Javier, Thanks for the read. Glad you enjoyed.

I figured later in the script when I described the other three passengers it was obvious that Sean was the best looking.

Also, when I click on your "Do you have family values?" link it takes me to Phil's "Bad Penguin" Thread. Which I'm sure, he does not mind.

Uhp, now I see why... You've done a Phil cover. Can't say I haven't done that meself.

Thanks. Glad you liked.

James

I am most definitely not a fan of vampires' stories -I guess I chocked on them after seen one too many. But your story rocks. I think you've done a great job.

t

T.

Thanks for the read, glad you liked. Sended this sucker off to Shriekfest a few weeks ago. Beginning to get worried though. Check hasn't been cashed yet.

Ah, somplete the trifecta and get all my scripts into the top slots of the portal again.

James

Despite the predictability, I think the script starts off well. I didn't think it finished as well but the predictability wasn't a factor in that. I think there had to be a real vampire in here somewhere. The discussion of Twilight vs. Dracula seemed relatively natural and well-written. A little too simplistic for my tastes but certainly good enough.

I think the dialogue falls out track around the time Sean asks Lisa if she wouldn't mind killing people. The whole "so beautiful, so misunderstood" bit is the only one that's really cringeworthy. I don't think anyone would actually say this, even a Twilight fan. The rest of the dialogue that follows isn't poorly written per se but it seems like a strange conversation for people who've only just met. I think you might want to take a step back and think about each line. Some of them come off as awkward.

I definitely took issue with the pedophile angle. It's not the taboo aspect. I just feel like pedophilia's used so conveniently in films and scripts alike nowadays and is almost always used to justify some kind of horrific act. Your script was no exception. I think it's cliche and kind of irritating actually. This was the only part of the script I really objected to.

Overall, I thought this wasn't bad and scratched the surface of some interesting ideas. I think it would've been better if it were longer. I feel like too many writers are afraid to write shorts longer than ten pages. That or they just get in the habit of being too sparse. Either way, I think there's potential here that needs to be expanded upon.

hey James,

a really well written piece. easy to follow and intriguing. im going to have to disagree with James and say that the "so beautiful, so misunderstood" is exactly what a twilight fan would say. its so on the nose that its true.

i liked where the script was going, however i didnt like where it went. it became really predictable. in fact, i would like it more if it turned out that Sean really wasnt a vampire and that he was pulling Lisa's leg the entire time- to me that would be more of a criticism of the current vampire culture.

with that being said, i applaud you on criticizing what vampires have become...this shitty hybrid of the OC and horror iconography. however you kind of become what you're attacking. i often felt that you wrote this simply to critique the twilight series and to expose it's fans for being complete idiots. perhaps im just reading too much into it. actually i know for a fact that im reading too much into it haha

so in conclusion, for what it is, it's great. i would suggest removing the last scene because we all know what was going to happen, but that's besides the point. you have an intriguing, well written piece and i applaud you for that (you certainly got me thinking! haha)

Quoted from James McClung I think the dialogue falls out track around the time Sean asks Lisa if she wouldn't mind killing people. The whole "so beautiful, so misunderstood" bit is the only one that's really cringeworthy. I don't think anyone would actually say this, even a Twilight fan. The rest of the dialogue that follows isn't poorly written per se but it seems like a strange conversation for people who've only just met. I think you might want to take a step back and think about each line. Some of them come off as awkward.

I thought most of the dialogue was pretty good. Though they did get into a heavy conversation right quick. That seemed a bit rushed. I felt Sean was annoyed by her right off. Was Why he did what he did. Killed a man he was probably following right in front of her.

Quoted from James McClung I definitely took issue with the pedophile angle. It's not the taboo aspect. I just feel like pedophilia's used so conveniently in films and scripts alike nowadays and is almost always used to justify some kind of horrific act. Your script was no exception. I think it's cliche and kind of irritating actually. This was the only part of the script I really objected to.

Just gonna disagree with you there. I thought it was a good fit. I'm trying to convey that being a vampire is nothing fabulous. Sean has to find his victims. based on what they do, who they are, So he can live with himself every night. I think making Edgar some un cliched typ of evil man wouldn't add anything to this script.

I had a 17 page version of this first. Still predictable. I do enjoy bringing vampires down from their pedastal a bit. Exploring how it is not such a great life. Edward Cullen makes me sick how he tells Bella he won't make her a vampire because it's a cursed life. He glitters in the goddam sun. Has super powers, and immortality. How is this a curse?

So I enjoyed writing this, I may expand on a completely different view of vampires like this.

Thanks for the read James. Much appreciated.

The other James.

Quoted from albinopenguin i liked where the script was going, however i didnt like where it went. it became really predictable. in fact, i would like it more if it turned out that Sean really wasnt a vampire and that he was pulling Lisa's leg the entire time- to me that would be more of a criticism of the current vampire culture.

I had a version of this where lisa runs off the train after Sean pretends to know the old man. After she leaves he pulls out a copy of Dracula and takes a bite of a candy bar. Trust me, I liked that ending too. As it is though, I think real horror needs a bit of blood.

And oh yes, I friggin hate Twilight. I don't like True Blood either for the most. Just don't like this whole new age thinking of them. Nobody ever raped Frankenstein, werewolves, or even the mummy as bad as vampires have been soiled of late. They're not even scary anymore, just gods that walks amongst men IMO>

Glad you liked it. Thanks for the read. It took a long time to write it for a six pager. Anytime I can return the favor, just PM me.

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Just gonna disagree with you there. I thought it was a good fit. I'm trying to convey that being a vampire is nothing fabulous. Sean has to find his victims. based on what they do, who they are, So he can live with himself every night. I think making Edgar some un cliched typ of evil man wouldn't add anything to this script.

I got what you're trying to do. Really, I did. I just see the whole pedophile thing so much. It's almost like the movies would have us believe 1 out of every 5 people is a pedophile. Come on. I felt like your script would've been just as effective or maybe more if Edgar beat his wife or fucked people out of their money. But that's just me. Not to mention it's your script, your call.

Quoted from jwent6688 I had a 17 page version of this first. Still predictable. I do enjoy bringing vampires down from their pedastal a bit. Exploring how it is not such a great life. Edward Cullen makes me sick how he tells Bella he won't make her a vampire because it's a cursed life. He glitters in the goddam sun. Has super powers, and immortality. How is this a curse?

I hear you, dude. I forgot to mention I appreciate your intentions with this script. The vampire genre has been dead since the 90s. There's been a handful of exceptions but I always figured vampires shouldn't be allowed to end up in celebrity magazines. They're supposed to be monsters.

So more power to you. I've plans to try my hand at the genre myself someday.

I liked this.

Vampire voyeurism. Nicely done. I liked the girl and her Twilight obsession made fun of by a real vamp.

Could have vamped up the ending as a violent event in front of the girl. How did the vamp get the pedophile info on the old man? Or was he screwing with her mind?

Two little format issues to bring up.

"shrugs his shoulders." could be just "shrugs."

and...

SEAN
Humans eat animals. Not vampires.

Of course, humans don't eat vampires. But it could be better as "Humans eat animals. Vampires don't." or "Vampires eat humans not animals."

Gary

Gary, Thanks for reading. Glad you liked it.

Quoted from grademan Could have vamped up the ending as a violent event in front of the girl. How did the vamp get the pedophile info on the old man? Or was he screwing with her mind?

I pictured Sean, a real vampire who's had about enough of all this media sensationalization of them, knew this old man. What he's done. He was following waiting for the proper time to kill. Lisa ticked him off so bad, he wanted her to see how violent it truly was to be one. Also, think if things were this bad for vampires they may even have a high suicide rate. Maybe Sean didn't even care anymore if he got caught.

I agree about shrugs. They're not really even action sentence worthy IMO, I just needed them to do something in between.

As far as the line you brought up, I'm on the fence with that one. It does read funny. But in the exchange, her pointing at her book, having it read proper I think it might work. "HUMANS eat animals. NOT vampires". It's sounds like realistic dialogue to me.

Anyways, thanks for the read. Glad you liked it overall.

James

I thought this was pretty good. Predictable, but entertaining. The characters were interesting and I felt their conflicting opinions moved the story along. I also thought it was well-written too. Good job.

James

Good effort here although I seen the ending coming. Not so much going for the Old Man due to his back story thus providing a motivation for the attack but flipping the expectations by having Sean the vampire and not the Twilight reading, goth looking Lisa. For me, it was sign posted from the beginning.

Given that it is all dialogue for the six pages till the final sequence it worked rather well. I didn't feel it drag or fall victim to contrivance or awkwardness, however the fact that I seen the reveal coming neutered the punch of it somewhat, reducing it to a going-through-the-motions feel before reaching the said twist.

Good writing though, I liked your descriptions, dramatic location choice too, Sean's blood dripping face against the window and scream at the end was a powerful visual to leave us with.

But unfortunately, for me, everything was undermined by the inevitability of the plot.

Col.

FIlm goer, Thanks for reading. Glad you liked it.

Col,

Glad you liked it mostly. It is guilty of being predictable. Couldn't help it. You knew one of them was going to be a real vampire.

I hope that being short, it was still an interesting ride eventhough you knew where it was going. Thanks for reading. Lemme know if i can return the favor. Or how you say, favour.

James

Umm, ditto what everyone else said pretty much.
Predictable, but you dont act like its a surprise so its alright.

For the "thats the best I could do" line, what about something along the lines of, "Because that's the one I chose."  Then lack of reflection, etc...

Also RE the rights for twilight...  if someone actually wanted to film this they could just make a mock twilight cover that would convey the same thing.  Just pretty stylish teen vampires on the cover and a made up title.  I think people would still get the reference.

Well written though, enjoyed it.

Jackx, thanks for reading. Glad you enjoyed. Agree with what others have said.

AS far as rights, they can definitely talk about Twilight and it's characters. It's protected under commentary fair use defense. Just like parody. Been doing my reasearch. As far as showing the book, with it's actual cover art. Trying to find out.

Had people interested in this. Bailed because of two things. The difficulty of shooting on a train, which i refuse to change. And copyright issues.

That line was changed already in a version I shot off to shriekfest. I do like your suggestion though. You always read alot and give good advice. PM me if I could ever return the favor.

Thanks, James