Quoted from Reef Dreamer Catherine I enjoyed the read and would love to see a revision based on your interchange above. I don't wish to repeat other remarks but on reflection I wondered where the power struggle/imbalance between the two men had gone by the end. It appears that abner is the boss and acts like it, although he is also inexperienced. Jaccob is experienced in other matters but is the junior. This set up seems ripe for tension and one thought it that the power is reversed at the end as a result, or the conclusion of the event, thereby  setting up another struggle in the opposite direction. May add a touch of the bite that seems required. Hope that makes sense. All the best.

Oh, yes, the tension between the two men is of great importance to me, I think I'm making the mistake of using characters that I know very well and fail to introduce adequately to the audience.  This is one place where I need to do more work, for sure.
Thank you very much for your comments, I hope to eventually post a revision.

[quote=rc1107]

Where this story didn't work for me though, was Abner and Jacob.  It was moreso Abner that I didn't think fit.  Neither of them don't really act their age.  In fact, Abner comes off like he's in his early 20's.  Definately not 60's.  Jacob was okay, but he had his moments where he seemed extremely immature for his age, too.  And, he was in the marines to boot?  Definately couldn't tell that from his character.

END QUOTE MARK



Thank you, Mark, for your comments, your point of view has great value to me.  
I do find it difficult to reduce a character to essential points, especially in a short script.  As I said in an earlier reply, because I feel that I know these characters so well (they have populated my scripts in the past) I take for granted that I am introducing them well enough to the audience -- also, I take for granted that I really know them because I've studied them for so long, and I might not recognize false-notes that are obvious to a new reader.  So, I greatly thank you for your time and comments.

Hi Catherine, its hard not to agree with the above posters on the quality of the format and writing with this one.  You did a great job in that regard.

Aside from that, the story fell flat for me personally.  There were some decent shreds of plot lines and such, but nothing that was able to tie it all together in a cohesive manner.  I felt the dialogue couldn't of been more on the nose between Abner and Jacob, and I started wandering shortly into it.  

The general concept is solid imo, a cursed girl just wants peace to 'move on' to the afterlife, but utilizing two ghost hunter types to bring her justice seemed a bit too contrived.  

Just my take on the story, and like I said, you really have a solid ability to write, no question about it.  Good luck  

I felt the dialogue couldn't of been more on the nose between Abner and Jacob, and I started wandering shortly into it.  

end quote TheSecond


Thanks for your time and comments, they are very helpful.  I find it difficult to know what dialogue will help the story move along and what will seem too obvious to the reader.  Then again, an audience is likely to miss words and ascertain information by actors' reactions, demeanor, etc.  -- so I guess I tend to go for the "on the nose" dialogue more often than not, to avoid being misunderstood completely!

HI Catherine, first of all, thought it was a great read. I dont want to sound like a broken record and I know it was a short,  but I was really intrigued by Marie`s character, a little bit more depth would have great...
Just one thing I dont understand, if Abner and Jacob are parnanormal investigators and their sole reason for being in Marie Larson`s room,  is to hopefully see Marie, why is that neither one seem to know anything about her on page 6. Jacob knows nothing and Abner seems to think she is a witch or a or prostitute or something and again I know its a short, I just thought that they might have researched what they are in for.

Just my little opinon.
Love your writing

irish eyes, you raise good questions, make good points about Abner and Jacob's background knowledge about the ghost.
Thank you for the comments, they are greatly appreciated.

C