Hey Brett,

Congrats on getting LIE DETECTOR produced!

> I like the way you adapted the script to PR.

> opening line “old military fort tourist traps” reads awkwardly; long noun string.

> Why is Carson there? Apparently, no grudge between the two. Nothing is mentioned about their paths crossing before. End result: Paul and his son gets the shit scared out of them for no reason the reader understands. Who sent you?! Carson! (I can live with not knowing.)

> I like how you changed the ending to a diversion.

> The ending can be viewed as two ways: Paul got there in time to stay Carson’s trigger or he got there in time to be blown up with his son.

> Dialogue was very good: Carson sounded like Daniel Craig to me, Paul sounded like the actor who plays Steve McGarrett in the new 5-0.

> The drama was based on a primal threat to one’s child. I liked it when Carson said Paul should be proud of his boy. The finger in the sandwich will be remembered as the moment in the film.

Nice, Mr. Martin, very nice.

GARY

My avatar is the cover of Warren Zevon’s Werewolves of London single.

Quoted from grademan > opening line “old military fort tourist traps” reads awkwardly; long noun string. > Why is Carson there? Apparently, no grudge between the two. Nothing is mentioned about their paths crossing before. End result: Paul and his son gets the shit scared out of them for no reason the reader understands.

2 more things I wanted to say but chose not to.  Damn, you guys are reading my frickin' mind lately!

Isn't it explained that Carson's there because of his employers who remain anonymous? That's what I got.

So, it ain't written Carson's motivation but he did want the information on the computer. I think the mystery is good since it will prob to a feature or a sequel.

Gabe

Hey Brett,

As grademan already said, congrats on getting LIE DETECTOR produced!

What I liked was the shift in power in this short.

Regards,

Rutger

Quoted from vancety Hey Brett, As grademan already said, congrats on getting LIE DETECTOR produced! What I liked was the shift in power in this short. Regards, Rutger

Hey Rutger,

Thanks for the well wishes.
We go before the cameras in two months.
Which is why I'm trying to get this script into good shape.

The power shift you mention is what drew me to the idea.
The polygraph is the nifty device, it's the icing on the proverbial cake.
The idea of the power shift being a story arc is what drew me in.
That change felt like a mini three act story structure to me.
Even in a short, I like to have a basic three act structure.

Best of luck with Serial Twins!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey Brett, I think you can trim some of the dialogue. For instance, in your opening, you have a dialogue exchange between Carson and Paul. I think you can eliminate that and start with Paul's dialogue in which he's trying to calm Carson and explain what he's doing. Why? Get into the story as quick as possible, less pages, and having Paul start off makes him the authoritative figure. I view Paul's character more in control since he's administering this test. Having those dialogue exchanges where Carson talks and doesn't even follow the rules of answering yes or no makes Paul look weak. this script should a slow progression of power changing hands. My opinion though.   Another example, when Carson asks for his cell phone, Paul can refuse and tell him where it is. No question, just "I'm sorry but you can't at this time. You can reclaim your phone at the lobby when the test is over".   I also believe that Paul should tell Carson to answer yes or no a bit early on. I'm sure that Paul doesn't want to be in there very long. Also, story wise, it establishes the rules the scripts based on. Not having been into this situation, Would they let Carson in with a backpack especially with food? What if the sandwitch was delivered to Paul when the test  going on? I will not try to give you more work to do. God knows I hate such things when it happens. But sometimes it helps with he story. Hope this helps. Good luck with the production. Gabe

Hey Gabe all good suggestions and rules of thumb you've presented here.
Thanks a bunch!
As a writer, sometimes I loose my way a little bit and need to trim some things.
Not that I think the story is way too "fatty", but could be leaner.
I think you're onto something with Paul's arc.
It will naturally be a bigger shift if I make him more bossy in the beginning.

I cherish the feedback, I need it if I'm going to writer killer scripts.
Satisfaction with a script is fleeting for me.
I put it down for a few days or weeks, then I want another shot at it.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Isn't it explained that Carson's there because of his employers who remain anonymous? That's what I got. So, it ain't written Carson's motivation but he did want the information on the computer. I think the mystery is good since it will prob to a feature or a sequel. Gabe

There is a suggestion of an employer, much more subtle here.
It mostly comes across in how Carson phrases things.
But I wanted there to be a spectre like vibe of an employer on the page.
I felt that was better than the half page of exposition that I had.
That being said, if I get dinged for it a lot, obviously, I'll have to tune on it.

Much thanks for the super thoughts!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Dreamscale 2 more things I wanted to say but chose not to.  Damn, you guys are reading my frickin' mind lately!

When I read this, I had to chuckle, it's a good chuckle.
I get SPECTACULAR feedback from all you contributing members.
I've given some thought as to why, this is all speculation but...

Part of me think, it's because most of the standard format critiques don't apply.
You guys have whipped me into shape enough that I don't get dinged much there.
Which is the kind of stuff a lot of us focus on with new writers.

I also believe that part of it is, putting the feedback to good use.
I try super hard to show in subsequent drafts what I've learned from all of you.
I really do try to take criticisms to heart and improve my craft.
I honestly do get a thrill when someone re-reads my work.
And they see their criticisms manifest into an improved draft.

For me, it's high praise that y'all willingly return to my stuff for another read.
I honesty hope it never stops, so I better keep getting better!

Cheers to you all. You make me suck at this way less!

E.D.

Dreamscale, Eoin & Grademan, my replies to you are next!

Hi Brett,

This was a solid script. The writing was strong and you managed to keep up consistent pace and tension. I also distinctly remember certain plot devices (e.g. the photo, ring, etc.) that came off as a little too cliche for me the first time around, which have since been omitted in favor of the webcam on the laptop. Good thinking. Not just a good amendment to something unfavorable but an interesting device by any accounts. I liked it.

There was a brief line by Carson, which explains Paul is a widower and a disgraced DEA agent, that I felt was written in just a tad too expositional a manner. I think you could write it in a way that's slightly more inferred by just tweaking the wording. Not a big deal though. If you didn't change anything, I think you'd still have some solid writing on your hands.

"You twist the truth until it snaps" was another line that I didn't care for. Awkward and not without a sprinkling of cheese. But again. If you didn't change anything...

Naturally, these are things one forces themselves to come out with when re-reading something, which, more often than not, has eliminated issues from its previous draft. However one thing I would change would be the green TRUTH and the red LIE. Too on-the-nose, especially given how people respond to those colors psychologically. I think red and green lights alone are effective. A minor nitpick, I know, but like I said. Re-reading.

Anyway, that's about it. I think you're in good shape with this one.

Hi E.D!

Congrats on having this optioned - I didn't realise until you PM'd me to read the 'new' version - good job,

I re-read my comments back in January on the original. Obviously you've chganged a couple of things to suit the producer but nothing major.

However, to me, it still moves sort of too quickly into the ' race against the clock' mode. You have changed the tone at the beginning, so we do see that Carson is not just a witness. He is up to something straight away.

But the ease with which Paul believes him - before the finger - is a little too convenient IMO? I dunno...

Anyway, the writing is crisp and i love those 'unfilmables'!! They sure do beat the tedious writing.

Cheers stevie

http://www.youtube.com/user/BWyardsale11#p/u/44/QwgyLRr-oqs

lie detector scene in here. Oldie, but maybe helpful.

Hey Brett -

Definitely like this version better (the helicopter was a bit too much in the previous version.)  Better to keep the story intimate between the two men, Carson and Paul.

A few typos/awkward phrasings that I thought I'd bring up (not a slam at the script per-se, just niggling little things that I'd change personally):

p. 2 Is your name, Carson Briggs?
p. 3 Carson looks at a wall clock, he takes a breath.  (I'd throw an AND in there - or chop it into two separate sentences.)
p. 5 The American masters line...  A bit hokey...I'd use a less cartoony word, IMHO.
p. 5 Paul looks at a portrait on his desk NEST
p. 5 After "I told you already, I'm a bad liar"  - it'd be GREAT if the polygraph flipped to GREEN as a response.  
p. 6 Carson wags an index finger at Paul (take out as he talks.  Kinda implied)
p. 7 Paul yanks and tosses the device to Carson (feels like a word's missing here...?)
p. 8 Bueno.  Like "American Masters", this just feels too cartoony.  Unless Carson means it in a very, very sarcastic way...
p. 9 glances at the laptop.  Almost there.  (I actually didn't understand what he was trying to do for a moment.  Might be clearer to change to "very close".)
p. 9 He grabs THEY key chain

But overall, works well. And congrats on getting it produced!!

About the only thing I'd mention about the characters themselves...  Carson seems almost *too* smooth.  Any way that you can give him a *touch* of doubt or uncertainty, just to make him a little more real/human?  And I agree with a previous reviewer- make Paul's transition to taking Carson seriously a little more dramatic and gradual.  Before the finger, he accepts Carsons attitude a bit too easily...

But a fun read - kudos...!

--J

Hey Dreamer!

Congrats!

I only found a misspelled word and Wonkavite pointed it out above on page 9. They instead of the.

Maybe someone mentioned this before but the line "Paul’s finger hovers over a red button under the drawer." seems akward to me for some reason, an above/under paradox. Yeah I know what you mean but its just nitpick on my part, sorry lol.

IMO as mentioned before maybe Carson could start off as being intimidated as hell at Paul. And Paul being the confident one, maybe over confident. Then gradually (as gradually as you can in a short) switch.

Harley

Nice dude, good tension. Like the back and forth dialogue and game-play from Carson.

Well done.

Ryan

Quoted from grademan Hey Brett, Congrats on getting LIE DETECTOR produced! > I like the way you adapted the script to PR. > opening line “old military fort tourist traps” reads awkwardly; long noun string.

Hey Gary!

Thanks for taking a look at this. My first optioned rewrite request.
Hopefully, a process I have more chances to go through sooner than later!
I'm glad the international flavor came through for you.
Yeah, I haven't figured out that military for line yet, but I like the image.
I knew someone was going to ding me for it, I need to rewrite it somehow.

Quoted from grademan > Why is Carson there? Apparently, no grudge between the two. Nothing is mentioned about their paths crossing before. End result: Paul and his son gets the shit scared out of them for no reason the reader understands. Who sent you?! Carson! (I can live with not knowing.)

Glad to hear that, I didn't want to spend time explaining much in this draft.
So, I tried to give off the air of employment through how Carson handles himself.
And that thrill of being that close to a mark excites him.
He doesn't light a smoke at the end, cuz he's nervous.
It almost feels like a post coital kind of beat to me.

Quoted from grademan > I like how you changed the ending to a diversion. > The ending can be viewed as two ways: Paul got there in time to stay Carson’s trigger or he got there in time to be blown up with his son.

Ah ha! I like your take on the ending. Did I plan it? Maybe.
I'm glad to see the hour glass running out with the webcam image inspired that.
Because you're absolutely right, no one is out of the woods, so to speak.
Cutting to black on that I thought might give this an anything goes vibe. Cool.

Quoted from grademan > Dialogue was very good: Carson sounded like Daniel Craig to me, Paul sounded like the actor who plays Steve McGarrett in the new 5-0. > The drama was based on a primal threat to one’s child. I liked it when Carson said Paul should be proud of his boy. The finger in the sandwich will be remembered as the moment in the film. Nice, Mr. Martin, very nice. GARY

I'm glad this one came together for you better.
I wanted there to be closure with this version, but not define every single thing.
It's a tricky tightrope walk, but I think it helps with the overall tone and tension.
I've been experimenting more with suggesting exposition through characters.
Letting their actions and dialogue hint at their background motivators, etc.

Thanks again, I hope this one makes it before the cameras.
Until then, I'll keep tuning on it when not hammering away on features.
Yay, Warren Zevon! Kevin Smith's next movie is based on one of his songs.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Eoin Hi Brett. First off, theres certainly alot more tension in this draft, than in the first one. I like the addition of showing whats on the laptop and the image reflecting on Pauls glasses, nice visual. At the end of page 3, I think the shot of Pauls hand disappearing under the desk should be written like this: UNDER DESK - PANIC BUTTON Paul's finger hovers over a red button. BACK TO SCENE Carson and Paul chatting changes from a medium shot and then under the desk to this close up specific detail. Some may feel this interrupts the read, but from the way I see, this seems more natural and logical. Just my opinion.

Hey Eoin!

Thanks for taking a look at this, much appreciated.
I'm pleased to hear the overall vibe of the script worked for you.
Great suggestion about the panic button, think I'm gonna steal that one!
The detector results in the glasses was in the moment idea as I was writing.

Quoted from Eoin Page 7, 'Paul plugs the flash drive into his laptop and keys buttons'. That reads a little awkward, as keys is a verb and a noun. Perhaps use 'Paul plugs the flash drive into his laptop and strikes/hits/taps a series of buttons/keys.'

I can fix that, thanks. Sometimes I get too economical, trying to save lines.
And this is the end result, I get murky on occasion.

Quoted from Eoin Page 8, I don't understand this action line, 'Stare down. Finger trigger poised.' It needs a name or some more description.

This description is left from the previous draft.
It seems most things I'm getting dinged on are these "relics".
I'll have to smooth them out on the next pass, thanks.

Quoted from Eoin I think you fulfilled the 6 points on the notes. I'd like to see that hour glass on the desk run out and just as it runs out Paul reaching Sam. Just adds a little bit more suspense. Solid work.

I think I covered the hour glass thing at the end.
LAPTOP SCREEN - WEB BROWSER WINDOW
Paul enters frame and holds Sam tight against his chest.
RETURN TO SCENE
The hourglass sand runs out.
CUT TO BLACK.
THE END

Does the way that's phrased seem odd?
Thanks for all the great notes and the compliments.
I'll put your suggestions to good use the next time around.
Let me know when I can return the gesture on your next project!

Regards,
E.D.