This script did not do anything for me.  I couldn't accept Raven as goth.  Putting her in dark clothing and all that isn't enough.  And shamrock shakes?  Do they really serve them at goth clubs?

Don't change characters' name in midstream; it only confuses people.  Damon should've been introduced as Damon from the very beginning.  It wouldn't have revealed anything about him.

SPOILER SPACE

Damon's a zombie?  I don't get it.  You should've left it with him being a vampire.  I'm probably saying this because I don't like the zombie genre, but also because you made him intelligent and human.  This goes against the whole definition of what a zombie is.

The salt idea was a nice touch.  I did like that.  A simple (but temporary) solution to Damon's problem.


Phil

Hey Dena.

So starting off, I think you mean "LONE bath house" as opposed to "loan bath house".  It starts off good but kind of slows down a bit for me after Damon kills the two girls in the bath house.  You're building backstory and getting the ball rolling but it's just not working for me until things start up again around page 6.

I suggest taking out those first five pages and start with Damon in the convenience store.  A guy with black veins running up his arms buying a bunch of salt...it has me turning the page.  You can work in the disappearance of the two girls as you progress (maybe a TV in the store?) and also his motives for not killing Raven near the end when Raven sneaks up on him as he paces over the graves.

A pretty interesting story though the relationship between Raven and Damon seems a bit rushed (evidently nobody taught Raven about stranger danger!).  Maybe Raven has seen Damon lingering around the underground?  Anyways, that's what I've got.  Shamrock shakes are awesome BTW.

Gave this a read as it's 'script of the day' - Even though you're not obviously after feedback on this anymore, just wanted to say it was a nice little script, I particularly like your style of writing - very visual - Good job!

rolo

Thanks Rolo my second ever screenplay I had fun writing it. Glad you enjoyed!

Hi Dena,

I'm afraid I wasn't a fan of this at all. I honestly wasn't sure if it was supposed to be dark and sinister or tongue in cheek with the goth iconography and Damon's melodramatic brooding. I can't say it worked for me either way but if you were going for dark and sinister instead of the other thing, you've got a lot more to worry about. Damon's awkwardness kind of killed whatever creep factor he was supposed to have and his dialogue was cliche and came off very emo. Lines like "Unjudged" and "You smell almost delectable" sound forced and just weird. He even wears a hoody (which he apparently can't wear in the store?). I liked his physical description and his tic with the salt but everything kind of overshadowed those elements. Raven, I liked better but she seemed kind of oblivious at times and I was never sold on why she was pursuing this dude to the extent she was. Again, I suppose you could've been trying to take the piss out of goths but if you weren't, elements are working against you.

I think the references to vampires and Fifty Shades of Grey made things worse. Fifty Shades of Grey irks me considerably in general. It's such an obvious and overused topical reference and anything looks like Shakespeare next to it so it's a cheap jab that doesn't accomplish much. The "vampires are so overrated" line had a similar feel and sounds ridiculous coming from Damon's mouth as he really wasn't a far cry from the Edward Cullen archetype. I'd scrap it all.

The goth references overall, I didn't mind. On the contrary, I thought they added character to your story. I especially liked your descriptions of The Underground and things like Shamrock shakes tend not to be obvious iconography, which I appreciated. I couldn't get a grasp of what kind of place this was though. Is it supposed to be a bar? If so, how are teenagers hanging out there and if not, what exactly is it? Raven's name was perhaps too obvious a choice in name for me. Damon definitely was and you directly reference its source, which cheapens the quality of the script overall.

I think your writing needs to be scaled back. You use a lot of conjunctions e.g. "as" and "which," which end up drawing your sentences out and slowing your pacing down considerably. You also use a lot of passive voice, which has a similar effect. These are simple changes though that can really step up your writing once you address them. The only things that really annoyed me were introducing Damon as Hood Man and hence changing your character's name halfway through the script (introduce him as Damon and leave it at that) and calling one character HOT BLOND. These kinds of descriptions always read lazy and throwaway. "Hot" really needs to remain out of screenplays in general unless it's part of the dialogue.

Your ending is pretty meh but it seems you're already aware of that. Whatever you decide to do with that, please cut the line, "What have I done." Mad on-the-nose. His expression kind of says that already. Also, you used the word "boneyard" to describe the graveyard for some reason. Nothing wrong with this per se but it reads strange following a slug with a completely different name.

I think you can tighten up your writing in more or less simple fashion but I think your dialogue needs a lot of work. That's where I had the most issues certainly and it painted the script's tone more than anything else did as far as I'm concerned. The on-the-nose stuff and references need to go whereas other lines just need to be rephrased.

I realize this is only your second script so perhaps I've been needlessly harsh. Sorry for that if that's the case but I feel like most writers want to know these things. I also feel like there's many changes you can make to improve this one significantly. Hope this helps.

Hey, Pale Yellow, it seems as though you have enough reviews, advice, and critiques. So, I'm not trying to be behind on your next project. Is there anything of yours I can look forward too?

Thanks, BLB

I work like a mad woman busy little bee...just wrote one actually called Bee Boy reminds me of your handle there! It's kinda creepy though! I'm turning it into a feature now On page 60 something but the short is on here under OWC

Thanks for askin!

Ok .. recently I had a chance to make a ZOMBIE short film for a local festival... anyway, I WANTED so much to rewrite this script into a short film... however... the finished product did not have the girl bonding with the zombie as in this one... but here is our first teaser trailer.