Hello E.D., I'll first give my notes and general impressions and then suggestions after I assimilate. (Sounds like I'm goin' Borg or somethin' maybe I am  )

Lose the extra space after Fade In

The first shot I thought should read as aerial.

I had trouble with the opening image. The breeze being described with the bell. For the breeze to matter, the bell had to be outside. I guess I was getting confused because I was asking:

What kind of food markets?  Like in Europe? Open stalls? Perhaps from my trips my mind is still stuck over there. Here though, weather is a factor and people don't do much in parking lots in the winter. The "bare trees" in your opening led me to thinking it was autumn; but come to think of it now, I'm not sure that mattered so much. Perhaps, you can nail the description a bit more than just strip mall. The strip malls here are really small things. You'd never see two big grocery stores at one strip mall because they only need one anchor.

Matt’s description seemed unnecessary, sandy blond, strong chin. You could cast anyone. If he's good looking, then that's good enough. If that's what he needs to be.

I don’t think you’re supposed to use italics in a script.

The fat man wasn’t introd as a character.

Pricing guns aren’t used anymore because we have UPC coding, but I see that we're working from Old Emily's memory which brings me to:

What's the meaning of this piece? I think it's loaded at the core with sentiment, even though it's got this funny kind of "war" going on in its middle.

My advice is to take Old Emily and show her. Don't just have her in voice over because

How romantic is a story where we can't see our main characters?

So

Show Matt, too.

And to make it real good

Show Ray. Alive and kicking. Which means, he never died of course.

So what happened?

Why not start this story with Old Emily, Old Matt, and Old Ray all together at the table drinking and playing cards or something. And someone walks in, brings "IT" up, and Matt perhaps tells the story of how his innocent family came into town trying to make a go of it, but Ray made it hard from the get-go. ...

The rest is history. Perhaps, so could show some quick "alternate flashes" of varying points of view. One, where everyone gets blown up or radiated or who knows what. And, as my little girl once had implanted into her head by her older brother and LOVED the idea and used it again and again:

AND THEY ALL DIED!!!  

So, we might learn at the end of this that good old Ray and Emily and Matt are just ghosts now. Perhaps they dissolve into their translucence, get fed up with the cards. And...

Decide to go back to the parking lot and live happily ever after, fighting with their grocery biz.  

Ray needs to have a girlfriend. Maybe Matt decides that his cousin is a good catch for him.

I don't see this as so much of a romance, but more of a humorous look at how life can work out. In order for it to be a romance, you need to lose the voice over and bring these people into more intimate situations. Even Matt and Ray, they need to have a reason to dislike each other-- a reason more than just opposition.

Hey, I just thought of a cool idea-- maybe Matt and Ray get together in the next life and pool their strengths, creating the first Super Store!  

I hope this helps, E.D.

I appreciate being able to critique your work,

Sandra

All right!  Round 2, here we go:

Did you make any changes to the description blocks in the beginning?  I seemed to have a better understanding of the setting, but I'm not sure if it was because you brushed it up or because this was my second time reading it.

Lol.  I just noticed.  Emily Demoula.  E.D.  (Was that on purpose or sub-consciously?)

Was Ray 22 in the first draft?  I think he should be older than Matt, definately, but only by a year or two.  I think five years might be pushing it just a little.

"It's, letters."  -  Grademan mentioned that in his post.  It might read better as "It's... letters."

And I forgot to mention it in the first draft, but their greeting "I like your first name" made me lol.  That was funny.

Yeah, I think you did good with the intercuts.  I never had a problem understanding them in the first draft.

I liked having Matt defend himself with the knife sharpener.

I'm still a little unclear as to what happens with Emily's interception.  It still reads like she gets skewered, having her eyes bulge like that and her hands bleeding.  I know you told me the blood was just from Emily's hand around the blade, but I would've been lost reading that if you haven't told me.

Eww.  She touches his face and strokes his neck with bloody hands.  I'd tell that bitch to go use some soap first.

Ahh, so you opted for the happy ending this time.  I think it does work out better this way, even though it gets away from where Romeo and Juliet ended up going.

But, with Old Matt and Old Emily switching up their lines at the ending, that kind of sent it over the sappy lovey-dovey edge.  That might've been a little too cheesy.  For some reason, it didn't seem cheesy to me in the last draft when only Old Emily said it.  But in this draft, for some reason, it definately crosses that line for me.

I was going to suggest fitting Ray in as an old man somehow, too, but Gary beat me to it.  In fact, I'd like to see if this bakery is in the strip mall, too.  And if so, which bookend?  The Demoula's end or the Almac's?

(And a small part of me was waiting to see if Old Emily's hands were scarred from where she gripped the knife as she was icing the cinnabun at the end.)

Yeah, I do like this version better.  It seemed to read crisper and I had better images in my head, not that it wasn't crisp in the first draft.  Again, I don't know if it's small changes you made that enhanced the read a little, or if it's I'm reading it a second time and discovering more stuff my brain just grazed through last time.

And I do think this alternate ending fits better with the scope of the romantic piece this was supposed to be.  The Valentine theme.

Quoted from electric dreamer I decided to emulate another R&J trope not used in the first draft

I thought I figured out what that was when I read this at work earlier this afternoon, but for the life of me, I can't remember.  I've even gone back and read this again tonight to see where I noticed it earlier, and I just can't find it now.  It's ticking me off.

- Mark

Hi E.D.

Read it!
It started with the VO and it was just a bit long for me. All you're saying that Demoulas and Almacs stores were across from each other. Demoulas came first and Almacs opened there second.
I liked the fact that it's visual but I think you could cut some of it. To get to Emily and Matt faster.
Their love is in the center of your story and I don't think you let us stay on them long enough. I don't know anything about them, their dreams what they are like, what sparked their love... You have a little in there but I'd want more.


The best part of dialog was for me "Why him" "Why not him" and "I like your first name" "I like your first name too" - I think you could have more of that.

Overall it's a good story for me and I liked it, I just think that it could be even better than that. More of Emily and Matt please!
--just an opinion of course.

-hey, our avatars are the same?

Brett,

Gave this another look. Some of the writing is still comes off funny...

"Emily freight trains a half dozen shopping carts together and
aims the docked carts at the locked front door." Don't write carts twice. We know the door is locked....

"Emily docks several shopping carts together. She aims the train at the front door." - Just reads easier to me.

I thought Emily grabbed Rays knife with her bare hand. Did she get stabbed? Had to read it twice to picture what was going on in the picture.

I like the new ending better. It suits this story. I just found it a tedious read in alot of places. I think its clear in your mind when you write it, but I had to go back and re-read a couple things. To me, less is always more in screenwriting. Many will not agree.

Overall, good work. some good lines and the parking lot rumble is still funny. Liked the smashing of the demoura sign too. Good visual there.

James

Brett,

Big improvement with this version.  The ending finally fits the tone of the rest of the story.  I wish you could find a way to slash that VO at the beginning to maybe half a page and then jump right into the story.  It almost felt like a little too much stage setting there.  I had to keep reminding myself that this was taking place decades ago, like the 50's I'm assuming.  Maybe a few more period details to really hammer the era home for us.

I don't know, I still have mixed feelings about the rumble.  The story starts with this tale of forbidden young love, told with a straight face.  Then comes the bread torpedoes and sticker guns, which takes us almost into an alternate universe where someone can get knocked out by a loaf of bread.    Don't get me wrong, the torpedoes are funny and the image of these guys turtling under shopping carts to weather the dough assault is also funny.  Although, I would  liked to have seen the unconscious fat kid wake up and start gnawing on the loaf that coldcocked him.    

I guess my point is, with the silliness of the rumble, it's harder to accept the deadly seriousness of the knife fight that follows.  

That being said, I did like the ending.  Making us believe that Emily just got ventilated, then showing how she stopped it just n time.  Makes everyone realize how out of hand everything has gotten.

So, good job on the rewrite.  It could still be tightened in places, but it's a real improvement.

Ryan

Hi ED -

I think this COULD work.  The last page - with the payoff - is actually sweet, and touching.  Kudos.

I do have a few problems with the script as it currently is.

I LOVE the goofy Romeo and Juliet supermarket theme.  But it seems like you're trying to play it both seriously, and for camp.  Honestly, I think you need to throw it *completely* onto the camp side for it really to work.  

It's a good, fun concept - worth the rewrite.  There are just points where it seems too serious, and too real.  (And what's the deal with Ray actually getting stabbed, or am I reading that wrong?)  The sourdough is cute...though it really knocks someone out?

One or two lines did make me go huh?  Specifically:

*Demoula Thug?  (A tad bit over the top, at least as written)
* Jukes around the parking lot (?)

One thing about the writing.  Clean and good - but there just seemed to be too many intercuts in the action scenes to keep everything flowing as smoothly as it should.  Probably a *tad* bit too long, too.  It's a sweet, cute script.  Carry it out too far, and it loses it's impact!

My 2 (or 3) cents...

Cheers,

WV

So for these I begin with a review of my earlier comments before moving onto the rewrite, and I find most grievances addressed, with little left to complain about.  You must have tweaked some of the language throughout, as this reads smoother than I recall, with no sticking points that led to any confusion.

While the boys are preparing for the battle, you use an "Intercut" technique.  I was not confused by this, but I think you would be better served by a montage or "series of shots".  Not that what you have done is wrong (I don't think, anyway), but the intercut is typically reserved for conversations (on the telephone, for example), where the visuals are not clearly defined, nor do they matter a great deal.

Here, there is no conversation -- but the visuals are clearly defined.  I think you have a series of shots -- as this does not cover an adequate span of time to qualify for a montage -- but all of those definitions for these techniques are sort of nebulous and squishy, IMO.

The battle scene is pleasantly absurd, as it ever was (with yet another intercut), and I see that you did (wisely) respond to the primary complaint for most readers, and that is the handling of the knife.  This is better, much better, but I still have to maintain that the sight of actual blood is still weird for the tone you have established -- like a record skipping a beat -- and just for a moment, things feel "off".  We are yanked out of comical fantasy and plunged into reality.
  
Personally, I still maintain that the narrative arc is a little more consistent if both boys were to trap Emily in the middle of their "joust", but you seem to have a specific vision for what you want amongst this trio of characters, and that is fine, too.  You do have to trust your own author's instincts.

And the end -- was there that much saccharine in the original?  This feels mostly new as well, and nearly placed me into a diabetic coma.  But there is an audience for that, and even if it is not my cup of tea, I can still acknowledge that it is effective, and the audience you are targeting will be just fine with it.

If you recall our chat about rewrites, I would say this one is there -- unless somebody gives you something you just gotta' add.  It is a nice, clever, and pleasantly inoffensive piece you have here.

Quoted from grademan Hey ED, I see you completed a new draft. I still like it a lot but have some points to consider. Good intercutting. I realize my  suggestions are just that. Gary LOGLINE “wrong side of the parking lot”

Hey Gary,

Thanks for taking a look at the new draft.
Wow! Great change right off the bat, I so stole that! Gracias!

Quoted from grademan ONE Hand painted signs fill the windows jukes > floats ,necessary to change > to change hatred between the stores > families TWO the rivalry was over – sounds like high school > the war was over the last vo > I was so young... the town gossiped for years - too many people knew > the town talked about that night for years FOUR It’s, letters > no comma SIX my baby sister > my sister SEVEN you Almacs pretty boy > awkward you are > you’re you Demoula thug > awkward winner takes the parking lot > this may be unrealistic Ray blanches > balks You’re on. > not needed Need something to scare customer besides turning off the lights? EIGHT sticker wounds > paper cuts? TEN Should be chanting “joust” before the leaders snap for their mops? ELEVEN Death to all Almacs > awk My name, is Matt > no comma her brother > Ray Why him > Em, why him? TWELVE Ray should hold Emily! Drop their aprons > why? THIRTEEN Ray should be there too!

These are great tweaks you're offering up.
Thanks so much for putting a detailed effort into the read.
It's always a big help when someone really gives that extra attention to detail.
It's interesting, now people want Ray to be there with the new ending. Hmm.
I had a lot of fun with this story and critiques like this are a huge help. Thanks!

If there's anything script you want eyes on, please drop me a note.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Hello E.D., I'll first give my notes and general impressions and then suggestions after I assimilate. (Sounds like I'm goin' Borg or somethin' maybe I am  ) I had trouble with the opening image. The breeze being described with the bell. For the breeze to matter, the bell had to be outside. I guess I was getting confused because I was asking: What kind of food markets?  Like in Europe? Open stalls? Perhaps from my trips my mind is still stuck over there. Here though, weather is a factor and people don't do much in parking lots in the winter. The "bare trees" in your opening led me to thinking it was autumn; but come to think of it now, I'm not sure that mattered so much. Perhaps, you can nail the description a bit more than just strip mall. The strip malls here are really small things. You'd never see two big grocery stores at one strip mall because they only need one anchor.

Hello Sandra,

Thanks for honoring my request and giving this draft a look see.
Actually, the bell hangs on the outside of the door, I'll be clearer about that.
I can see that in different countries, the layout may read strange.
Funny part is, I didn't make that part up.
This layout actually existed in my hometown in Massachusetts.
I should be more specific for international audiences, thanks.

There are several references to the time of year, it's Valentine's week.
The sign, dialogue, I thought it was pretty prevalent.
However, if it didn't come across that way to you, I'll look into that.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Matt’s description seemed unnecessary, sandy blond, strong chin. You could cast anyone. If he's good looking, then that's good enough. If that's what he needs to be. I don’t think you’re supposed to use italics in a script. The fat man wasn’t introd as a character. Pricing guns aren’t used anymore because we have UPC coding, but I see that we're working from Old Emily's memory which brings me to:

I see your point about Matt, I jsut wanted him to be blonde.
It's a stark contrast to the dark haired ethnic background of the Demoulas.

Where did I use italics in the script? I can't find it, sorry.

I wasn't aware I needed to intro a character that doesn't talk, good to know, thanks.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. What's the meaning of this piece? I think it's loaded at the core with sentiment, even though it's got this funny kind of "war" going on in its middle. My advice is to take Old Emily and show her. Don't just have her in voice over because How romantic is a story where we can't see our main characters? So Show Matt, too. And to make it real good Show Ray. Alive and kicking. Which means, he never died of course. So what happened? Why not start this story with Old Emily, Old Matt, and Old Ray all together at the table drinking and playing cards or something. And someone walks in, brings "IT" up, and Matt perhaps tells the story of how his innocent family came into town trying to make a go of it, but Ray made it hard from the get-go. ... The rest is history. Perhaps, so could show some quick "alternate flashes" of varying points of view. One, where everyone gets blown up or radiated or who knows what. And, as my little girl once had implanted into her head by her older brother and LOVED the idea and used it again and again: AND THEY ALL DIED!!!   So, we might learn at the end of this that good old Ray and Emily and Matt are just ghosts now. Perhaps they dissolve into their translucence, get fed up with the cards. And... Decide to go back to the parking lot and live happily ever after, fighting with their grocery biz.   Ray needs to have a girlfriend. Maybe Matt decides that his cousin is a good catch for him. I don't see this as so much of a romance, but more of a humorous look at how life can work out. In order for it to be a romance, you need to lose the voice over and bring these people into more intimate situations. Even Matt and Ray, they need to have a reason to dislike each other-- a reason more than just opposition. Hey, I just thought of a cool idea-- maybe Matt and Ray get together in the next life and pool their strengths, creating the first Super Store!   I hope this helps, E.D. I appreciate being able to critique your work, Sandra

Thanks so much for your insight and suggestions.
I like the theme of how funny it is the way things work out.
The wacky interpretation of memories over time could play into that.
As if to say, the absurdity is their nostalgic memories dramatizing the facts.
Could be a humorous take on the old Rashomon story thread. Heh.

If you'd like me to look over anything of yours, please drop me a note.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from rc1107 All right!  Round 2, here we go: Did you make any changes to the description blocks in the beginning?  I seemed to have a better understanding of the setting, but I'm not sure if it was because you brushed it up or because this was my second time reading it.

Hey Mark,

Thanks for taking another look at this script so soon after the first read.
In answer to your first question, I did make a change in the first line.
"Bare trees and brownstones" is new, I thought it helped set the scene better.
I'm glad it worked for you. I'm proud of those four words.

Quoted from rc1107 Lol.  I just noticed.  Emily Demoula.  E.D.  (Was that on purpose or sub-consciously?)

Heh actually Demoulas was a regional market chain when I was growing up.
Emily is actually a reference to "Our Town", the lead girl being Emily.
I thought it would be appropriate to wedge and Wilder reference in there.
I like filling my scripts with Easter eggish stuff like that.

Quoted from rc1107 Was Ray 22 in the first draft?  I think he should be older than Matt, definately, but only by a year or two.  I think five years might be pushing it just a little. "It's, letters."  -  Grademan mentioned that in his post.  It might read better as "It's... letters." And I forgot to mention it in the first draft, but their greeting "I like your first name" made me lol.  That was funny.

No, I gave Ray an age this draft, I think you're right, should be changed, thanks.

Again you and Gary and right on with the letters thing.
Sometimes the little things just slide right on by you.

That line gets a lot of positive feedback, thanks.
I think it shows that Emily is a spunky girl, she's a smart cookie, I like her lots.

Quoted from rc1107 Yeah, I think you did good with the intercuts.  I never had a problem understanding them in the first draft. I liked having Matt defend himself with the knife sharpener. I'm still a little unclear as to what happens with Emily's interception.  It still reads like she gets skewered, having her eyes bulge like that and her hands bleeding.  I know you told me the blood was just from Emily's hand around the blade, but I would've been lost reading that if you haven't told me.

Thanks I worked out a new way to segregate the action description.
It's not exactly standard, but it isn't confusing, that's all that matters to me.
Hopefully, it's as clear to others as it was for you.

Yeah, the knife sharpener idea was cut from the first draft.
In the moment, I decided in draft one to go with the back stabbing.
I like set ups and call backs in scripts.
We see Ray's blade and sharpener in a holster, like an Old West revolver.
Call backs to me shows the author cares about rewarding the reader.

Yeah, I see the blade in her hands clearly in my mind.
I may need take another pass at that to get my vision across there.
There's something, probably small, that I'm overlooking.

Quoted from rc1107 Ahh, so you opted for the happy ending this time.  I think it does work out better this way, even though it gets away from where Romeo and Juliet ended up going. But, with Old Matt and Old Emily switching up their lines at the ending, that kind of sent it over the sappy lovey-dovey edge.  That might've been a little too cheesy.  For some reason, it didn't seem cheesy to me in the last draft when only Old Emily said it.  But in this draft, for some reason, it definately crosses that line for me. I was going to suggest fitting Ray in as an old man somehow, too, but Gary beat me to it.  In fact, I'd like to see if this bakery is in the strip mall, too.  And if so, which bookend?  The Demoula's end or the Almac's? (And a small part of me was waiting to see if Old Emily's hands were scarred from where she gripped the knife as she was icing the cinnabun at the end.)

Yup, I poured on the sugar, why not? Don't get to do it often, so I went for it.
It's funny now that people are feeling some love for Ray, I like that.
Well, there is the sound of the ocean as the door opens, that's the hint.
Oh, that's an excellent point about her scarred hands. A+!

Quoted from rc1107 Yeah, I do like this version better.  It seemed to read crisper and I had better images in my head, not that it wasn't crisp in the first draft.  Again, I don't know if it's small changes you made that enhanced the read a little, or if it's I'm reading it a second time and discovering more stuff my brain just grazed through last time. And I do think this alternate ending fits better with the scope of the romantic piece this was supposed to be.  The Valentine theme. I thought I figured out what that was when I read this at work earlier this afternoon, but for the life of me, I can't remember.  I've even gone back and read this again tonight to see where I noticed it earlier, and I just can't find it now.  It's ticking me off. - Mark

There are lots of small changes throughout.
When I post a new draft, I thoroughly tinker with it.
I want to to make it worth someone's while to revisit my script for more punishment.
I'm not comfortable posting a "new draft" if I've only tweaked a scene.
If a reader is giving me a second look on something, I need to make it count.
I'm glad all the little nips and tucks worked for you.
There's about ten new lines of dialogue sprinkled throughout the new draft.
But I hope they blend in well enough, they're hard to single out.

Ahh well the knife vs. sharpening rod brief duel is a R&J reference.
Mercutio engages in a sword fight in the fair streets of Verona.
I thought have a bit of a sword like dual would be fun for the story.

Thanks lots for all your neat insights into this story.
I've had a lot of fun working on this script.
I'll get to that thing of yours later today.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Where did I use italics in the script? I can't find it, sorry.

I meant to say "quotes", not italics.   It was "valentine" on page 4. I'm not sure if it matters, but I had a question there whether it would just be better to underline it. I don't know. I know some people hate underlining.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Thanks so much for your insight and suggestions. I like the theme of how funny it is the way things work out. The wacky interpretation of memories over time could play into that. As if to say, the absurdity is their nostalgic memories dramatizing the facts. Could be a humorous take on the old Rashomon story thread. Heh. Regards, E.D.

I think what I bolded above is really true in this piece and really is the essence of it all.

And it's true actually, if we look at our own lives, how something very serious, that we thought was serious, could turn out to be so funny, that we wind up talking about it in embellishments, for fun. This totally legitimizes any "over the top" claims because it's supposed to be because that's what the characters are doing, for fun, in their recollections. The audience gets to come along for the ride, and perhaps some of their own "moments" that they can relate to are stirred up in the process, which makes it truly enjoyable when that happens.

Sandra

I don't have time to read all the posts. But I am a little confused.

Before I get to that, I think your writing stands out among the crowd. Dialogue, descriptions, action flow...very good, a cut above.

The story started out with a charming aspect to it. Reminded me of the Pushcart Wars. I could see it as a musical. Choreographed market warriors.

Somehow things went from the warriors being armed with sticker guns, which implies a certain silliness and lighthearted nature, to Ray attacking with a butcher knife. That seemed strange. And then someone dies? Who is bleeding? Matt is in the last scene, so I guess Ray died?

So I thought the end was a little confusing and perhaps out of place in the story. But your writing really is distinctively good, and if you are productive, IMO it won't be long before you put out something really special, something someone films, hopefully buys for a lot!

I thought this was much tighter than the first version.  I liked that you named the narrator.   Since you didn't introduce her before then it would be good if you said something, anything about the quality of her voice.  Even if it was something like "a shaky voice speaks" or "a voice full of wisdom speaks".  

Also on the first page "Letters spell"  was awkward - maybe rephrase that to "A sign states" or something like that.  I wouldn't complain about that if it wasn't the first page.  

Then things flow well until they are interrupted in the office.  I think Matt should go down on his knee when he says "Emily, would you" because its a bit more dramatic and implies romance.

Then you cleaned up the fight nicely, it flows much better than it did before.  However, the ending with the knife seems out of place.  It would be nice if you could replace the knife and the blood with food.

Good job on the rewrite.  It's turning into a tight little script.  

Quoted from khamanna Hi E.D. Read it! It started with the VO and it was just a bit long for me. All you're saying that Demoulas and Almacs stores were across from each other. Demoulas came first and Almacs opened there second. I liked the fact that it's visual but I think you could cut some of it. To get to Emily and Matt faster.

Hey Khamanna,

Much appreciation for the prompt read!
The voice over in the first draft was much longer and had an identity crisis.
Perhaps there's another line or dialogue chain I can excise.
Rewrites sometimes feel like I'm peeling an onion.
And shed bitters tears as I kill all my onion children.
You're right in that it does go a bit long with all the visual elements.
Sometimes it's difficult for me to wrangle my visuals into an economic description.

Quoted from khamanna Their love is in the center of your story and I don't think you let us stay on them long enough. I don't know anything about them, their dreams what they are like, what sparked their love... You have a little in there but I'd want more. The best part of dialog was for me "Why him" "Why not him" and "I like your first name" "I like your first name too" - I think you could have more of that. Overall it's a good story for me and I liked it, I just think that it could be even better than that. More of Emily and Matt please! --just an opinion of course. -hey, our avatars are the same?

Well, when a reader says they want more of your leads, it's never a bad thing!
Being sixteen in simpler times, they dream of being anonymous.
No filial obligations so they can become the individuals they are hidden inside.
Perhaps there's a better way I can get that across in the script.
I guess my problem is I'm enamored with the absurd battle a bit much.
And that may cause the overshadowing of Emily and Matt you're alluding to.

Thanks so much for your time, it's always appreciated.
Got another home schooling story in the works? Gotta finish the trilogy!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from jwent6688 Brett, Gave this another look. Some of the writing is still comes off funny... "Emily freight trains a half dozen shopping carts together and aims the docked carts at the locked front door." Don't write carts twice. We know the door is locked.... "Emily docks several shopping carts together. She aims the train at the front door." - Just reads easier to me.

Hey James,

Thanks lots for giving this a second look, that effort is always encouraging.
You know, it's funny the simple things you miss sometimes.
I was focused on narrative sharpening and tonal shifts primarily for this draft.
Your right on this, should I revisit the script, I've give it a nip and tuck, thanks.

Quoted from jwent6688 I thought Emily grabbed Rays knife with her bare hand. Did she get stabbed? Had to read it twice to picture what was going on in the picture.

I suppose a beat in there about Emily gasping as the blade cuts her hands would help.
You see things clearly in your mind, but it always doesn't translate onto the page.
Someone else mentioned she should have hand scars in the end, good call back.

Quoted from jwent6688 I like the new ending better. It suits this story. I just found it a tedious read in alot of places. I think its clear in your mind when you write it, but I had to go back and re-read a couple things. To me, less is always more in screenwriting. Many will not agree. Overall, good work. some good lines and the parking lot rumble is still funny. Liked the smashing of the demoura sign too. Good visual there. James

I hope the tedium is more about conceptualization than sheer writer incompetence.
I realize it's a a lot to get through in a thirteen pages.
Set pieces. Forbidden Love. Epic Battles. Redemption.
I agree there's more that could be refined, but I think we have style differences too.
I recall a spirited debate on the Lie Detector thread.
Debating with articulate folks that have different points of view is the best way to learn!

Cheers and have a round or three for me!

Regards,
E.D.