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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Colliteral Damage - Produced! Moderators: bert
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  Author    Colliteral Damage - Produced!  (currently 6415 views)
Don
Posted: June 8th, 2010, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Colliteral Damage by Jon Barton (johnnyboy) - Short, Comedy - Most of us have to suffer for our art. Megan has to suffer for Eric's. 13 pages - pdf, format

+++++++++++++++++
10/16/2014 update

Finding Eric from Red Bandit Productions on Vimeo.

VICTORIA is excited to see ERIC again after a break until she realises he's not the man she thought he was. To complicate things, he's not sure who he is either.








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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 16th, 2014, 12:43pm
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cloroxmartini
Posted: June 8th, 2010, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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Took a little to get devoloped for me, but when it did, it all clicked. Could have more impact in a larger story, however you did well in capturing the waywardness of Eric and the patience, now wrung out, of Megan.
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dogglebe
Posted: June 8th, 2010, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
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It was an interesting read but I had some problems with it:

Why would Megan keep returning to Eric?  He has absolutely no redeeming qualities to him.  You need to show something positive about him.

You need to tighten up your dialog.  You have blocks of it that run fifteen lines long.  Way too long.  If you tighten this up, you can easily cut two or three pages from the script.

The ending fell kind of flat for me.  Having Megan leave the way she did just wasn't enough.

Hope this helps.


Phil
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Coding Herman
Posted: June 8th, 2010, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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The first thing I notice is: too many underlining. There were about 10 underlining in the dialogue. If you write the dialogue properly, the actors will know which word to emphasize.

But anyway, this was quite a fun read. Liked some of the dialogue and the character Eric sounds interesting. Would want to meet him.

The main problem is that for most of the script (at least 12 pages), it's two people sitting and talking, even in the flashbacks. So I'm not sure how it'd look on screen, maybe the dialogue is funny enough the audience won't mind.

The story is a bit on the thin side. The conflict is very one-sided as Megan is doing all the arguing and bitching. And since Eric is not that determined to be a writer anyway, this feels like a mother nagging until she's too fed up to speak. If Eric is as great an opposition as Megan, the story might get more interesting.

But overall, it's still enjoyable. Thanks.

Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 8th, 2010, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
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Is the title wrong on purpose?...or am I just stupid?  


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Coding Herman
Posted: June 8th, 2010, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, what is Colliteral?


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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screenrider
Posted: June 9th, 2010, 12:03am Report to Moderator
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JohnnyBoy,

I wasn't too keen on the wordplay in the title (co-literal) but other than that I really enjoyed it.  Who cares if Eric has no redeeming qualities.  He was so wrapped up in himself it was funny to watch (in my head)   You do need a better twist at the end, though.  It fell flat.   One last punchline or something.  Watch Mike Shelton's 180 before your next rewrite.  It might give you a few ideas.  Just a suggestion.  

Film this and put it on YouTube.  You'll get plenty of hits from the teen crowd.

Good job!


EDIT: Check out the info on this link concerning secondary sluglines.
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1275664855/
  


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Don  -  June 9th, 2010, 12:21am
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khamanna
Posted: June 9th, 2010, 1:45am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

just read it. I think it's very funny especially the part about the beret... and "where am I" "here I am" (sorry for paraphrasing)

The flashbacks worked.

The only thing I'd do - cut a little on Megan lines. Eric is more interesting I think, and I just wanted to skip her - she's so normal...
I'd also love another twist at the end - maybe Eric wanted her not to take him back... - just a suggestion.

Great job, I think. Very funny.
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JonnyBoy
Posted: June 9th, 2010, 6:47am Report to Moderator
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Yay, it's up! Thanks, Don. And thanks to all of you who read it. This was an idea I first had a year ago, took a vague pass at and then stuck in a drawer. I got bored of the script I was working on last week, dug this out...and here we are.

Some pretty common themes in the feedback, so I'll focus on those.

- The title: Yeah, it's wrong on purpose. it's a play on words, but perhaps not as clever as I thought it was! The relationship is the collateral damage of Eric's literary ambitions...so literary collateral damage = colliteral damage.

- Formatting issues: as far as the underlining goes, it's something I see done in pro scripts and right now I like it. Sorkin uses it in particular. I'll see if anyone else comments on it, but I do agree that a good actor would find the emphasis; it's more to aid the read. As for the secondary slugs - I'll have a look. Glad no-one commented on what Jeff would term unfilmables...hopefully it'll stay that way. Until Jeff turns up, of course.

- Dialogue: I know it could probably use a trim. In fact, it probably definitely could. I personally don't mind longer speeches onscreen, but I will definitely take the scissors to those parts and see what could be lost.

- Eric and Megan: yeah, I do think Eric could do with at least a moment of likeability. They are just kids, of course - if they were ten years older, I think it would be a lot harder to believe. I'm glad people seem to respond to Eric as a character, although I'm worried if people find Megan bitchy...I'll have to look at that. Not the intention.

- The ending: flat? Huh. I'll have a look at that. If that's how it comes across, then it obviously needs something more. I'll rustle something up for the rewrite.

Oh, and screenrider: I've read and commented on 180 - it's good, although the script's better than the finished film. I consider Mike to be really skilled at this type of script, so if it came to mind reading this then I'm going to take a positive from that!

Thanks for reading, all. I'll find returns for those of you I owe.


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JonnyBoy  -  June 9th, 2010, 9:51am
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Andrew
Posted: June 9th, 2010, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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Jon,

Better that I read this one here. Will be on 'APS' shortly. It's hard to comment on this one. On the one hand, this is easily - to my mind - the best demonstration of your writing yet. All the nuts and bolts are in place for you to now run free and write great stories, as learning the trade no longer applies. You know what the tools are, and you use them effectively. Dialogue was crisp. To the point and didn't feel flabby or unnecessary. Action was clear and well-written. On the other hand, the actual story here feels incomplete.  The stakes just didn't seem high enough - I am getting to know these people, you showed enough to pique the interest, but not enough to tell their story. I disagree that Eric was unlikeable. He is us. He's a wannabe until he's an "actualable" - yeah, I just created that. He dreams and he's selfish and he doesn't know what he wants. That makes him real. Why cheapen him and give him some likeable quality that detracts from a key point.

To me, this script is about the self-involvement of people and the contrast of those who support said people. Who can't relate to that. We're people, we suck. Eric seems painfully unaware of who he is, and this is what we as an audience and Megan enjoy mocking, but surely the irony is that it applies to most of us., There's more Eric in most people than they'd like to admit. Is that something you are thinking? Regards likeability,  if you look at a film like 'Closer', it works 'cos the characters are not likeable. You like them 'cos you know they're real - they're imperfection and 'us-ness' makes us like them. Mike Nichols brings that quality to his films and it's a recurrent theme. Just look at 'Regarding Henry' where an arsehole finds redemption. My favourite of his, 'Primary Colours' (yes, 'The Graduate does rock, I know) is full of unlikeable people. It's always amusing that so many people lampoon Hollywood for being passe and simple and yet adhere to its many formulas - thus advocating the same measures they find as sticks to knock over the head of 'corporate, soulless Hollywood'. So, digression aside, this piece is fine with real people. Is that what you were going for? I would say that perhaps Megan is too accommodating. I suspect that she has reasons for this, but you just haven't put it on the page.

This is a hunch, but would some of the content be quite personal? So, maybe some aspects of you or people close to you are found here? Reason I ask is that there felt a warmth in the material which usually comes from some form of personal experience.

This is good. To make it better, I would think upping the stakes and investment of the characters in the situation would achieve it, as well as making it longer. This didn't feel like an end to the story, but rather a tidying up of one element. Megan was about as sarcastic and annoyed as anyone would be, so I didn't think she came across as bitchy. I think you already have the answers as to why she pus up with it, but you just need to note it. The script is a bit one dimensional right now, as it's just Eric and Megan for 13 pages that is not enough. I think you recognised that with Barb but she's not important to situation, so she could easily be lost for someone else. Another character weaved into the fabric of their conflict would achieve that. I wouldn't go the route of cheating but something more refreshing. What is this story about, for you? Because it unravels at such a slow pace, it seems you have something much longer than 13 pages in mind, but sort of drew it to a close before we reached a natural conclusion. That, of course, depends on what you see the story as representing.


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jwent6688
Posted: June 9th, 2010, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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Jon, Gave this one a look. Some technical stuff first.

Don't get why you need another slug for the rear of the diner. She can obviously see him. They're in the same room. Pretty sure it's not needed.

"His voice has a dreamy, drawling quality. It’s nauseating." This quote from pg 1 is pretty much a contradion of itself. It is also you telling us he's a douche bag without letting us judge for ourselves.

There you are, here I am... that was good.

Some of these blocks of dialogue are really big. I think they might come off a little unrealistic on film. It takes longer to act them out then to read them. Would require some very charismatic characters.

I agree with the others that the ending could use a bit more snap in the lines. I also think there's an opportunity for Barb to deliver the last blow as if she were listening to their conversation. If Megan's last line was "Get a job." Then when Barb brings him some napkins she could say "Got an opening for a dishwasher, Fitzgerald" - Just an idea.

Overall I really liked this piece. I think you did good with it. Hope this helps you tighten up a bit.

James


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 9th, 2010, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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Uh oh...Jeff has found the script...and read the script.

Not much to say really.  There's very little here for a 12 page script.  It's literally 2 talking heads, with several brief flashback scenes with the guy wearing different funny outfits.  That's it.

I don't really see a story here.  I don't see an ending.  And based on that, not much to say.

Obviously, I don't like the asides, but I was much more distracted by the huge dialogue blocks.  I didn't really find the banter funny, either.  The flashback scenes were humorous, with the different outfits, but if these 2 are supposed to be High School students, it's kind of far fetched.  If they were older, it would work better, IMO, and be funnier.

Oh well, there you go...I have spoken.

PS  I don't get the title or any humor involved with it, sorry to say.
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JonnyBoy
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Hello you three. Thanks for the read.

Andrew: yeah, I think I now know how to write a screenplay. The next step is to write a good one! Thanks for the compliments on style, dialogue etc. I don't know if Eric has to be more likeable, but there has to be a more obvious reason why the two of them would be together. I think I can fix that in about an extra three lines, so I'll give it a shot.

No, it's not based on anything personal. I just had an idea about a writer who dumped his girlfriend to give himself some 'tragedy'. Then I thought about the kind of guy who would do that, and came up with Eric. Thanks for your comments on what needs changing - I'll think o'nt.

James: re: the slugs...dunno. Made sense to me, but it may well be wrong. The dialogue...yeah, it's too blocky. I'll look to cut back. Appreciate the lines you did enjoy. And the consensus seems to be that the ending needs a bit more, so I'll work on that. Thanks for the positive words, and appreciate the read.

Jeff: why, you little mother...(deep breath)...thank you for your feedback.


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tonkatough
Posted: June 17th, 2010, 4:32am Report to Moderator
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One thing I learnt from reading this is you're a masterstroke at writing about a Douchebag. Seriously this guy Eric was a real little prick but I'm guessing that was your intent.

I didn't feel satisfyed with this one. It was a lot of talking and build up to that one moment when Eric dumps his girl to gain a bit of tragedy, then we find out what a jerk Eric really is with some flash backs and then it just fizzles out with the clique thrown drink in the face routine and storm off. Not enough going on to deserve 13 pages, thats for sure. I suggest you make the dialouge more snappy and short, some quick witty back and forth banter to cut down that the number of pages. And seeing Megan is getting dumped, why not let her go out with a blaze of glory give Eric some spiteful payback. can't think of an example but there must be a much better way to say fuck you then with a simple throw drink in face.        


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JonnyBoy
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Okay, I think this is far enough along in the process that I can tentatively draw your collective attention to it. If it still all falls through...meh, it's happened to me before.

I got an email from a company called Red Bandit Productions (based in Australia) a few days after this script went up, telling me they wanted it for their next project. After a bit of negotiation I ended up signing an exclusivity agreement with them back in July, and didn't really hear anything for a few months.

Until this morning, in fact, telling me that the shoot starts next weekend. What they're shooting isn't really the script posted above; when they sent me the changes they wanted to make in July they'd switched the title, Megan's name and the characters' ages as well as altering the dialogue and story, and now looking at the cast list it's expanded to include a Homeless Guy, 15 school kids and 20 extras so who knows what it'll end up looking like!

But anyway, this is the first thing I've had produced and so I'm suitably excited. These guys' previous project is on IMDB so with a bit of luck this, and by extension I, might get on there too...hey, it's all progress, right? With this and 'It Gazes Back' on the way, I'm feeling pretty chuffed right now.

The blog, which has a cast list, crew list, and refers to me as a 'US based screenwriter' (I'm going to ask them to switch that, although that's what you get for pandering to America's dominance), is here: http://redbanditproductions.com/wp/. There'll be stills from the shoot and other updates, but I won't keep clogging up the portal by posting them; they'll be there if anyone ever fancies giving it a look. I also don't know how readily it's going to be available once it's finished...the contract promises me a DVD, but I don't know about online.

Anyway, I'll finish with the poster. It feels great to see the work they're putting into this, and hopefully the shoot will go well and I'll be able to see it soon!



P.S. The lesson I've learnt from this? All you need is the right script to be looked at by the right person at the right time.


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Dreamscale
Posted: November 12th, 2010, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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Congrats, JB!  Way to go!!!!
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Colkurtz8
Posted: November 24th, 2010, 6:03am Report to Moderator
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Jonny

Congratulations with getting this picked up, I hope the production is coming along.

I liked out you effectively described Eric and Megan within the first page, both in physical and contrasting body language profile without going in to too much detail. It was amusing and vivid, while setting up these personalities straight away for the reader.

MEGAN
You sound like you’re quoting
Wikipedia.

-- Guilty of it myself I must admit but excellent put down regardless.

ERIC
I found myself, Megan. I looked,
and I found myself. It was like,
"There you are!"

Eric points at himself with his left hand.

ERIC (CONTD.)
"Yes! Here I am!"

-- Ha ha, great pseudo intellectual babbling.

BARB (O.S.)
So what’ll it be?

-- Great double meaning interject here, well timed.

ERIC
So? They have spell-checkers now.
That’s the beauty of modern
technology - you don’t have to be
good at something to be successful
at it. Look at Kesha.

-- Painfully true in many walks of life and none more then the “entertainment” industry.

ERIC
I’m breaking up with you. I need
some tragedy, you see.

-- Possibly my favourite line of the piece, bravo!

Can’t say I’m a fan of the underlining dialogue technique for emphasis (prose not so much) but hey, it’s immaterial since you are getting it made.
Loved the flashbacks and the reveal that this is a regularly repeated thing for Eric to do, particularly the desert warfare marine notion. Also Eric’s noble reasons for not wanting to include Megan were comical, as if he’s the bigger man, the gentleman in not subjecting her to the trials and tribulations of his ever changing, fleeting vocation he decides to embark on…and then quickly change his mind.

I see criticism regarding the long blocks of text, I disagree. For me, most of the comedy, came from the character’s verbose ramblings. I took the long winded passages as a reflection on Eric’s ridiculously misguided hubris and Megan’s sheer frustration and bewilderment. Personally, I think the unwritten rule advising dialogue not to be over four lines is rather submissive and black and white to universally claim, as it all depends on the words spoken and if they work of not. Take Howard Beale’s rants in “Network”, possibly my favourite parts of the film and oft quoted yet if you read the script they sometimes encompass three pages but still make for riveting reading because its superbly written, that is what makes or breaks it, not the amount of space it takes up.

That ever present “why” a seemingly smart, level headed girl like Megan would even entertain a joker like Eric does raise the logic & plausibility argument but I get you were going for extreme polar opposites and deriving the laughs from that dynamic, and I think it worked quite well overall.

However, I do agree that the ending was a little tepid, I was expecting one last twist possibly with Eric showing us that he is is more then what we and Megan are led to believe or give him credit for. Perhaps he pulls a large manuscript out of his bag and begins working on it as if to give the impression he has already tackled his first “masterpiece” or maybe a quick phone call from a publisher or magazine expressing interest in a short story he has submitted prior. I know, pretty lame suggestion and it does go against everything you’ve set up regarding Eric’s character and his abilities. Nevertheless, I still think this would improve with a sting in the tail come the conclusion. Possibly work in a less then complimentary closing event for Megan as she leaves, something which undermines her dominance in the situation thus giving the hapless Eric the last laugh, nothing too serious or damning but coincidental and humorous.

Anyway, enough said, I definitely dug this as you can see by the number of excerpts I noted, very snappy, witty dialogue and colourful, diverse characters based around a bemusing situation. It had a surprising but wonderful energy and bounce to it for what would be coined a “talking heads” piece. Great to see stuff like this being appreciated and produced.

Good job.

Col.


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JonnyBoy
Posted: March 20th, 2011, 1:10am Report to Moderator
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Shameless bump because this is Script of the Day (which made me smile).

Unfortunately, the film version has been delayed to April / May. It's been in post-production since December; problems with outsourced work, apparently. Getting a nasty feeling it's going to fall at the final hurdle...hope I'm wrong. Especially since I've turned down other requests to shoot it in the meantime.

Anyway, hope anybody who might read this enjoys it. Bear in mind the rights have bene signed away so there's not much point in suggesting changes...but don't let that stop you.


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leitskev
Posted: March 20th, 2011, 8:57am Report to Moderator
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Cute story. There are a lot of Erics out there, we've all known them, maybe to some degree we've all been him. I actually had no problem in seeing why Meghan stays with him. And we all know she will take him back again. That's the part of the story that doesn't even need to be said. The fact that Eric is a naive dreamer who avoids growing up is part of what attracts her to him, though she may not know it. Eric is a character we have seen in American literature throughout the twentieth century, has become kind of an archetype. I can completely see where someone would want to film this.
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JonnyBoy
Posted: September 26th, 2011, 8:34am Report to Moderator
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Just to let y'all know the DVD of this arrived today. It's finally finished! And it's actually turned out great. They were always open that they'd made alterations to the script, but there's still a lot of my stuff in there, the characters are what I had in mind and obviously the original idea was mine. The cinematography and sound are absolutely flawless, and the actors are really good.

The film's been submitted to festivals so it's not mine to share, but here's a sneaky screenshot I took with my phone:



Seeing Eric's costume realised is particularly exciting - it's EXACTLY what I wrote. And I do own a beret just like that! Not that he's based on me. At all.

If the film becomes publicly share-able I'll be sure to post the link. Just waiting to hear if it makes festivals now!


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 26th, 2011, 9:05am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jon,

Congrats on the production credit!
A one location shoot and a decent scenario.
I can see why this one got picked up.
Good for you, look forward to seeing the final cut.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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Hey JB, new to this site so hadn't seen the script before.  Well done on having this filmed, must feel good.

It seems to me that anything that's been picked up deserves a read as it appealed to someone.

I enjoyed the script and can understand the  feedback from the SS readers but as this has now been produced the most interesting part to me is to see what they changed and try and understand why. Must be something to learn.

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Good job JB! From the screen shot this looks like a big production. Hope to be able to view this soon as it makes its festival run. Good job. That whould net you an IMBD credit as a writer. Good place to start.

James


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Thanks, guys. Majorly chuffed with it.


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JonnyBoy
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Hey all, for those of you who aren't friends with me on the Facebook I thought I'd share it here, too: 'Finding Eric' had its World Premiere on Friday, October 21st at the Lucerne International Film Festival, Switzerland.

http://www.lucernefilmfestival.....21/96/-/finding-eric


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I was talking to an indie director the other day and he mentioned that the most difficult restaurant location to find is a coffee shop.

They never close.  When are they going to let you in to film cheap or free?

Taverns, yes.  Pizza joint, yes.  Coffee shop, good luck.


Your comments welcome on:  GOD GETS FIRED.  Comedy, 89 pages.  Humans are such a failure that God loses his job.  Worse, his ex-wife is appointed to oversee Earth’s destruction.  Luckily, God has a plan…but it’s not about saving us.  It’s about winning her back.

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/GodGetsFired.pdf
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 17th, 2011, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Quoted from JonnyBoy
Hey all, for those of you who aren't friends with me on the Facebook I thought I'd share it here, too: 'Finding Eric' had its World Premiere on Friday, October 21st at the Lucerne International Film Festival, Switzerland.

http://www.lucernefilmfestival.....21/96/-/finding-eric


You go! You international film maven!

It's supremely amusing where "Finding Eric" showed up in the schedule.
Right between "Why Does God Hate Me" & "Quik Fix".
Big time congrats! Let us know when and where we can see the finished product.
Now, get on a plane and impress all those Swiss Misses with your film bling!

Cheers,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 17th, 2011, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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I like the phrase..... "world premiere".

I trust you have the credit for writing?

Well done.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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JonnyBoy
Posted: March 12th, 2012, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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Heard a couple of days ago that Finding Eric is an Official Selection at the Skepto International Film festival in Cagliari, Italy. It'll screen March 31st!

http://www.skepto.net/submission/finding-eric


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JonnyBoy
Posted: October 15th, 2014, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hi peeps, sorry to resurrect a thread that's been dead for two years BUT --

After countless emails to the production company that shot this (with the new title Finding Eric) asking them to upload the film online - they sent me a DVD originally - I eventually gave up. But now I see they posted it to Vimeo a month ago! Which makes me very happy.

So here it is. What happened was they read the script, emailled me asking for the rights, and then sent me a version with their rewrites (not for approval, really just for courtesy). The ending's different and when Victoria gets emotional that's not what I'd had in mind at all - actually, reading along they paraphrased a fair few of the lines, too - but it's fascinating to see how things evolve when it gets in the hands of others.

Anyway, this played in a few festivals in Europe in 2012. I think it turned out well. It's 10 minutes so I totally understand if no-one has the time, but if you do watch it, hope you enjoy.

Finding Eric from Red Bandit Productions on Vimeo.



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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 15th, 2014, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah she getting emotional struck me as odd too. Despite good acting it was off contextually, IMO. Nicely shot film. Everything good right down to the incidentals which drew me into a comedy-type feel. I think that's why her overly-emotional response was wrong. Have to blame the director for that really.

I think the emotion could have worked if tinted with irony hinting at her own neurosis. Not too much, just enough so that we notice it in retrospect. That would give the twist a little more impact. As it is it kinda falls flat.

They should have asked you to do the rewrite.

Good stuff though mate, good luck on getting some more of your work made.
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Athenian
Posted: October 16th, 2014, 8:03am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
They should have asked you to do the rewrite.


Until the end, I thought their rewrite was pretty good. With that twist though, they should have made more changes. Why e.g. was the guy reappearing in the girl's life if he was trying to break up with her? It doesn't make sense.

A decent short film though, with talented actors.
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Colkurtz8
Posted: October 16th, 2014, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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This was decent, I liked the cutaways to the beret wearing classroom and the guy bumming money so he can buy Eric's book. The acting was strong although it seemed like Megan was on the verge of cracking up numerous times. I guess half of that was down to the bizarre situation and, in some ways, it complimented her character's reactions to Eric's absurdity. Plus it kept the tone light and tongue in cheek which is what you want.

However, her emotionally heartfelt scene at the end jarred because of the that. Things got way too serious for a moment, totally out of step with the what had come before. It was actually a good performance its just felt like it was from a different film...but to the filmmaker's credit, I felt they rescued it with the altered ending. The film's return to levity after Megan's earnest outpouring was sorely needed and it delivered.

I think it would be kind of missing point to highlight the ridiculousness of Eric's elaborate plan to get rid of her as the short itself resides very much in planet ridiculous. At least that was the tone I got from reading the script so I thought the ending worked well.


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Heretic
Posted: October 16th, 2014, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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Wasn't a fan of the ending at all -- made me wonder if the director wanted a little revenge on some ex-girlfriend who once had a similar opinion of him...

Really liked the first nine-ish minutes, though. Consistently funny and totally enjoyable to watch, which is pretty impressive for a low-budget short with two people sitting and talking. Definitely a testament to the writing.

Awesome work Jon!
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JonnyBoy
Posted: October 16th, 2014, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for watching, all! I'm delighted with how well produced it is, and think both Eric and Victoria did a great job.

Col - yeah, I like the additions too, good ideas. It was years ago that I wrote it (urgh), but I think I was conscious of keeping it as simple - and cheap - as possible, settings-wise, to help its chances of being picked up. So naturally very pleased the filmmakers went to the added trouble of finding locations and actors that the original script didn't even call for!


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Demento
Posted: October 16th, 2014, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
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Good job. Wasn't too big of a fan of some of the shots used but it looks like they put some effort into making it look nice.
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