Hey James,

I thought this was a cute little script, but some parts worked more for me than others.  I laughed out loud at the guy's quip about moths flying out of the chicks purse.  I think we've all been there and can relate.

As far as the whole social networking angle, I think it's a good one, and one that we will be seeing more of in the future.  Although I'm not sure that I will see it, the coming attraction for the Facebook movie did look interesting.  It's funny, because my mother recently joined facebook, and I've already been on the receiving end of some raised eyebrows regarding my use of language.  Haha, well what can I say, the world is changing.

With regard to your script, as I said, I enjoyed it, but in the end it was simply a send up of a social phenomena.  Nothing worng with that per se, but I thought it hinged too much on the whole facebook thing.  I'd like to see you add more of a story here if I may be so bold.  That said, I realize that you were looking to do something low budget and that can sometimes affect our overall story.

Also, I've been off the market for a while, but I realize that the whole 3 dates things is when things are supposed to go to another level, but why not make it 5 dates or something a little longer.  I mean, although I enjoyed the moth line, I don't think I would get too peeved about having to pay for three dates.  Five or six on the other hand when all I've gotten in return are a few pecks on the cheek and we are talking a different story.

Anyway, nice attempt, and look forward to reading more.  Beast of luck.

Craig

Hi  James!

Basically a two talking header with potential. Easy to film, yeah, but it's been done. This was okay for me until I read the last  two words. Right on.

I liked the description phrases you used "leans in" and '"forks in mid air" were good. I took the phrase "moths flying out of her purse" as a double entendre. I laughed!

I think the story may have had more impact if it had started out with both parties secretly messaging their friends about their date before it was over (that's another reason he was in the bathroom). it might be funnier if they also read about the date before it's over too. A duel in cyberspace and reality. One way to go. Spice it up some from the git go.

Gary

Quoted from Craiger6 It's funny, because my mother recently joined facebook, and I've already been on the receiving end of some raised eyebrows regarding my use of language.  Haha, well what can I say, the world is changing.

First rule of Facebook, never friend your mom. I refuse to. She'd die @ some of the shit I've said on there.

Quoted from Craiger6 I'd like to see you add more of a story here if I may be so bold.  That said, I realize that you were looking to do something low budget and that can sometimes affect our overall story.

Was just trying to create an angle whereas social networking ruins a relationship before it even starts. This could be bolder though. Just wanted to keep it short.

Quoted from Craiger6 Also, I've been off the market for a while, but I realize that the whole 3 dates things is when things are supposed to go to another level, but why not make it 5 dates or something a little longer.

Depends on how expensive your date is. I've been on some. Have to sit in my house eating rice cakes waiting for my next paycheck. All for a peck noneteless.

Thanks for reading. Glad you enjoyed it mostly.

James

Gary,

As always thanks for reading. This does lack some punch. Got a real good review somewhere else, though I'd try it here.

Your input would work great if i venture to make this longer. I always feel the closer you get the the 10 page mark, you need to have a good twist. Couldn't think of one here. I think this would make a nice situational short for a couple of aspiring actors. Nothing more. Thanks for reading...

James

J,

Liked this one for what it was.  Nice and light, but lacking any payoff at the end.  Format was clean and the pages looked good.  As someone already pointed out, it seemed that Jim just got too angry too quickly at Amanda for merely suggesting they change their Facebook status.  Maybe if amanda had done something to really piss off Jim, it would strengthen the story.  At the beginning, Amanda is doing nothing but sitting by herself while jim is at the bathroom.  What if Jim had left his blackberry at the table and Amanda comes up with the bright idea to go into his Facebook account and change his status to "relationship."  And she does the same on her account.  Then she announces the big change when he gets back.  Jim would have a reason for gettin' steamed.  

From there, you could turn it into a Facebook battle as they each wield their blackberries and start changing all kinds of shitt in their accounts.  As for the ending, whatever twist you come up with should mock the whole Facebook phenom, IMO.  Nothing pops into my head right now.

I think you're on to something with this, you just need to dig deeper and really go after Facebook.

Ryan

Ryan,

Thanks for reading. Knew there wouldn't be much payoff. The way you suggested...
Could vere off in a thousand different directions with that start. I like it.

Was just trying to keep this reaallly short. Prolly isnt enough on its own that way. Gonna try to come off with a twist for it, and yes, Jim does get pissed off too easily. I just viewed at as sexual frustration and he just paid for a third dinner and will be going home unsatisfied again.

James

James

I liked this, what I would call a "dialogue" or "scene" as opposed to an actual "short" but either way it made me smile. I'm on Facebook for a while now but I would classify myself as one of those rarely posting, always wary (like Jeff) reluctant members of the said phenomenon and condescend oh so grandly to those who live on the fu?kin' thing. People say the stupidest sh?t on there, particularly on their thought of the day or quote thing beside their name at the top of the page, man it drives me nuts.

Anyway, I’ve gone off point, I found this to be well written, witty and of course very topical. Came off as something Woody Allen could've written by in the 70s if FB had been around, full of biting sarcasm and cynical undertones. For a five pager you constructed a snappy back and forth rapport between the two which had me nodding along with familiarity.

Nice job.

Col.

Thanks for reading Col.

I think I may be a bit more familiar with FB then most on this site. I don't post shit like "Heading to the gym now." Which nobody gives a fuck about. But i actually did end a relationship early over a very similar fight. So I thought this was funny. Probably moreso to me then anyone.

Glad you liked it. It does border on not being a complete story. Really only a beginning, middle, then punch line.

James

In my view, you need to make this much tighter. The first Facebook gag made me chuckle and I think you could and should cut everything leading up to it!

Unfortunately, the last Facebook gag (the punchline) felt a little flat and needs to be reworked. Maybe have the Waiter come up with a funny line?

Hey James,

Yeah, I could actually see this argument happening in real life with a couple.  As for the story, it wasn't bad at all and I actually did think it was cute.  I had a smile on my face at the end of the story, so you did a good job of putting a little bit of cheer into my day.

True, this may just be only a 'scene' and only part of a story, not an actual story itself, but it was good for what it was.

Myself, I've never even visited FaceBook and really have no interest to.  Besides, it would probably just cut into my SimplyScripts time.  :-)

Not bad work, though.

-  Mark

Rolo, Thanks for reading.

Quoted from rolo The first Facebook gag made me chuckle and I think you could and should cut everything leading up to it!

Don't quite get what you mean. The short should start out with her saying they should change their status to "In a Relationship"?? That chases all the humor in the first punch away for me. She says it at the top of pag two. Anyways, glad you got a chuckle.

rc1107,

Thanks for reading. Glad you liked it for what it is. I admit, not much. Just a simple scene.

I deliberately wrote this to see if someone would film it. It doesn't get any easier. I've already been contacted and gave one director the go ahead. We'll see if it pans out.

As i said, wasn't trying to do anything earth shattering. Just a quick, fun scene IMO.

James

That was pretty cool. A vehicle to get those one liners on about Facebook and relationships.

Thanks for reading Clorox. Glad you thought it was cool. It is what it is. Just a fight in a restaraunt. May make a funny little film with some decent acting. Thanks again..

James

Hi James,

It was a breezy read for me. Some good dialogue in there. A situation that I think could happen quite frequently.

However, it was more like a scene. Girl and guy argue, girl leaves.

What they're talking is intriguing, but the ending falls flat. The punch lacks zip.

I'm not sure if you want to expand this, because if your intention is to dramatize that scene, then it works the way it is.


Herman

CH,

This is the worst script I've ever posted here. I wrote it over a cup of coffee. For one reason. Somthing easy to film.

It's getting filmed this wedsneday. According to the producer. It's easy to tear apart, yet easy to film. In light of the "Social Network" movie coming out it is timely appropriate.

I see you did a 7WC. I will read the first ten pages tomorrow. If they're good, I'll continue. If not, I'll tell you why.

Thanks for reading.

James

I liked this alot - prob one of the best I'ev read here in along time. Usually, talking heads don't appeal to me, but this was interesting, funny and had a ring of truth to it. Thumbs up.