Ok I read this one and I liked it.

Its a "fast" read (whatever that means) But I was interested enough to finish it in one setting.

I could also picture this story in my mind fairly easily and trust me thats saying something lol so good job there.

I somewhat expected a "twist" ending to be honest. This one didnt have that but IMO thats a perfectly fine and valid approach as well.

Good job

Hey Janet.

Thank you very much for taking a read at this.

I'm glad that the 'not getting too into anything' worked for you.  Of course, I'm going to elaborate on all the situations when I approach the feature, but I was hoping that the realization that Ginger dreamt about the ants attacking Gabriella and the way Ginger conveyed it to her parents would be enough for just a short story.

I'm also glad you enjoyed the visuals.  I did bring focus to everbody's legs on purpose and just to add an element to the story.  The ditch in the yard, however, didn't have any water in it.

When my family lived in Texas, I was only Gabriella's age, (5) at the time.  (In fact, Gabriella's aspect of the story, with the pissants, was something that actually happened to me when I was little.  Except I was fine.  I wasn't allergic.  But it still didn't stop it from hurting like hell.)  But we did have a ditch surrounding our yard, and it would fill with a little water if it rained real hard, but that was very rare.  It was dry most of the time.  (There was also, in the corner of the yard where the ditch would go underneath the road, a bunch of stones where there was a rattlesnake pit.)

I wanted to play with Jillian's handicap more, especially since it was just a recent accident, (Ginger was also involved, which might have led to Ginger's vivid dreaming, I don't know yet), but I didn't want that to be the focus of this short story, so I do see where people are coming from when they talk about not enough characterization.

Quoted from wonkavite Create more debate about the decision to take Gabriella to the hospital.  If it's a foregone conclusion that she'll go anyway, then Ginger's visions aren't all that pivotal.

I got what you mean there.  Libby was mentioning about that, too.  I have to work on that.

Quoted from wonkavite they seemed more bothered by her walking, than actually talking!

That would be my fault.  One, because I cut out of that scene pretty early, so we don't see Greg's and Jillian's full reactions, and Two, because in the next scene, when Jillian's on the phone, I cut down her dialogue to keep it from dragging and I took out some of her shock at Ginger's speaking.  So I see what I did wrong there.

Quoted from wonkavite and LC, respectively I'm interested to see where you go with this one in the rewrite    ....    will definitely be keeping an eye out for that new draft, or bigger 'piece'

It might be a little while, as I plan on working 'Ginger' into a feature entitled 'Hallow'.  I'm just letting the story percolate a little right now and see what it develops into.

Right now, all I have is that a nun (years after her death) is being considered for canonization by the Catholic church.  During their inquisition of her life, they discover memoirs from her and discover her psychic premonitions are linked to visions of demons and how they were the key of how she's been able to save so many helpless individuals.  (It's labeled a horror, but I plan on writing it with a very strong sense of reality.  I want it to be more psychological than physical.)  'Ginger' is a little backstory (from when the nun was an infant) I wrote just to see if people are interested in it enough and see if it lights a fire under my ass to write a complete story for 'Hallow'.

As for right now, I have to say I do plan on working on it, but at least not for a couple of months.

But thank you very much, Janet, for taking a read and letting me know your opinion.  I appreciate it greatly.

- Mark

Hey Greg, what's up.

Just started following your food blog.  I figured since Americans aren't aloud to play poker now for a living and I have to get a REAL job, (I cook), I might as well start surrounding myself with more and more food.

Quoted from greg It felt like it lacked direction and a clear purpose.  Ginger has these weird things going on with her sleep, something is to be anticipated, and then her sister gets attacked by fire ants.  It just felt kind of incomplete for me

Yeah, I think a big part of that is because the story isn't whole itself.  I just kind of put this out there to see if it would attract enough attention that would light a fire under my ass to work on a feature (of which, 'Ginger' was a back story) I'm thinking about.

Quoted from greg I was also expecting the dog and the snake to play a part.  The fire ants in that sense were a surprise but I'm not sure they were the way to go.

This was an attempt to bring things from my real life and work them into the story.  What happened to Gabriella, is based on what actually happened to me when I was her age.

I used to always play in my front yard, (I always steered clear of the ditch where there was a dreaded rattlesnake pit.)  I used to love the dog that would come out across the street and one day, I was just standing there, intrigued by her for some reason.  All of a sudden, I just felt a horrendous burn and when I looked down, I had those fucking evil pissants all over me.  I just started screaming and my dad came out (thinking I had gotten bit by a snake, I later found out), scooped me up and threw me in the tub.  I wasn't allergic and didn't have to go to the hospital or anything, but I remember looking back in the tub and seeing all the ant wreckage floating in the water.  I just always thought that'd be cool to write about someday, so I threw it in here.

Quoted from greg And I'm kind of confused what happened at the very end with Jillian and Greg talking about Ginger.  What'd I miss?

There, I just wanted to show that Jillian and Greg (lol.  I just realized he has your name.) realized that whatever had happened to Ginger that night was prophetic, and that the little infant saw this coming and somehow managed to warn them.

Anyhow, I realize I still have miles and miles to go on this one, but thanks for checking it out and letting me know what you think.

And by the way, a buffalo burger with jalapeno jelly?  The buffalo and jalapeno part sounds awesome, but I don't like the texture of jelly, so I think that would put me off enjoying it.  I do love buffalo burgers, though.

- Mark

Tinkles??? Seriously? Sounds like your talking to your kids in your action prose. "Relieves herself" would work better IMO.

I Just thought this was okay, but it has potential. It would be a very tough film to make. I would almost rather see Ginger be developmentally slow. 3 or 4 and has never walked/talked until that night she foreshadows what is to come.

The first time she walks could be cut IMO. It didn't add anything to the story. Also, What she says has to offer the twist. They did what any parents would do, wash the ants off.

You need to focus on Ginger giving the parents the info to save Gabby. I rather see this turn out to be a bee sting in Gabby's throat. It swells to the point she cannot breathe. The night before, Ginger walks in their room with a straw and says "After you cut this, do this""" She mimicks cutting her throat and inserting a straw for an emrgency  tracheotomy that saves gabrielles life.

It could be a tense couple moments when the parents see that Gabrielle is not breathing and then they remember what Ginger said.

Hope this helps some. Let me know if you do a rewrite, I think its too weak as it sits...

James

Hey Hugh,

Thank you for taking a look at this one.  I'm glad you liked it.

Quoted from Hugh Hoyland Its a "fast" read (whatever that means)

Lol.  I wonder if the 'fast' read has anything to do with the sometimes sentence fragments that I've been starting to write with lately.  I'm trying to find new ways to make smoother reads, and I think the technique is kind of rubbing off on me.

That being said, I'm glad to see that you said you were able to picture the story pretty easily in your head.  It kinda shows to me that the technique could work.  Eventhough I'm using sentence fragments, I'm still getting the images across.  I'll take that compliment anyday.  :-)

Quoted from Hugh Hoyland I somewhat expected a "twist" ending to be honest. This one didnt have that but IMO thats a perfectly fine and valid approach as well.

Yeah, this was a more straightforward story.  I didn't want to get too fancy with it, since I might (not too sure yet) write the full feature I'm planning on and working this backstory into it somehow.

Thanks again for checking this out, Hugh.  I'll be checking out 'Wisp' very soon.  I think that's an interesting title.  I'll be looking for it in the next few days.

Hey James.

Quoted from jwent6688 You need to focus on Ginger giving the parents the info to save Gabby. I rather see this turn out to be a bee sting in Gabby's throat. It swells to the point she cannot breathe. The night before, Ginger walks in their room with a straw and says "After you cut this, do this""" She mimicks cutting her throat and inserting a straw for an emrgency  tracheotomy that saves gabrielles life.

Ahh!  You're an asshole!  Almost every story I've written now, you come up with a way to make it better.  I wrote it the way I did because it was something that actually happened to me when I was younger, but your way is a lot better.  Plus, your way would factor in the 'cringe' effect that you know I try and achieve with most of my stories.

Lol.  And yeah, I said 'tinkles'!  Are you kidding me?  This is the first story I've written in years where the infant doesn't die or get aborted.  I'm going to make it as cute as I can!

As for the rewrite to this, I don't know about that.  This is a backstory to a feature I might write in the future, so I'm not going to play around with it as a short for right now, but I am going to work this story (with your advice on the trache, if you don't mind) into the feature when that time comes.  I think I've gotten enough feedback now to say I probably WILL write the feature eventually.

Thanks once again, for the read and the great advice, James.

Hey Mark,

Took a gander at your story this morning.
I had peeked at some of the comments, so I knew this was a story fragment.
I like the opening grabber, don't see that one every day.
Though I felt the rest of it didn't quite gel enough to compliment the beginning.
I like the lazy hot Texas pace, been there, it rings true.
The adults didn't do much for me, but they weren't a distraction either.
It may be interesting if Jillian looks at Ginger's walking as a religious sign.
God is rewarding Ginger since her mother has to suffer in a chair.
Be a nice wedge between Greg's concern and mom's delusion.
It gives them a reaction conflict when the infant starts talking.

I was onto you right away about the prophecy part of your tale.
The snake mislead is unnecessary, set up the ants and knock them down.
It would give that scene much more oomph.
The deep manly voice for Ginger didn't work for me.
I think the prophecy would be even more creepy delivered in a baby's voice.
It feeds into mom's delusion of grandeur and amps the creepy factor.
Love to conclude with Ginger in her tweens preaching at a tent revival.
Even something as simple as that could put a decent bow on this script.

Good stuff, but it's a loose bag that needs to be knotted.

Hope this helps.
Best of luck on your new feature.

Regards,
E.D.

"Thanks again for checking this out, Hugh.  I'll be checking out 'Wisp' very soon.  I think that's an interesting title.  I'll be looking for it in the next few days."

You bet! Wisp is actually my very first completed screenplay ( My first, first is an unfinished Star Trek feauture of all things lol). And Im sure you'll notice my newness to the art lol. But please dont hold any punches, trust me I wont take it personal and I KNOW I have a lot to learn.

I'll have another short I submitted last week popping up soon as well.

I've read several of your scripts on here and I do like your style. I dont know if this is the right wording to describe it but they seem to have a "down to earth?" feel to  them. Even the more esoteric ones. But thats just the vibe I get and actually may not be where your coming from at all, but art is subjective right?

Either way IMO you can come up with solid stories.

I've been working my nerve up to read the "This may be difficult..." one lol. I'll get to it as well when time permits.

Keep up the good work.

Hey E.D.

Thanks for giving this one a read.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer It may be interesting if Jillian looks at Ginger's walking as a religious sign.  God is rewarding Ginger since her mother has to suffer in a chair.

Yeah, I plan on making religion much more of a factor (especially with the mother, like you mentioned) if I decide to do the feature for 'Hallow'.  (Or 'Hallowed'.  Not sure which I like better yet.)

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I was onto you right away about the prophecy part of your tale.  The snake mislead is unnecessary, set up the ants and knock them down.

I got you about the snake mislead.  The only reason I had it in there was because I explicitly remember my father saying after my whole situation with those bastard ants was that at first, he really thought it was a rattlesnake that got me and he was ready to suck the poison out.  My memory of everything that happened that day (about 26 years ago), is so vivid, and my father saying that sticks out so much, that I wanted to work the threat of the snakes into the story somehow.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer The deep manly voice for Ginger didn't work for me. I think the prophecy would be even more creepy delivered in a baby's voice.

You're probably right about that.  After my son was born, I had a dream about two months later that he was talking already, and his voice was deep and garbled and I had to listen close to what he was saying.  (I don't remember what he was saying in my dream anymore, unfortunately.)  I didn't mean for that to sound like a manly voice, though.  I should've described it as a raspy child's voice, maybe like laryngitis.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Love to conclude with Ginger in her tweens preaching at a tent revival.

I'm very much going to consider that when I sit down for the feature.  It'll certainly make for an excellent visual.  Only problem is, though, is that I don't want her to come off as preachy at all and forcing her beliefs on anyone.  I want her actions and how she helps others to speak her religion for her, rather than her just stand in front of everybody and brag about her faith.  I don't know.  I really like the idea, but I'm going to have to be careful in how I approach it.


Thank you very much again, E.D., for taking a look and letting me know your thoughts.  It's always appreciated.

- Mark

Hey again, Hugh.

I'll check your new one out as soon as I see it pop up in the portal.

Thank you very much for the 'down to earth' compliment and that's exactly what I go for in my stories, even the more 'unnatural' ones.

I just know that for myself whenever I read a story, once my element of belief gets snapped, I lose interest immediately and I'll probably just peruse the rest of whatever I'm reading.  Or, even worse, I feel cheated at how the auther bullshitted himself out of a situation.  (Hence, that's why I don't delve too far into any supernatural elements.  It's not that it brings me out of my comfort zone, I just don't like stories that don't have common sense.)

And lol.  'A Few Will Find This Difficult', huh?  Enjoy.  :-)  I think that's the first romantic love story I've ever written.

Thanks again for the compliments, Hugh.

- Mark

Mark, I want to 2nd Brett's comment about Ginger's voice.  I didn't like that either, or maybe, it was the way you described it, but it came off as evil, like she's possessed, and that's where I figured we were going.

I also think, if little Ginger is going to speak, it needs to be something on a bigger scale, as ants on a kid's legs don't seem that big a deal to me, and her words really didn't help the situation at all.  maybe if she warned about some impending bad situation that gets averted because of her, it would be much more powerful.

hey Mark,

so A LOT has been said about this one already, so I'll try not to repeat everyone's comments. I'm not going to comment on character development either because you've already stated that this is part of a much larger piece of work. so naturally, i'm assuming that you will be developing all of your characters much further than what is shown in this short.

i really liked that jill was in a wheelchair. it adds so much more suspense to the story, especially when considering that there are kids in the picture (and kids often require immediate attention). sure its been done before, but i dont see the harm in employing the motif yet again. it works in this short and thats all that matters. furthermore, i loved the fire ants. its creepy, its painful, and i can just imagine myself cringing if i saw it on screen. you feel bad for the kid and even though fire ants are terrifying, they're not TOO over the top. in other words, the fire ants are appropriate and dont feel like a cheap ploy trying to illicit an immediate response.

every time i read a script, i try to imagine it on screen (as evident by my previous comments). therefore there were a few things that didnt work for me. mainly, the scene where ginger talks. i'm not saying that it can't be done, it just has to be dont REALLY tactfully. most directors out there would totally fuck up this scene and instead of ginger coming across as terrifying, it would seem just plain silly, thus destroying your audience's perception of her. this too, has been done before, and never once have i bought it. a small child with a grown up voice just seems bizarre, and not in the good way (instead it seems tacky). i would find some other way to write this in the script. does ginger need to talk at all? if so, what could she say that would make it seem fairly reasonable?

concerning the opening scene, i always found it really creepy how kids walk into their parents' room and just stand in front of them, staring right into their eyes. when their mom/dad turns on the light, they jump 5 fucking feet in the air because they didnt realize their kid was so close to them. might be something worth considering even though ive seen this done before (but not with a kid/sleeping parent).

enjoyable read for sure. i look forward to the full length script.

Hey Jeff and Will.

Yeah, Ginger's voice.  Something needs to be done about that.  I didn't mean for it to sound like an adult voice, just a deep, garbled, child-like voice.

It would be hard for that scene not to come off looking foolish.  I know I didn't get into it in this short version, but it actually was a demon (not necessarily an evil one) trying to communicate the warning of what was going to happen to Gabriella through Ginger.

Quoted from albinopenguin furthermore, i loved the fire ants. its creepy, its painful, and i can just imagine myself cringing if i saw it on screen.

Lol.  Ever since that happened to me when I was younger, I've despised those frigging things!  I'm so glad I don't live in Texas anymore.

What you said about seeing it on screen though did make me think of a question.  In order to film that, I'm sure real ants would be used and I'm sure they'd be harmed during the filming of it.  Would this story get any heat from the animal rights activists?  Would there be fines to pay?

Thanks again, Jeff, and thank you Will for taking a read and letting me know what you think.  I'll be seeing you guys around.

- Mark

Hey Mark,

What's up, man.  I read this one on my iPad this morning while I was still in bed.  I don't like to read scripts on the iPad, but I didn't have any trouble getting through "Ginger" so kudos.

Anyway, I see that you've received a bunch of feedback on this, but I haven't read all of the comments, so I hope I'm not being too repetitive.

As I mentioned, I enjoyed this one and thought you did a nice job of painting a creepy picture without having to go overboard.  I loved how you opened this one up with the first scene.  I think that set a nice, creepy tone for the entire piece.  I don't have any kids, and I don't really know anything about kids, so I was like, "A 7 month old can't walk, can she?"  Haha.  Well, the more I thought about it, the more creeped out I was.  Nice job.

Now, I did read that this was part of something bigger.  I think you should really consider tackling it, because I think it would be something that I would want to read.  That said, I found myself going back and forth with whether or not this worked as is (i.e. as a self contained short).   On the one hand, I think you get your premise across (***SPOILERS*** i.e. that Ginger has some powers whereby she can tal the future), but there were def some parts that seemed undeveloped.  For instance, Jillian's handicap immediately jumps out.  Again, I realize that this is something that you will explain in greater detail as part of the larger piece, but as it stands, I kept wondering how she got in the chair, and whether it was relevant.

Anyway, all in all, I def enjoyed this and think you are on to something.  Thanks for the read, and I hope this helps.

Craig

***EDIT*** For what it's worth, I liked the way you handled Ginger's voice when she was in her "trance".  I would keep it as is.  I thought it was creepy.

Holy crap.  I'm sorry, Craig.  This one slipped right down the 'portal' and I didn't even see that you had posted.  Sorry I'm a little late responding.

Thank you very much for the compliments.  I'm glad to hear that it creeped you out the more that you thought about it.  Lol.  I was actually sitting on the toilet (except I wasn't just tinkling, I was taking a full on shit) when my son, (he was only 10 or 11 months at the time), shoved the door open on me, and (as always, he loves his baths), he crawled straight to the bathtub and reached for the knobs.  I thought about how creepy it would be if he were just a little bit younger and had walked instead of crawled.

So that was my inspiration for starting this one, which led me to my own personal experience of being swarmed by fire ants, and woolah.  This was born.

I do plan on working it into a feature I'm going to be working on called 'Hallow'.  Though, that won't be for at least a year or so.  I have two features I want to write first and then I have another feature that needs some serious brushing up.  Thank you for telling me you think it would work in an expanded form, though.  That'll light a fire under my ass to get to work on it sooner.

Thank you again, Craig, for taking the read and your kind comments.

- Mark