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Ghostwriter, thanks for checking it out. I know you're a slasher fan, so the fact that you liked a story about vamps is a compliment IMO. Let me know if you ever want me to read anything of yours.
Tonka, thanks for reading. I checked out "Liverpoo Bully" last night and left a review. Glad it doesn't bother you that it's a bit predictable. It's probably going to stay that way. It's funny, that argument was exactly the kind i was trying to put an end to once and for all.
- "Sean ,30's, is the best looking" I see that this paragraph goes on for 4 lines by one word, so if you take out the "is" in the first sentence, it will shorten it to 3.
My only problem, I think you should have kept it subtle like you had it throughout the beginning.
Actually this had an alternate ending at first. Simply though dialogue, she believes he's a vampire. She runs off the train. He opens a copy of Dracula, starts reading, and takes a bite of a candy bar. Basically just mind fucked her. i ditched it cuz, violence sells in horror scripts.
The ending needs tightening up. Thats my job next coupla days. Thanks for the read. Let me know if i can return the favor sometime
This was a good, fast read. I like how you didn't skimp on the blood at the end. As others have already said, yes, it is predictable. From the moment Lisa sits down, you know Sean is a vampire and the only question is who he's gonna kill.
I agree with jonny that the "it's the best I can do line" is oddly out of place. I see what you were going for with it, but it doesn't fit with the tone of the script at that time. This vampire is beyond being apologetic or having to explain himself at this time. It's murderin' time. I think it would be cool if Sean's appearance or the way he speaks changes slightly in anticipation of the kill. You know, like an animal tensing up before it strikes. Maybe his voice deepens or his skin reddens a bit. Personally, I've never liked the whole Vampire not casting a reflection idea. Never made much sense to me.
Also, I don't think it's a good idea to have her faint. If this is filmed, you want a great reaction shot of her horror and disbelief at what she is seeing.
And, instead of Sean SCREAMS, maybe Sean ROARS. It just read odd to me when I read "screams." In a way, it would also make sense if Sean laughs wildly at Lisa, seeing as he's destroyed her perceptions of vampires.
Overall, good stuff. Fast and nasty. Needs to be tweaked here and there, but I could see this one being filmed.
I agree with jonny that the "it's the best I can do line" is oddly out of place. I see what you were going for with it, but it doesn't fit with the tone of the script at that time.
Beginning to agree. Needs fixed. Thinking more along the lines of... "Because that's how I make my decisions. I have to live with it."
Also, I don't think it's a good idea to have her faint. If this is filmed, you want a great reaction shot of her horror and disbelief at what she is seeing.
Again, think Jonny was onto something there. Probably gonna get the ax. As far as him getting ready to feed, shakes? I pictured Sean as a very self controlled Vampire. I believed he was follwing Edgar to kill him some place more isolated. But, just to show Lisa, he kills him on the train.
Thanks for the read and input. This script will get better because of it.
I liked this a lot. It was fun to guess which of the two is the vampire. The visual at the end is truly horrific (and I do mean this in a good way), made me shudder. Liked the line "not so pretty now".
Reads very well.
My only gripe - it feels like the beginning of a feature. Probably just me.
You can really describe the characters clearly. I can picture them in my head right away. The dialogue is intriguing as well. It flows nicely, never feel forced that Lisa would talk to Sean on the train.
The only thing that bugs me is that it seems like vampires know all their victims. Sean couldn't possibly predict these four people will be on the same train at the same time, yet he knows all of them pretty well.
Overall, I really enjoyed it. Good ending as well.
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
The only thing that bugs me is that it seems like vampires know all their victims. Sean couldn't possibly predict these four people will be on the same train at the same time, yet he knows all of them pretty well.
Coding, thanks for the read, glad you liked it. Sean really only knew who the old man was. In my mind he was following him, waiting for the right time to make his kill. He made up stuff about the other people to show Lisa how difficult it is to make the decision of who to kill. Can't just do it based on looks alone. As he said, "it will get to you."
Then he decides to kill him right on that train, in front of her. To shatter her pretty beliefs of being a vampire. Glad you liked the ending.
Jwent, go ahead and return the favor if you like! Read "Edge of Life" if you can. It should be under "shorts" it's only 7 pages. I really want peoples input on that. Thanks man.
I know you want to enter this to a comp so these comments are meant to help you with that.
try to get rid of the word and. For example page 1. You'll get rid of that orphan if you delete the word and in Sean's attire description.
Ditto that for the next paragraph as well. The word and should be avoided whenever possible…Throughout the script.
Pg 1, you can delete "she" in the paragraph where she catches Sean staring at her. You don't have to say "she", we already know it's her…
She really wouldn't know Bram? Okay, but that seems weird to me.
pg 4, sleeveless vest. No sleeves pretty much describes a vest.
Ok, those were some technical things I wanted to point out.
As far as the story goes, I liked it. Thought you did a great job. My only gripe and suggestion would be, why not have the pedophile be a woman? Those do exist and would add something different to this story.
Hope this helps. Any q's, just fire away. I might be better tomorrow…
Pia, thanks for reading. Yes, I'm going to enter this in my first comp after a rewrite. That's why I appreciate the technical feedback. My writing always lets my story down a bit.
She really wouldn't know Bram? Okay, but that seems weird to me.ure
I'm sure theres some modern day vamp fans that don't know his name. Sad. I may be over shooting here, but was really trying to make Lisa a character who has much to learn about the genre.
Quoted from Me
My only gripe and suggestion would be, why not have the pedophile be a woman? Those do exist and would add something different to this story.
Quite true. I'll work with that in my head a bit. I just need the character that Sean is following to be the least likely of Lisa's choices once they start to play the game. Sets up the violent ending.
My only question would be that I'm still having trouble grasping what an "orphan" is. Seen that tossed around alot of late. I'll lose "and' where you've suggested.
Thanks, if i can ever return the favor... Meh, Anything with your name on it will always get a read from me.
My only question would be that I'm still having trouble grasping what an "orphan" is. Seen that tossed around alot of late. I'll lose "and' where you've suggested.
An orphan is a word that is on a line by itself. They take up more space than they need to, so it is advisable to try and find them a more complete line to sit on. Usually you can do this by removing a word or something like that in the sentence above them.
Code
There is not much that is worse than a lonely
orphan.
Becomes...
There isn't much worse than a lonely orphan.
Matias, ahh.. The one everybody hates. Cuz your so damn good. Lol.
Thanks for reading. Predictable? How dare you.
That's actually what everyone else is saying. It was much longer before. Tried to throw in some red herrings and a twist in the old draft. Was still predictable. Just longer.
Just two talking heads on a late night train. Pretty obvious one of them's a vamp. So I blazed through it. Just wanted a tight story with an evil ending. You knew what was going to happen, but i hope you enjoyed the lesson that was taught. Most fans of horror despise the injustice inflicted upon vampires that is "Twilight"
I really liked this! Just when you think there couldn't be another way to approach the subject of vamps, I think you actually discovered one.
Agree that the dialogue here is very good. Also the characters were well-drawn. And I kinda dug Lisa, so I know you did a good job creating her... (0:
Was it the "P" word? Yes and no. Yes, in that Sean ended up being what we thought. No in that I thought Lisa could possibly be one and that would be the twist you'd throw at us. Enough of a red herring to keep me focused on the story.
Which is the most important thing, isn't it? It's allegorical in a way. Everyone romanticizes violence, until they're confronted with it. We see it in society every day, and we see it in our art - from "Twilight" to "The Sopranos". So well done there.
This reminded me, and you're gonna think I'm weird, of the Star Trek episode where the wars are fought by computers, and people voluntarily step into killing chambers once their region has been targeted for destruction. Violence without the pain and depravity is easily palatable. And I think that's what you were going for here.