Gabriel,

I hate to report that this didn't do a whole lot for me.  I've seen the angel/devil (good/bad) scenario played out a lot of times (especially in short films) and this didn't really add anything.  I feel like, if you're going to tackle something like this, you should do something different and not the standard black v. white costumes.  Maybe make the supposed evil one good?  Or something else, I guess I just don't know what.

The ending also just came off as too slapstick for my tastes, especially after Matthew blows his brains out.  I know it was your intent to switch it up drastically - produce a bigger laugh - but it didn't work for me.

Random Notes

p.1 - The very first line of the script comes off as clunky/awkward.

p.1 - "Dressed heavily" - I feel like there's a better way of saying that.

No other notes besides that.

-Matt

Hey Dressel

Thanks for the read. This is an old draft. I wrote a new draft and changed the ending. I made it more serious.  I haven't submitted the new one yet since I like this draft.

What I wanted to do was establish Alexander as a character since I will be using him in another script. I was dealing with something cliche but still I'm proud of this nevertheless. It was a old script of mine I drudged up and fixed.  

Gabe

Alright, I'm going to write about this even though it was posted a while ago.  It might not be something out of the box, but it is still refreshing compared to the other stuff that I have read on here.  Matthew's battle with good and evil was great, I was hooked.  However, I couldn't stand the ending.  It ended too quick, something better could have happened.  I didn't like Alexander going back to Lucifer at the end either.  Even though he is Alexander's "employer", it still felt out of place to me for this story.

Thanks Branzig for the review,

The idea's cliche but I felt like something I needed to write it nevertheless.

In regards to the ending, it was a nod to a another script I wrote on here for Soulshadows and hint a possible sequel (I"m working on it in brainstorming phase). Also, I wanted to show how evil is (they ruin people's lives for their own living, I'm aware it's cliche.)

Let me know if you have something up so I can return the favor.

Gabe

Hi Gabe,

In line with a few comments I fear that the good/bad, White/dark thing has been well rehearsed by others. Having said that I did like the three way dynamics, or should I say the potential of this as it is actually a pull between two forces.

At the end I had one thought which I offer. In essence the existence of good/bad of course depends on the existence of the other. Take one away and they both go. Accordingly, whilst there is a competition between them I wonder whether there could a dynamic in which they are effectively in the same organisation. One takes the White door the other the black door, but under one roof. Like managers competing in the same firm.

Neither can afford for one of them to win all the time, therefore they are secretly pleased when the other wins if it balances it all.

I'll stop waffling now. All the best. RD

Thanks for the review Reef Dreamer

I understand what you are saying. I was thinking of something along those in lines for a  feature I had planned to write in the past. Maybe I'll go back once I'm done with the current one.  

Anyway, in regards to the short, I kept it simple and wrote what came to me. It's cliche but I like it. lol.

Thanks again.

Gabe  

Hey, Gabe,

The story was ok for me except that it runs too straight. I really expected a final twist, a paradox, or something fresh in the end, but saw none. It seems the share of cliche and predictability is too high.

Good luck!

Tim

Thanks Timoff

In this piece I was simply trying to tell a straightforward story. This was a practice script.  

Thanks again,

Gabe

Hey Gabriel,

This is a good take on somebody’s conscience.  Should Matthew follow good or evil to get out of his financial predicament?  

It’s well written in most parts but felt you should have ended it when Matthew shot himself, gives the story a more dramatic ending IMO.

I thought the flashback scene was unnecessary and I had to reread the robbery scene a few times so maybe that could be a bit clearer.

I think you created some strong characters, Alexander being the strongest  in amongst the three main characters.

Overall this a good read with an intriguing plot.

Good job and keep writing.

Steve

Alright Guys

I am pleased to announce the Kickstarter link:

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/490896990/the-art-of-persuasion

Funny little story. I was goggling this online for a while and didn't find it. lol. But thanks to my investigative skills, I did.  

I'm so happy! Tears of joy.

Gabe

Hey Gabe

I figured I would read the script before I donated $5000

This was pretty well written and should be interesting to see it portrayed on screen. The good vs evil scenario, I thought was captured well.

Good job Gabe, I look forward to seeing it.

Mark

Thanks Mark

Don't be playing like that Mark! lol. Those words hurt people's feelings. lol.

This is my baby. It has two subjects I've always been interesting in. One, angels and demons. Two, something relevant: this shitty economy.

I left this on a possible sequel continuance so, hopefully everything turns out well.

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

I liked the sound of your premise -- very tried and true -- so I decided to check this out. Honestly, I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm guessing it was supposed to be a black comedy/satire, in which case I think it was... okay. I wasn't a big fan of Alexander's dialogue or the ending but in that context, it seems copacetic regardless of whether or not it's to my liking. As something else entirely, I don't think it worked very well at all.

I think Matthew's situation is kind of underdeveloped. I mean, all I know is that he has a kid and needs money and that presumably he's tried to get a job. I'd like to see more than that. As of now, it seems like we're just supposed to go with the situation given the theme of the story. I don't think that's enough.

Also, I honestly have a hard time wrapping my head around a guy in his early 20s resorting to crime before asking for money from his family. Late 20s or early 30s seems a little more plausible. I think shame would play a bigger factor then. But if a guy's desperate, it might be an easier pill to swallow if this guy's just starting his life as far as would-be money lenders are considered. I'd think about raising his age.

One thing I definitely didn't like was Gabriella's dialogue. It reads like it was written deliberately and solely to denigrate any other stance on this situation. Way too self-aware. The character wouldn't say the lines otherwise and if your shooting for social commentary, dialogue like this completely buries any potential for that because it makes the whole thing a one-sided argument.

Regardless, I think the idea has potential. Just could use some tweaking. Not sure if my review means much if this does in fact go into production (wish you the best, BTW) but figured I'd throw my two cents out there regardless.

Hey James

It's been a while. How's everything?

Thanks for taking a dump on my baby.  

lol! I'm joking.   

It's cool. As with everything, there's going to some people that are not going to enjoy some elements. I can dig it. And you weren't all that negative.

As I mentioned to Mark, I've always had a thing for angels and demons. All I needed was a situation to put them in. Thus, this shitty economy.

This was intended for a Twillight Zone/Reaper series I had in mind of creating. The supernatural element, mixed with some emotion,  and a touch of studying a topic (Why do people do stupid shit? lol).  I still have plans in doing that. It's just taking long to do so. lol.    

The age. Due to the crappy economy, I think it can safely be said that it affects the young people as well. Especially in Matthew's case, he has a baby.  

Gabriella's dialogue. First, she's an angel so, on that basis alone she's right. lol. And second, she's going against a demon she's battled against before; it reinforces the first one.

Furthermore, I wanted her delivery to be tantamount to what a family member or a close friend might say. Granted people's delivery are different, nevertheless I've received this type of delivery before. So, as the old adage goes, I'll stick to what I know.      

Thanks again James

Let me know if you want something read. I'm always down.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley The age. Due to the crappy economy, I think it can safely be said that it affects the young people as well. Especially in Matthew's case, he has a baby.

Man, oh man, do I know the economy affects young people. Believe me. What I was getting at with the age is how Matthew immediately resorts to crime. Of course, other avenues for getting money are difficult or long and drawn out but as it turns out, his family gives him money. It seems it wouldn't have hurt to ask if only to avoid resorting to crime. I don't know... writing this, it seems like this is just a personal gripe but I still feel like Matthew'd have less pride to swallow asking for money being a younger guy than having to admit he's spent the better part of a decade (or more) slogging it out and still coming up short (as someone in their 30s would. Just seems very pigheaded.

Also, why doesn't Sarah tell Matthew about getting the money? Seems like the last thing you would want to sit on if you and your spouse've got debts and whatnot.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Gabriella's dialogue. First, she's an angel so, on that basis alone she's right. lol. And second, she's going against a demon she's battled against before; it reinforces the first one. Furthermore, I wanted her delivery to be tantamount to what a family member or a close friend might say. Granted people's delivery are different, nevertheless I've received this type of delivery before. So, as the old adage goes, I'll stick to what I know.

I admittedly made a huge mistake with Gabriella's dialogue. I actually thought this was coming from the angel character:

Quoted Text Go back to job hunting, Matthew. In this tough economical time where businesses are laying off, you have a great shot of nailing a job like the million others. Or ask your family or girlfriend’s family who are barely making enough money to sustain themselves to lend you. Or go begging in the streets, I hear people are generous.

Apparently not. That's what happens when you read scripts at 1 in the morning, I guess. Anyway, forget that one.

Happy to help.