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Hey Bill- Great job with this one. Funny how Mark thinks he's the man when really Stacy has the upper hand and has her revenge on him in the form of her best friend Thief. Poo=funny!
Hey Bill- Great job with this one. Funny how Mark thinks he's the man when really Stacy has the upper hand and has her revenge on him in the form of her best friend Thief. Poo=funny!
Sorry, DV44, I missed your post.
First off, apologies I don't know/remember your name, unless you are actually called DV44. Whilst that could be weird it's also kind of cool, but I digress.
Thanks for the read, it's much appreciated.
This was one of my first and a useful exercise in marshalling a scene(s) working out the best order, finding a payoff to finish it off etc. there have been lots of different ideas suggested, and many would work, but it is what it is and whilst unlikely to be filmed because of the dog/various scenes etc (having said that a crew are supposedly filming it - time will tell) it was fun to put together.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Cute piece. Mark is hilarious, classic jerk-off who thinks he gets all the ladies but in reality sounds like a total moron when he opens his mouth. I liked it, but I’m disappointed too. Thief could have crapped on Mark’s day a whole lot more. I think girls will get a kick out of this one. Cheating bf gets his in a different, unique way. Just kick it up a notch on Thief - maybe add other gags beside the poop jokes.
My third thanks for you reading my scripts - appreciated and rememebered.
This was only my third script, so early days for me. It has a soft spot for me as it was written for a competition with a 5/6 page limit whatever it was, so had to be condense. Fitting everything this proved to be a real education and improved my writing.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Funny story. Great gross-out humor. His reaction to the warmth was hilarious. Making it a one-two punch with the tripping was perfect. Good thing he was wearing leather pants..er..trousers.
I got a little confused in two places:
The first was when he arrives at the pub to have a beer with his friend, shocks the couple (not clear on the lingo - suggestive of bestiality?), and decides to go to the park after all. Why exactly?
The second was the ending. I didn't realize that the girlfriend was in flashback until I re-read the last two scenes a couple times. That undercut the climax for me. If you could include (Flashback) or Previous Day in the slug line, that would clear that up so people can be free to enjoy the full gross-out effect.
Thanks for digging this up. This is an oldie, one of my first scripts. I had to re read it to remind myself.
Answering you questions;
1] he doesn't go in the pub because the dog won't stop barking
2] Yes, the girlfriend was having her telephone conversation prior to Mark picking up the dog. She does say he's coming over that morning, which suggests its before he's arrived. We then find out from mark he's picked up the dog because she's not well, which suggests its already happened.
The key payoff is that she sends him out with Thief as revenge, rather than as favour. This we can only find out at the end but had to be a decision before he arrived that morning. Hope that makes sense.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Ah, I see. Yeah, I got that it was a revenge piece. What I missed was that his scenes were a flash forward and that we were returning to "the present" with her. There may have been an indication of that earlier that I didn't catch. I like the way you played with time. I just got a little lost in time.
I like how your writing flows too, this is something I need to get better at, to me my own writing seems stale and not very engaging, but yours is excellent, even though it's only 5 pages, the pages went by smoothly.
...and like all others have said, the comedy was great.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr