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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Love and Debt Moderators: bert
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  Author    Love and Debt  (currently 2068 views)
Pale Yellow
Posted: December 9th, 2011, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys. I'll really keep learning and working before posting this 'crap' here Everyone.....yall are troopers to give it a read. I really appreciate it.

Happy Friday!
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: December 9th, 2011, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dena,

Just a quick thing. That wasn't c**p. Needs work etc yes, but put things into perspective. You only started a while ago and with each effort you make good progress. I hope to do likewise.

I realised a little while ago I have to write more to improve. Sounds obvious but for a while I was just reading, when I should have done both.

Yesterday my first ever script was short of the day. Thankfully, no one had a read as it has a bucket load of basic errors. In that OWC I found the feedback dished out hard to take, but it was the best and  fastest education I could have asked for.

Well done for keeping at it.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Forgive
Posted: December 11th, 2011, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hi Dena. Nice to read something else you have put up. I really didn't want to read all of the feedback, so some of this may have been said already.

Pace is a little to slow for a short. You said you were thinking of making it a feature - pace is more aimed to a feature.

The BME isn't really there. In particular the ending. If you had shortened things, you would have more room for the ending. There needs to be some resolution, and it kind of ends like an episode - we're left wanting to know what happens next.

Could this make a feature? In my opinion yes. But in truth I feel that you may have missed the key to it - it really is (or needs to be) a comedy (I think others may have referred to this) - as much of it is a comedy of errors. But to be a feature, I think it would need fleshing out some - maybe it would need the 'coke-head' ex to be on the scene (lots of comedic potential there...).

Oh. And please learn how to use ellipses...

Good luck!
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Heretic
Posted: December 12th, 2011, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

Page 1: "He left me in a financial mess..."  You already set yourself up for much more natural exposition of this problem with the collector.  You know what I'd suggest?  Anna says, "Collector...every day."  Jayden says, "He really left you in a mess, huh?"  The exposition about Anna will sound a lot more natural coming from someone else, and having Jayden very evidently aware of Anna's life will very clearly display their good friendship.  Plus, in saying that line, Jayden makes it clear that she already knows Anna's single, eliminating the unnecessary exposition about seeing it on Facebook and again reinforcing the idea of them knowing each other well.
The dialogue in this scene could be tightened a little more elsewhere, too.  Jayden's last two lines could easily be half the length, or, alternately, could provide additional information about the story.  As they are, though, she's talking a lot and not saying much.  

Page 2:  Tiny thing, but since Irish Car Bombs are drop shots, it threw me off that shot glasses aren't mentioned anywhere in the action.
Drunk driving.  Odd thing to include, in my opinion.  Strange for the main characters to engage in poor behaviour without consequences.  
Personal opinion: they're women.  They should be called "women" in the action lines.  Bartender callin' em "girls" works but you may as well avoid inaccurate language in the description.

Page 4:  Took a while getting to the main plotline here, which I suspect is gonna be that Thomas hunts her down.  Let me ask you this: is the bar scene really necessary?  Or would it be possible to just cut to them walking up to Anna's house, drunk after the bar?  What would be lost by doing this?

Page 6:  I find this whole setup a little weird.  Survey dude shows up, gets invited in, takes them to breakfast?  Looking above I see others have commented.

Page 7:  There is no conflict in this script.

Page 9:  So I was wondering what was gonna come of this, but the major logical gap in the script is this: why didn't Thomas send police to her house?

Thoughts:

You've got some interesting elements here.  The basic ideas are sound.  The story, as I said, lacks conflict.  Here's what's more interesting: she figures out at the very start of the script that the wonderful new guy she's met is her collector.  That's what's so interesting about your story, and I think that's what's gonna let the characters grow.  As it is, it's just a by-the-numbers romance that plays out with a sorta unsatisfying ending.  I think there's a lot of potential, though, if you rework it to focus on its main premise, which I see as being as above.

Didn't personally take a lot of interest in Anna as a protagonist.  Given her relatively dire situation, she didn't work particularly hard to resolve the issues she was facing.  She has the potential to be a charmingly plucky heroine laughing in the face of a grave situation but as it is I think she just comes off a bit lackadaisical.  The backstory of her ex doesn't really add much except to arbitrarily inform the audience that nothing is her fault.  We should probably get a stronger sense of why nothing is her fault, and what a terrible guy he was, and what the flaw in her is that led her to stay with him for so long, throughout the story.

I think you've got a solid base here on which to build a unique and interesting story.  Thanks!  A nice, light, breezy read.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: December 28th, 2011, 9:13am Report to Moderator
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Tried to rewrite this, if anyone is interested in reading it. I really tried to fix as many problems as possible as suggested by all the great readers in here Thank you for reviewing my stuff, even though sometimes, it may seem a task. I do appreciate it.
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Forgive
Posted: December 28th, 2011, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hi - I wasn't too sure that Ian was well-drawn enough - I'm going to give the script another read, and I'll feedback later. Ian appeared to be a bit one-dimensional; he's only described as tall and muscular, and I felt that he needed a bit of dialogue when he first comes into contact with Anna. Also his line 'She's a hoot...' - this simply can't be the most excitement he's had all year...??? I think maybe he comes across a little Mills and Boony? Might be better if he had some character flaws.

I'll give it another read though, and try and give some more constructive feedback. (Just about to read the other one too).
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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 1st, 2012, 3:27am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dena,

I gave this another read and IMHO this reads a lot better. I’m glad you changed the initial meeting of Ian and Anna. Though not perfect, it works a lot better here than before with the survey thing.

I still think Jayden is a weak link and there is one scene in Ian’s car that was an awkward read for me. The ending is also too cheesy for my liking but I did ask for a happier ending on my previous post and that’s what you gave me,  guess I’m just a hard person to please.

Overall this is some fine writing and I think you’ve done a good job on the rewrite.

Good work!

Steve.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 5th, 2012, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dena,

I'm happy to look through your new draft.
Consistently contributing members will always get my attention above others.
I reviewed my notes for the first draft before tackling the new one.

For some reason, I can't copy and paste this draft.
So, I'll just have to refer to things when they crop up.

On page five, the INT of IAN'S CAR scene is a bit of a mess.
Sandwiched between Jaden's lines is "She punches Jaden..."
Even though Anna hasn't even been mentioned by name in the scene.
That's followed by a line that makes it sound like Jayden got out of a moving truck.
This little sequence derailed my reading pace. Very poorly worded, IMO.

Page seven, ending up on someone's cue stick... sounds painful.
Perhaps there's a way to word that better.

Page ten, strip mine the Tebow Time exchange, it sounds very expository right now.
Something like, "That deep route in overtime was crazy!"
Give us a little flavor to go down with that dialogue.

I felt the resolution came a little too fast and neat.
It needs some spice, perhaps a reversal for our plucky heroine.

They go back and forth and Anna sets him up to have another chance.
Something like, Anna calls Ian while they're in the room together.
She pretends to be a debt collector of a different kind.
Claiming Ian is in default in his relationship, so how will he be making restitution?
Show us some chemistry as they forgive each other.

Hope this helps. Keep writing and rewriting.

Regards,
E.D.


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