Congrats to James for making it as a finalist at this year's Shriekfest screenplay competition!


Phil

Well done James!

Nice one James.  Good script.

WOW!!!!!

Cleveland ROCKS!!!!

Phil,

You're a dick. Asked him if I should be excited in PM. So he fires it up.

Thanks to everyone who commented. I never did post the revised draft that I sent. I made some subtle changes based on comments here.

Thanks to all who took the time. Keep you posted. I may just be just a finalist, or, according to Phil, still have a chance to win,  place. Just happy I had an answering machine message from Denise Gossett when i got home today.

James

That's Mister Dick to you.


Phil

James,

Congrats on the whole finalist thing.
The dialog flows like vintage blood.
I'm a fan of anything that sticks it in and breaks it off in the tweenie vamp crowd!
Though I should be more diplomatic in the interest of starting my own career.
I have one degree of separation from the bloke directing the two part climax of a certain related annoying franchise. *duct tapes own mouth* Mmmphhh.  :x

I really like the vibe and the pacing here.
I approve of you eschewing the twist for making fun of the TwiHards.
The only sticking point for me is the "best I can do" line on page 5.
Is he lying to himself? Did I miss something there?
Great job! Look forward to ripping through more of your stuff!

Regards,
E.D.

I just noticed this got picked for Shriekfest.   Way to go.

Congrats jwent on the selection!

Wrote a Vampire script once... I'll never do it again.  Your story is easily filmable and I feel someone will be picking this up to film soon.  It's written very well; regardless of the absurdity that are vampires.  I think the dialog could be a smidge tighter when he's describing the Old Man and the Factory work and the 3 kids, though.  It was largely very cinematic, though.

Nice.

E.D.,

Thanks for reading. This is an outdated draft compared to the one that was sent. The line you brought up was changed. I gotta feeling the only reason it made it was because people who are fans of real horror, Fucking despise Twilight. If it had a nice twist, maybe it could have won.

I get the feeling, were only granted a few great twists in life as writers. Wouldn't waste mine on a short. Even if I have one in the bag. I mean, Look what happened to M. Knight.

Thanks for congrats AJ and Screen... Best on both your ventures.

Balt, thanks for reading. I can understand your problem with the dialogue near the end. I just wanted it to repeat what he said about the guy with all the tatt's.

As far as being easy to film... You're wrong there. Nobody wants to touch this because it's on a train. Also, everyone is afraid of Stephenie Meyer or stepping on her toes copyright wise. Funny. If she had been reading Dracula at the beginning, nobody would even think about it. Anything they say about the book is protected under fair commentary. As far as showing the book??? Couldn't get a straight answer from anyone.  I don't think you'll ever see this on film. Was a serious attempt to write something easy to make, Yet, I know nothing about making film.

James

James, this had been up for a while, and you've made changes to the draft I read, I know. I was wanting to return a read. I see that are reading and commenting on everyone's work, including mine, so the least I could do is this.

I read people's comments after I read the script, if that helps any.

I liked this. The dialog works well. I think one of the things that works so well here is that it is predictable. Knowing that Sean is a vampire, well, assuming he is a vampire, makes the dialog between them all the better. It was funny.

As for filming this... I'm not a filmmaker, I studied it, but I just want to write. But, the setting of a train is difficult, but could easily be changed to a train station or subway platform. Showing the book would be a problem, but this girl loves the book, right? She's read it three times, the cover could be trashed, our better yet, she has made her own book cover that she's decorated with "team Edward" type stuff - kind of like they make kids do in high school and junior high... Again, I'm not a filmmaker, but if I was, those would be some tricks to use.

Very good work on this, I was entertained.

nice.  i liked this one a lot. i can easily see this as the opening scene of a vampire movie that flips the genre on it's ass.  also, i dont know why, but a train is always an interesting setting for me.  good job.

Quoted from reuel51 As for filming this... I'm not a filmmaker, I studied it, but I just want to write. But, the setting of a train is difficult, but could easily be changed to a train station or subway platform. Showing the book would be a problem, but this girl loves the book, right? She's read it three times, the cover could be trashed, our better yet, she has made her own book cover that she's decorated with "team Edward" type stuff - kind of like they make kids do in high school and junior high... Again, I'm not a filmmaker, but if I was, those would be some tricks to use.

Thanks R51 for the read,

Glad you didn't mind the predictability of it. To me, it was fun knowing that Sean was a vampire and he was about to teach Lisa a lesson in life.

The filming of it would be difficult. I had a few directors ask me to put it into a diner. It doesn't work for me there. I have a vision for this. All the tension is at the end... "He's also a pedophile." Train brakes SCREECH. Lisa realizes she's either talking to a mad man, or a real vampire. She can't get out. Sorry, seen it in my head too many times.

If it gets filmed, I will probably fund it. And yes, Twighlight book is going into it. If Stephenie Meyers wants to send her big bad attorneys after me, I welcome the publicity. Pretty sure she wouldn't bother. Or even notice. I think I'm pretty safe by law. Copyright peeps I've talked to were on the fence about showing the actual book. Other then that, all is good.

I actually have respect for her. When her book on this franchise was leaked, she posted it on her website for free. We just have different views of what the curse is. I don't think I'm bashing twilight, just the fans that live for it.

Anyways thanks for reading...

Conz,

Thanks for reading. I'm glad you like the train setting. I'm glued to it. Not flipping the genre on its ass, though. Trying to point out that vampires used to be feared.

James

Just stumbled on this, and I think it works well, very well. There is no twist, but better no twist than a bad twist, or even worse a cliche one.  You know very early on who the vampire is, well before the girl, but what you are left wondering is whether she will be a victim. That's where the tension is. Seems like this would be easy to film and should be. Great example of a short!