Quoted from leitskev Nice job Brett! Happy to say I gave this a good review. I look forward to seeing it! Edit: I assume no helicopter!

Thanks Kev!
Yes, the rope ladder and implied helicopter will be beating a hasty retreat.
I turned in the Puerto Rico draft this morning, so we'll see how it's received.

Quoted from Dreamscale Good job, Brett...it's starting...

Thanks, Jeff.
It's a nice feeling.
Helps balance out the rejections, for sure.

Quoted from Hugh Hoyland Hey Electric Dreamer! Your getting closer! Keep up the good work and keep pushing. Good things are bound to happen eh? Hugh

Hey Hugh!

Thanks for the sage words.
I'm keeping my head down and letting the setbacks slide off.
I figure if I stay busy, I won't dwell on things that don't work out.

Regards to All,
E.D.

Quoted from rc1107 Hey Brett. I'm on a short break at work right now, so I'll check out 'Orbito' when I get off tonight. But congrats on the option.  Was any of the interest in 'Lie Detector' influenced from any of your contact at pitchfest, or did you send out the script to the company, or did they find it here on SS and contact you? - Mark

Hey Mark!

Hang in there, carve out some time for yourself in your busy schedule too!
Lemme know what you think of "Obito".
They put that together in a week, from conception to post-production.

As to your question, the answer would be...
None of the above.
Lie Detector has gotten a lot of heat on InkTip.

Someone, perhaps Babz or Mattias maybe, mentioned a free service InkTip offers.
You post shorts for FREE on their site for one year.
Post the title, genre, logline and contact info on their site.
Interested folks contact you privately regarding script requests.

In the first two months, I got 14 script requests for Lie Detector!

Try to enjoy your weekend.
I recommend the service to anyone looking to pimp their shorts.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Brett.

I've heard a couple other people talking about how they've gotten produced through Inktip, too.  Sounds like a great place for those of us writers who like to concentrate on short scripts to hone in on their craft and get some films into our portfolio.

I was going to start another thread for Obito.  I wasn't sure if you wanted it taking up any of your Lie Detector space, but figured I'd post it here anyhow since you posted the film here.

As for 'Obito'... eh... it was all right.  I like it a little bit more than I would've if I didn't know it was what we here at SS call an OWC.

The shots in themselves were great, great camera work and score and everything.  I think what kind of brought it down for me though was the character 'Dude With a Soul Patch'.  (There wasn't a name for him, so that's what I called him in my head.)  He was kind of annoying and an overactor, and since the focus of the film was on him, I couldn't stop thinking about how annoying he was.  To me, at least.

Other than him, it was pretty good, especially for a week.  I wonder if they took the dialogue out explicitly for that silent film competition or not.  Like I said, the director seems kind of interesting.  I'd like to see what he could do with a dialogue-driven script.  Hopefully, he shies away from that actor.

Hope everything else is going good with ya.  I'm hoping to get some time to myself in the next couple weeks.

Talk to you later.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Hey Brett. The shots in themselves were great, great camera work and score and everything.  I think what kind of brought it down for me though was the character 'Dude With a Soul Patch'.  (There wasn't a name for him, so that's what I called him in my head.)  He was kind of annoying and an overactor, and since the focus of the film was on him, I couldn't stop thinking about how annoying he was.  To me, at least. Other than him, it was pretty good, especially for a week.  I wonder if they took the dialogue out explicitly for that silent film competition or not.  Like I said, the director seems kind of interesting.  I'd like to see what he could do with a dialogue-driven script.  Hopefully, he shies away from that actor. Hope everything else is going good with ya.  I'm hoping to get some time to myself in the next couple weeks. Talk to you later. - Mark

Hey Mark,

I agree about the director.
Federico's placement of the camera really struck me.
He has an intuitive sense of the anamorphic for a young up and comer.
I think that style can lend itself to a tense tale of two men clashing.
Federico lets the frame breathe, his confidence in his set ups shine through.
And yes, the Obito's original score was a another feather in his cap for me.

Obito was specifically made for the competition.
It had no dialogue planned right from the beginning.
He's wrapping up a wedding comedy right now, that should be interesting.
I just sent off the Puerto Rico draft, hopefully I'll hear something soon.
As for me, gearing up for another feature to finish by September!

Have a great weekend, Mark.
Take care of yourself and don't work too hard!

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Brett

Just read the new revision.

You may recall, I liked the script before, and loved the premise behind it. A lot has changed.

The first 7 pages in this version really had me. One of the best shorts I've read, up to that point, a gripping concept.

I do not approve the direction things went in the end. I realize this is being produced, so perhaps you were accommodating director's instructions. Let me explain why I don't like where things went.

The premise here is that the bad guy, Carson, can walk into enemy territory(the cops) completely unarmed, and still control the situation. He does this with two things: a hostage, and a lie detector machine. The appeal of the premise is the originality of the idea of a criminal using the lie detector to control things. What's cool is that the bad guy controls everything, not with violence, but with the threat of violence.

First problem is the website video showing the kid being held hostage. This kind of negates the need to sever the finger of the boy, though not totally, I  guess, because it shows Carson's willingness to use violence. But it does negate it to a degree, as the hostage situation should be enough of a threat. But a bigger issue with the video is that it now negates the need for the lie detector. The whole point of the lie detector was to make his threats credible. With the video, there's not much point to having the lie detector confirm the threat.

Next problem is where things go in the last two pages, the conclusion. The whole tenor of this story changes when things go from calm, cool control to frolicking violence, with an exploding phone,  and a cord strangling, kicking fight.  Not only is the idea of cool control through threat changed, I'm not even sure things are logical anymore. I know you're looking for a last second twist after Paul downloads the info, I'm just not sure I understand this. I mean, Carson is a planning type of guy. He would have anticipated what to do or say if Paul pulled a gun on him. And it seems to me he had Paul over a barrel, so why would Paul pull the gun? Why risk his son's life?

I think you still have a great script that highlights your talent as a writer, something that should really serve you well. I'm just not sure about the end here. If this has not been filmed yet, maybe the director would be open to some alterations at the end. Hopefully some others will read and chime in here, as what the h#ll do I know!

Quoted from leitskev Hey Brett Just read the new revision. You may recall, I liked the script before, and loved the premise behind it. A lot has changed. The first 7 pages in this version really had me. One of the best shorts I've read, up to that point, a gripping concept.

Hey Kev!

You're always amongst the first to read new material and offer detailed comments.
This is the draft I submitted to Burning Phoenix films last week.
There was a list of changes I was asked to make.
I'll go into detail tomorrow about that list, gotta dash in a few ticks.
I"m glad the reworking of this idea set an effective stage for you.
I wanted to bring some texture to the summer sheen of this story.

Quoted from leitskev I do not approve the direction things went in the end. I realize this is being produced, so perhaps you were accommodating director's instructions. Let me explain why I don't like where things went. The premise here is that the bad guy, Carson, can walk into enemy territory(the cops) completely unarmed, and still control the situation. He does this with two things: a hostage, and a lie detector machine. The appeal of the premise is the originality of the idea of a criminal using the lie detector to control things. What's cool is that the bad guy controls everything, not with violence, but with the threat of violence. First problem is the website video showing the kid being held hostage. This kind of negates the need to sever the finger of the boy, though not totally, I  guess, because it shows Carson's willingness to use violence. But it does negate it to a degree, as the hostage situation should be enough of a threat. But a bigger issue with the video is that it now negates the need for the lie detector. The whole point of the lie detector was to make his threats credible. With the video, there's not much point to having the lie detector confirm the threat.

I disagree about the finger, it makes a statement about Carson's views on violence.
He is the kind of guy that will go to excesses to prove his point.
But I can see how you could view it as a breach of the theme of the story.
I returned to some of the violence of the original conclusion here.
Perhaps it's not such an easy splice as I had originally thought.

Quoted from leitskev Next problem is where things go in the last two pages, the conclusion. The whole tenor of this story changes when things go from calm, cool control to frolicking violence, with an exploding phone,  and a cord strangling, kicking fight.  Not only is the idea of cool control through threat changed, I'm not even sure things are logical anymore. I know you're looking for a last second twist after Paul downloads the info, I'm just not sure I understand this. I mean, Carson is a planning type of guy. He would have anticipated what to do or say if Paul pulled a gun on him. And it seems to me he had Paul over a barrel, so why would Paul pull the gun? Why risk his son's life?

In the heat of the moment, angry men do reckless things for vengeance.
That's why they get fired from their DEA jobs and relocate to other countries.
But I see your point, the ending could be taken as uneven.
I may indeed reign in the violence even further before shooting.
I will revisit this script once I get more input from the producer/director.

Quoted from leitskev I think you still have a great script that highlights your talent as a writer, something that should really serve you well. I'm just not sure about the end here. If this has not been filmed yet, maybe the director would be open to some alterations at the end. Hopefully some others will read and chime in here, as what the h#ll do I know!

Your opinion rocks just as much as any other contributing member here. It's all good.
You've given me some good food for thought, it's always appreciated.
I'll get into those script notes and requests tomorrow.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Brett

Just to emphasize: it's the website with the live video feed of the boy that is the main problem. It defeats the premise here, which is that the lie detector is what substantiates Carson's threat. If you have a video of his kid being held hostage, you don't need the lie detector. See what I am saying?

I really love this story because of the idea of walking into enemy territory unarmed but being in control because of the lie detector. Original concept, truly original I think. But it doesn't work if you don't need the lie detector. You have to keep that lie detector necessary and essential.

In the original story, the finger proved he had the kid and was capable of violence. But there was no way of knowing if the kid was alive. The lie detector could confirm that, and a few other less dramatic but essential things.

Best of luck with it, I'm glad it's being filmed. Very well written, will be a nice feather in your cap!

Quoted from leitskev Hey Brett Just to emphasize: it's the website with the live video feed of the boy that is the main problem. It defeats the premise here, which is that the lie detector is what substantiates Carson's threat. If you have a video of his kid being held hostage, you don't need the lie detector. See what I am saying?

Hey Kev,

I see what you're saying, no doubt.
To me, it's the next step in progression of the tension.
I felt I needed to pull back the curtain at some point towards the end.
I see how you feel it drags down the premise.
But that premise plays out for 80% of the script.
I was concerned audiences would find it a bit of a cheat if it didn't raise the stakes.
Paul can't take it anymore he snaps and resorts to violence.
My gut tells me there's got to be a breaking point somewhere.
To me, the polygraph validates Carson, which makes the rest have credence.
But I can see how you'd look at it as neutering the premise though.
Most shorts are on a slow burn, I wanted this one to boil over.

Quoted from leitskev I really love this story because of the idea of walking into enemy territory unarmed but being in control because of the lie detector. Original concept, truly original I think. But it doesn't work if you don't need the lie detector. You have to keep that lie detector necessary and essential. In the original story, the finger proved he had the kid and was capable of violence. But there was no way of knowing if the kid was alive. The lie detector could confirm that, and a few other less dramatic but essential things. Best of luck with it, I'm glad it's being filmed. Very well written, will be a nice feather in your cap!

I would suggest that the polygraph gives Carson some cradibility.
He uses that device to establish his presence.
Because he reaches a point where he doesn't need it, does it really negate it?
It's a progression, does the change of thrust cancel out the build up?
I'll have to meditate on that.
I tried to establish that Carson likes games.
Hence, part of the reason why he does things in the order that he does.
He enjoys it so much, he stops for a  smoke at the end, a post coital vibe, etc.

EDIT: I'm glad it inspired you to write such detailed thoughts.
Regardless out the outcome, this script got you thinking, and I appreciate that.

Regards,
E.D.

All valid points, Brett. Like I said, to me it was the originality of the premise that was most cool, so I'd prefer to see it's power maintained. But I understand what you're saying.

I'm not sure what you mean by inspiring me to write. You mean write reviews of this? I always try to help. Generally my reviews are detailed, even for those little 48hr contests.

As for your influence on my work, I would say possibly Red Sun had an effect. It's an action based script, and your action lines are sparse and broken up. Gives it a nice, clear flow. In the action heavy scenes, it does a nice job of conforming to the golden rule of one page per minute.

Hey Brett,

I think you can trim some of the dialogue.

For instance, in your opening, you have a dialogue exchange between Carson and Paul. I think you can eliminate that and start with Paul's dialogue in which he's trying to calm Carson and explain what he's doing. Why?

Get into the story as quick as possible, less pages, and having Paul start off makes him the authoritative figure. I view Paul's character more in control since he's administering this test. Having those dialogue exchanges where Carson talks and doesn't even follow the rules of answering yes or no makes Paul look weak. this script should a slow progression of power changing hands. My opinion though.  

Another example, when Carson asks for his cell phone, Paul can refuse and tell him where it is. No question, just "I'm sorry but you can't at this time. You can reclaim your phone at the lobby when the test is over".  

I also believe that Paul should tell Carson to answer yes or no a bit early on. I'm sure that Paul doesn't want to be in there very long. Also, story wise, it establishes the rules the scripts based on.

Not having been into this situation, Would they let Carson in with a backpack especially with food? What if the sandwitch was delivered to Paul when the test  going on?

I will not try to give you more work to do. God knows I hate such things when it happens. But sometimes it helps with he story.

Hope this helps. Good luck with the production.
Gabe

Brett, just read your new draft, as requested.

I actually think this is much better than the draft I read earlier in the year.  I feel the writing itself is better and you cleaned up several problem areas, most notably, the lie detector output.

A few things I'll throw out and then I found a few typos/etc. I'll list for you.

The change in locale works well.  I'd actually prefer seeing an EXT shot of the actual building they're in, just so we know where it is compared to the coast, etc.  If you're going for an EXT shot to start things off, showing old San Juan, I don't think a simple shot of the building would be an issue.

The biggest problem I see you fixed, is the actual lie detector stuff, in that, now, we can actually see what Paul is looking at, and it makes it very clear whether or not Carson is being truthful.

There's also a drawback here.  Now, I'm no polygraph expert, but I'm 99% sure that polygraph machines have to to be "read" by an expert to garner what's true and what's false.  There isn't a little green or red word, saying "true" or "false".  And although having such a device here, makes things much clearer, it also is going to come across as very fake, and made up, and could ruin the integrity of the entire piece.

IMO, a better way to go about it is to have the same wavy lines going on the screen (as they are in reality), and have Paul write "true" or false" down next to his printed questions...or something like that.  It would really add to the reality here.

I was never a big fan of the finger sandwich and I'm still not, but it does play out better in this draft.  I do see Kevin's point though for both the finger and the internet stream of Sam.  I'm kind of on the fence about it, actually, as I see how it works and how it doesn't work, within the confines of the whole "lie detector" analogy.

One issue I do have is the lack of description of the hourglass.  You say it's "small", but I doubt it actually is, based on how much time passes before it runs out.  Even if you take away all the stuff we see in the script between Paul and Carson, Paul's journey down 3 stories (after a bomb has gone off), across the street, and into a building he's not familiar with would take more time than a small hourglass would possess.  IMO, an actual digital stopwatch set at 10 minutes or so, would be much more believable (and really...who uses hourglasses anymore?).

On the same note, I didn't like the ending...or the wording of Paul leaving.  I actually had to read it 3 times to figure out that I didn't miss anything.  "Paul exits." on the same line as "The two men stare at each other." doesn't work for me at all.  If nothing else, IMO, you should have Paul say something like, "My son had better be alright, you bastard.", and then have a separate line, like, "Paul rushes out of the office.".

I'm not sure how Carson is supposed to get away, either, and his sitting there, calmly smoking, comes off kind strange.

Overall, though, I like it and look forward to seeing the finished product.

A few typos...

Page 5 - "nest" - "next"

Page 9 - There are actually several awkwardly phrased lines here, IMO, as well as some confusing lines, based on the use of "he", meaning, I'm not sure who "he" is referring to.  Here are the worst offenders...but maybe look at the entire page again.

"Carson kidney punches Paul, the agent grimaces." - This is definitely 2 separate sentences and needs to be broken up, as it reads poorly like this.

"Carson grabs the Glock. He releases Paul." - This one could/should be 1 sentence. - "Carson grabs the Glock, releases Paul."

"Paul gasps and coughs. He pulls the cord off his neck." - Again, could/should be a single line with out "He".  A comma or maybe even better, an ellipses would work well here.

"He grabs they key chain and exits." - "they" should be "the"

Great work here and congrats on your successes!  Hope this helps.

***New Draft Update***

It was suggested I should post here the producer's requests for changes.
To give you an idea of what challenges I faced with this production draft.
So here goes...

1) Change the location to San Juan, Puerto Rico.
2) Use the lie detector results to heighten the tension by showing results to audience.
3) I prefer the bad guy winning, but so long as it's a cool ending, I'll support it.
4) Keep it to one location for the main characters.
5) Add a family member so long as it's a very simple setting and easy to shoot.
6) Keep the script to under 10 pages. I have three days budgeted to shoot this.


I'll get to the eager beaver reviewers that beat me to the punch soon!

E.D.

This trailer convinced me Burning Phoenix was a good fit for Lie Detector.

I had figured he asked you to make the lie detector results visible. I agree with Jeff that a jumping needle would do the trick, and this has been done plenty often enough on TV or in movies, so it works.

Add a family member was an instruction, and at the same time they asked for one location. Hmm. Well, you certainly came up with a solution consistent with that request.

Hi Brett. First off, theres certainly alot more tension in this draft, than in the first one. I like the addition of showing whats on the laptop and the image reflecting on Pauls glasses, nice visual. At the end of page 3, I think the shot of Pauls hand disappearing under the desk should be written like this:

UNDER DESK - PANIC BUTTON

Paul's finger hovers over a red button.

BACK TO SCENE

Carson and Paul chatting changes from a medium shot and then under the desk to this close up specific detail. Some may feel this interrupts the read, but from the way I see, this seems more natural and logical. Just my opinion.

Page 7, 'Paul plugs the flash drive into his laptop and keys buttons'. That reads a little awkward, as keys is a verb and a noun. Perhaps use 'Paul plugs the flash drive into his laptop and strikes/hits/taps a series of buttons/keys.'

Page 8, I don't understand this action line, 'Stare down. Finger trigger poised.' It needs a name or some more description.

I think you fulfilled the 6 points on the notes. I'd like to see that hour glass on the desk run out and just as it runs out Paul reaching Sam. Just adds a little bit more suspense.

Solid work.

I agree 100% with all Eoin's points and considered bringing each up myself.