I think this worked pretty well, and even moreso given the fact that it was written in a short amount of time.

A little on the fence about the disease, like others.  It just seemed to come off as random and out of nowhere.  Maybe that was the point.

Anyway, given the restraints you had to work with, I think you ultimately succeeded.

I thought this was good and all in five hours.  Great stuff.

I actually stopped half-way through to research dementia and the ages and various names given to it and what is and what isn't dementia.

It was a quick & easy read.

All the best,


Javier

Just read this one. Didn't know you sent it to him. By the time I had finished mine he had already posted on the boards that he had found a script.

I was a bit confused by this one to be honest. Did I get this straight or did I miss the whole story?

Colin Harrison used to be a doctor. His daughter Emily died of AIDS. He goes insane and is committed to a mental hospital after not being able to save her life. He didn't find out until it was too late. If that's the case, I don't think they were very close. You may want to expand on their relationship a little more.

At the mental ward there is another young female patient dying. She has no family so he decides he's going to be there for her to make up for what he didn't do for Emily.

Did I get it right?

Not bad, but I think there are definitely a few things that you need to clear up for it to make more sense.

Nit picking, but I would lose the word is in the very first paragraph. That's just me though.  

Thanks for the reads Mike, Jayrex and Pia.

Pia, without getting too deeply into facts, Colin felt powerless, and one aspect of his daughter's disease haunted him - the physical manifestation of the suffering in the screams - and drove him mad.

I say that about the facts because I left a lot of it ambiguous on purpose, since I thought a director was going to pick the ball up right away. For example, is everything that happens to him outside of the psychiatrist's office really real? Is it really the medicine that cures us, or is it the power of redemption?

I thought a good director could blur the lines enough.

Anthony

Hey AJ

Not much to say here.  Have to agree for only a few hours this was a very good effort.  I try not to read too much into shorts... so I think it played out the way you wanted it for the most part.

Good Job

Ghost

Thanks for the read ghost - glad you liked it.

Anthony

Hey Anthony,

I found the transitions a little confusing, but when I read that you put this together in just 5 hours, all that went out the window.  Taking that into consideration, I thought you did a terrific job.  

My one gripe, as other have also mentioned was the reference to the daughter dieing of AIDS.  For my money, I felt like you could have just left that tidbit out all together and left it up to the audience to try and determine what she died from.  Either way, we know Harrison blames himself for not saving her.

That said, I thought this actually finished very strongly.  The last two pages or so with the Angel of Mercy definetly worked for me.  Good stuff.

Anyway, best of luck.

Craig

Thanks for the read Craig, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

As for the reveal, I struggled with it, but then I thought that the audience should know the genesis of the dementia. I figured it would be more of a question why a young girl would exhibit these symptoms if it wasn't stated.

Thanks again - Anthony

Aj,

For five hours, nice work. Though the script was confusing to me. Especially when the young nurses dialogue is (V.O.) when she says "Angel of mercy". Thought you were heading somewhere with that. If you did, I missed it.

From previous comments, I've gotten what most of this was about, I think. You should have given the female patient a name IMO. I thought it was Emily all the time. On film this would be easy to discern. As a read, made it harder to figure out where you were going.

Nice, clean writing as always.

James

Thanks for the read, jwent - actually the (V.O.) is a mistake and it should be (O.S.) - I wanted the camera squarely on Colin for his reaction while the nurse says the line - nice catch there.

I'll probably go back and expand this and look at things that everyone's mentioned now that the deadline doesn't apply. Thanks again,

Anthony

Anthony

This musta passed me by when you posted it.

Not a bad job here, well written, nicely structured and good use of V.O. The mix between drama, tragedy and the minor horror element of the reoccurring scream was an interesting blend with a well chosen conclusion to wrap things up with a feeling of hope. It would’ve been easier to go down the bad ending route but you inserted an almost enchanting finish to this that if handled the wrong way would’ve came off manipulative and mawkish but you restrained yourself just about (maybe cut down Colin’s repeating tearing up just a tad) to keep things at the right balance,.

I kinda figured that Emily was more than just another patient and when it was revealed that she was his daughter I wasn’t all that surprised but I get that wasn’t the point here.

One query I’d have with it is that Colin feels all this remorse and regret about not being there for Emily without an explanation as to why. Even Sheila has to remind him that it was AIDS, he could do nothing about it. I understand that once a person contracts HIV that it will invariably lead to full blown AIDS at some point and unfortunately there is fu?k all medically you can do about that the current time.  That’s not to say HIV suffers can’t lead full lives but you know, there’s always that ever present threat.

People blame themselves for all types of things when a loved one dies in tragic circumstances “I coulda done this and I shoulda done that” etc but here, as far as the script tells us, it really doesn’t seem like Colin can be held accountable. On top of that, and not to be a prick, from the details given its Emily who should be shouldering most of the responsibility unless of course she contracted through a hospital’s negligence (blood transfusion or contaminated syringes) but I doubt that’s the case or you would’ve alluded to it in the script. So, my overall reaction is why is Colin so hard on himself given the circumstances of Emily’s disease, it just doesn’t feel warranted.

Maybe think about an alternative illness that Emily could contract, something which could’ve been cured but Colin’s incompetence or whatever allowed it to take his daughter away from him then we could really engage with Colin’s pain. As it is, I’m like “Don’t be so hard on yourself, man, (forgive the presumptions here) but your daughter knew the dangers she was facing when she abused whatever she abused .


Just some suggestions in regards the writing

Pg 1 - "DR. COLIN HARRISON (50’s) stands outside a room. Dread is
etched on his face."

-- It might read better to replave the full stop with a comma and take out "is" i.e. "DR. COLIN HARRISON (50’s) stands outside a room, dread
etched on his face."

"Dr. Harrison shakes his head "no"."

Pg 4 - "Dr. Harrison violently shakes his head "no"."

-- I see this a lot in scripts (I was reading the Jackie Brown script recently and saw the same thing) and really don't understand why the need to include "no". Isn't the action of shaking one's head indication enough of your response to a question? Shake for no, nod for yes, right...or am I missing something?

Try to excise the use of "and" as much as you can in the prose.

Pg 6 - YOUNG NURSE (CONT’D)
Why don’t you go in and sit with
her?

-- She has some cheek! Only in the door five minutes and she's tellin' a senior doctor what to do...get the fu?k!

Oh and learning that this was written in a short space of time and needed to adhere to location and subject limitations makes it all the more admirable. Kudos.

Col.

Thanks for the read and for the detailed notes Col - we can always count on you for some detailed analysis, and it's very much appreciated.

As for Colin, this was more about theme for me - survivor's guilt, madness and redemption - something I had to throw together quickly obviously given the constraints of the producer at the time - and I know that the dementia associated with some AIDS victims is particularly horrendous.

So I imagined him being haunted by his daughter's screams for help, regardless of if he in reality had a chance to save her. Physicians are arrogant to the point of bestowing godlike prowess upon themselves, so it's likely that Colin thought in some way that Emily's fate would not be like the others, since he was a powerful man.

Thanks again - Anthony

Quoted from ajr As for Colin, this was more about theme for me - survivor's guilt, madness and redemption So I imagined him being haunted by his daughter's screams for help, regardless of if he in reality had a chance to save her. Physicians are arrogant to the point of bestowing godlike prowess upon themselves, so it's likely that Colin thought in some way that Emily's fate would not be like the others, since he was a powerful man.

-- Yeah, I get where you're coming from. Once again, good job with this.

Hey Anthony,

I like the main conflict here. Pretty strong. Impressive work for five hours (I couldn't write a short in five hours even if my life depended on it).

I think there's room for improvement. My main problem with this is the way the exposition is handled (i.e. The shrink asks the quetions, and the patient answers.)

It gets the job done, no doubt. But I would suggest something more subtle, less on the nose so to speak.

A couple of small things:

Agreed about other posters about her disease. I would suggest going with some kind of fatal mental/brain disease instead of AIDS. Something that could justify all that crazy screaming.

Harrison and Winters being colleagues could be considered an impediment to their doctor patient relationship. You might want to research this to be sure, but I *think* that shrinks don't/can't take patients they know; it's not good for the treatment.

Anyhow, strong stuff for something being written on the fly.