Quoted from stevie Hi E.D! Congrats on having this optioned - I didn't realise until you PM'd me to read the 'new' version - good job, I re-read my comments back in January on the original. Obviously you've chganged a couple of things to suit the producer but nothing major.

Hey Stevie.

Thanks, I didn't make a big deal out of it, maybe I should have, heh.
Just posted a comment on the thread and left it at that.
I did get asked to make some changes, I've yet to hear back from the director.
But I know he's busy with post on one short and pre-production on another.

Quoted from stevie However, to me, it still moves sort of too quickly into the ' race against the clock' mode. You have changed the tone at the beginning, so we do see that Carson is not just a witness. He is up to something straight away.

He is up to something straight away, which I felt would ease us into the second half.
Perhaps making sounds more like Paul's playing along at first would help.
I'll take another look at that, thanks.

Quoted from stevie But the ease with which Paul believes him - before the finger - is a little too convenient IMO? I dunno... Anyway, the writing is crisp and i love those 'unfilmables'!! They sure do beat the tedious writing. Cheers stevie

Paul believes the polygraph moreso than Carson.
Perhaps looking at it more from that point of view will enhance dialogue choices.
LoL, I'm glad you don't find my writing teadious.

Thanks for the notes!
Cheers,
E.D.

Quoted from wonkavite Hey Brett - Definitely like this version better (the helicopter was a bit too much in the previous version.)  Better to keep the story intimate between the two men, Carson and Paul.

Hey Janet,

Thanks for the read, I agree about the intimacy thing with the guys.

Quoted from wonkavite A few typos/awkward phrasings that I thought I'd bring up (not a slam at the script per-se, just niggling little things that I'd change personally): p. 2 Is your name, Carson Briggs? p. 3 Carson looks at a wall clock, he takes a breath.  (I'd throw an AND in there - or chop it into two separate sentences.) p. 5 The American masters line...  A bit hokey...I'd use a less cartoony word, IMHO. p. 5 Paul looks at a portrait on his desk NEST p. 5 After "I told you already, I'm a bad liar"  - it'd be GREAT if the polygraph flipped to GREEN as a response.   p. 6 Carson wags an index finger at Paul (take out as he talks.  Kinda implied) p. 7 Paul yanks and tosses the device to Carson (feels like a word's missing here...?) p. 8 Bueno.  Like "American Masters", this just feels too cartoony.  Unless Carson means it in a very, very sarcastic way... p. 9 glances at the laptop.  Almost there.  (I actually didn't understand what he was trying to do for a moment.  Might be clearer to change to "very close".) p. 9 He grabs THEY key chain

Thanks for catching the tyopos and glitches, I've fixed those already.
The American masters and Bueno lines are sarcastic.
Perhaps a wrylie there would help clarify that.
I like the needle flipping on the liar thing.
Perhaps that's the real turning point when Paul MUST take Caron seriously.
Maybe that's the moment everyone's pointing to they want highlighted.

Quoted from wonkavite But overall, works well. And congrats on getting it produced!! About the only thing I'd mention about the characters themselves...  Carson seems almost *too* smooth.  Any way that you can give him a *touch* of doubt or uncertainty, just to make him a little more real/human?  And I agree with a previous reviewer- make Paul's transition to taking Carson seriously a little more dramatic and gradual.  Before the finger, he accepts Carsons attitude a bit too easily... But a fun read - kudos...! --J

I've been thinking about making Carson a bit more awkward at the start.
Couple that with Paul being a bit more forecful to start.
It could enhance the arcs both men go through in the story.
Thanks for the insights! I'll put them to good use in the next round.

Regards,
E.D.

In spite of my own revisions, I said I'd get to your update sooner or later, and here I am. First, congrats on getting this picked up for filming. Hopefully we will see the result some day soon.

From what I recall from my previous comments way  back (I didn't revisit them) I noted the action fight near the end was a bit better. I could have liked a little more white in between the COMPUTER SCREENS/MONITORS and the BACK TO SCENES but that's just a nitpick. Out of curiousity, why the location change? Are the filmmakers based near San Juan?

(Note: since we don't go "outside", in essence, you can still film in Miami or another part of Florida and have it pass for San Juan, other than perhaps the translight)

Aside from the lack of white space, everything looks good to me.
Best of luck.

-D.

Quoted from Dreamscale Brett I wanted to let you know that I totally agree with you now about the hourglass.  I had no idea such a small hourglass could take so much time to run out. I always appreciate when peeps do research and you deserve a shout out here!   And yeah, fix up that panic button scene and you're just about there, my friend. Good luck!!!

Thanks, Jeff. Much appreciated.
I don't tout it often, but I am a stickler for research.
I researched period guns and cannons for Red Sun.
Untold hours researching playgrounds to create fun set pieces for ZP, etc.
Fortunately, Google is great for that kind of in the moment research.
When I saw an old school hourglass in my head, I looked it up.
I dig the analog visual with all the tech gear and laptop business.
Once I found a five minute model, that became my "ticking clock"!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from jwent6688 Brett, Giving this another read per your request. Always glad to return one. some notes as I go. I will stick to story and dialogue since I know this is more or less a shooting script now. PAUL Why do you need to make a call right now? - I think a simple "no" works better here. I think Paul should be more hardened to start out. Then we see a change of attitude as things progress.

Hey James,

Much thanks for the read back, I want this to be in good shape for the big show.
I agree with you, toughening up Paul a bit improves the power exchange arc.
I'll rework the beginning, thanks.

Quoted from jwent6688 CARSON An innocent person will die. - I don't think Carson should just come out and say it like that. A little more cat and mouse would serve well. Plus its not a yes or no which most ploygraphs are based upon.  I think Carson should want to answer only yes and no questions. Add tension. i.e... CARSON Something bad will happpen. PAUL Like what? CARSON Ask me a yes or no question. Paul sighs. PAUL Will someone get hurt? CARSON Yes. The laptop reads TRUTH. CARSON Now, ask me if this person is close to you. I think something along these lines would serve the script better. At least IMO.

That's......not too shabby at all. I may have to steal that and reshape it a bit.
Tinker to find the right cadence to heighten the suspense, but that's good. Thanks.

Quoted from jwent6688 I'm iffy bout the portrait being in there. I was envisioning an interrogation room. Something very simple with maybe a two-way mirror.

Are you talking about the Puerto Rico/U.S. propaganda art?
A two way mirror suggests someone else is watching, I wanted to avoid that.
Also an expensive set piece, that would have to be figured into the budget.

Quoted from jwent6688 This story has alot of potential, but still has flaws to me. I can see people watching this on film and saying, "Oh, come on!" First, it seems you took Paul out of any legitimate government agency, so, what use is the data on the flash drive?

I can drop a few more hints about a joint task force deal with U.S.
Meaning it's not quite as up to snuff as our agencies, but still has merit.
Hence, there's plenty of ties, just not as good security.

Quoted from jwent6688 The sandwich is a biggie. If you insist on keeping it I would make paul go and have to retrieve it. Or have Carson's backpack brought to them after Paul gets a taste of fear. Also, make it corned beef. Now I'm hungry.

Hmm, could make an interesting cut while Carson waits. I'll mediate on this one.
Corned Beef. Ewww. Salt lick, party of two, of you're table is ready.

Quoted from jwent6688 Was carson hand cuffed? Didn't see it. Just seems like he was there for a leisurely visit. I think he should be. I don't like your ending fight. Would rather this be solved simply. Like, Carson makes Paul uncuff him and hand over his I.D. badge in order for Carson to tell Paul where his son is at. This is so Carson can get out. After Carson tells him where his son is Paul runs out. Wouldn't you? Carson slaps a profile pic of himself on the badge. Then he watches the hourglass and the laptop. When Paul shows up on screen with Sam the sand runs out. The laptop goes blank. A huge explosion is heard off screen. Carson has a nice little send off line and exits. Haven't read all the other comments yet. Am going to now. I don't feel this is strong enough to make good film yet as it sits. I may be back for an edit after reading some other comments. Best of luck! James

This could be a very interesting alternative to a choreographed fight.
That decision may ultimately be a production/budget based one.
I could try something like this, to see how it feels on the page.
Sounds good so far, I'll need to roll this around my brainpan for a while. Could work.
Excellent suggestions, gracias!

Regards,
E.D.

Hi there - saw this on inktip & felt sure I recognized the name of the script, so gave it a read - congrats on getting it optioned - part of me says not a lot of point giving feedback now as you have achieved your aim. Well done.

So I finally got a moment to check out the rewrite, and I suppose I remember the original version well enough.  I have not read through the other comments, though I did look at my old comments to refresh my memory.  Seems I did not have too many problems with the earlier iteration of this.

I am not sure about the mechanics of your polygraph machine and the Truth or Lie readout it generates.  I understand why the clarity of such an approach is useful in this scenario, but perhaps a simple pattern of red and green lights may produce the same effect without stretching credibility so far.  Just a thought.

For a small niggle, I notice you make use of RETURN TO SCENE in several instances.  I am pretty sure that BACK TO SCENE is more conventional, though it probably matters very little.

Small typo on page 5, nest instead of next.

You need a bit more dialogue at the bottom of page 7.  Once Carson explains to Paul that his ordeal is nearly over, it seems that Paul should be asking about his son at this point.  Wouldn't anybody do that?

Small continuity problem on page 8.  You have Carson unhooking himself from the polygraph, but moments later Paul looks to the machine to find out if Carson is lying.

Why does Carson shoot the desk full of holes?  That seems weird.

And I like the new ending, but it is a bit awkward in that it happens so rapidly.

We never see Paul leave -- and there should be at least some indication of a little time passing.  Perhaps a silent pan around the office, lingering on a few choice details -- the sandwich, Carson's smoldering cigarette butt, or water dripping from the wheezing AC unit.  Then, finally, settling on the laptop screen.  And I would have the hourglass in the same frame, so you can show the reunion and the sand running out simultaneously instead of cutting from one to the other.

I would say this is improved, and certainly stripped down while still maintaining most of what made this work in the first place.   Best of luck with it while navigating the production machinery.

I seldom reread scripts...except for Phil's scripts. He's the only one that will ask for two or even three rereads.

I have not read my first comments on this script. I remember there used to be a helicopter in there somewhere.  I can understand that being taken away due to budget.

I noticed bert mentioning the "return to scene" thing. IMHO, you don't need to write that at all since technically we never left "the scene". The focus has only shifted to an item in the scene. Therefore it's sufficent to just write on a new line "The polygraph screen shows wavelengths dip and shimmy. And then when you "return to scene" you just go on with a new line. No biggie though and I doubt your director cares. I just thought I'd mention it.

As far as the script goes I think it's good. My only concern with it would be 9 pages of mostly dialogue. Unless acted and edited perfectly, that might seem really loooong on screen.

Bert pointed out some of the other things that I wondered about too.  Especially Carson unhooking himself and then Paul still being able to read the polygraph. Another one that stood out for me was the ending. It happened way too fast. How did Paul get over to his son that fast? I mean Carson was still there, right?

Good luck with this and I hope we will get to see it some day.   

Quoted from jackx Hey, didn't read the bazillion other replies, so some of this might be repetitive... The first sentence seems a bit awkward. Specifically military fort tourist traps.  I get what u mean, just kinda a long phrase.  But it sounded like you might be producing this yourself, so no biggie. P1.  'call me, Carson".  No comma needed. Also    Is your name, Carson Briggs,  no comma needed.  The comma before a name rule is only when you are using the name to address the person.  As in, "is your name carson, mr Briggs.". Or "call me Carson, Paul" Hmm overall, not bad, but not quite great.  I think my main problem was the very abrupt shift in power.  I think it would be more interesting if there was a little more mental tug of war before it was all on the table like that.  Also why the he'll doesn't Paul pull his gun just as soon as he learns his son is kidnapped.   And car sons motive was what?  Steal something from the database?  Maybe I missed somethings but his methods seem very personal.  I think it might be better if this was a bit more personal revenge for something in pails past. But aside from the negatives it was well written, just maybe tighten up the story a bit.  Good luck with it.

Hey Jack,

Thanks for the read and well wishes.
I always welcome constructive criticism and gladly return the gesture.
I hadn't thought about the comma thing, I'll have to revisit that, thanks.
That friggin tourist trap thing tripped me up, I should've done better.

I have some idea on how to smooth out the power shift.
Other members have made some great suggestions to that end.
I'll see what I can come up with to sharpen the pages.
If there's something you want read, let me know.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Forgive Hi there - saw this on inktip & felt sure I recognized the name of the script, so gave it a read - congrats on getting it optioned - part of me says not a lot of point giving feedback now as you have achieved your aim. Well done.

Hey Simon,

I've gotten a bazillion hits with this script on InkTip.
It's great they offer a free service to folks with short scripts.
Lie Detector is scheduled to go into production in seven weeks.
So, input is still very much valid and appreciated, if you choose to do so.
Thanks for stopping by, good luck with your scripts.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Over all I was left unsatisfied. What was the point? Even though it's a short, there should be something for me understand. The location of where this happens is irrelevant, however if you set it on an Island, travel is much easier to shut down as opposed to the event happening where there are many alternatives to get away. I've never been to Puerto Rico, but my guess is you can pass it off as Miami like they pass off Vancouver for Seattle. While the scene would be a good one bookended with more, it would benefit from some soul as a short.

Hey Clorox.

Thanks for the read.
I'm sorry there wasn't enough on the page to interest you.
The laptop is hardwired into the database, hence the theft.
I can make that clearer in the description. Thanks.
The relationship between the two is intentionally sketchy.
The director wanted me to focus more on the interplay than exposition.
The reason for the Puerto Rico location is completely relevant.
It's where the script is going to be filmed, the producer wanted those changes.
I'd like to add more as well, but I was given a pretty firm page limit.

I appreciate your comments.
Regards,

E.D.

Quoted from Branzig Rubenburg This was very well-written and kept my attention.  The conflict between the two characters was good.  I sincerely did not like Carson.  His character and Paul's were both believable.

Hello Branzig,

Thanks again for another read.
It's nice to see new faces reading material here.
I'm glad you enjoyed the script.
I hope it translates well to film.
Let me know if there's something of yours I can read in return.

Regards,
E.D.

Much too late in the day to be of help but I just wanted to say I really enjoyed this. It was dynamic, well paced and I liked the revealing process.

I would be interested to know what changes from script to actual production. Others are better at the format issues so I won't repeat, besides somewhat redundant now.

On reflection my only comment would be for more of a power struggle throughout with it ebbing one way then the next ideally leaving an unresolved question of who won?

Otherwise a good read. Best of luck.

Quoted from CindyLKeller Hey Brett, Pretty neat story, but I have some questions and comments... I was wondering why Carson was put on the lie detector to begin with??? I thought he was just a friend of Paul's who was helping him test the lie detector. You might want to make that clearer. Maybe have Paul ask him questions about what they think he's guilty of.

Hey Cindy,

Thanks for the read, I apologize for the late reply.
I like your suggestion here.
If I get another whack at the production draft, I'll keep this in mind, thanks.

Quoted from CindyLKeller But I liked how Carson turn the tables on Paul. Why did Carson kidnap Paul's son?

To gain leverage to insure Paul would give Carson the info he was after.
It's a bit dramatic, but so is Carson.
I think there's a part of him that likes being in pressure cooker situations.

Quoted from CindyLKeller Do Paul and Carson know each other from before?

I suggested that Carson has studied Paul, for sure.
But I did not put anything in there to directly suggest they've met before.

Quoted from CindyLKeller Um... oh, and I'm not sure about his son's finger in the sandwich. You could have just put one of Sam's favorite toys in the sandwich bag. Just my thoughts. Cindy

A toy might be a nice cheap alternative on the day, good idea!
Thanks for the read and the thoughts.
Anytime I can return the favor, please let me know.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Nomad This was a good read.  I won't repeat any of the spelling issues because it looks like they have been covered by everyone else.  A couple things I think could improve the story: -Focus a little more on the hourglass to show time is running out.

Hey Nomad,

Thanks for the read, sorry for the late reply.
I could insert the hourglass more.
I also think the director will cutaway to that at his discretion.
I wanted to establish that running clock to ramp up the tension.
I have a feeling the director will use that as much as he can.

Quoted from Nomad -A polygraph administrator won't ask you to lie.  They just ask you control questions to establish a baseline.

I know it's not a standard practice, but serves a purpose for story clarity.
Though how that gets interpreted will be up to the producer more than anyone.

Quoted from Nomad -I'm not sure the finger sandwich is necessary. -Have Sam in some sort of peril other than just being in a room.  Maybe he's strapped to a chair with a bomb?  Standing on a trap door with a noose around his neck?  Perhaps he's hanging over a water tank filled with ill tempered sea bass.  Something.

No, it's certainly not necessary, but it keeps things lively.
For production budget purposes, it has to be a nasty looking warehouse.
Anything more gets into funds being reallocated and more paper work.
I'm lucky to get the shaky webcam room at all in the budget.

Quoted from Nomad -Government agents don't "take classes".  They "get training". Overall it was entertaining.

I know, which is why "taking classes" is an insult by Carson to Paul.

Thanks for the read Nomad.
If I can return the gesture on your work, let me know.

Regards,
E.D.