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"Smoke bellows aimlessly towards the ceiling before its wafted this way and that, by an overheard fan."
Should be IT'S.
Others pointed out other errors of this type.
As you have mentioned yourself, Sandy was more of a prop than a reporter. I think the problem is that you wanted her to be competent and not know what this guy was talking about. Perhaps she's scatterbrained and unintentionally would botch the interview if George didn't WANT to tell the story. Maybe she suffers from OCD (she could put out 3 recorders and have 2 notepads - deathly afraid of missing anything). Give her something where she adds to the piece. I always had the impression that George wanted to tell this story, so it doesn't matter what she does or says. Maybe she's interviewing him about something else? Just some thoughts there.
The notepad, digital recorder and camera thing is a non-issue. Camera records for the show. Notepad is to jot notes during interview. Digital recorder is there so she can re-listen to his responses in prep for the narration without having to go into the editing booth.
George was great. I have nothing to add about his character. Wonderfully written.
The ending... I was waiting for some kind of twist, but I really just had the impression that the ending backed-up everything George had said; therefore, I felt like it was kind of flat. This might play better if you allude to something about Fidel to indicate that he was actually playing the CIA. I don't know what that would be. Here is George who thinks he knows everything and that the CIA has really asserted their will over a dictator, but with some ironic twist, it was Fidel that played and asserted HIS will over the CIA. Again, just a thought.
I liked this. I think it could use some polish, but the style was nice and easy to read. The premise was interesting.
Regarding the talking heads - it works okay, but Sandy does need a recharge. Maybe even change the setting. Put it at a little league baseball game where George is rooting on his grandchild or something.
My bad for not getting back to you on your feedback. I've been checking the site from time to time the past couple of months, but I haven't logged on up until a couple of weeks ago. I must have missed your post. Again, sorry for not getting back sooner as I hate when I make a comment and never hear from the author, so my apologies.
Anyway, yeah Sandy continues to be a low point for most readers, and this writer (ha). I'm glad you liked George though as I had fun writing him.
Interesting idea about the ending. Some have found it a bit treachly, but at the time, I felt like that was the way to go. Then again, I think your idea might add a different twist.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read and I'm glad you enjoyed it for the most part. And again, sorry for not getting back sooner. Thanks again.
I read this script when it first came out, but never commented. While it's near the top of the portal I just wanted to say although the concept didn't really grab me, the script itself is masterfully written. So good that it makes me slightly jealous. You've got a way with words. Nice work.
My man Craig this is Va productions coming in with a review for you.
Now I must say this is the weirdest conspiracy short story I've read yet on this site. This story doesn't seem to be about baseball at all. But yet is either a metaphor or an allegory for something else. Something else= A secret , A disguise, A cover up the etcs.... I also understand that Fidel Castro seem to know to much about this something else. And for this reason they made him sick in which you didn't indicate but the question is was Fidel really sick of baseball. Maybe it was that something else he figured out. But at the same time he still loved that something else. But he seemed to be a threat at the same time.
Now I dont know if Im close to your meaning of this story or not.
But regardless of that. I will rate this a 5 out 10 based on the straight shot story here. And a 9 for conspiracy.
I read this script when it first came out, but never commented. While it's near the top of the portal I just wanted to say although the concept didn't really grab me, the script itself is masterfully written. So good that it makes me slightly jealous. You've got a way with words. Nice work.
My man Craig this is Va productions coming in with a review for you.
Now I must say this is the weirdest conspiracy short story I've read yet on this site. This story doesn't seem to be about baseball at all. But yet is either a metaphor or an allegory for something else. Something else= A secret , A disguise, A cover up the etcs.... I also understand that Fidel Castro seem to know to much about this something else. And for this reason they made him sick in which you didn't indicate but the question is was Fidel really sick of baseball. Maybe it was that something else he figured out. But at the same time he still loved that something else. But he seemed to be a threat at the same time.
Now I dont know if Im close to your meaning of this story or not.
But regardless of that. I will rate this a 5 out 10 based on the straight shot story here. And a 9 for conspiracy.
Hi VAP,
Thanks for the read, dude. As far as Castro being sick, well, he's 86 and smoked a ton of cigars, so no conspiracy theory neeeded there as far as his health!
Anyway, glad you liked the other aspects of the conspiracy theory. Thanks for the read.
I actually had to go online to see did Castro ever have tryouts for any MLB teams, obviously this shows my ignorance to the subject matter here. Regardless of being clued in or not, I enjoyed the read.
Technically, it’s very smartly written, trim and lean, just the way us lazy readers like it. I can’t think of a single criticism or at least anything that stuck out for me which disrupted the read.
I loved the character of George, the interplay between the suave octogenarian (the glint very much still in his eye) and the young reporter was very natural and charming. The believability of these characters (one could imagine such an interview where the retired agent finally decides to reveal classified or top secret information after all these years like the true identity of Deepthroat or who shot Kennedy, etc) undermined by the rather arbitrary, dubious subject of a Castro smear campaign involving a baseball career that never was is an inspired piece of satire and well executed.
The indication of all the Cuban players in the game nowadays being a direct result of this political machination was a nice touch to lend some credibility to the story. A touching final page too of the dying dictator clutching the baseball and giving us the origin of the piece’s title.
More of a sketch given some gravitas with the poignant ending then an actual short story. A couple of tweaks here and there to lighten the tone and this could be a comedy skit but I take it this isn’t your intention and I’m not suggesting you change it. This was in part both funny and bittersweet wrapped in a delightfully clever concept.
Not as fully rounded or “serious” as your other stuff but it shows your diversity as a writer.
I liked it. Kind of a Rosebud sort of ending that leaves you thinking. Good stuff.
I think the main issue I had with this was the baseball legend. I know the CIA came up with a lot of ways to do away with Castro - some of them crazy like exploding cigars. Maybe throw in mention of some of the other ways to give the baseball story more credibility.
Character-wise George was ok but Sandy seemed a bit weak (despite how you tried to paint her). I would give Sandy a more solid grounding - like more of why she was interviewing George.
I read this a few days ago and have skimmed over it a few times since. It's taken me this long to respond because honestly I've found it difficult to come up with any comments that could benefit you that you haven't already heard before.
That said, I suppose I'll just say I thought it was a well written piece. I think you made a wise choice of using a very accessible and understandable topic (baseball) to discuss something political and not exactly relevant in 2011 and make it come off as relevant and interesting.
I won't say anything about Sandy except my sentiments toward her reflect many that have already been expressed here. I thought George was well written though. My initial thoughts on the dialogue were that there was a lot of filler (you want still want to trim some). However upon rereading, I found it sort of made sense. George is an 80-year old man. He's going to trail off, notice things, change the subject and not necessarily speak unequivocally at all times. For the most part, it works.
The only thing I guess I could really say is especially strange is why all these people are talking about Castro at all? I feel like if Castro had just died or there was a military coup in Cuba, maybe he might suddenly become a little more relevant. But that doesn't seem to be the case here. It almost sounds like Sandy got stuck with a story that nobody cares about against her will.
Anyway, I thought it was a low key but interesting and well written piece. Certainly not a bad thing. Well done.
First off, my apologies for not responding to your comments sooner, but I haven’t been around for a while. Even when I was “around”, I was more of a weekend warrior, but I still like to drop in once in a while. Anyway, long story short, my bad, and thanks so much for taking the time.
Col.,
Hey, bud, thanks for the read.
“More of a sketch given some gravitas with the poignant ending then an actual short story. A couple of tweaks here and there to lighten the tone and this could be a comedy skit but I take it this isn’t your intention and I’m not suggesting you change it. This was in part both funny and bittersweet wrapped in a delightfully clever concept.”
Yeah, not sure if I would go a more comedic route, but your point about it being more like a sketch than a full on short is well taken. I suppose to give it a little more depth I might have to show George’s life outside of the interview. It’s certainly something worth thinking about. Thanks for the read and for resurrecting this one. Haha.
Steve,
Thanks for the read and the kind words. Glad you enjoyed it. Please let me know if there is anything you would like me to read.
Michael,
Thanks for taking the time on this one.
“I know the CIA came up with a lot of ways to do away with Castro - some of them crazy like exploding cigars. Maybe throw in mention of some of the other ways to give the baseball story more credibility.”
Good point here and I think this would work well with Col.’s suggestion. It would certainly give George a little more opportunity to spout off before getting to his main point.
“Character-wise George was ok but Sandy seemed a bit weak (despite how you tried to paint her).”
Ya, duly noted on this one. She def fell short and would require a re-write if I ever revisit this one. That said, I received some good ideas regarding Sandy from some of the other eagle eyed reviewers so at least I would have some ideas to start with.
James,
Thanks for giving this a read, and giving it some extra thought. Even though I haven’t really been around here in a while, it’s always appreciated when someone takes the time to comment.
“My initial thoughts on the dialogue were that there was a lot of filler (you want still want to trim some).”
This is a fair point. To be honest, as I noted in some of the earlier comments, this story was really kind of a one trick pony, and probably could have been far shorter, but I guess I tried to give it a little more length (depth? by kind of having George toy with Sandy a bit until she loses her patience and he gets down to business. I’m glad it ended up working for you, but your initial reaction is an important one, and trimming down is always something to think about.
“The only thing I guess I could really say is especially strange is why all these people are talking about Castro at all? I feel like if Castro had just died or there was a military coup in Cuba, maybe he might suddenly become a little more relevant. But that doesn't seem to be the case here. It almost sounds like Sandy got stuck with a story that nobody cares about against her will.”
Haha, you got me there. I guess I tried to kind of address this issue when George makes reference to the fact that there are bigger fish to fry, but you’re right, until he dies, he’s not really everyday news anymore. That said, you give an interesting idea re: Sandy getting stuck with what she thinks is a stinker of a story maybe because she’s the new kid on the block in the newsroom. That might be a way to address some of the issues others have expressed regarding her character.
Anyway, thanks again to all for the reads. It’s much appreciated, and please let me know if I can return the favor.