but yeah, that tone would certainly be about right.  It is not meant to be a kids story, and parts of this ended up not too far removed from Skinemax, I suppose.

I have no idea if these are even pitch-able, but they were a lot of fun.  I enjoyed your contributions to these as well, Jordan.  I think Tanis for your alien episode is up there as one of my favorites.


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Series finale? Or will there be more?


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Shelton
Posted: July 19th, 2010, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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Hey Bert,

Finally got around to being able to read this, and I found it to be pretty enjoyable.  

I think you did a pretty good job of explaining just how Tanis came to be who she is, and I think the way it's laid out makes for a better end episode than a beginning.  I don't think it would have worked as well if it were the actual intro for the series.

There was a good buildup to the betrayal aspect, where you knew something wasn't right between Tanis and Juma right away, and the use of Afya was pretty effective as well.

Sumbra played a nice part in laying the groundwork for the book, and stayed interweaved into things throughout.

I think you enjoyed being able to toss the typical (or not, depending on who you talk to) writing conventions aside and just go for the gusto.  Didn't bother to read other people's comments on the matter, but I think the resulting visuals were well done.

Anyway, nice work.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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bert
Posted: July 23rd, 2010, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks, Mike.  With all the activity on the boards and my being out of town, this slipped by me the last time I checked in.

I am glad you sensed the "not right" between Tanis and Juma right away.  I wanted that.

You are right that I did enjoy tossing some of the conventions aside here, and yeah, there has been alot of conversation about that.  What I most like to hear is that it did not interfere, and seems not to have bothered you much.

I should have a little time on my hands next week -- if somebody wants to swap a read on this (or if I have missed an "owed") -- shoot me a PM.

Would be happy to take a look at something for someone who actually participates on the boards.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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