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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Lie Detector Moderators: bert
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  Author    Lie Detector  (currently 21734 views)
Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 3rd, 2011, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sham
Hi, Brett!
I thought this was really good. I’d like to say it’d be pretty easy and cheap to film, too, but then there’s that last page where guns, glass, and helicopters come into play. Luckily you keep the majority of it offscreen or just out of sight, like Bert mentioned, so getting some interest in this shouldn’t be too hard.

Hey Chris!

Thanks for the read!
I think I've read something of yours, if not, point me to something juicy.
I'm glad the read wasn't a waste of your time.
I toggled between short and cheap and big and not so cheap for personal reasons.
I hope it didn't detract too much from the read.
I was experimenting with trying to please both ends of the spectrum.
More often than not, it leads to a level of failure, but I tried anyway.

Quoted from Sham

I see a lot of members have already given you some very solid feedback, positive and negative: RayW and Dreamscale, especially, have given you a lot of information to think about.

Those wacky characters are very generous with their time.
And I've learned boatloads going through their material in turn.

Quoted from Sham

I took a few notes myself and wanted to throw them at you.

          CARSON
     That’s the spirit, Peter. Bravo.  
                 (beat)
     But if the medical monitor on my
     wrist stops transmitting, your wife
     and son will be executed.

Take out “Bravo.” It flows better without it, even with the pause.

     Stare down. Trigger finger poised. Is he lying?

I would suggest taking out “Is he lying?” By now, given the nature of this script, this is on everyone’s mind already.

I'll go along with both those suggestions for the next draft. Thanks!

Quoted from Sham

                 PETER
     Does my compliance with your
     demands guarantee their safety?

I actually read this part out loud, and it doesn’t sit right with me for some reason. It just seems like such an articulate question for someone who’s sitting in front of his son’s severed finger.

This is my attempt at Peter asking questions in a specific way for his own purposes.
The specificity increases the accuracy of a polygraph reading.
I didn't bring this across well enough in the script.
And because of that, it reads awkward.
I like the idea, but I agree, it needs a lot of work.

Quoted from Sham

Overall, I thought this was a really strong script, Brett. Easy to read. Format is pretty much perfect. Clear visuals without overwriting. Snappy, engaging dialogue and character interactions. You did a really great job with this one.

Chris

Thanks for the insights and kind words.
I'll do my best to reciprocate when the opportunity arises.
If I haven't already read you, point me to something you'd like eyes on.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 4th, 2011, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from chelsea
Hey Bret.
Well, you've had some fantastic feedback and suggestions from the guys but that's nothing more than you deserve with the amount of effort you apply to other's scripts ...including mine!

Hiya Martin!

Thanks for the kind words and the read.
I recall some pretty snappy dialogue in your cabbie story.
So, when are we going to see some new pages from you?

Quoted from chelsea

I thought the formatting was good and the actual story great. The flow and pacing kept me turning pages, which is hard to do. (Believe me I get bored easily).

One of my main objectives with this piece was to keep it moving at a brisk pace.
To do that, I needed to wrangle my over descriptive tendencies into shape.
Just for that alone, Lie Detector has been an invaluable exercise for me.
I wanted this script to have a breezy 90's action vibe.
Poor action films these days are so dark and dreary.

Quoted from chelsea

So, the first time I read this, all in all I liked it, although I did find some of the dialog a little stilted in places.

However, I read it a second time and as I did it occurred to me that you may have written this in a specific style. It really came across to me as very' Bondesque' a la Sean Connery maybe even Roger Moore.

Then when I read it a third time from that perspective it actually moved from great to brilliant! Even the ending fell right into place.

Now if my ramblings are correct then please confirm. If not just leave me happy in my own little escapist world.

Either way, Good job. Hope it gets produced.

Best.

Martin.

I'm grateful for the additional reads, what made it better for you later?
The adventure vibe? The polygraph oddly phrased question dynamic?
If you can elaborate, I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks again for giving your time to my work.
I look forward to seeing more of your pages in the future.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.



LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 5th, 2011, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
Hi E.D.  I haven't read any scripts for awhile, having been on hols and too busy. So thought I'd get back into it with one of yours - you have been giving a lot of reviews(all very insightful too)

Greetings Stevie!

Much thanks for the read.  Hope you enjoyed your holiday.
I appreciate the sentiment behind the feedback.
I wanted to lead by example and how that people would offer me reads in return.

Quoted from stevie

I liked this! The writing was good, formatting good, no probs there. You say you were inspired by watching BN - have never seen the show so can't comment on your initial impetus.
It started like a normal interro scene - we presume that Carson is some sort of suspect, maybe just a witness. There is a distinct lack of authority and urgency about Peter, so I gathered Carson wasn't even a suspect, just in for routine questioning.

I'm pleased the story worked for you.
And yup, the initial casual tone was indeed to suggest Carson is a "witness".
I wanted to start from there to make the arc bigger as the story unfolded.

Quoted from stevie

Obviously though, he is more than a traffic offender and the tone changes pretty quickly. I realise now that Peter was being cautious, fishing for info, without trying to jeopardise the bigger picture - which turns out to be his family's very lives.

Yup, that's how I wanted it come across, but it seems I got mixed results.
Some felt the cautiousness came off as stilted dialogue.
I'll have to work on that, but I'm glad it worked for you.

Quoted from stevie

Things happen very quickly now, perhaps too fast - Carson is seen to be a pretty full on killer/assasin type.
A few people commented on the ending being left hanging - I guess that can happen when you have an idea and get it written while its hot.

Its still an interesting little 'scene' and could be expanded or incorporated into a bigger project. Actually, it almost read like an OWC or something!

Cheers stevie

Apparently, I wasn't smooth enough when I kicked it into high adventure gear.
I tried to crank up the tension incrementally, but I guess it needs more refinement.
I didn't want to be afraid to go over the top for an all out action blast.
I'm concerned, we, the collective amateurs here, tend not to go for it.
Because we all know it will be much easier to get produced with a modest script.
I get that sentiment, but I wanted to go the other way with this story.
However, the way Lie Detector is written, it can easily scale back for a thrifty short.
Or, go all out into a go for broke action feature length extravaganza.
When you try to please multiple quadrants, some are bound to feel the pinch.

Thanks again for your insights and time.
I apologize for the tardiness of my reply.
If you have a script you'd like some eyes on, please let me know.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Ledbetter
Posted: February 6th, 2011, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
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E.D

I enjoyed the way it flowed a lot. The chemistry between the two is good. I noticed a great opportunity where the (beats) are used for a small expansion on the interaction. Example (and someone may have already said this)

If we are, we’re having one hell of
a heat wave.
(beat)
No.

That would have been a great chance to offer an exchange between the two. Something like…

If we are, we’re having one hell of
a heat wave.

The interviewer drops his pen, looks up.

No.

Another great opportunity here as well.

It was just a joke.
(beat)
Yes, I understand, Peter.

Maybe could read as…

It was a joke.

He taps one of the sensors.

Is this thing on? Okay, yeas I understand, Peter.

This has a feel to it that reminds me a little of Phenomenon.  The interview between The interviewer and Travolta. I like it.

I like on page 7 when the phone goes off but I wish you had fleshed it out just a bit.

The two men look each other in the eyes, the lights flicker, the windows rattle, then a muted sound of an enormous blast…..

Really pull that moment out for us.

What are you, a shit belt? I thought that was very funny.

Good story my friend. Very clean, very fast read. Thanks for sharing it.

Shawn.....><
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 8th, 2011, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ledbetter
E.D

I enjoyed the way it flowed a lot. The chemistry between the two is good. I noticed a great opportunity where the (beats) are used for a small expansion on the interaction. Example (and someone may have already said this)

If we are, we’re having one hell of
a heat wave.
(beat)
No.

That would have been a great chance to offer an exchange between the two. Something like…

If we are, we’re having one hell of
a heat wave.

The interviewer drops his pen, looks up.

No.

Another great opportunity here as well.

It was just a joke.
(beat)
Yes, I understand, Peter.

Maybe could read as…

It was a joke.

He taps one of the sensors.

Is this thing on? Okay, yeas I understand, Peter.

This has a feel to it that reminds me a little of Phenomenon.  The interview between The interviewer and Travolta. I like it.

I like on page 7 when the phone goes off but I wish you had fleshed it out just a bit.

The two men look each other in the eyes, the lights flicker, the windows rattle, then a muted sound of an enormous blast…..

Really pull that moment out for us.

What are you, a shit belt? I thought that was very funny.

Good story my friend. Very clean, very fast read. Thanks for sharing it.

Shawn.....><


Hey Shawn!

Thanks for the second read, I'm glad the story still works for you.
I dig some of those beat suggestions and will recall them for the next draft.
Especially the explosion stuff, it could use a beat between them.
Sometimes I step on my own action for the sake of economy.
I'm not sure where this story will go, but that's part of the fun for me.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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chelsea
Posted: February 11th, 2011, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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Okay Brett.

I read it again and I am now in no doubt that for me this is a great James Bond vignette.

From Carson's first words "do you mind if I smoke?" and "No I don't think so (beat) Was that part of the test?"

Along with.....

The nonchalant  arrogance  of Carson mentioning the ham sandwich is imo a brilliant subversive ploy to wrest any power Peter may have, away from him.

It struck me as very  Ian Fleming especially describing Miami as the cocaine cowboy capital of the world....priceless.

"That's the spirit Peter, Bravo!'.......................Oh so good!

And during the fight, "nice move.Taken some classes?" just classic 007 for me.

I enjoyed the read again.

Well done....so keep on writing and....oh sorry bro. That's your line.

Best.

Martin.


My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 11th, 2011, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from chelsea
Okay Brett.

I read it again and I am now in no doubt that for me this is a great James Bond vignette.

From Carson's first words "do you mind if I smoke?" and "No I don't think so (beat) Was that part of the test?"

Along with.....

The nonchalant  arrogance  of Carson mentioning the ham sandwich is imo a brilliant subversive ploy to wrest any power Peter may have, away from him.

Martin,

I'm thrilled to hear my attempt at over the top fun worked for you.
I was hoping to suspend disbelief and entertain readers.
Very intuitive about the sandwich, Martin.
I wanted the story to feel like a chess game.
And the sandwich was Carson's "knight", so to speak.

Quoted from chelsea

It struck me as very  Ian Fleming especially describing Miami as the cocaine cowboy capital of the world....priceless.

"That's the spirit Peter, Bravo!'.......................Oh so good!

And during the fight, "nice move.Taken some classes?" just classic 007 for me.

I enjoyed the read again.

Well done....so keep on writing and....oh sorry bro. That's your line.

Best.

Martin.

Hmm, your comments make me wonder if I should remove the "sh*t belt" line.
Looking at the words in your post, it seems a better way to go.
We'll see how the next draft comes out!

LoL plagiarist! That's my line!
Have a great weekend and...you know what to do!

Regards,
E.D.




LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: February 23rd, 2011, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
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I decided to get to one of yours Brett, let some bygones be bygones and all that jazz. I breezed by the comments above so my thoughts would not be influenced. But I did look at, for a few seconds, your inspired spark. I too, love Burn Notice. Maybe that's why you set it in Miami.


I do like the idea that you reveal we are in Miami when the question is asked. This suggests without calling any camera angles close ups on Carson and /or Peter until the question is asked. Otherwise, we would see the view a bit earlier. Of course, this means that Peter's desk faces the window, and not a door. I think it might look better if the window view was off to the side (right or left) and the other side (right or left) is the entrance to the office.

Then the tables are turned on Peter. I was with this, and the 'Burn Notice flavor does creep in (too close, I think- Carson might as well be an evil Michael Weston; he has that speech pattern of sorts) but there is one thing that does not belong.p8:

Quoted Text
Stare down. Trigger finger poised. Is he lying?

To be honest, I don't really know. Why bring me out and ask me? As far as I know, it's the only one of two hiccups here. It's too short to get a firm grip of what's really going on - but if ever Matt Nix & co. wanted a spec for the show...? I could see you giving it a go. Minus the pinky, of course.
Sub sandwiches are fine, so long as there's peppers and mustard...
.
Not a bad effort....but there's that one ...last... thing...

Quoted Text
Carson gut kicks Peter.
Peter misses with a sweep kick.


An abracabra moment, making the desk (and polygraph, computer, sandwich...) disappear! Also known as a continuity error. No biggie. Just have Peter come around before the smackdown. Just a thought.


-djs





"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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Revision History (1 edits)
DarrenJamesSeeley  -  February 24th, 2011, 11:01am
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screenrider
Posted: February 24th, 2011, 12:21am Report to Moderator
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Brett,

I read this a week ago and for some reason didn't much care for it.  But I just read it again and really liked it.  Go figure.   Only thing I had a problem with was the kid's severed finger.   Too extreme, IMO.   I see you've gotten plenty of other feedback so I'll just leave it at that.    

Impressive.   Thumbs up.
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leitskev
Posted: February 25th, 2011, 12:09am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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For a short, this really does an outstanding job building and maintaining tension. I agree the helicopter escape was maybe a little over the top, and the dialogue could be tweaked in a couple of spots as suggested by other posters, but on the whole, I thought this was exceptionally well done.
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wonkavite
Posted: February 25th, 2011, 8:41am Report to Moderator
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*Warning: a few spoilers*

Hi Brett -

Read Lie Detector - and like the snappy dialogue.  Okay, the helicopter was way over the top...but for some reason that didn't bother me all that much.  Kept my interest, despite a few confusing turns.

FWIW: A few items that bugged me a bit:

* Peter keeps his finger poised on the button.  What button?  You mention that he pitches forward in his chair, but that doesn't make it clear that he's really got a panic button that he's about to hit...

* P 5 - "repurposes a promising career."  Just seemed awkward.  You just don't hear "repurposing" enough in everyday dialogue to let that word choice ring smoothly...

*Finally - I'm guessing that Peter had people he was working with, when he set up the polygraph.  Guns go off, glass gets blasted out - where were they?  Honestly, I'm willing to suspend disbelief on this one, because it's a fun story.  But if you really examine it...  

Still - fun read.  Thx!
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leitskev
Posted: February 25th, 2011, 9:13am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Here's the thing, and I am probably very, very wrong on this, based on what I am seeing not only in most scripts here, but in movies made in general: there are too many action "props" used. I realize movies are a visual form but in my opinion sometimes way to much unneeded action is inserted.

Many of the most memorable moments in great movies seem to be where there is a tension built on the threat of action, not on the action itself. The tension built in this little short was very effective and didn't need helicopters and shot out windows. It really didn't even need a gun. Carson knew where he was when he went there, surrounded by cops.

The point of it was that he was in control without a weapon. His control came from his hostages, and his weapon was the sandwich. Using hostages like that is not original by itself. But using the polygraph like that is pretty original, as far as I know. When someone claims they have so and so as a hostage, how do you know they are on the level? Carson solved that by using the lie detector test.

But I know less than nothing. If you took out the helicopter and the gun out, to me a very entertaining short becomes even better. However, if a major studio were ever to include this scene in a movie, they would probably bring back the copter and the gun! So you probably have it right leaving that stuff in.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley
I decided to get to one of yours Brett, let some bygones be bygones and all that jazz. I breezed by the comments above so my thoughts would not be influenced. But I did look at, for a few seconds, your inspired spark. I too, love Burn Notice. Maybe that's why you set it in Miami.

Hey Darren!

Thanks for the read. I'm happy to set the record straight about bygones.
I'll be brief since it seems you're embroiled in a brew ha-ha on the OWC thread.
I was never upset at you, just dropped you from my "must read" list of members.
I never had a personal ax to grind with you over it.
In retrospect, perhaps I should not have jumped on the bandwagon, but I did.
Why? Honestly, I was a little hurt and I shouldn't let personal feelings get in the way.
Everyone has their own reasons for their behavior.
And it rarely has anything to do with others, but more do to with themselves.
I have no right to take personally why someone does not respond to things.
Not exactly brief

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley

I do like the idea that you reveal we are in Miami when the question is asked. This suggests without calling any camera angles close ups on Carson and /or Peter until the question is asked. Otherwise, we would see the view a bit earlier. Of course, this means that Peter's desk faces the window, and not a door. I think it might look better if the window view was off to the side (right or left) and the other side (right or left) is the entrance to the office.

I went with Miami partially because of the show and I used to live there.
If that story were to continue, my knowledge of the city would help write the escape.
It's a funny sunny city for a fun, sun drenched adventure.
I'm so tired of the doom dark and dreary action films.
Yeah, the city reveal has merit, but it's also a tad confusing to fathom.
Someone suggested a panoramic shot at the beginning of the script.
This script may split into two entities.
A budgeted short and a full blown feature adventure.
To start, I wanted it to be a hybrid short to experiment with potential.

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley

Then the tables are turned on Peter. I was with this, and the 'Burn Notice flavor does creep in (too close, I think- Carson might as well be an evil Michael Weston; he has that speech pattern of sorts) but there is one thing that does not belong.

To be honest, I don't really know. Why bring me out and ask me? As far as I know, it's the only one of two hiccups here. It's too short to get a firm grip of what's really going on - but if ever Matt Nix & co. wanted a spec for the show...? I could see you giving it a go. Minus the pinky, of course.
Sub sandwiches are fine, so long as there's peppers and mustard...

Yeah, odd style flourishes creep in some times. What can I say?
In the moment, it seemed like a good idea.
It's hard to resist the urge every time you want to get all fancy pants. Heh.
Mmm, mustard and peppers are nummy.

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley

Not a bad effort....but there's that one ...last... thing...

An abracabra moment, making the desk (and polygraph, computer, sandwich...) disappear! Also known as a continuity error. No biggie. Just have Peter come around before the smackdown. Just a thought.

-djs

Ahh, I did have a line of action in there that addressed this issue.
A beat where Peter comes out and presses the Glock against Carson's forehead.
I must have erased it in this draft, that can be rectified, thanks!

Thanks lots for the effort.
Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.



LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from screenrider
Brett,

I read this a week ago and for some reason didn't much care for it.  But I just read it again and really liked it.  Go figure.   Only thing I had a problem with was the kid's severed finger.   Too extreme, IMO.   I see you've gotten plenty of other feedback so I'll just leave it at that.    

Impressive.   Thumbs up.


Hey Screen!

Huh. Ain't it funny sometimes how a second read can come off different?
I've had that happen to a few scripts here.
Something clicks in my dumb old brainpan and suddenly, I get it.
A latch onto a visual cue or something and ride it through the pages!
Thanks for the read!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
For a short, this really does an outstanding job building and maintaining tension. I agree the helicopter escape was maybe a little over the top, and the dialogue could be tweaked in a couple of spots as suggested by other posters, but on the whole, I thought this was exceptionally well done.

Hey Leitskev!

Thanks for the read!
I deliberately made Lie Detector a hybridized short.
I wanted to experiment with it being a compartmentalized budget short.
But also put in tent pole feature elements to see if they would work.
I thought it might be an effective way to cast a wide net of interest.
A short director may see a chance to tone it down a film it.
A feature producer may look at it and want to crank it up to 11 for a feature.
Next time around, I'll probably separate the two ideas.
I'm glad you enjoyed the read.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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