Quoted from wonkavite *Warning: a few spoilers* Hi Brett - Read Lie Detector - and like the snappy dialogue.  Okay, the helicopter was way over the top...but for some reason that didn't bother me all that much.  Kept my interest, despite a few confusing turns.

Hey Wonka!

Thanks for the read, member input is always appreciated.
Even with the short page count, I was hoping I set it up well enough to go over the top.
In my mind, building the action up in stages then revealing the big prop works better.
It's an ambitious idea and as a result a tad schizophrenic at times, I admit.
I experimented with low cost short and feature adventure potential simultaneously.

Quoted from wonkavite FWIW: A few items that bugged me a bit: * Peter keeps his finger poised on the button.  What button?  You mention that he pitches forward in his chair, but that doesn't make it clear that he's really got a panic button that he's about to hit... * P 5 - "repurposes a promising career."  Just seemed awkward.  You just don't hear "repurposing" enough in everyday dialogue to let that word choice ring smoothly... *Finally - I'm guessing that Peter had people he was working with, when he set up the polygraph.  Guns go off, glass gets blasted out - where were they?  Honestly, I'm willing to suspend disbelief on this one, because it's a fun story.  But if you really examine it...   Still - fun read.  Thx!

* - I could set up the button a bit better, I'll look at that next draft.

* - I used the repurpose line as if it was quoted from the television show.
     Perhaps I could enhance Carson's sarcasm there a bit for clarity's sake. Thanks.

* - I appreciate the suspension of disbelief, it's needed for these types of tales.
     A bomb in the lobby trumps a gun shot on the tenth floor in my mind.
     However, if the story continued, that would be the next hurdle for the characters.

Thanks kindly for your effort.
If there's a script of yours you'd like eyes on, let me know.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from leitskev Here's the thing, and I am probably very, very wrong on this, based on what I am seeing not only in most scripts here, but in movies made in general: there are too many action "props" used. I realize movies are a visual form but in my opinion sometimes way to much unneeded action is inserted. Many of the most memorable moments in great movies seem to be where there is a tension built on the threat of action, not on the action itself. The tension built in this little short was very effective and didn't need helicopters and shot out windows. It really didn't even need a gun. Carson knew where he was when he went there, surrounded by cops. The point of it was that he was in control without a weapon. His control came from his hostages, and his weapon was the sandwich. Using hostages like that is not original by itself. But using the polygraph like that is pretty original, as far as I know. When someone claims they have so and so as a hostage, how do you know they are on the level? Carson solved that by using the lie detector test. But I know less than nothing. If you took out the helicopter and the gun out, to me a very entertaining short becomes even better. However, if a major studio were ever to include this scene in a movie, they would probably bring back the copter and the gun! So you probably have it right leaving that stuff in.

Leitskev,

You're right and right!

Lie Detector was written as an unplanned experiment, no prep notes.
It was the first time I stared down the Great White Blank Page and just typed.
I wanted to see if I could bring a single idea/image into focus on the page.
My goal was to try to entice a wide range of potential interest for the idea.
It could be compartmentalized down into a taut little corker of a short.
Or, it could go full blown action adventure feature length script.
I hoped to show the potential with this "hybrid" script for both scenarios.

The polygraph is the key to the fresh perspective on a familiar scenario.
It's initially what got me excited to plot out this tale of tension and deception.
I was also enamored with the idea of shifting the power as the pages unfold.
Carson appears to start out on his heels and then the scales slowly tip his way.

The next time I revisit this script, I think I need to separate the concepts.
One version will be a small scale short with less big props and effects.
The other will be written for a feature adventure going for broke action.
So, we'll see how it all plays out for these two guys.

Thanks much for sharing your insights.
If there's something of yours you'd like some input on, let me know.

Regards,
E.D.

Brett,

Thought I'd give this one a read; return the favor.

Overall, I liked it. I thought it was tense, and you did a good job having a cat-and-mouse type interplay between the two guys.  However, like a few other reviews I read, I was kind of confused about their exact relationship to one another (although I'm pretty sure I could guess it).  And as of right now I'm teetering between liking and hating the ending; leaning moreso towards the former.  But you should know, if I hate it, it's only because I want to see more (so take that for what it's worth).

Oh, and him taking a bite out of the sandwich?  Too much, I think.

-Matt

Quoted from Dressel Brett, Thought I'd give this one a read; return the favor. Overall, I liked it. I thought it was tense, and you did a good job having a cat-and-mouse type interplay between the two guys.  However, like a few other reviews I read, I was kind of confused about their exact relationship to one another (although I'm pretty sure I could guess it).  And as of right now I'm teetering between liking and hating the ending; leaning moreso towards the former.  But you should know, if I hate it, it's only because I want to see more (so take that for what it's worth). Oh, and him taking a bite out of the sandwich?  Too much, I think. -Matt

Matt,

Thanks for the read back, it's always appreciated.
I understand the duality of some of your sentiments.
It's a duality I struggled with when composing this script.
I wanted Lie Detector to be seen with multiple possibilities for production.
To that end, I encapsulated it enough it could be scaled down further for production.
Or, it could be expanded upon for a feature length action adventure.
To that end, I added some rather expensive over the top elements to the script.
I felt that if I went this route, I could perhaps appeal to a wide range of producers.

I'm debating two rewrites on this premise.
1) Scaling it back to make it more appealing to a short film producer.
2) Going full monty action and making this a feature length script.

Awww, why waste a perfectly good sandwich? Carson was hungry.
It's a polarizing moment I thought would help solidify Carson's character.
Thanks for your time, I'm glad you enjoyed the read.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey E.D.

Very fast, pretty smooth read you have here.  The dialogue is crisp, fast and explanatory just like it is on 'Burn Notice'.  I read through it twice actually.

After I read it the first time, I went back to read the beginning again because I didn't quite get the idea why Carson was taking a lie detector test in the first place.  It's a great place to start a story, but it's not clear as to how Carson got there.  We found out his intention, but I think a lot needs answered as to why he needed the test done and how he set it up to get Peter as his polygrapher in the first place.

I see the part where they say something about sworn testimony, but it still seems vague to me.  Don't lawyers have to be there for sworn testimony?  And I think it has to be recorded, too.

I am a little curious as to how Peter caught on really fast that Carson was danger.  Peter asks if that's his real name, and Carson (who's been being a smartass with the answers already anyway) simply says 'no'.  All of a sudden, Peter's ready to hit the panic button because of a smart alec comment?  It just sounds like he's jumping the gun.

Besides that, I thought the story was really good.  I was interested the whole way through.  Actually, I still am interested to know what happens between these two.  I hope you do plan on expanding it because I do think it would make an interesting little thriller.  There's a lot of places you could go with those two characters.

I saw you mention something about the mechanics of the screenplay in a post of yours.  Well, I'm not much on the technicalities of screenwriting, (I think the writer should tell it however they feel most comfortable), but considering how smooth of a read it was, I have to say, there's nothing that ever took me out of the element of the story, which leads me to believe there wasn't anything obtrusive script-wise.  So definately a good job on that.

A good job in general, actually.  Like I said, you got me interested in wanting to see more of what happens, see where you go with it.  I was angry it didn't give me all the answers I wanted at the end, but I'll definately read it again if you expand it into a feature, or even a longer short.

I'll be seeing you around.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Hey E.D. Very fast, pretty smooth read you have here.  The dialogue is crisp, fast and explanatory just like it is on 'Burn Notice'.  I read through it twice actually. After I read it the first time, I went back to read the beginning again because I didn't quite get the idea why Carson was taking a lie detector test in the first place.  It's a great place to start a story, but it's not clear as to how Carson got there.  We found out his intention, but I think a lot needs answered as to why he needed the test done and how he set it up to get Peter as his polygrapher in the first place. I see the part where they say something about sworn testimony, but it still seems vague to me.  Don't lawyers have to be there for sworn testimony?  And I think it has to be recorded, too.

Hey Mark,

Thanks for the read!
I'm glad you enjoyed the story, pacing was a primary concern for me.
I wanted to keep things moving for what is essentially a talking heads script.
You're right, it's not entirely clear on how Carson arranged to meet Peter.
If this were to be expanded, that would be touched upon to some degree.
I wanted to write a "hybridized" short.
One that could be reined in a bit and made into a economical short, or...
One that could be expanded and turned into a feature length adventure.
To that end, I wanted to try to appeal to as many producer types as possible.
I also realize that may mean alienating script readers with a different perspective.
I tried my best to meld the two in an engaging fast paced story.

Good point on the testimony part, I may change it into affidavit confirmation.
Bottom line, I want those two in that room alone for the fireworks show.
The recording element came into play on the laptop, but for a different reason.

Quoted from rc1107 I am a little curious as to how Peter caught on really fast that Carson was danger.  Peter asks if that's his real name, and Carson (who's been being a smartass with the answers already anyway) simply says 'no'.  All of a sudden, Peter's ready to hit the panic button because of a smart alec comment?  It just sounds like he's jumping the gun.

Hmm, I can see your point.
Perhaps it should start out as a joke, a shared laugh that eventually goes sour.
Could be a nice way to start the ride, thanks.

Quoted from rc1107 Besides that, I thought the story was really good.  I was interested the whole way through.  Actually, I still am interested to know what happens between these two.  I hope you do plan on expanding it because I do think it would make an interesting little thriller.  There's a lot of places you could go with those two characters. I saw you mention something about the mechanics of the screenplay in a post of yours.  Well, I'm not much on the technicalities of screenwriting, (I think the writer should tell it however they feel most comfortable), but considering how smooth of a read it was, I have to say, there's nothing that ever took me out of the element of the story, which leads me to believe there wasn't anything obtrusive script-wise.  So definately a good job on that. A good job in general, actually.  Like I said, you got me interested in wanting to see more of what happens, see where you go with it.  I was angry it didn't give me all the answers I wanted at the end, but I'll definately read it again if you expand it into a feature, or even a longer short. I'll be seeing you around. - Mark

Thanks again, Mark. I wanted this to be a smooth and efficient read.
I do plan on working on this in the future.
I'm glad this pretty much accomplished what i set out for with you.
If only you were a producer, we could get the ball rolling, heh.

If there's something you'd like eyes on, let me know.

Regards,
E.D.

Great story. Enjoyed!

Quoted from Jerry Great story. Enjoyed!

Jerry,

Great post. Thanks!
Should you feel the inclination to elaborate, please feel free to do so.
Is there any work of yours posted on SS you'd like looked at?

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Brett.

There's always one, and in this case, it's me. Although this was well-written, it just didn't do anything for me. It all felt a bit disorienting. By the end I was forcing myself to finish it. Carson was surely, at least in part, based on Verbal Kint? A lot of stories that deal with this setup push a super clever, control the scene antag and it's not something I ever really enjoy. That was the thing that turned me off pretty early. This type of approach is not gritty enough unless there's something unique about the character. Too much makeup on its mush when he's just another cookie cutter, if you will. If you look at Ben Kingsley's Don Logan in Sexy Beast, you're terrified of him 'cos there's a simmering powerfulness which is hidden by what are the words, ostensibly, of a man who means well. That's compelling. We're being challenged. Carson is just a smart arse who holds all the answers and Peter is like a submissive rabbit in the headlights. He's too obviously a pawn who Carson is able to toy with to show us how clever he is, so we lose any sense of nuance.

Two of my favourite antags (if you can them that) would be Patrick Bateman and Travis Bickle. Bateman is supposedly based, loosely, on Ted Bundy. Bundy is, for some reason, a source of interest to many. I've never got that. He's a charming, intelligent killer. So what? That's boring. Bateman worked so well 'cos he has more depth and is placed in a world that contextualises his selfish attitude. You don't get the benefit to contextualise Carson, so the reliance is on the character being compelling enough. Which leads me back to Don Logan and the tension he brings to the screen with the unpredictability. So really, it's the way you've set up the main character that brings this down for me, as opposed to it being a bad story.

Quoted from Andrew Hey Brett. There's always one, and in this case, it's me. Although this was well-written, it just didn't do anything for me. It all felt a bit disorienting. By the end I was forcing myself to finish it. Carson was surely, at least in part, based on Verbal Kint? A lot of stories that deal with this setup push a super clever, control the scene antag and it's not something I ever really enjoy. That was the thing that turned me off pretty early.

Hey Andrew,

Thanks for the read, it's been a while since I looked at this one.
This was written cold, no prep, just staring down the great white blank beast.
I was struggling with economizing my action description at the time.
It was intentionally written as somewhat open ended to appeal to a wide audience.
I wanted to it have enough to scope to be expandable into a feature, and...
Compartmentalized enough it could be scaled back a bit for a short.
The latter seems more likely, as a producer has expressed interest to this end.
Casting a wide net like this, you're bound to alienate some folks.
I appreciate you honesty, it's all good.
I never thought of Verbal Kent with this one. He's a puppet master.
Here, Carson is a hired gun that's playing with a loaded deck.
I can see where you might draw the comparison though.
All I wanted to create was a breezy action adventure adversarial adventure.  

Quoted from Andrew This type of approach is not gritty enough unless there's something unique about the character. Too much makeup on its mush when he's just another cookie cutter, if you will. If you look at Ben Kingsley's Don Logan in Sexy Beast, you're terrified of him 'cos there's a simmering powerfulness which is hidden by what are the words, ostensibly, of a man who means well. That's compelling. We're being challenged. Carson is just a smart arse who holds all the answers and Peter is like a submissive rabbit in the headlights. He's too obviously a pawn who Carson is able to toy with to show us how clever he is, so we lose any sense of nuance.

That's a fair assessment. I certainly wasn't going for nuance here.
My mindset was more along summertime action/adventure type material.
This is a blueprint for something that could go a couple of ways.
Should this producer want to move forward, I'll keep this all in mind, thanks.

Quoted from Andrew Two of my favourite antags (if you can them that) would be Patrick Bateman and Travis Bickle. Bateman is supposedly based, loosely, on Ted Bundy. Bundy is, for some reason, a source of interest to many. I've never got that. He's a charming, intelligent killer. So what? That's boring. Bateman worked so well 'cos he has more depth and is placed in a world that contextualises his selfish attitude. You don't get the benefit to contextualise Carson, so the reliance is on the character being compelling enough. Which leads me back to Don Logan and the tension he brings to the screen with the unpredictability. So really, it's the way you've set up the main character that brings this down for me, as opposed to it being a bad story.

I tried to give Peter more spine towards the conclusion.
I can see that didn't work for you.
Peter and the structure could use a polish for sure.
If producer interest moves forward, I'll keep all this in mind.
Lie Detector is very incomplete and your notes will be useful, thanks!

Regards,
E.D.

Nice job Brett! Happy to say I gave this a good review. I look forward to seeing it!

Edit: I assume no helicopter!

Good job, Brett...it's starting...

Hey Brett.

I'm on a short break at work right now, so I'll check out 'Orbito' when I get off tonight.

But congrats on the option.  Was any of the interest in 'Lie Detector' influenced from any of your contact at pitchfest, or did you send out the script to the company, or did they find it here on SS and contact you?

- Mark

Hey Electric Dreamer!

Your getting closer! Keep up the good work and keep pushing. Good things are bound to happen eh?

Hugh