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This reminded me, and you're gonna think I'm weird, of the Star Trek episode where the wars are fought by computers, and people voluntarily step into killing chambers once their region has been targeted for destruction. Violence without the pain and depravity is easily palatable.
Wow, you are weird. Lol. Thanks for the positive review AJ. Not a trekky so i can't identify, but sounds interesting. That's exactly what I was shooting for. Your review has summed it up best yet.
I've already sent a rewrite of this to Shriekfest for the micro comp. Thanks huge to those who've helped.
I'll let you guys know if I here anything. Thanks huge. I'll post a link to the re-write as soon as I figure out my hosting site. REN! HELP! You drunk twat.
I thought this was mostly very well done. Further, I have some suggestions to intensify this although, you might not want to go this far to the edge.
Correct on
Page 4 to
Together, they study him.
Rather than,
Sean studies him with her.
>Lisa purses her lips. Sean nods to the passengers again. She takes them in.
I think this might be an example of over writing every move for your actors. Rather, I think you need to capture this with external actions in a more internal way.
I'm imagining Lisa playing hard to get a bit and that perhaps there were some flirtations going on between she and Sean. I imagined:
**Lisa thumbs the novel, feigning absence. Sean knocks her flicking fingers.
-Just something to consider. How you can extract more out of this.
>He actually does have three kids and a loving wife.
I don't know how the word "does" here represents itself. Sounds wrong.
I think you'd be better to start off with more of a bang to punch up his words like:
SEAN That krank has three kids and a loving wife... (make him sound almost sincere) Then...
SEAN ...and if that's not enough, some neighborhood kids to tender...
She squints with her black mascara eyes. He for real?
SEAN 'til they're good and done... Kids to fuck with. Kids to fuck...
Lisa falls naked into innocence, her eyes fearful.
Lisa What did you just say?
Sean has her on a virtual leash. Her head thrusts toward him.
SEAN What? Twilight never teach you that?
He smirks.
SEAN Twilight must have Santa Clause too.
** I think you've got some excellent material here, and I'd like to see you draw it out more.
And, instead of Sean SCREAMS, maybe Sean ROARS. It just read odd to me when I read "screams." In a way, it would also make sense if Sean laughs wildly at Lisa, seeing as he's destroyed her perceptions of vampires.
You know what? I've often had problems with "the male" identification for the word, "scream".
I can't figure it no how-no-way and "roars" is usually no good substitute. I don't know why I have such a problem with this, but probably because I just have never heard a man scream in my entire life.
I've grown up in a mostly male household and these guys were "real men"!!! In every sense of the word. They might have cursed and hollered, but they sure as hell never screamed. That's probably why I just can't figure it.
It's really strange, but I guess that screaming is mostly female territory.
I read this a while ago, but my email has been bu****ed for a while so I couldn't comment.
I found the read excellent! No way am I a vampire fan, but this was a lot more than I expected.
I guess all the technical stuff has been covered by others a lot more experienced than me, but I did wonder whether Lisa stating she thought Bram Stoker's Dracula "sucked" was an intended pun. Whatever, it did put a smile on my face.
Nice work mate. Kudos!
Chelsea (Emcee)
My Scripts:
Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.
Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!
The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.
Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.
The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.
\>Lisa purses her lips. Sean nods to the passengers again. She takes them in.
I think this might be an example of over writing every move for your actors. Rather, I think you need to capture this with external actions in a more internal way.
I basically did this to have them doing something in the script. Trying to avoid it becoming just two talking heads, which it really is.
>He actually does have three kids and a loving wife.
I don't know how the word "does" here represents itself. Sounds wrong.
Have to disagree there. He also said that about the large man first. He made that up. When he talks about the old man, whom he is following, he knows about his life.
She squints with her black mascara eyes. He for real?
That's a bit "not my style". I like to avoid the unfilmable argument. I write pretty black and white. Some people like to do it. I'm fine with it. Just not for me.
Again thanks for the read. I sent this out after revision for a competition. I probably won't visit it again lest there's some interest in it. Time to write a feature. Thanks again. If I do rewrite it, I'll have your suggestions in mind.
James
Emcee, Chelsea, Martin... Thanks for reading, glad you liked. Actually wasn't going for anything with the "It sucked" line. Just felt right. Funny now that you point it out.
That's a bit "not my style". I like to avoid the unfilmable argument. I write pretty black and white. Some people like to do it. I'm fine with it. Just not for me.
**And that's damn good!!!
The more I read, the more I notice "something" in the words. They don't have to be so called "brilliant" words, they only need to be sincere.
Most important is to write "real". What is "real"? That's always different, but readers know when you're lying and when you're telling the truth.
Looks like I'm a bit late, huh, James? Sorry, bud. There's alot I wanted to say, technically, but it looks like you've already sent this baby on its way...so best of luck with it.
I actually liked the story, but did not like the script that much. The writing is definitely not great, sorry to say. Lots of awkward lines, orphans, "ands", and some other things as well. It would read so much better with a solid edit.
IMO, it needs 2 things (but keep in mind that I did enjoy it as it is)...
1) A couple more pages would have helped make it less obvious who's who.
2) I didn't think the ending was nearly violent enough to make up for 6 pages of 2 talking heads. I personally would have upped the ante here and would have gone balls out.
I can't believe you didn't find this one earlier. I should've PM'd ya, But I thought for sure you would get to it. Much of the technical stuff has been fixed in a rewrite. Ands and orphans gone.
I did change a few lines, but not many.
I'll save your thorough review for my feature. Whenever i get it done. But it is horror at least.
Ha, I thought this was terrific. A welcome change of pace from all this Twilight nonsense.
Great opening. Very descriptive and one immediately gets the mood of the piece. Also, as a Native New Yorker, I hate to admit it, but I’ve always loved movies set in Chitown for some reason. There is a certain feel to it that is just different than movies set in NYC.
I really liked the Bram Stoker line. Seemed to suggest that perhaps Sean had known Stoker personally (i.e. he had been around for along time).
P. 3 – Line where Lisa says “they are so beautiful…” didn’t exactly work for me. I know the point is that she is naïve about vampires, but at the same time this line seemed to easy for some reason. The minute she read it, I started to kind of not like her, but that may be the point. Not a big thing, but it stuck out to me as the rest of the dialouge has been very natural.
One thing that struck me is that you made Sean really good looking. If this is supposed to be a send up of the recent trends in vampire flicks (and I honestly don’t know anything about Twilight), then perhaps it would pay better if Sean is just this regular guy. Absolutely nothing special about him, including his looks. I think this would go a ways to turning the recent vampire trends further on its head.
Anyway, I really enjoyed this James. Terrific job.
Craig
P.S. – Just reading the first few comments, and for what it’s worth, I loved the “It’s the best I can do” line. Got the meaning immediately and totally works as is, IMO.
This is a great script in terms of low budget and story. What I would suggest is change the environment to make it more marketable since it's diffcult to shoot in a trainstation (or maybe I'm wrong). I'm surprised no one's picked this up.
However, I think alot of twillght fans would have a problem with you.
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
P. 3 – Line where Lisa says “they are so beautiful…” didn’t exactly work for me. I know the point is that she is naïve about vampires, but at the same time this line seemed to easy for some reason. The minute she read it, I started to kind of not like her, but that may be the point.
I didn't want you to not like her per say, Just get that she was naive. She had much to learn. Sean is a vampire who lives with the curse everyday. That's what I think could be interesting about vampires. To live with what you must do. Not being all powerful, beautiful, and humans are just food for them. I'd really like to believe this curse was handed down by god. Those under it are for a reason. And you don't glitter in the fucken sun, you never get to see it again.
One thing that struck me is that you made Sean really good looking. If this is supposed to be a send up of the recent trends in vampire flicks (and I honestly don’t know anything about Twilight), then perhaps it would pay better if Sean is just this regular guy. Absolutely nothing special about him, including his looks. I think this would go a ways to turning the recent vampire trends further on its head.
Interesting thought. I do believe a cute little gal would be less receptive to a stranger on a train lest he was decent looking. Unfortunately, just for this short, I think him being easy on the eyes helps the script.
P.S. – Just reading the first few comments, and for what it’s worth, I loved the “It’s the best I can do” line. Got the meaning immediately and totally works as is, IMO.
FARK! I did too. I changed it in the revision I sent to shriekfest. I kinda wish i didn't. I changed it to "Because I have to live with the decisions." Still hope that's not bad.
Thanks again, James
Quoted from Mr. Ripley
What I would suggest is change the environment to make it more marketable since it's diffcult to shoot in a trainstation (or maybe I'm wrong).
I agree, could be a bit of work to shoot on a train, but manageable. The actors, camera men, director, may have to ride the train late at night for a few days to get the shots they want. I still think it would be low budget...
Oh, and as far as Twilight fans, I don't think too many thirteen year old girls will be offended by my short. They'll never see it.
I guess vampires were on a lot of people's minds when they turned in this batch of scripts. There was even a play based on the Dracula story.
I think the only way this story could not have been predictable was having Sean wearing a crucifix and eating pizza or a sandwich with lots of garlic. You could have put another new slant on the vampire genre in having one without the traditional weaknesses of the Dracula versions.
I didn't like the part about the reflections. It would have been more scary if Sean waved goodbye to Lisa and then went on his murder spree. Of course, if he took out a knife and then cut into a passenger's throat and drank his blood, it would have had more of an impact.
Because crazies who think they are vampires really do exist. There were a lot of blood drinkers in the 1930s and 1940s.
Check out my story called The Vamp for a less predictable, but funnier, ending.
Rich, Thanks for reading. My intent of this story wasn't to give ya'lls a great twist. Rather to show that being a vampire may not be as great as it has been perceived of late. I beleived they're cursed beasts.
Oh, and Um. I was the first to review The Vamp. Pay attention lad...
I've read all of the short scripts in two nights. I couldn't keep up with who had reviewed my stories. I was also trying to advertise The Vamp to the other posters. The sentence wasn't meant for you alone. Sorry if there was any confusion.
I enjoyed your take on vampires and merely thought this was an innocent chat about vampires.
The only thing is I would delete 'is the best looking of the bunch', or at least change it. This is a matter of opinion and others may not immediately grasp your intention.