Quoted from Britman After the success of Haywire I bet Hollywood are going to be clamoring for scripts for female action stars.

I love your attitude, but sadly, the Soderbergh film failed at the boxoffice.
However, Underworld: Awakening also opened the same weekend.
And that entry is tracking better than the previous film in the series.

I agree about finding a way to tap into the female archetype.
The spec I'm currently working on, I have a very proactive female villain.
And boy, does that really loosen me up on the page!

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Brett,

This was a really fun, quick little read. Terrific writing. Very clear visuals. Tense. Nice twists. I don't have too much to add to what others have said, unfortunately. There are some issues with Paul's actions and Carson's motivations. Is there a way to work in why Carson would want to kill Paul and his son? Not sure... And yes, Paul seems to play into Carson's plan all too easilty. That panic button is there for a reason, right? It could be fun to see him turn the situation back around on Carson in some way.

Anwyay - hope that helped. I could totally see this one getting made. Good luck with it!

Mark

Well, I guess this counts as a Valentine's Day gift...

Lie Detector is the #1 ranked script on Talentville!

http://www.talentville.com/screenplay/1406

I had wanted to polish on West Side Markets, but time's at a premium these days.
Alas, perhaps next year I can shine up that valentine fable.

Cheers,
E.D.

Yikes, seems I'm a little late to the party in regards to feedback.

I really enjoyed this. It was a nice read. I've seen mentions of revised versions on other peoples comments, but the version you have up at the moment is quite good (in my opinion that is).

The tables being turned circa page 4 or 5 was quite good. I especially liked the whole lie detector aspect of it.
There has also been talk about removals of helicoptor scene(s). I didn't get a chance to read it with these scenes in, but ultimately I think it works without.

Also, I like a cliffhanger ending, and while it's pretty clear what happened - it doesn't go into specific/graphic detail.

Quoted from thechillman Yikes, seems I'm a little late to the party in regards to feedback. I really enjoyed this. It was a nice read. I've seen mentions of revised versions on other peoples comments, but the version you have up at the moment is quite good (in my opinion that is). The tables being turned circa page 4 or 5 was quite good. I especially liked the whole lie detector aspect of it. There has also been talk about removals of helicoptor scene(s). I didn't get a chance to read it with these scenes in, but ultimately I think it works without. Also, I like a cliffhanger ending, and while it's pretty clear what happened - it doesn't go into specific/graphic detail.

Hey Chillman!

Thanks for the read.
I'm glad you enjoyed the script.

There used to be more action tropes in earlier drafts.
Back then I kept the story open for potential feature expansion.
Recently, the script's gotten some attention by producers wanting to make a short.

So, I scaled back the production values and focused more on the characters.
To that end, the script's been trucking along nicely...

It's been in and out of option a couple times.
The script's been #1 on Talentville now for three weeks running.

And as of this writing...
There are three producers hot for the rights to the script.
One in Chicago, another in Puerto Rico and a third here in L.A.

So, hopefully this little tale will get produced some day.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Brett.

Saw there was a new draft posted since the last time I read this, so I figured I'd check it out.

What happened to the helicopter?  :-)

**SPOILERS**

Anyway, pretty decent for a short.  Lots going on in it.  A child's finger, an explosion in a federal lobby, a father and son being blown to smithereens in a warehouse.  That's kind of a violent change of pace from the family friendly features you've been putting out recently.

Nothing wrong with a change of pace and spreading talent throughout different genres.

I still have the same questions as before, though, how Carson managed to set everything up and why Paul was questioning him in the first place.  Although I guess those questions aren't too important for the short.

I am wondering what motive Carson has for killing Paul's child, too.  You mentioned something about him subcontracting his lie detection services to his former masters.  That seemed a little fuzzy to me.

But as you can see, a lot of people liked this one.  And it does have a lot going for it.  Guess I'm just too focused on the details rather than letting the story wash over me.

But there's definately some great suspense in the story, though.

Congrats and good luck with getting it filmed.  I know you've been working hard for it.

- Mark

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Lie Detector is the #1 ranked script on Talentville!

Hey Brett! Well done! That's a great achievement - it doesn't come easy - respect due.

Maybe someone posted it already, but I decided to chime in and posted it here - not in the same genre perhaps but also about the lie detector

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKMRIFUYLyQ&feature=player_embedded

Funny eh?

Quoted from Forgive Hey Brett! Well done! That's a great achievement - it doesn't come easy - respect due.

Hey Simon! Hey Mark!

Thanks for the read and good will!
Seven weeks and counting that little script's been tops on the site.
I ought to work on more thrillers, people seem to like it when I do.

Cheers,
E.D.

Quoted from khamanna Maybe someone posted it already, but I decided to chime in and posted it here - not in the same genre perhaps but also about the lie detector http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKMRIFUYLyQ&feature=player_embedded Funny eh?

Hey Khamanna!

Long time no type!
That short is pretty chuckle worthy.
I dig how they handled the polygraph exposition.
Thanks for the link!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from khamanna Maybe someone posted it already, but I decided to chime in and posted it here - not in the same genre perhaps but also about the lie detector http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKMRIFUYLyQ&feature=player_embedded Funny eh?

Yeah - I liked this - it was well worked.

I liked it.
One of the best shorts I’ve read on the site so far.
It hooked me in early. I think you did well with the use of the lie detector during the conversation.
Good job. Good antagonist, good tension throughout.
A couple of things, though.
The descriptions for the two characters are what they look like instead of who they are, personality wise.
Also, I think the ending can be improved. It ends kind of suddenly and not with the biggest punch. I was expecting to be blown away once things were revealed.

Quoted from Steex I liked it. One of the best shorts I’ve read on the site so far. It hooked me in early. I think you did well with the use of the lie detector during the conversation. Good job. Good antagonist, good tension throughout. A couple of things, though. The descriptions for the two characters are what they look like instead of who they are, personality wise. Also, I think the ending can be improved. It ends kind of suddenly and not with the biggest punch. I was expecting to be blown away once things were revealed.

Hey Steex!

Sorry I didn't respond sooner.
Glad you liked the story!
I was a fun experiment and I've met a lot of great colleagues because of it.
This is in pre-production right now.
So, I don't have to worry about those character descriptions anymore.
We're also considering more ways to intertwine these two in conflict.
Thanks for the thoughts, the read's appreciated!

Regards,
E.D.

*** STATUS UPDATE***

Now, I've gone and done it.
I sold a script to not one, but two production companies!
They're both excited enough to combine forces to bring my ramblings to life.
And they're crazy enough to keep me around as an associate producer!
That will help me learn the biz.
More details to come after the ink dries.

My deepest gratitude to SS contributing members that helped me stink less at this!

Regards,
E.D.

CONGRATS! Keep us updated.

Gabe