Art's Tattoo Removal by Mark Lyons (rc1107) - Short - A retired hitman takes a job from an old employer in his new profession; slicing tattoos off of people's skin and selling them as artwork. 14 pages - pdf, format

Holy Moly that went up fast!  Thanks Don.

Well, this was a little bit of an exercise for me.

I was sitting around thinking about 'Fight Club' and 'Adaptation', two movies that I really truly enjoy that kind of go against the grain of some of the rules of screenwriting.  (Mainly because of the very heavy voiceovers in both of them.)

So, this is my attempt at having a story with heavy voiceover, while still putting something on the screen to watch.

Hope you guys like it.

While I thought the premise for this piece was really good, Mark, I thought the execution left a lot to be desired.  For starters, it was way too long.  Eight or ten pages would work so much better.  Writing it as a short story would be a great alternative.  All you had here was sixteen pages of a guy talking about himself... in voice over.

Art's character was your general film noir tough guy.  And he lost steam pretty quickly.  Maybe if you showed him doing his job, instead of eating, brushing his teeth and walking.  Give us something to look at.  When he revealed his ultimate plan, toward the end, I started asking myself: "Why am I still reading this?"  I felt as if I was robbed of the story.

Wish there was something better to say.  Keep the premise; lose everything else.


Phil

Hey Phil,

Quoted from dogglebe Writing it as a short story would be a great alternative.

You caught me.  This is an adaptation from a short story I wrote.  I just sent it out to a couple of literary magazines just a few weeks ago.

Quoted from dogglebe Maybe if you showed him doing his job

I very heavily considered this, but to make it easier to film (this is one I really hope somebody wants to make), I opted for just showing him doing things that make him look good with his hands and might refer image-wise to him doing his job.   (Cutting his blackened steak, sewing his shirt.)

Thank you for taking a look at this.  I know it was long, (I could've cut a ton of parts out about the other tattooists, like Von D, but I thought that might have been a selling point to the story and grabbed people's attention.)  Sorry you didn't care much for it.  I promise I'll come up with something one day to knock everybody's socks off.

- Mark

Hey Mark, just checked this out.  Took some notes as I read.   Nothing too detailed but some stuff that will hopefully help.

My general thoughts echo Phil.  Story-wise, this could be quite engaging, but execution-wise, it doesn’t work for me at all.  It appears that you wrote this as a kind of exercise utilizing V.O., but for some reason, you left out all the interesting visuals and showed us generic day to day activities, which is rarely going to work.

I’m not a tat guy myself, so my knowledge of this subject is very limited.   I’m not sure if your basic premise is realistic or completely fabricated.  Also don’t know if these tat artists are real people or made up, but it all seems realistic or at least possible to me.

Your Slugs are a HUGE issue here.  The vast majority are incorrectly done, as they’re missing a time, and you need that unless you’re using Mini Slugs within a structure.  I know some use these a little more freely, but IMO, they only really work when a character is literally moving from 1 room of a structure to another.  If any time passes, I feel you need to show that with a new Slug.  Another issue with your Slugs is that they are all extremely limited in information and very generic.  This may “work” when you have a simple short with simple locales, but anytime you increase your settings, these generic Slugs aren’t going to work at all (if you don’t follow what I’m saying, just ask…).

The premise is good and could be effective.  I think you need to rethink the structure and what exactly you want to show, and give this another go.  I’ll be interested to see more thoughts from others.
Notes as I read…
You’re killing yourself right out of the gate, I’m sorry to say.  No “FADE IN” – Big Red Flag.  No time of day in your first Slug.  First passage (the 2 descriptions) should be broken up, IMO, as it’s definitely 2 completely different shots.  I don’t like how 1 character has a first and last name, but the other is only intro’d as Art.  Just seems odd to me.  I also don’t like how you start your opening line of dialogue with an ellipsis, then a space, then a new sentence with a capital letter.  Doesn’t work that way.

Page 3 – FADE TO BLACK goes on the right side.  If you fade out, like you want to here, you have to fade back in and you haven’t…so, based on how it’s written, from here on out, it’s all over a black screen.

Page 5 – You start off your passage very oddly here with, “Drinks coffee…”.  Should be “He” or Art’, or…anything.

Page 6 – Big problems with your Slug here (EXT. HOUSE AND TINY YARD).   Your prose states, “He leaves the quaint house and walks down to the bus stop at the corner of the street.”, which clearly is outside of what your Slug states.

Page 7 – The first time you’ve used a complete Slug with a time.  All the other ones are incorrect and need attention.  Your prose under this Slug is very odd, and awkward, and full of unfilmables, as you say, “Art walks a New York City street, only wearing his dingy gray t-shirt and jeans. Carries his long-sleeved button-up shirt because of the heat.”

“The chin of his face tatted on his arm sticks out from under the sleeve of his shirt.” – Really awkwardly phrased and hard to comprehend.

General  note about the use of ellipsis’ – you don’t have a space after the 3 dots.  And, you don’t cap the word following it, unless, of course, it’s a name or the like.

Page 8 – I don’t understand the “SLUG OF PICTURES” thing at all, nor do I feel this makes sense here, in terms of the flow and what’s going on.

Page 9 – No clue what “SLUG OF JONATHAN SHAW” is supposed to be or mean.  Has this guy already been intro’d?  I don’t think so…

Same thing with the next “Slug”, which aren’t Slugs as far as I’m concerned.  Again, this person hasn’t even been intro’d yet, has she?

“Pictures and close-ups of Von D.”  - I’m clueless as to what you’re attempting here again.  Do you mean to “INSERT” various pictures or whatever?  If so, you need to state it that way, so everyone is onboard with what is supposed to be happening.

Page 10 – “SLUG OF HENK” – Same deal here…absolutely no clue what’s happening with these things.

Page 11 – All of a sudden, you start using “V.O.” again, but you said earlier “V.O. throughout”…basically, you can’t say this earlier and then renig on it.  If a character is speaking in V.O., you need to label it as such.

Page 12 – OK, now I’m really confused.  On page 1, Art and Delvecchio are together talking.  Now they’re back together again, and I’m wondering if you’ve missed some sort of Flashback or the like, as the continuity is completely gone.   OK, it appears that the opening and closing scene is one and the same, right?  Something’s off here structurely…

Hey Jeff,

Thank you very much for taking a look at this.  I liked this story so much when I wrote it as a prose story, that I thought it would work well in any form.  I don't know why I was blinded by it so much that I didn't see all the things you and Phil have mentioned.  It seemed to work so well in my mind's eye.

Quoted from dreamscale I’m not a tat guy myself ....  I’m not sure if your basic premise is realistic or completely fabricated.  Also don’t know if these tat artists are real people or made up

Lol.  Actually, I'm not a tat guy, either.  I don't even have one.  I am a pretty avid fan of artwork, though, and I saw that Jutta Nexdorf, a real-life gallery owner in Switzerland, did pay a man $218,000 to show off his tattoo at one of her exhibits thrice a year.  Plus, she DOES get the tattoo after the man dies.  That part was real and how I got the idea of the story.  All the tattooists are real, also.  Even Anil Gupta.  I was doing research just on tattoos in general and came across his portfolio and thought there was some amazing stuff in it.

As for the storyline of cutting off people's tattoos and selling them like artwork, that part was fabricated.  (At least, to my knowledge.  I hope it is.  I've never heard of anybody doing that.)

Quoted from dreamscale Another issue with your Slugs is that they are all extremely limited in information and very generic.  This may “work” when you have a simple short with simple locales, but anytime you increase your settings, these generic Slugs aren’t going to work at all (if you don’t follow what I’m saying, just ask…).

I gotcha on those.  For that first slug, in my head, there were no windows in the office, so I never thought it would be important to mention the time of day.  As for why I don't mention the time of day in a lot of slugs later on, I think it's because I didn't want to get repetitive using 'DAY' all the time.  I got what you mean, though, on both counts.

Quoted from dreamscale No “FADE IN” – Big Red Flag

You know, I never knew if it was a hard fast rule or not that you have to have fade in.  I've heard that you should, then I heard something else, so I've always just gone with what I see in my head happening.  In this for instance, I bring the scene in right smack dab in the middle of a line of dialogue, (hence also, the ellipses,) so it didn't make sense to me to start out with a fade in.

And lol.  It's not just that story that I did that to, either.  I like cutting in on an opening scene.  For me it just seems punchier (even when seeing a real movie) to jump right into it.  I'm not trying to make a case for myself or say that I'll open up the story any way that I want to, I just didn't know it was a hard fast rule that you HAVE to have 'Fade In'.

Quoted from dreamscale Really awkwardly phrased and hard to comprehend.

Yuck.  How did I read those and think those were a smooth read?  (I'm guessing I didn't.  I was too focused on the dialogue, probably.)

Quoted from dreamscale I don’t understand the “SLUG OF PICTURES” ....  SLUG OF JONATHAN SHAW ....  KAT VON D ....  HENK ....

Yeah, those were all supposed to be inserts of pictures and/or video clips of them working.  That was me just trying something new.  I've never really wrote anything before that used that kind of element, so i wasn't too sure how to go about it and get the picture across.

Quoted from dreamscale it appears that the opening and closing scene is one and the same, right?

Yeah.  It starts at the beginning of the conversation in the first scene (that we missed the first time around), and also picks up where the first scene left off and finishes it.

Sorry all this got confusing.  Like I said, it all came together fine in MY mind, but it really looks like I messed up on relaying all the information in the short story to the script.  Looks like I got some things to figure out about this one.  I think I'm trying to do to many things that just don't click.

Anyway, thanks again for taking the time to let me know what you thought about this.  I'll be seeing you around.

- Mark

Mark,

This had sort of a Fight Club vibe to it.  The thing is --- Art's chatter went on for far too long without enough of a payoff.  I think you can lose some of what he was saying and/or insert some scenes of him actually doing what he does rather than just him doing his everyday things.  While I found a lot of what he had to say to be interesting, it did get to a point where I was ready for the story to just continue on.  

It's an interesting premise and I think you can easily do some other things with this.  But just cap what Art is saying and/or add more action to it to keep it going.

Could use some work but overall I did like this.

Nice job.

Greg

Hey Greg,

Yeah, I think I got carried away with how much voiceover I could push and get away with while still keeping it interesting and an effective story.  I also think I might have rushed it a little bit because everything seemed so simple in my head.

I'm glad to see that you did like it overall, though.  That makes me feel a little bit better about the story, even though I still have miles to go to fix it.

Thank you very much for checking it out and letting me know what you think.

- Mark

Hey Mark,

Congrats for coming up with a engaging premise, had to take a look.
Your concept is subverted by the dry execution of the plot.
I kept waiting to see Art in action, I was excited by the prospect.
The voice over stuff keeps me at arm's length from your story.
This feels much more like published fiction than a spec screenplay.
But I don't mean that your action description is chunky by any means.
It just reads like you were trying to shoot a one location low budget short yourself.
If that's the case, I can see why you might go with this approach.
Trim down the narrative and get down to the nitty gritty.
Art's power is diminished by stripping away the mystery with all the talk.
And the surprise ending is cute, but your premise is better than parlor tricks.
Take this story on the road and I'll gladly read it again, thanks for posting.

E.D.

Hey E.D.

Glad you liked the premise for this.

I did want to keep this low budget, but I have no plans of making it myself.  (I don't have the means at all right now.)  But I did want to make it simple if somebody out there did want to take it on.

Sorry you didn't like the execution of it.  I was trying something a little different for me.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer This feels much more like published fiction than a spec screenplay.

Well, it's not published, but I did write it as a short story.  In fact, I sent it out a couple of weeks ago to some magazines.  Hopefully, everybody's right when they say this would work better as a short story than a short film.  Guess I'll find out when the editors get back to me.

When I was writing it, (the script version,) I was thinking about cutting out all the extra stuff (like about the other tattooists), but I decided to do it this way just to see what other people thought.  Guess I should have kept all that stuff out.  I don't know if it would have made the read any better, but...

Thank you very much for taking a look at this and letting me know what you thought of it.

- Mark

Mark,

This might seem like I'm taking the easy way out, but I'm pretty much just gonna echo everything Electric Dreamer said.   I don't have anything new to bring to the table that hasn't already been said.   BUT...

Have you considered switching over the Celtix?  http://celtx.com/

Your font is downright atrocious (to me).  Looks so outdated.   I'm not saying that to be a jerk, it's just that we're in a business where appearance is everything.    You should really try Celtix, IMO.

All the best

Hey Mike.

No.  I've never even tried Celtx or Final Draft.  I never thought there was a problem.

Actually, I went back and looked at the script again to see if I did anything wrong when I was uploading it, and, to be honest, I don't understand what you mean that the font is atrocious.  Are we not supposed to use Courier New anymore?  I've even brought up many other scripts alongside it (including Phil's, Bert's, yours and some miscellaneous other ones) and I see no difference between the fonts whatsoever.  (Except that you and I bold our slugs.)

Am I looking at something wrong or did you mean that something else was wrong with it format wise?

- Mark

Your font is "faint" and slightly off kilter.     The best I can desrcibe it.  

I suggest you download Celtix and  Primo pdf (both free) then write a sample page and print it out.  You'll be amazed at the difference, IMO.

http://celtx.com/

http://www.primopdf.com/index.aspx

Apparently I'm the font police.  

Hey Mark

I like the vibe I get from this script. I like the V.O. However, Not much happens. I get the sense that Art tricked the buyer but I'm unsure about it. This needs to be made clear in my opinion if this is what you were aiming at.

I really don't get into format since I'm not an expert on it but i would suggest putting V.O.'s when necessary. It makes the read easier and distinguish when he's speaking and when he's doing a voice over. My opinion, though.

Hope this helps,
Gabe  

Ahh, now I see what you're talking about, Mike.  Well, actually, I can't see it.  (I'm horribly color-blind.  I can't even make out shades of colors.  I'm guessing that's why it looked no different from all the others to me.)  But I understand what you mean now.  I've been meaning to mess around with some screenwriting software anyway, so this looks like as good a reason as any.  Thank you.

Hey Gabe,

Thanks for taking a look at this.  I'm glad to see you liked it and the voiceover.

Quoted from Mr. Ripley I get the sense that Art tricked the buyer but I'm unsure about it.

Yeah, I made the end of this one very subtle.  I think it's even more subtle in the original short story version I wrote.  But Art is actually Johnson Lamana, the one with the Vitruvian Man tattoo on his back.  (That's why Art talks about Delvecchio patting him on the back at the end.)  There's a couple tiny clues here and there, like when Art says it's his favorite piece of artwork ever, and when he talks about his two tattoos.  The 'one on his back a friend from high school tatted on him for free in return of a favor', and then he doesn't mention that one again.

I was just hoping to keep people on their toes.

And yeah, I am going to go back and put the 'V.O.'s throughout.  I just didn't want it to seem redundant.  Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Thank you very much for letting me know what you thought about it.

- Mark

I liked Art's character and the story but this is too talky I think.
At places Art's dialog should be V.O.'ed perhaps. If you don't VO it then it's hard to visualize somehow for me.
Someone once told me that I should not repeat what I see on screen in V.O. For example if you show him removing tattoo's and then Art say's "I'm a tattoo remover". So I pass it on to you as I happen to agree with it. V.O. are hard for me, I can't do them right and I tried many times. --so good luck to you
I noticed he talks about vain men's tattoo's twice - probably should get rid of one. I do think you can cut a lot in here.
Once I had to screenwrite in word so that's what I did: I took someones an FDR script and determined the right way to format mine by manually comparing the margins. It helped a lot.

DELVECCHIO
Johnson Lamana. And he's not from
too far away from here. - that line sounds funny. Maybe re-tool it.

I'm a fan of double spaced slugs. Adds more white to the page. A cleaner read IMO. Yours is kind of cluttered. Not to mention your margins look off. Dialogue runs way heavy to the right side.

ART (V.O. throughout)
It's short for Arthur Lionel. - I've never seen this. I don't like it. It makes me think everything else said in this script is going to be (V.O.) Its not. Though, pretty close.

The ending? Was miffed by it. Guess Art is just taking the down payment and bailing on Delv? Though, you spent so many pages telling us how Art prefers his new job to whacking people. He seemed quite proud of it.  

I definitely think this could be tightened. Sounds like you've got a good nose for the tattoo biz, yet, it still went on too long. The ending needs some clarification IMO.

Hope this helps some. Good luck.

James

Mark,

Thought I'd check this out after you read Give Me a Break.  Sadly, I don't have anything particularly novel to add to what's already been said.

You've got such a cool premise here, but like it's been said before, the execution just isn't there.  The V.O goes on for far too long, and by the time you get back to the story, I'm basically checked out.

I do have one idea though.  Scrap this short.  Make it a feature.  Don't make it so that the guy does this for a living, because that's just too far out there.  Make it about a guy who is in debt for a bunch of money (a bit cliche, I know) to a well-known gangster, and the gangster gives him a chance to redeem himself by getting him the tattoo.  It's a bizarre, sick request and could play as a really twisted dark, action comedy. Also, making the guy a regular joe in debt to the mob creates a fish-out-of-water type scenario and gives us a reason to like the guy (as opposed to Art, who we hate because he's sick). I suppose you could always make it out to be a short, but it seems like you could have a really great premise for a feature here with a diabolically colorful villain (who fucking collects skin tattoos!)

Just a thought.

-Matt

Hey guys.

Thank you very much for taking a look at this.   Sorry if this sounds rushed but my wireless took a crap, so I'm at the library and rushed because I have to go to work in a few.

Khamanna,

Yeah, I didn't think a lot of people would like all the talkiness in the voiceovers.  I did it just to test myself to see if I could at least make things interesting while having heavy voiceover.  Thank you very much for taking the time to read and muddle through it, though.

James,

I've been wanting to play around with double-spacing or 1.5 spacing the slugs.  I like the scene separation.  That's why I like to bold them, too.

Yeah, I realize now I should have gone back and (V.O.) throughout.  Only reason I did it in the first place was not to be redundant.

Quoted from jwent6688 The ending? Was miffed by it. Guess Art is just taking the down payment and bailing on Delv?

Yeah, he is taking the $175,000 and bailing.  But only because he doesn't want to cut the skin off his own back.  Art's real name is Johnson Lamana, the one with the Vitruvian Man tattoo.  I very subtly hinted at it and that's why Art mentions about Delvecchio patting him on the back as he let him out of the office.  A couple people didn't get that, so I guess I made it too subtle.

Quoted from jwent6688 Sounds like you've got a good nose for the tattoo biz

Actually, not at all.  My ex-wife was into tattoos, (the whole arm sleeve and leg sleeve thing), but that's as far as I've ever gotten into the tattoo biz.  I just did a little bit of research into tattoos after the idea for this story popped into my head.  I don't even have any tattoos, although I have always wanted to get The Vitruvian Man.  I never got it though because I think I might have a little bit of an issue with having a penis on my back.

Thank you again for taking a look at this.

Hey Matt.

Quoted from Dressel You've got such a cool premise here, ....  I do have one idea though.  Scrap this short.  Make it a feature.

I never really had any interest into expanding Art's story, I think mainly because I have three other features on the stove that I'm working on already.  But so far, almost everybody's mentioned that this story has a great premise, so I'm guessing there has to be a great story for Art somewhere.  Lol.  If you're ever bored and looking for something to work on, I wouldn't mind it if you took the idea and ran with it.

Quoted from Dressel as opposed to Art, who we hate

Actually, what's funny is that a couple people said they liked Art's character, and while I was writing this, I didn't want Art to be a likable guy at all.  That's why I gave him a less-than-flattering description.  (Ugly and aging and stringy hair and potbelly.)

Art is actually based on an actual guy who used to live above me.  I was staying at this place (it was actually a mansion sectioned off into apartments).  It was pretty much a safehouse for people with unsavory pasts and nobody else would take them as a tenant.  Just a cheap place to live, really.

But one of the guys who lived in the attic said that he used to be a hit man for Jim Trafficant.  (A pretty popular politician here in Ohio who was just released from jail about a year ago.)  I don't really know if I believe him or not, he seemed pretty cracked out to be a functioning hitman, (I checked with a cop friend of mine and the guy did go to jail the same time Trafficant did), but he seemed like a pretty good character to base Art on.

Anyway, thank you very much for taking a look at this.  I'm glad you liked the premise for it, and sorry it was dry on the execution.  I was just trying out some things that were new to me and I'm definately taking it as a learning experience.

See you around.

- Mark

Man, glad I just read your explanation for the ending. I knew there was a twist, and that I was missing it. I'm still not sure where the clue was. Didn't show in the bathroom scene, I don't think.

I salute the creativity of this idea. And now that I understand the ending, my overall appreciation for this has shot significantly up. And tattoos are huge these days, so this type of short could really have a lot of interest with people.

In my opinion, the story needs a ton of work. The VOs are too long, and I am not one of those anti-VO people. Those VO dialogues could be cut by half, maybe more.

You could actually cut this all down to 5 or 6 pages. And then add something else.

For example, what happens when you forcibly remove a tattoo? First, what happens to the tattoo. You briefly mention things like storing in mineral water and laminating. I just can't really picture what happens. Skin stretches, or contracts. That will effect the work. So even assuming you had a willing person donating living skin, what is the process?

Then, we are talking about victims here, not people willing. What happens to them? Are they unconscious? Are they awake? Are they given skin grafts?

Could we maybe see one of the collectors of this art? How do they display it? What kind of people are they that they pay for this?

These are my thoughts, Mark. I know some of that might require difficult research too. I think you have a great concept with the idea of the tattoo removal market. I think the twist at the end is a fantastic one. I think with a simplified dialogue and the addition of a couple quick shots you have something.

Hey leitskev.

I'm really glad you liked this, (minus the long V.O. rants).  I'm also kind of glad it was the ending that seemed to save it for you, too.  I was hoping it would be that way for everybody, but it seems that long voiceover crutch is too big to overcome for a lot of people.  Lesson learned.  At least this ended up being a story that was really fun for me to write.

Quoted from leitskev I'm still not sure where the clue was.

Well, I guess it really wasn't so much a clue as it was just hints earlier in the story that had to be tied in to what was said at the end to be able to put everything together.

For instance, when we first meet Art and Delvecchio, Art tells him that the Vitruvian Man is his favorite piece of artwork ever.  At the end, it becomes known that Johnson Lamana's favorite piece of artwork is the Vitruvian Man.

In the middle of the story, Art's talking about the tattoos that he has.  He has one on his back that a friend of his did a long time ago as a thanks for a favor, right after high school, then goes straight into talking about his other tattoo.  At the end, Anil Gupta shows Delvecchio a picture out of his high school yearbook, the kid who he gave a tattoo for free in return of a favor.

Then of course, Art focusing the attention to Delvecchio patting him on the back as he walks out of the office.

I know those were very very subtle things to put together, more like wordplay if anything, I think.

Quoted from leitskev For example, what happens when you forcibly remove a tattoo? .... Skin stretches, or contracts. That will effect the work. So even assuming you had a willing person donating living skin, what is the process?

Those are some very good questions.  Especially since, one day, someone will actually have to deal with those questions.  When that guy with the Virgin Mary tattoo really does die, it'd be really interesting to see the process they do use to remove it and how they deal with those problems.

It'd also be interesting to work those questions into a feature if I ever get the mind to come back to this story again.  I noted in the story about soaking it in oil and mineral water because I did come across an article where a family had a journal that was binded in the skin of an enemy of the family sometime in the 1800's.  They mentioned something in the article about when the journal was made, that the skin was soaked in oil and mineral water first, but I don't know if it was to stop the skin from expanding and contracting, or to preserve pigmentation, or it might have been to give the skin some flexibility since it was for the binding of a book.  It would be a lot of research to get into, but it'd be really interesting.

Quoted from leitskev Then, we are talking about victims here, not people willing. What happens to them? Are they unconscious?

Another part of the story I never dealt with.  I did have it in the back of my mind though, since he was a hired professional, he'd have skills at capturing people and sedating him.  Or chloroform, possibly.  Another interesting thing to get into if this story gets expanded.


Thank you very much for taking a look at this, leitskev, and letting me know what you think.  I saw you've been doing a lot of reading on the site and have some interesting input on people's work.  I'll be checking out 'Scottish Lulluaby' for your one week challenge.  If you have any other work posted or something you'd like somebody to take a look at, just let me know.  I'd be glad to take the read.

- Mark

The thing about the journal from the 1800s, unless I am wrong, is that they made the skin into parchment, THEN used it. Preserving something already on living skin would be a challenge. Especially for Vitruvian Man, in which dimensions need to be perfect, so any stretching or shrinking would ruin it.

All of which could be used though. Vitruvian would be a much bigger challenge than say an impressionistic piece, which could be incorporated into the story.

I think they found tattoos on the Ice Man they found years ago in the Alps. There would be examples of tattoos on dead skin that are well known, probably.

That's the other thing with Vitruvian; skin stretches over time on a living person too, changing the dimensions. Maybe the artist found a way to accommodate that.

I am not anti-VO. I just thought he was very wordy, especially for a hitman. I picture hit men as men of few words. They can be well chosen words though. I also picture a hitman, at least a movie version, as working alone, so possibly a man of introspection and deep thought. This is definitely how I picture your hitman. So I would like to see him with something to say, something thoughtful, but said with an economy of words. Each of his words is meant to impact, just like he wastes no bullets.

Everyone hates flash, but that could be a possibility here. Like for example show his first job request for a tattoo, and some of his work.

If you decide to play with this script again, you have plenty of options to consider. I think trying to make a powerful, memorable short and get it filmed could be better than a feature. Only because there is so much potential for hitting the niche market of tattoo people, and probably almost everyone at a film festival has a tattoo.

Quoted from leitskev Vitruvian would be a much bigger challenge than say an impressionistic piece, which could be incorporated into the story.

Yeah, I should've showed just how complicated it would have been to get that piece on a person's body.

Quoted from leitskev I just thought he was very wordy, especially for a hitman.

No doubt I went overboard with his monologue.  I think I was just trying to appeal to the tattoo market, which, like you had said, is getting huge.  (How many people do you know these days between 18-35 who don't have a tattoo?  Besides me.  :-)  )

Writing this from the short story, I was considering cutting all that extra jazz, but I decided to throw it in to see what kind of response it would get.

Quoted from leitskev I think trying to make a powerful, memorable short and get it filmed could be better than a feature

My personal interest in this story was only keeping it a short.  I think all the things people have mentioned and with everything you brought up, there's definately room for this story to grow, but I think you are right and a short would be better because of hitting that tattoo market niche.

Thank you, again, leitskev, for telling me your thoughts.

- Mark

Mark,
I loved the script.  I also agree with a lot of what people said.  So much of what you wrote feels introductory that the end comes too soon--we are left wanting to see more of this strange and dangerous world that Art lives in.

Personally, I liked the voice over.  It had personality.  But again, it introduced us to a world that we are never allowed to visit.

As another thought, this piece could also work as the introduction for a feature.  The third act you have now would need to be revised so that more plot could be added before the resolution, but you are obviously smart enough to see the potential that this story could have in an expanded form.

Great work!

Hey monty,

Thank you very much for the compliments.

And I'm glad you liked the voiceover.  I know it's heavy in voiceover, which most people don't like, but when I wrote this in first person prose as a short story, I liked Art's words so much I knew I wanted to use them in the screenplay version, so I just dove in headlong and, if some people didn't like it... oh well.  I'm glad it worked for you.

I can definately see how the story could be expanded into a feature, (adding a couple more plot points, of course), but my plate's kind of full right now and don't have plans any time soon to draw it out.  I do understand what you mean that the story only feels introductory, though, especially with it's sudden abrupt ending.

Thank you again for taking a read.  I'm not too sure what your real name is, but do you have any stories lurking around here at Simply Scripts that I could check out and return the read?

- Mark

This script was written well and flowed nicely. The concept of the script is fine and the characters are well written. In my opinion, the voiceover in the script was not a problem. My advice would be to try and make the script longer, making the story stretch a bit.