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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Colliteral Damage - Produced! Moderators: bert
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  Author    Colliteral Damage - Produced!  (currently 6416 views)
Don
Posted: June 8th, 2010, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Colliteral Damage by Jon Barton (johnnyboy) - Short, Comedy - Most of us have to suffer for our art. Megan has to suffer for Eric's. 13 pages - pdf, format

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10/16/2014 update

Finding Eric from Red Bandit Productions on Vimeo.

VICTORIA is excited to see ERIC again after a break until she realises he's not the man she thought he was. To complicate things, he's not sure who he is either.








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Don  -  October 16th, 2014, 12:43pm
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cloroxmartini
Posted: June 8th, 2010, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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Took a little to get devoloped for me, but when it did, it all clicked. Could have more impact in a larger story, however you did well in capturing the waywardness of Eric and the patience, now wrung out, of Megan.
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dogglebe
Posted: June 8th, 2010, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
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It was an interesting read but I had some problems with it:

Why would Megan keep returning to Eric?  He has absolutely no redeeming qualities to him.  You need to show something positive about him.

You need to tighten up your dialog.  You have blocks of it that run fifteen lines long.  Way too long.  If you tighten this up, you can easily cut two or three pages from the script.

The ending fell kind of flat for me.  Having Megan leave the way she did just wasn't enough.

Hope this helps.


Phil
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Coding Herman
Posted: June 8th, 2010, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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The first thing I notice is: too many underlining. There were about 10 underlining in the dialogue. If you write the dialogue properly, the actors will know which word to emphasize.

But anyway, this was quite a fun read. Liked some of the dialogue and the character Eric sounds interesting. Would want to meet him.

The main problem is that for most of the script (at least 12 pages), it's two people sitting and talking, even in the flashbacks. So I'm not sure how it'd look on screen, maybe the dialogue is funny enough the audience won't mind.

The story is a bit on the thin side. The conflict is very one-sided as Megan is doing all the arguing and bitching. And since Eric is not that determined to be a writer anyway, this feels like a mother nagging until she's too fed up to speak. If Eric is as great an opposition as Megan, the story might get more interesting.

But overall, it's still enjoyable. Thanks.

Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 8th, 2010, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
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Is the title wrong on purpose?...or am I just stupid?  


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Coding Herman
Posted: June 8th, 2010, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, what is Colliteral?


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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screenrider
Posted: June 9th, 2010, 12:03am Report to Moderator
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JohnnyBoy,

I wasn't too keen on the wordplay in the title (co-literal) but other than that I really enjoyed it.  Who cares if Eric has no redeeming qualities.  He was so wrapped up in himself it was funny to watch (in my head)   You do need a better twist at the end, though.  It fell flat.   One last punchline or something.  Watch Mike Shelton's 180 before your next rewrite.  It might give you a few ideas.  Just a suggestion.  

Film this and put it on YouTube.  You'll get plenty of hits from the teen crowd.

Good job!


EDIT: Check out the info on this link concerning secondary sluglines.
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1275664855/
  


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Don  -  June 9th, 2010, 12:21am
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khamanna
Posted: June 9th, 2010, 1:45am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

just read it. I think it's very funny especially the part about the beret... and "where am I" "here I am" (sorry for paraphrasing)

The flashbacks worked.

The only thing I'd do - cut a little on Megan lines. Eric is more interesting I think, and I just wanted to skip her - she's so normal...
I'd also love another twist at the end - maybe Eric wanted her not to take him back... - just a suggestion.

Great job, I think. Very funny.
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JonnyBoy
Posted: June 9th, 2010, 6:47am Report to Moderator
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Yay, it's up! Thanks, Don. And thanks to all of you who read it. This was an idea I first had a year ago, took a vague pass at and then stuck in a drawer. I got bored of the script I was working on last week, dug this out...and here we are.

Some pretty common themes in the feedback, so I'll focus on those.

- The title: Yeah, it's wrong on purpose. it's a play on words, but perhaps not as clever as I thought it was! The relationship is the collateral damage of Eric's literary ambitions...so literary collateral damage = colliteral damage.

- Formatting issues: as far as the underlining goes, it's something I see done in pro scripts and right now I like it. Sorkin uses it in particular. I'll see if anyone else comments on it, but I do agree that a good actor would find the emphasis; it's more to aid the read. As for the secondary slugs - I'll have a look. Glad no-one commented on what Jeff would term unfilmables...hopefully it'll stay that way. Until Jeff turns up, of course.

- Dialogue: I know it could probably use a trim. In fact, it probably definitely could. I personally don't mind longer speeches onscreen, but I will definitely take the scissors to those parts and see what could be lost.

- Eric and Megan: yeah, I do think Eric could do with at least a moment of likeability. They are just kids, of course - if they were ten years older, I think it would be a lot harder to believe. I'm glad people seem to respond to Eric as a character, although I'm worried if people find Megan bitchy...I'll have to look at that. Not the intention.

- The ending: flat? Huh. I'll have a look at that. If that's how it comes across, then it obviously needs something more. I'll rustle something up for the rewrite.

Oh, and screenrider: I've read and commented on 180 - it's good, although the script's better than the finished film. I consider Mike to be really skilled at this type of script, so if it came to mind reading this then I'm going to take a positive from that!

Thanks for reading, all. I'll find returns for those of you I owe.


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JonnyBoy  -  June 9th, 2010, 9:51am
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Andrew
Posted: June 9th, 2010, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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Jon,

Better that I read this one here. Will be on 'APS' shortly. It's hard to comment on this one. On the one hand, this is easily - to my mind - the best demonstration of your writing yet. All the nuts and bolts are in place for you to now run free and write great stories, as learning the trade no longer applies. You know what the tools are, and you use them effectively. Dialogue was crisp. To the point and didn't feel flabby or unnecessary. Action was clear and well-written. On the other hand, the actual story here feels incomplete.  The stakes just didn't seem high enough - I am getting to know these people, you showed enough to pique the interest, but not enough to tell their story. I disagree that Eric was unlikeable. He is us. He's a wannabe until he's an "actualable" - yeah, I just created that. He dreams and he's selfish and he doesn't know what he wants. That makes him real. Why cheapen him and give him some likeable quality that detracts from a key point.

To me, this script is about the self-involvement of people and the contrast of those who support said people. Who can't relate to that. We're people, we suck. Eric seems painfully unaware of who he is, and this is what we as an audience and Megan enjoy mocking, but surely the irony is that it applies to most of us., There's more Eric in most people than they'd like to admit. Is that something you are thinking? Regards likeability,  if you look at a film like 'Closer', it works 'cos the characters are not likeable. You like them 'cos you know they're real - they're imperfection and 'us-ness' makes us like them. Mike Nichols brings that quality to his films and it's a recurrent theme. Just look at 'Regarding Henry' where an arsehole finds redemption. My favourite of his, 'Primary Colours' (yes, 'The Graduate does rock, I know) is full of unlikeable people. It's always amusing that so many people lampoon Hollywood for being passe and simple and yet adhere to its many formulas - thus advocating the same measures they find as sticks to knock over the head of 'corporate, soulless Hollywood'. So, digression aside, this piece is fine with real people. Is that what you were going for? I would say that perhaps Megan is too accommodating. I suspect that she has reasons for this, but you just haven't put it on the page.

This is a hunch, but would some of the content be quite personal? So, maybe some aspects of you or people close to you are found here? Reason I ask is that there felt a warmth in the material which usually comes from some form of personal experience.

This is good. To make it better, I would think upping the stakes and investment of the characters in the situation would achieve it, as well as making it longer. This didn't feel like an end to the story, but rather a tidying up of one element. Megan was about as sarcastic and annoyed as anyone would be, so I didn't think she came across as bitchy. I think you already have the answers as to why she pus up with it, but you just need to note it. The script is a bit one dimensional right now, as it's just Eric and Megan for 13 pages that is not enough. I think you recognised that with Barb but she's not important to situation, so she could easily be lost for someone else. Another character weaved into the fabric of their conflict would achieve that. I wouldn't go the route of cheating but something more refreshing. What is this story about, for you? Because it unravels at such a slow pace, it seems you have something much longer than 13 pages in mind, but sort of drew it to a close before we reached a natural conclusion. That, of course, depends on what you see the story as representing.


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jwent6688
Posted: June 9th, 2010, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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Jon, Gave this one a look. Some technical stuff first.

Don't get why you need another slug for the rear of the diner. She can obviously see him. They're in the same room. Pretty sure it's not needed.

"His voice has a dreamy, drawling quality. It’s nauseating." This quote from pg 1 is pretty much a contradion of itself. It is also you telling us he's a douche bag without letting us judge for ourselves.

There you are, here I am... that was good.

Some of these blocks of dialogue are really big. I think they might come off a little unrealistic on film. It takes longer to act them out then to read them. Would require some very charismatic characters.

I agree with the others that the ending could use a bit more snap in the lines. I also think there's an opportunity for Barb to deliver the last blow as if she were listening to their conversation. If Megan's last line was "Get a job." Then when Barb brings him some napkins she could say "Got an opening for a dishwasher, Fitzgerald" - Just an idea.

Overall I really liked this piece. I think you did good with it. Hope this helps you tighten up a bit.

James


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 9th, 2010, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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Uh oh...Jeff has found the script...and read the script.

Not much to say really.  There's very little here for a 12 page script.  It's literally 2 talking heads, with several brief flashback scenes with the guy wearing different funny outfits.  That's it.

I don't really see a story here.  I don't see an ending.  And based on that, not much to say.

Obviously, I don't like the asides, but I was much more distracted by the huge dialogue blocks.  I didn't really find the banter funny, either.  The flashback scenes were humorous, with the different outfits, but if these 2 are supposed to be High School students, it's kind of far fetched.  If they were older, it would work better, IMO, and be funnier.

Oh well, there you go...I have spoken.

PS  I don't get the title or any humor involved with it, sorry to say.
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JonnyBoy
Posted: June 10th, 2010, 6:31am Report to Moderator
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Hello you three. Thanks for the read.

Andrew: yeah, I think I now know how to write a screenplay. The next step is to write a good one! Thanks for the compliments on style, dialogue etc. I don't know if Eric has to be more likeable, but there has to be a more obvious reason why the two of them would be together. I think I can fix that in about an extra three lines, so I'll give it a shot.

No, it's not based on anything personal. I just had an idea about a writer who dumped his girlfriend to give himself some 'tragedy'. Then I thought about the kind of guy who would do that, and came up with Eric. Thanks for your comments on what needs changing - I'll think o'nt.

James: re: the slugs...dunno. Made sense to me, but it may well be wrong. The dialogue...yeah, it's too blocky. I'll look to cut back. Appreciate the lines you did enjoy. And the consensus seems to be that the ending needs a bit more, so I'll work on that. Thanks for the positive words, and appreciate the read.

Jeff: why, you little mother...(deep breath)...thank you for your feedback.


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tonkatough
Posted: June 17th, 2010, 4:32am Report to Moderator
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One thing I learnt from reading this is you're a masterstroke at writing about a Douchebag. Seriously this guy Eric was a real little prick but I'm guessing that was your intent.

I didn't feel satisfyed with this one. It was a lot of talking and build up to that one moment when Eric dumps his girl to gain a bit of tragedy, then we find out what a jerk Eric really is with some flash backs and then it just fizzles out with the clique thrown drink in the face routine and storm off. Not enough going on to deserve 13 pages, thats for sure. I suggest you make the dialouge more snappy and short, some quick witty back and forth banter to cut down that the number of pages. And seeing Megan is getting dumped, why not let her go out with a blaze of glory give Eric some spiteful payback. can't think of an example but there must be a much better way to say fuck you then with a simple throw drink in face.        


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JonnyBoy
Posted: November 12th, 2010, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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Okay, I think this is far enough along in the process that I can tentatively draw your collective attention to it. If it still all falls through...meh, it's happened to me before.

I got an email from a company called Red Bandit Productions (based in Australia) a few days after this script went up, telling me they wanted it for their next project. After a bit of negotiation I ended up signing an exclusivity agreement with them back in July, and didn't really hear anything for a few months.

Until this morning, in fact, telling me that the shoot starts next weekend. What they're shooting isn't really the script posted above; when they sent me the changes they wanted to make in July they'd switched the title, Megan's name and the characters' ages as well as altering the dialogue and story, and now looking at the cast list it's expanded to include a Homeless Guy, 15 school kids and 20 extras so who knows what it'll end up looking like!

But anyway, this is the first thing I've had produced and so I'm suitably excited. These guys' previous project is on IMDB so with a bit of luck this, and by extension I, might get on there too...hey, it's all progress, right? With this and 'It Gazes Back' on the way, I'm feeling pretty chuffed right now.

The blog, which has a cast list, crew list, and refers to me as a 'US based screenwriter' (I'm going to ask them to switch that, although that's what you get for pandering to America's dominance), is here: http://redbanditproductions.com/wp/. There'll be stills from the shoot and other updates, but I won't keep clogging up the portal by posting them; they'll be there if anyone ever fancies giving it a look. I also don't know how readily it's going to be available once it's finished...the contract promises me a DVD, but I don't know about online.

Anyway, I'll finish with the poster. It feels great to see the work they're putting into this, and hopefully the shoot will go well and I'll be able to see it soon!



P.S. The lesson I've learnt from this? All you need is the right script to be looked at by the right person at the right time.


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