Michael,

Thanks for the read, appreciated.

Yeah, this is a simple tale but with only five pages (competition limits - not a MP comp) it was about the max i could include.

You will have a lot of experience with MP, but as this was only my 3rd or 4th script it was still a learning process. I find it amazing how much you can learn from such short script and i don't just mean the errors, but pacing, order, balance of scenes and above all what to include and what not to.

I have had many good suggestions but IMO if i included some the whole tone and underlying twist is then thrown out of the water. Of course that can happen, but it changes what i was after.

Apart from maintaining consistency the repetitive poo jokes are there for a reason, namely it works with the revenge play. It can only be revenge, in my mind, if she [1] knows about this before he is set off and [2] the dog has proper gut problems. One poo is not a problem, three is. You see there's a line i never thought i would write.

all the best


PS where do you get those avatar pictures?? you and Bert don't half come up with some weird ones. Indeed, Berts current one, apart from having subtle subtext, i think, does my head in.

This is some top notch stuff. You handle a simple setup and payoff with skill and precision. Great timing and great writing. Very interested to see something longer from you.

The banter between Mark and his mate was absolutely spot on. Those conversations are two a penny and it was very on the money. The guy treats women as targets and for once he seems to get his comeuppance. That's a universal delight for an audience.

I'm sure actors would really enjoy playing Mark 'cos you've written him with a distinct voice when it would've been so easy to create a cookie cutter.

Great job.

Hey, Bill.

Took a read of your script and at first, didn't care for it much.  After a second read, I picked up on the nuances and enjoyed it much more.

I think this would work best on film, because so much of the funny stuff is visual.  I'd probably be howling if I could see Mark's face as things are happening.  Hopefully, whoever films this should can find a comedic actor with contortionist facial expressions.

Some of the British slang slowed me down. The lead, the boot...  I had to think about them for a bit.  I guess that's why the second read was so much better.

The time shift element threw me, until I could see where you were going.

Here are some gripes, thoughts and suggestions.

Make Mark a neat freak.  Over the top.

I notice we hear Kevin's phone conversation, but not Deb's.  Kevin has nothing important to say. Might as well dump that. We can hear Deb or not.  Your call.

Why does Mark pull off the road at the Goose Pub?  Not clear if the stop is for his benefit or Thief's.

I think Mark is a cat person.  The MEOW phone ring tone clued me in.  Maybe use that to your advantage.  If Mark treats Thief like a cat, he might just put a teeny-tiny Litter Box in the backseat of his car for Thief.  And spread a bunch of newspapers all around the seat.

Instead of a Range Rover, what if Mark drives a convertible?  
then at the end, Thief might fart and Mark drops the top for fresh air, causing all the newspapers to blow away.
Thief then drops a messy load.

Set up the scenes with a bit more visuals.  The Goose pub, the Country Park, I didn't get a strong image.

Does Deb know Mark?  Does she know what he looks like?  If so, why does it take so long for her to send the image of Mark being naughty?
If she Doesn't know Mark, why would she send over a picture at all?

To make Stacey's part work better, set up the payback from the start.  Not in an obvious way.
When Deb calls, let her be excited.  Maybe Stacey and Deb have a mutual friend, a real slut.  A slut who frequents the same clubs Stacey and Deb hang out.
And the photo sent at the end is this slut girlfriend — caught on camera with some wanker guy — who just happens to be Mark.

Anyway, nice job.  Once I skirted past the piles of confusion, the story worked much better.  Cheers!

Abe

Quoted from DaveTroop Hey, Bill I reviewed this short on Circalit, but will gladly re-review it here. I don't particularly find poop jokes hilarious, but I enjoyed your sense of humor. Although, the poop jokes work in this case because of that super douchebag Mark. Overall, I thought your script was very funny. If you can get a dog to "act" what you have written, it would make a hilarious short. I would expect there's no shortage of douchebags to play Mark.

David

Sorry i missed your feedback. My apologies for not responding.

Thanks for the second read, i think thats enough for you now. You may have noticed a small change to the start. This was to balance the use of stacey but otherwise it reads the same.

They say don't work with animals so that is probably a weakness in this idea , but having said that the actions are  limited.

all the best

Quoted from Andrew This is some top notch stuff. You handle a simple setup and payoff with skill and precision. Great timing and great writing. Very interested to see something longer from you. The banter between Mark and his mate was absolutely spot on. Those conversations are two a penny and it was very on the money. The guy treats women as targets and for once he seems to get his comeuppance. That's a universal delight for an audience. I'm sure actors would really enjoy playing Mark 'cos you've written him with a distinct voice when it would've been so easy to create a cookie cutter. Great job.

Andrew, those are kind words.

I can't fault your description and this is what i aimed fort. Not exactly the Godfather, just a simple tale, well paced, a few laughs and a feel good twist. All within five pages.

Thanks for the read.

Abe,

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from Abe from LA I notice we hear Kevin's phone conversation, but not Deb's.  Kevin has nothing important to say.

Interesting. I actually think the call with Kevin is important. It allows us to [1] knows he's a ladies man, nicknamed sniper [2] been out the previous night and misbehaved [3] explains that having a dog is a major change to normal [4] that he is going to forget his obligation and go to the pub instead. It is important we set up Mark, not so Stacey, she has a limited role.

Quoted from Abe from LA Why does Mark pull off the road at the Goose Pub?  Not clear if the stop is for his benefit or Thief's.

He agrees on the phone to watch the football at the pub instead of walking the dog. Its also why the dog starts barking as they pass the park.

Quoted from Abe from LA I think Mark is a cat person.  The MEOW phone ring tone clued me in.

Interesting you saw it that way. My intention was for this to have a sexual connotation reinforcing with disturbed opinion of himself as a playboy.

Quoted from Abe from LA Instead of a Range Rover, what if Mark drives a convertible?   then at the end, Thief might fart and Mark drops the top for fresh air, causing all the newspapers to blow away. Thief then drops a messy load.

Yeah, there were few ways to play this. In essence it was the final soiling by the girls dog into his "love wagon" a symbolic put down.

Quoted from Abe from LA Set up the scenes with a bit more visuals.  The Goose pub, the Country Park, I didn't get a strong image. Anyway, nice job.  Once I skirted past the piles of confusion, the story worked much better.  Cheers! Abe

It is fair to say i keep the description down to a minimum especially when confronted with a five page limit, but i take on board your point.

This was written as a very Britishness script as it was for a British producer who had produced similar style shorts. As such, i think readers not from the UK have had more trouble getting into the meaning, slang and visuals, which is totally understandable.

Thank you for your time, effort, thoughts and feedback.

Maybe you can have Stacy tell her friend that she is the third one to send her that picture. This will have Stacy know about Mark's character in advance, but still have her conversation on the phone happening along with the dog's misadventures.

Quoted from TheRichcraft Maybe you can have Stacy tell her friend that she is the third one to send her that picture. This will have Stacy know about Mark's character in advance, but still have her conversation on the phone happening along with the dog's misadventures.

Thanks for the suggestion.

The issue here appears the confusion about when staceys telephone conversation is happening. I hope that the way it is currently presented is clear that it starts before he arrives but we then see snippets whilst he is out and about.

I feel a producer could handle this and wouldn't loose the viewer as each time they cut to stacey it is exactly the same and she is on the phone to the same person.

I just like the idea of her deciding to change her approach before he arrives and enjoying the moment as the last scene. However, there are many ways this could be done and i like your thinking.

cheers

bill

Hey Reef Dreamer,

Just read the script. It have made me smile several times. Really funny story.

I just didn't catch why Mark left the Goose pub. He'd startled the elderly couple, and so what? They were outside the pub, his friend - inside. Mark could just join his friend.
Maybe, he was afraid that they would call police because of animal abuse? For me it wasn't clear.

Though, IMO, it's a good story, easy to film. I wish you a lot of producers asking you to give a permission to film it.

Hey Bo,

Thanks for the read. It surprised me to see an old one (feels like an old one) on the thread. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

SPOILERS

Quoted from Bo I just didn't catch why Mark left the Goose pub. He'd startled the elderly couple, and so what? They were outside the pub, his friend - inside. Mark could just join his friend.

I had to try and remember the answer, which is...the dog wouldn't stop barking because it had missed its walk. This forces Mark to change his plan and take it for the walk he was meant to do in the first place.

Quoted from Bo Though, IMO, it's a good story, easy to film. I wish you a lot of producers asking you to give a permission to film it.

I have had a request to film this but i'm not sure that will occur. Time will tell. I would love to see how this played out on the screen.

Thanks for the read.

Hey Bill

I loved this.  The set-up was excellent and the pay-off even better.

Visually this was great, I had no trouble picturing Mark covered in dog shite lol.  I love to read a script with a great British accent and this was that.

Not really anything else to say, you've had some good long reviews so I'll just say it was very good.  It would be great to see this is on film; the flirting, the shitting and the retching!

Quoted from alffy Hey Bill I loved this.  The set-up was excellent and the pay-off even better. Visually this was great, I had no trouble picturing Mark covered in dog shite lol.  I love to read a script with a great British accent and this was that. Not really anything else to say, you've had some good long reviews so I'll just say it was very good.  It would be great to see this is on film; the flirting, the shitting and the retching!

Hey Alffy,

Thanks for the read. You took me my surprise with that. I looked at the portal and thought that sounds like one of my scripts

Glad you enjoyed it. This was one of my first scripts and a good experience in plotting a story in a few pages.

Cheers

bill

Nicely done.
Format was ok I didn't see much of a problem there.

Everyone seem to have pointed out some typo's which I didn't notice in my reading of it, and unless the entire thing is riddled with them most people that would be looking to film it won't either only you writer people are catchy about that which is a good thing keep the typo's down but don't kill your self if you make 1 or 2. Like in acting when you go in for an audition and you make a mishap don't call attention to it and keep moving because most of the time the auditioners won't notice it and if they do they will be pleased that you were able to recover and keep moving on from it.

You have a location Country Park though its not really a specific location when doing short film's a general rule of thumb is that it is best to hang on the general side try to stay away from really specific locations unless you actually plan to shoot the movie your self, so instead of country park just say park. There are varying rules to that to, to where you can have specific places in mind and in script.
Alot of shorts never get a chance to be produced because they are to location specific and when the writer is asked if they can be changed they tend to stick abit to much to thier locations as thats the way it has to be done. Not saying its somthing you specifically do.
Which I believe the Alex fellow here asked something along the lines also, I would not be to picky if your short wants to be produced and someone wants to change a location to get it to work especially if they still want to keep it similar but are just trying to work with what they have. When it comes to shorts there is almost absolutely no money to be made, Credit is the King of Shorts get your name out there have something you've written produced.

Another thing its a Short, what could be about a 5 minute short if it where a feature comedy you keep it funny do your story. Shorts are punchline, punchline, punchline, never let the audience breath you want them rolling on the floor gasping for air. that changes when you start doing longer and longer shorts theres a difference between the flow of story fo a 5 minsutes vs one for 20 minutes or more. I feel there is breathing room at parts and to much explaining at the start with nothing funny till the park just about.
Theres reference in there where could be a cat person as mentioned from his ring tone do what was mentioned add on to that have a litter box in the back, starts people off to a small chuckle  he doesnt know how to deal with dogs and just raise it from there as you go do things that people mention eating people's food, chasing stray animals dragging him around keep and it coming. Hes a dog he wants to run around but wait he has a bad stomachso, I would die if I saw him chasing a squirrel and then just stop dead and then just poo on the ground giving mark just enough time to stand up and once he does Theif bolts off again causing him to go face first into the freshly made turd and dragging him off again.

And I think it flows quicker in opinion, if at the beginning during the phone call between debbie and stacey move that to the end and just have stacey fake being sick.

So after all of marks scene's Cut to:

INT. STACEY'S BEDROOM - DAY

STACEY
Hello Debs... No I'm fine, I'm
faking being sick.... So Mark can
walk my dog... Because the poor
fella’s had awful guts this week.

Stacey looks at a PICTURE on her mobile phone of Mark kissing a
girl in a nightclub. His hand in the girl’s pants. A devious smile cracks
across her face.

From there cut back to marks last car scene and fade out of him going NOOOOOOO.

So then its just boom, boom, punchline after punchline quick one after another.

IMO even more funnier if the Title was A Man's Best Friend.

And be wary of using things like the references of the boot even though it's an english term if your have the script for a more open market unless all the humor is to come from the english references keep it general you will have a larger chance to have it produced. But this only regards short film's, feature film's there is usually a reason that there is reference's like that and is then ok.

Hope it helps even then its all a good read.

Hey Earl,

Thanks for the read, glad you enjoyed this.

I've been meaning to re look at this one as it was one of my first and written to a tight page limit which can affect the writing. No doubt i would make a few changes now - but thats evolution!

My latest, Inner Journey, is much more designed for filming, although it is a bit longer!

Quoted from Earl You have a location Country Park though its not really a specific location when doing short film's a general rule of thumb is that it is best to hang on the general side try to stay away from really specific locations unless you actually plan to shoot the movie your self, so instead of country park just say park.

Funny you should mention that as  i thought this was quiet generic, although i see "park" could be be more open. I suppose what i think of these days is using appropriate locations but nothing that couldn't be changed. I hoped this applied here although i"ve always thought this was less likely to be produced due to its moving locations and use of a dog.

Quoted from Earl Another thing its a Short, what could be about a 5 minute short if it where a feature comedy you keep it funny do your story. Shorts are punchline, punchline, punchline, never let the audience breath...

Interesting. Some scripts i see are really the build up to a single twist, especially if only five pages, others are more full on. What i try to avoid is effectively a sketch (although i do have one written in this style - not posted) of two/three people delivering jokes/lines. Of course they can be funny but not very visual and different to what is hoped for. Often little in the way of story.

Quoted from Earl Theres reference in there where could be a cat person as mentioned from his ring tone do what was mentioned add on to that have a litter box in the back, starts people off to a small chuckle  he doesnt know how to deal with dogs

There are many things i could have tried, but as you say...its five pages. The aim here was to;

1] set up the character - playboy
2] set up the dilemma - dog, and not his
3] instigate the clash of worlds - the park
4] reveal the pay off - it was planned

The core element is that this story is premeditated revenge. Any changes to this changes the pay off. I could bring in cats etc but the core clash here is playboy versus illusion (dog walking) if i change the core tension/conflcit i have to change the character from a playboy to a cat lover - or have more pages. the "meowing cat" was more of a playboy reference than a cat lover

I much appreciate the read and hope to see work of your posted.

All the best

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Funny you should mention that as I thought this was quiet generic, although I see "park" could be be more open. Interesting. Some scripts I see are really the build up to a single twist. The core element is that this story is premeditated revenge.... .... "meowing cat" was more of a playboy reference than a cat lover

1. When a producer looks at a script he has to pick it apart to find out what it costs to make within it's budget.
So a producer will find things that most people think are general and veiw them differently.
Currently I am not a big Filmmaker so I need to do most of the work myself so I have to produce what I work on so I look at it like whats it going to cost to get whats in the script.
So when I look at it counrty park makes me think almost something like a very large park or even a national park.
Having specific locations is ok if the script really relys on it to sell the story, if not then it is a safer to keep it general, because then it makes it far easier to make and far cheaper.
On the same note in your script when Mark is in the park you have a Gravel Path mentioned, now something like this most likely your going to see that ignored when it is filmed, and the people making the film are going to use what ever the path is in the park weather it be a concrete side walk or a dirt path.
This is one of countless things that happen to scripts that do get filmed there will be some usually always small things that will be ignored some times even changed to make it work but usually so small that one wont notice like changing the path.

2. The build up to a twist yes there are alot out there that do that and alot of them do work, and at 5 pages its not a bad thing but you really have to make that big laugh that you built up to really funny.
I think its more of an opinion I guess, I've seen alot of bigs laughs in shorts work better than building to a twist unless that twist really makes you bust a gut.
Its easier to throw in alot of laughable jokes and things vs trying to get 1 giant gut buster.
But it can be done either way I just took it form the other side so just an opinion on the matter.

3. Yea I got the reference a bit when I first read it, then I read it again after I saw what the other fellow said about the ringtone and it made me think more of hes a cat person which was something that could easily be capitalized on because anything in comedy that could be capitalized on and made bigger and funnier, make it bigger and funnier.