Thanks for the read Leitskev,

I'm glad you enjoyed it. I've already had a mountain of good advice on this one from the people here. Again, thanks for the kind words.

James


Ooh, and that post just made this thread superhot.

Hey James.

You know I love this one. I'm surprised that it hasn't at least been optioned yet.

God if this ain't cutting it what chance have the rest of us got?

But it'll happen, wait and see.

By the way, how's 'CRUEL AND UNUSUAL' coming along? There's another winner right there.

Keep it up mate.

Martin.

Martin, your spirits have seemed a bit down of late. I've explained why i don't think this one has caught attention. Its on a train. Try to get everyone to work for free so they can showcase their talents, yet, somebody's got to flip the bill. Enormous one for this. My mistake.

Keep writing my good man. Hold onto the dream. Keep shopping your scripts. Be creative. You'll have one made. I'm confident. I like your style.

Cruel and Unusual sits in a pile of about ten unfinished shorts. After Bert's, Pia's, and your comments my heads spinning at where to go with it.

I'm in the current OWC. So it got brushed aside. Keep writing. At the same time, be realistic. Its a tuff biz to break into. I have dreams, yet, I don't let my failures crush me.

James

Hey James,

I know I read this awhile ago, but I didn't see a post from me on this.  Lol, I even found the notes I wrote about it in my SimplyNotebook.  I read it about the same time I read 'The Status of Things'.  Sorry I never went back and posted my notes, which pretty much everything I wrote has been covered anyway.

I think it's funny how it ends up being a story about the differences between old school vampires and new school vampires because in my old notes, after I read

Quoted from So Pretty Sean, 30's, is the best looking of the bunch.

I was thinking to myself 'Oh yay, another spin off of Twilight where the vampires look like models'.  (And yes, I had figured out by that time that Sean was going to be a vampire.)  In fact, the twist for me was that Lisa wasn't a vampire.  (Works at a hospital... easy access to blood).  I originally thought one of them was going to be the old school vamp and the other a new school vamp, and they were going to argue about who's better, maybe duke it out a little.

The script was very good for a horror and I'm very glad to see that you did very well at Shriekfest with it.  Congratulations!

I do have one question for you though that I didn't see covered in the other replies to the thread.  Forgive me if it was covered.  I didn't read every single post so I might have missed it.

If the main problem you seem to have about why anybody doesn't want to shoot this is the 'train' aspect of it, why not just have it take place in a subway.  Besides, (I'm not a railroad man or anything), but aren't trainstations few and far between anyway?  Yours had a stop after six minutes.  (Of course I used your page count as a timer.)

Personally, I think the characters in your story should be taking the bus.  Make it infinitely easier on the director.  I ride the nightline here in Youngstown home from work and there's some pretty creepy people that ride it at night.  (I was told from one of the bus drivers that a certain old guy WAS a charged pedophile.  Don't know if it's true or not, but your story really conjured up the image of that guy for me.)

I don't know how dyer it is that your story HAS to take place on a train, maybe I missed something, but it would make a lot more sense to me to put them on a subway or bus.

Another question I have is 'How does Sean know all this about Edgar?'  Lisa asks him that question, and Sean says 'Because it's the best I can do.'  I didn't really understand that part.  I might have missed something.  I did go back and read it a couple times, but I still didn't get it.

But it was still a solid piece of writing and I found it very entertaining considering I'm not much of a horror fan anymore.

Good job.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 I do have one question for you though that I didn't see covered in the other replies to the thread.  Forgive me if it was covered.  I didn't read every single post so I might have missed it. If the main problem you seem to have about why anybody doesn't want to shoot this is the 'train' aspect of it, why not just have it take place in a subway.  Besides, (I'm not a railroad man or anything), but aren't trainstations few and far between anyway?  Yours had a stop after six minutes.  (Of course I used your page count as a timer.)

Obviously you've never rode a Chicago elevated train. It's a subway above ground that stops frequently. Six minutes could be about right, though, I was pretty plastered riding to Wrigley field on it.

Quoted from rc1107 Personally, I think the characters in your story should be taking the bus.  Make it infinitely easier on the director.  I ride the nightline here in Youngstown home from work and there's some pretty creepy people that ride it at night.  (I was told from one of the bus drivers that a certain old guy WAS a charged pedophile.  Don't know if it's true or not, but your story really conjured up the image of that guy for me.)

Meh, you can yell at the bus driver to stop. When you're in the last car of the train, you're its prisoner until the doors open up. That's what I like about it. Nobody can hear you. You can't get out.

Quoted from rc1107 Another question I have is 'How does Sean know all this about Edgar?'  Lisa asks him that question, and Sean says 'Because it's the best I can do.'  I didn't really understand that part.  I might have missed something.  I did go back and read it a couple times, but I still didn't get it.

This part was not well revealed in the initial draft. Sean was following Edgar. He was hunting him, waiting for the proper time to strike. Lisa pissed him off so much he did it right there on the train. Just to shatter her beliefs.

Thanks for reading. Alot of this was addressed in a rewrite that I sent to Shriekfest. Guess I should post the new version, but, I'm already a pain in the ass as it goes.

James

*Spoilers*

Hey James -

Thought I'd pull this one up for review.

Short and sweet - really tight writing.  The dialogue really flows, and you do get in a few wry moments that work really well (eg, the black hair and fingernails, the "or maybe he's just a thug" comment, etc.)  Nice and forth.

Admittedly, the minute Sean started his guessing game, I knew how it would end.  But at 6 pages long, that's really not a problem.  It was still a fun ride.

My only issue was the line "Because, it's the best I can do."  Huh?  Not sure if he can read minds - that's not completely clear.  And if so, wouldn't the line read something more like "because, it's one of the things I do best...)

Just a thought.  But fun tweak on Twilight readers!  (And they do deserve it.)

It was a little predictable, but I still liked it. The only thing I would do to it is take out the part about her fainting at the end.

Good job. I would really like to see this filmed.

Thanks crooked for the read. This was predictable, but I think the severity of it and the shock value over shadowed its predictability for most readers. I've read a good deal of shorts that try so hard to misdirect the reader that the story suffers just to offer a twist.

Lisa did not faint in the rewrite i sent to shriekfest. I guess i should update this version. Anywho, I made several changes based on comments from here. It got me to finalist in my first contest. Quite proud of it actually. I'd love to see it on film as well, unfortunately, very few offers at this point.

If you've got a short up, lemme know. I'll take a peek. I don't do features right now, sorry.

James

Quoted from jwent6688 If you've got a short up, lemme know. I'll take a peek. I don't do features right now, sorry.

I just finished a short last night, and hopefully it'll be on this site soon.

Quoted from crookedowl I just finished a short last night, and hopefully it'll be on this site soon.

Cool, I'll keep an eye out for it.

Quoted from Wonkavite Admittedly, the minute Sean started his guessing game, I knew how it would end.  But at 6 pages long, that's really not a problem.  It was still a fun ride.

Crap, Sorry Janet. I didn't thank you for reading. This one keeps getting lost on me. It was predictable. The only thing going for it is that its very short. If it were longer I would have had to come up with a better twist.

Sean's line was changed to "Because I have to live with the decisions." I also set up his final line better. Thanks again for the read.

James

There is a lot to learn from reading this script JW, The word 'tight' comes to mind.  The Bram Stoker reference was gold.  

Can't say the ending surprised me, you if this ends up getting filmed, maybe make it obvious from the beginning?

For a short with two people sitting and talking, it had quite a bit of tension. That's hard to do in one location and next to no action. You pulled it off great. The lack of action makes the ending violence seem a bit more raw. The blood on the windows and the image of Sean at the end is a great way to end it.

I agree with the very first comment, take out the fainting. Just have her trip and fall on her way out, as she gets up she glances back and sees him there. He screams in joy as the train goes away.

Does he always feed on this train? Or was it just this one time. Could have a midnight meat train vibe going on if he does this regularly at this spot.

Thanks for the reads Chris and usual Suspect. This version had some changes made to it from suggestions by board members. Just slight. The fainting is gone and i set up the ending line a bit better with having Lisa say it first.

Quoted Text TheUsualSuspect Does he always feed on this train? Or was it just this one time. Could have a midnight meat train vibe going on if he does this regularly at this spot.

No, he knew Edgar. His past and what he had done. He was following him waiting for the right time to kill. Lisa pissed him off so with her romantic view of a vampire's life that he killed Edgar right there to shatter her beliefs. I think i could portray this a bit better on film. You can't see it in the script. Again, thanks for the reads...

James

Great job James! I really loved the vampire banter, the dialogue flowed really well! And yes, it was obvious where it was going to lead, but the intriging thing was finding out the protagonists justification on how and why he chooses his victims.

Hope this is not idiotic, but how did Sean know that Edgar was a pedophile?

Quoted from Loulou Hope this is not idiotic, but how did Sean know that Edgar was a pedophile?

Thanks for the read Loulou. I'm glad you enjoyed. Was the only script i ever entered into a contest and it made finalist. As far as your question, I never really addressed how Sean knew. But he does and is following him waiting for the right time to kill. The script is borderline too talky as it is. I didn't want Sean giving too much of an explanation. I kind of like that we don't know how he knows...

James