A Girl's Best Friend by Bill Sarre (reef dreamer) - Short, Comedy - An arrogant playboy seeks to impress a young woman by walking her dog, only to discover that a dog is not always man's best friend. 5 pages - pdf, format

Found this quite funny - well worked around and nicely planned.

Only mistake I could spot was the wryly was incorrect positioned - apart from that - good stuff - felt very English, mind. (Nothing wrong in that, of course).

This was really funny. Enjoyed reading it...it read fast and easy. I could only find one typo....

pg 2 "Anyway, forget all that, l'll come" the I is an l.

Great work.

The script has golden humour. Mark kind of reminds me of Stiffler from American pie  . But this line "Morning fellow dog owners. Don’t you just love them?" was bloody hilarious. I imagined Seann William Scott saying it.  

Overall, nicely written.

Very funny and well written...poo jokes I feel like I was 5 again

Mark

This was really funny.  I love how things go from bad to worse.  Holy mother...LOL.  Funny visuals...this would make an entertaining short.  Nice work.

Hey Bill,

I remember you asking about the logline for this just after i joined and i have to say that not only did you pull the logline off but also this short script. It's great man!

The writing flows, it reads so easy and like SiColl007 said, very English.

It reminds me of a Fast Show skit or even Harry Enfield from the 90's.

What little errors there were have already been pointed out.

One thing i would ask you about as i am unsure myself would be the V.O on the phone call, would it O.S instead?

I also used to drink at a pub called "The Goose" when i lived in Portsmouth a few years back so thanks for bringing back some happy memories.

Good work!

Happy new year.

Steve

Bill,

Some funny scenes in this.  I can really picture this assclown Mark in his white leather pants.

As another reviewer said, this is very English.  A couple times I wasn't sure exactly what I was reading.  First time I read  "dog barks in the open boot" I thought a small dog was actually sitting in a cowboy boot or something.  Didn't catch on you meant the trunk area for about a page or so.

I think you effectively draw Mark as this sleazy cheesebag who gets his smelly comeuppance.  Good setup to the "Stop Thief" line.

Overall some pretty gross scat humor that works because the guy really deserves it.

Hey Bill.

I recall reading something about the logline on another thread.
Always glad to lend an opinion to a contributing member.

I am a bit of an Anglophile, even though I reside in the colonies.

Mark is a total wanker and its great.
You establish a strong character in an easy to set up scenario.

The cell phone photo thing confused me when I should be sailing to your climax.
I thought the photo was going to show Mark hitting on dog park chicks.
Then on top of all the poop, he loses his chance with the sick girl.

Then she'd tell her friend that Thief has a bad gut.
And call Mark to run more errands for her, out of spite.
Then let the splattering of Mark's car commence.

For whatever reason, that's where my mind went.
But overall, I very much enjoyed the pages.

Cheers,
E.D.

I thought this was alright, although I thought the scat humour should have gone a bit further.

I wanted him to land face first in it...

Hey Bill, that was pretty funny and would definitely make an entertaining short. You created a great douchebag character in Mark, well done.

This was okay.

Technically, it's well written. The descriptions are concise, the dialogue's decent, the plot is complete and cohesive and it flows at a more or less effective pace. I could picture Mark right away and he didn't come off as much as a throwaway stereotype as he could've been. I think he carried the story quite well.

At the end of the day though, it feels like a one trick pony. I thought the child's spade was a fun twist and the encounter with the old people was mildly entertaining. But break it down, it's three dog poop jokes in a row. The last one was in the car, which is ghastly and definitely a blow to Mark's character, but it didn't really feel like the coup de grace somehow and since it's not shown, it hardly one ups the previous two (except with maybe a little extra squirting).

I think the success of the script depends on how funny people think dog poop is. I won't claim to be above poop jokes but yours, while well crafted as gags, weren't exactly out of the ball park. Merely adequate.

A very adequate script, overall.

By the way, MoviePoet?

Hi folks,

Thanks for the reads everyone.

Sorry I haven't replied sooner but I've been travelling and am now in the middle of nowhere with limited internet access and computer power. I will have to come back to you individually later, if appropriate.

This simple tale was put together for a short competition in the UK which is still being judged (190 scripts so expectations are low, the winner is produced). The criteria were five pages or less and on a similar theme to their previous work. Their previous short  was a down to earth story involving a deluded man, so this was my stab along those lines. To be honest I treated this more as a useful exercise in plotting a story.

As James above points out correctly, this is a one trick pony with a touch of added revenge, so hopefully the break up of the three scenes just about covers this, otherwise it needs an extra angle. On reflection the revenge element needs to be played out a bit more. I envisage a close up shot of Stacey as she breaks out into a large grin reinforcing the setup, which we discover at the end.

Finally, I appreciate this has a British feel, which was the intention as the producer is British. The next one in the Urban Legends challenge is, hopefully, more universal.

all the best and a happy new year to all

Hey Bill,

a lot has been said already, so I'll keep it short (i really dont have much more to add anyways).

overall, i thought this was okay. smiled a few times and enjoy myself. nothing new but dog s hit is always entertaining.

i honestly think you should scrap some of the locations (especially in the first half of the script). most of what's going on could all occur within the park.

i too was confused by the cell phone picture. it was flowing nicely until then.

enjoyable read but i think you can up the ante a bit. dogs are pretty gross. they slober everywhere, hump things they shouldnt, and can be a real terror. why not play it up a bit? what would mark do to have sex with the world's hottest chick if she had the world's worst dog? would it even be worth it?

Hi there, happy new year,
Good to read a something set in my country, Mark is a total wanker and an awesome character.
Two typo's to correct - P2 "L" instead of "I" when he says "I'll come back" and a missing apostrophe in Kids Spade.
Love Theif, but was a little let down that he didn't do more, he could be an even more memorable character. For example, I loved the jokes, but would rather have one poo joke.
Perhaps combine the trousers and shovel skits into one scene and have Thief do other things like Puke, hump, bark, lick, cock a leg, steal someone's dinner, drag Mark into the ladies toilets - he has lots of opportunities to ruin Mark's day!

Though it was nicely rounded off when Stacey explains that the dog hasnt been well and has had the shits.

Drop the photo scene, have a simple phone call running parallel with Mark's little adventure explaining Stacey's motives. Great idea that Stacey is the one using Mark so that premise could be strengthened.
Some awesome opportunities here that could be more.
A solid easy and enjoyable read with great moments.

Daz

Hi everyone and thanks for the reads.

If anyone wants a return on a script of there's let me know.

Pale, si col, nawazam, marnieme, steve, basket case, coop,  - thanks, kind words.

Quoted from irish eyes Very funny and well written...poo jokes I feel like I was 5 again Mark

.

Yeah, good old poo jokes. I was wary of going too far before it became dull, but hopefully the variation intermixed with the revenge element got it over the line.

Quoted from Ryan1 Bill, First time I read  "dog barks in the open boot" I thought a small dog was actually sitting in a cowboy boot or something.  Didn't catch on you meant the trunk area for about a page or so.

good point, hadn't thought of that option. it comes across very different when read like that.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer The cell phone photo thing confused me when I should be sailing to your climax. .

interesting, you're not the only one. what i have tried a couple of times is to have two stories running parallel only for one to be discovered to be before the other thereby leading to the twist. However, you mustn't loose your reader. yet, if i state the scene took place before then it takes the twist away. one to consider.

Quoted from James McClung At the end of the day though, it feels like a one trick pony.

yeah, i know what you mean. hopefully, the mix of scenes, the intercut with Stacey and the different knowledge carries it through.

Quoted from albinopenguin enjoyable read but i think you can up the ante a bit. dogs are pretty gross. they slober everywhere, hump things they shouldnt, and can be a real terror. why not play it up a bit? what would mark do to have sex with the world's hottest chick if she had the world's worst dog? would it even be worth it?

You're right there are quote a few variations, indeed some good ideas in there. For me i set out to set up a strong character, make him try and dodge what he has promised and once forced by the dog then have a hell of a day. Only then we discover it was a master plan, a revenge play. For this to work out he had to be sent out with this already in mind, therefore he needed to have strayed beforehand for revenge to be the motivation, in this story. That was enough for my five pages - the restriction i had.

Quoted from darrentomalin For example, I loved the jokes, but would rather have one poo joke.

Sure. I wondered about this myself but hopefully it works because each is different and actually part of a pattern, but i get the point. as i mentioned above, a good challenge is to introduce the parallel story without revealing too early.

On reflection i think i should start with Stacey but still leave the final twist for the end.

cheers folks

Gotchya, sometimes those restrictions can be a real b itch. now you have the opportunity to play around a bit (although i find boundaries to be a bit more helpful when i write).

also, since you've offered a return read, i have a new draft of Reaparations on the boards. would love your input if you're not busy.... haha

I laughed out loud in some places, or lol'd whatever.

The only thing I didn't like was the dogs name.

Good luck

Hi Bleyshon, thanks for the read.

The dogs name came about after I thought what would appear stupid to shout out in public, should the dog run away. We have a new dog this year and it doesn't always come back!

Once the Thief part was in my head it seemed fine as a dogs name and could be used to set him up and be part of a scene.  However, what I have learnt is to double check every assumption you make as other readers don't always see it the same way - infact still learning this!

If I can return the read let me know.

Great read! Loved the protagonist!

Hi Lou,

Thanks for the read.

There is only so far you can push the dog poo jokes - i think i reached that point. On re reading and with the comments provided, i could stress the revenge element a tad clearer, after all thats the twist, the play, so to speak.

If you are new around here (i saw you read an old script, well done for reviewing and don't worry about picking up an old one, i did exactly that when i arrived here) here are a few tips, if you know all this already then ignore;

use the portal button, it gives you a review of whats latest
try and read scripts from writers who are around and also respond. quite a few post and we never see them
if you want to write and be reviewed you are doing the right thing in reviewing first
any other questions feel free to PM me (bottom left hand button)

all the best.

Bill

This was an amusing little script. The writing was clean, no issues there. The protagonist was a smug little prick so it was satisfying to see humiliated twice…and well, inconvenienced on the third count. Good set up and pay off, timely jokes and nice twist with Stacey having schemed it all from the beginning.

Sure its toilet humour and essentially the same joke repeated but I think you get away with it because of the subtle embellishes added to each scene which keeps them fresh. Firstly, it’s the warm sensation he feels before slipping in it, secondly, you have him forced to purchase a toy spade in order to dispose of the waste and lastly, Mark’s prized possession, his car, gets the rap. This way the scenes don’t seem repetitive so the joke gains legs and replay value.

My one suggestion would be to switch the first two embarrassing poo-related scenes. Getting cr?p all over your leg is far worse than having to buy a kid’s toy to remove it, you know. The latter is embarrassing but it a humorous way, I know I’d see the funny side of it…the former however is flat out humiliating with no redeeming qualities, so maybe think about building it the other way around.

Well done.

Col.

Hey Bill.

I shall start by saying I'm one of those people who generally doesn't find poo and fart jokes funny, usually just not my thing. So with that in mind I think you've done a good job as I found it amusing. My favourite part was him carrying the delivery on the spade, I could really picture him and those around him.

When the dog initially leaves his treat you have him say 'oh christ, it's warm'. I feel instead of that you could make it more of a visual gag. Something along the lines of us seeing the poo with steam rising (so we see/ assume it's warm), he puts his hand in the bag, it squelches as he takes hold, then he gags, maybe he actually vomits as that would be an even worse scenario in front of the ladies.

The part that confused me a little, like a few others, was the phone call and photo. Should it be a flashback as Stacey says he's on his way over and he can walk Thief? Just a thought as we've already seen Mark with Thief and it seems like we've gone back. Also make it clear it's a random girl in the photo, at first I thought the friend had sent a photo of Mark and Stacey kissing and fondling, that could be my bad though, not yours.

Well written and easy to read, an amusing effort.

Cheers.

Thanks Col and Arty, apologies for the late reply.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Bill My one suggestion would be to switch the first two embarrassing poo-related scenes. Getting cr?p all over your leg is far worse than having to buy a kid’s toy to remove it, you know. The latter is embarrassing but it a humorous way, I know I’d see the funny side of it…the former however is flat out humiliating with no redeeming qualities, so maybe think about building it the other way around. Well done. Col.

First off, thanks for the kind words. Like you i hoped the splitting of the scenes, the way they were played out would mean that a similar gag was carried through. In terms of your suggestion above, i hadn't thought of that. I will give it a ponder. thanks.

Quoted from ArtyDoubleYou The part that confused me a little, like a few others, was the phone call and photo. Should it be a flashback as Stacey says he's on his way over and he can walk Thief? Well written and easy to read, an amusing effort. Cheers.

Arty, also thanks for the kind words. Now that you mention it i'm not a fan of poo and fart gags either. In seems strange to say this but i kind of didn't see it this way, when clearly it is. They were gags because of the effect on Mark i suppose.

In terms of your point above, it does seem some have been thrown by this and others were not. No good having some of your readers confused, so yes it needs adjustment. As i have mentioned i like the idea of parallel stories that we end up finding were at different times, hence the twist. If i state as flashback then i've given the game away. Again one to ponder.

On reflection i think stacey needs to be introduced at the beginning.

If nothing else this little story has been good for me to consider how to plot this delicate balance.

I note Col has a script posted for which i will return the favour and arty i understand you have one to be posted that i will look out for.

cheers

As someone who used quite a lot of tacky humor in Strong and Wise, I found this to be very cute. Women know men would put themselves out just to get into their pants, and this little revenge comedy shows just how men can get their comeuppance. Nice way to get in touch with your feminine side, lol.

I thought it was a bit confusing at first near the end when Stacey says she's going to make Mark walk her dog. I was thinking, he's already doing that... Perhaps smooth that out a little.

Mark is an ass and apparently hits on all women and it also seems that he does get what he wants on occasion. Stacey finds out his true character and punishes him by making him walk her dog when it's sick to its stomach. That works as a story, but to me it would have been funnier if that wasn't what the story was about, but instead it was about a guy who walks a dog who goes a lot and he runs out of bags and the angry people he encounters. God knows people can freak out if you don't pick up after your dog.  

In short, the story works and has some funny moments. How did it do at MP and which comp was it?

Pia  

Thanks pia,

When I first joined the site i remember seeing someone called me, then it was meow, then pia. So I'm glad I know who has read this!

Thanks for the read.

You know what, I still haven't cracked this how to tell two different stories at the same time, and then reveal one was earlier than the other. Humm, one to ponder. In may ways that's the simple aim of this, the little twist a the end so to speak.

I agree there are many ways to put over this simple idea, but mine was to interlace a revenge plot into what appeared to be bad luck for an a***.  The hope was to add depth to a simple farce type tale. But I will say it is a great example of learning by taking part. It's only five pages but I have got a lot out of plotting this and re plotting etc

In terms of competition, it was entered into a Circalit comp, five pages based on previous work of the producers. Their previous film was based on a down to earth story involving a deluded man. This was my effort.

. The short list is announced next week. With 110-120 scripts I'm not holding my breath, just gaining what I can.

I have another in with Circalit at the moment which against the odds is in third position out of 100 plus. Mind you take the voting with a pinch of salt, I do.

All the best.

Hey, Bill
I reviewed this short on Circalit, but will gladly re-review it here.

I don't particularly find poop jokes hilarious, but I enjoyed your sense of humor.
Although, the poop jokes work in this case because of that super douchebag Mark.
I couldn't think of a more suitable comeuppance.
A few new suggestions for ya...
In the park by the cafe. Maybe have Mark wrestle away a pail and shovel from a small kid to scoop up Thief's poop. (real douchebag behavior)
Also, maybe have the ladies at the playground turn in disgust when they catch a wiff of Mark's soiled trousers. Then have Mark give them the old "It wasn't me. It was the dog."

Overall, I thought your script was very funny.
If you can get a dog to "act" what you have written, it would make a hilarious short.
I would expect there's no shortage of douchebags to play Mark.

hey bill -- nice read -- your style's very engaging and frew me in for the ride. so, i was able to read your descriptions as well. they're a bit overwritten, not ever detail needs to written, it's implict that someone turns to talk the character next to him, for example: pg 2. a car hoots as mark speeds by -- that's a director's detail, i think. why was he in such a hurry? pg 3. disconnects the call and smilesas the car passes the park entrance. is the entrance that exciting to him? why would it be? maybe someone mentioned in their feed to you that the ending rounded off the stroy and justified the premise. i'm not as convinced with that as they were. i say that bc in the beginning you actually do show stacey as being sick in bed -- then you refer to her illness as the reason for having the lead -- mark, walk her dog. i think it would have been more interesting to show stacey feeling fine and enjoying herself with friends or at a spa or something to pamper herself after being cheated on. as it stands, she appears flatly vengeful. you wrote a good line on pg 5 -- STOP THIEF! i liked it a lot. but so much of the rest of your dialogue seemed too stilted. i know british english has a different texture than american english, so maybe i'm way off on that one. cool story that seems like something that happened to a friend -- nothing wrong with it -- just not a grabber -- yet. you should try expanding on this one to see where it takes you. there's rob schneider potential written all over this small gem. keep writing and stay positive, bill.

This was a very light piece so there isn't really much that could be said about it.  It was meant to be fun and it was, I was amused.  

I thought you could possibly ramp it up even more and make it funnier.  There's more dogs can do than take a shit.   And there's more trouble the dog walker could get into.  

Overall, this felt kind of like part of a romantic comedy, I'm not that familiar with the films of the genre so I don't know if this has been done.  You may want to expand it. there's plenty of room for story here.

Michael,

Thanks for the read, appreciated.

Yeah, this is a simple tale but with only five pages (competition limits - not a MP comp) it was about the max i could include.

You will have a lot of experience with MP, but as this was only my 3rd or 4th script it was still a learning process. I find it amazing how much you can learn from such short script and i don't just mean the errors, but pacing, order, balance of scenes and above all what to include and what not to.

I have had many good suggestions but IMO if i included some the whole tone and underlying twist is then thrown out of the water. Of course that can happen, but it changes what i was after.

Apart from maintaining consistency the repetitive poo jokes are there for a reason, namely it works with the revenge play. It can only be revenge, in my mind, if she [1] knows about this before he is set off and [2] the dog has proper gut problems. One poo is not a problem, three is. You see there's a line i never thought i would write.

all the best


PS where do you get those avatar pictures?? you and Bert don't half come up with some weird ones. Indeed, Berts current one, apart from having subtle subtext, i think, does my head in.

This is some top notch stuff. You handle a simple setup and payoff with skill and precision. Great timing and great writing. Very interested to see something longer from you.

The banter between Mark and his mate was absolutely spot on. Those conversations are two a penny and it was very on the money. The guy treats women as targets and for once he seems to get his comeuppance. That's a universal delight for an audience.

I'm sure actors would really enjoy playing Mark 'cos you've written him with a distinct voice when it would've been so easy to create a cookie cutter.

Great job.

Hey, Bill.

Took a read of your script and at first, didn't care for it much.  After a second read, I picked up on the nuances and enjoyed it much more.

I think this would work best on film, because so much of the funny stuff is visual.  I'd probably be howling if I could see Mark's face as things are happening.  Hopefully, whoever films this should can find a comedic actor with contortionist facial expressions.

Some of the British slang slowed me down. The lead, the boot...  I had to think about them for a bit.  I guess that's why the second read was so much better.

The time shift element threw me, until I could see where you were going.

Here are some gripes, thoughts and suggestions.

Make Mark a neat freak.  Over the top.

I notice we hear Kevin's phone conversation, but not Deb's.  Kevin has nothing important to say. Might as well dump that. We can hear Deb or not.  Your call.

Why does Mark pull off the road at the Goose Pub?  Not clear if the stop is for his benefit or Thief's.

I think Mark is a cat person.  The MEOW phone ring tone clued me in.  Maybe use that to your advantage.  If Mark treats Thief like a cat, he might just put a teeny-tiny Litter Box in the backseat of his car for Thief.  And spread a bunch of newspapers all around the seat.

Instead of a Range Rover, what if Mark drives a convertible?  
then at the end, Thief might fart and Mark drops the top for fresh air, causing all the newspapers to blow away.
Thief then drops a messy load.

Set up the scenes with a bit more visuals.  The Goose pub, the Country Park, I didn't get a strong image.

Does Deb know Mark?  Does she know what he looks like?  If so, why does it take so long for her to send the image of Mark being naughty?
If she Doesn't know Mark, why would she send over a picture at all?

To make Stacey's part work better, set up the payback from the start.  Not in an obvious way.
When Deb calls, let her be excited.  Maybe Stacey and Deb have a mutual friend, a real slut.  A slut who frequents the same clubs Stacey and Deb hang out.
And the photo sent at the end is this slut girlfriend — caught on camera with some wanker guy — who just happens to be Mark.

Anyway, nice job.  Once I skirted past the piles of confusion, the story worked much better.  Cheers!

Abe

Quoted from DaveTroop Hey, Bill I reviewed this short on Circalit, but will gladly re-review it here. I don't particularly find poop jokes hilarious, but I enjoyed your sense of humor. Although, the poop jokes work in this case because of that super douchebag Mark. Overall, I thought your script was very funny. If you can get a dog to "act" what you have written, it would make a hilarious short. I would expect there's no shortage of douchebags to play Mark.

David

Sorry i missed your feedback. My apologies for not responding.

Thanks for the second read, i think thats enough for you now. You may have noticed a small change to the start. This was to balance the use of stacey but otherwise it reads the same.

They say don't work with animals so that is probably a weakness in this idea , but having said that the actions are  limited.

all the best

Quoted from Andrew This is some top notch stuff. You handle a simple setup and payoff with skill and precision. Great timing and great writing. Very interested to see something longer from you. The banter between Mark and his mate was absolutely spot on. Those conversations are two a penny and it was very on the money. The guy treats women as targets and for once he seems to get his comeuppance. That's a universal delight for an audience. I'm sure actors would really enjoy playing Mark 'cos you've written him with a distinct voice when it would've been so easy to create a cookie cutter. Great job.

Andrew, those are kind words.

I can't fault your description and this is what i aimed fort. Not exactly the Godfather, just a simple tale, well paced, a few laughs and a feel good twist. All within five pages.

Thanks for the read.

Abe,

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from Abe from LA I notice we hear Kevin's phone conversation, but not Deb's.  Kevin has nothing important to say.

Interesting. I actually think the call with Kevin is important. It allows us to [1] knows he's a ladies man, nicknamed sniper [2] been out the previous night and misbehaved [3] explains that having a dog is a major change to normal [4] that he is going to forget his obligation and go to the pub instead. It is important we set up Mark, not so Stacey, she has a limited role.

Quoted from Abe from LA Why does Mark pull off the road at the Goose Pub?  Not clear if the stop is for his benefit or Thief's.

He agrees on the phone to watch the football at the pub instead of walking the dog. Its also why the dog starts barking as they pass the park.

Quoted from Abe from LA I think Mark is a cat person.  The MEOW phone ring tone clued me in.

Interesting you saw it that way. My intention was for this to have a sexual connotation reinforcing with disturbed opinion of himself as a playboy.

Quoted from Abe from LA Instead of a Range Rover, what if Mark drives a convertible?   then at the end, Thief might fart and Mark drops the top for fresh air, causing all the newspapers to blow away. Thief then drops a messy load.

Yeah, there were few ways to play this. In essence it was the final soiling by the girls dog into his "love wagon" a symbolic put down.

Quoted from Abe from LA Set up the scenes with a bit more visuals.  The Goose pub, the Country Park, I didn't get a strong image. Anyway, nice job.  Once I skirted past the piles of confusion, the story worked much better.  Cheers! Abe

It is fair to say i keep the description down to a minimum especially when confronted with a five page limit, but i take on board your point.

This was written as a very Britishness script as it was for a British producer who had produced similar style shorts. As such, i think readers not from the UK have had more trouble getting into the meaning, slang and visuals, which is totally understandable.

Thank you for your time, effort, thoughts and feedback.

Maybe you can have Stacy tell her friend that she is the third one to send her that picture. This will have Stacy know about Mark's character in advance, but still have her conversation on the phone happening along with the dog's misadventures.

Quoted from TheRichcraft Maybe you can have Stacy tell her friend that she is the third one to send her that picture. This will have Stacy know about Mark's character in advance, but still have her conversation on the phone happening along with the dog's misadventures.

Thanks for the suggestion.

The issue here appears the confusion about when staceys telephone conversation is happening. I hope that the way it is currently presented is clear that it starts before he arrives but we then see snippets whilst he is out and about.

I feel a producer could handle this and wouldn't loose the viewer as each time they cut to stacey it is exactly the same and she is on the phone to the same person.

I just like the idea of her deciding to change her approach before he arrives and enjoying the moment as the last scene. However, there are many ways this could be done and i like your thinking.

cheers

bill

Hey Reef Dreamer,

Just read the script. It have made me smile several times. Really funny story.

I just didn't catch why Mark left the Goose pub. He'd startled the elderly couple, and so what? They were outside the pub, his friend - inside. Mark could just join his friend.
Maybe, he was afraid that they would call police because of animal abuse? For me it wasn't clear.

Though, IMO, it's a good story, easy to film. I wish you a lot of producers asking you to give a permission to film it.

Hey Bo,

Thanks for the read. It surprised me to see an old one (feels like an old one) on the thread. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

SPOILERS

Quoted from Bo I just didn't catch why Mark left the Goose pub. He'd startled the elderly couple, and so what? They were outside the pub, his friend - inside. Mark could just join his friend.

I had to try and remember the answer, which is...the dog wouldn't stop barking because it had missed its walk. This forces Mark to change his plan and take it for the walk he was meant to do in the first place.

Quoted from Bo Though, IMO, it's a good story, easy to film. I wish you a lot of producers asking you to give a permission to film it.

I have had a request to film this but i'm not sure that will occur. Time will tell. I would love to see how this played out on the screen.

Thanks for the read.

Hey Bill

I loved this.  The set-up was excellent and the pay-off even better.

Visually this was great, I had no trouble picturing Mark covered in dog shite lol.  I love to read a script with a great British accent and this was that.

Not really anything else to say, you've had some good long reviews so I'll just say it was very good.  It would be great to see this is on film; the flirting, the shitting and the retching!

Quoted from alffy Hey Bill I loved this.  The set-up was excellent and the pay-off even better. Visually this was great, I had no trouble picturing Mark covered in dog shite lol.  I love to read a script with a great British accent and this was that. Not really anything else to say, you've had some good long reviews so I'll just say it was very good.  It would be great to see this is on film; the flirting, the shitting and the retching!

Hey Alffy,

Thanks for the read. You took me my surprise with that. I looked at the portal and thought that sounds like one of my scripts

Glad you enjoyed it. This was one of my first scripts and a good experience in plotting a story in a few pages.

Cheers

bill

Nicely done.
Format was ok I didn't see much of a problem there.

Everyone seem to have pointed out some typo's which I didn't notice in my reading of it, and unless the entire thing is riddled with them most people that would be looking to film it won't either only you writer people are catchy about that which is a good thing keep the typo's down but don't kill your self if you make 1 or 2. Like in acting when you go in for an audition and you make a mishap don't call attention to it and keep moving because most of the time the auditioners won't notice it and if they do they will be pleased that you were able to recover and keep moving on from it.

You have a location Country Park though its not really a specific location when doing short film's a general rule of thumb is that it is best to hang on the general side try to stay away from really specific locations unless you actually plan to shoot the movie your self, so instead of country park just say park. There are varying rules to that to, to where you can have specific places in mind and in script.
Alot of shorts never get a chance to be produced because they are to location specific and when the writer is asked if they can be changed they tend to stick abit to much to thier locations as thats the way it has to be done. Not saying its somthing you specifically do.
Which I believe the Alex fellow here asked something along the lines also, I would not be to picky if your short wants to be produced and someone wants to change a location to get it to work especially if they still want to keep it similar but are just trying to work with what they have. When it comes to shorts there is almost absolutely no money to be made, Credit is the King of Shorts get your name out there have something you've written produced.

Another thing its a Short, what could be about a 5 minute short if it where a feature comedy you keep it funny do your story. Shorts are punchline, punchline, punchline, never let the audience breath you want them rolling on the floor gasping for air. that changes when you start doing longer and longer shorts theres a difference between the flow of story fo a 5 minsutes vs one for 20 minutes or more. I feel there is breathing room at parts and to much explaining at the start with nothing funny till the park just about.
Theres reference in there where could be a cat person as mentioned from his ring tone do what was mentioned add on to that have a litter box in the back, starts people off to a small chuckle  he doesnt know how to deal with dogs and just raise it from there as you go do things that people mention eating people's food, chasing stray animals dragging him around keep and it coming. Hes a dog he wants to run around but wait he has a bad stomachso, I would die if I saw him chasing a squirrel and then just stop dead and then just poo on the ground giving mark just enough time to stand up and once he does Theif bolts off again causing him to go face first into the freshly made turd and dragging him off again.

And I think it flows quicker in opinion, if at the beginning during the phone call between debbie and stacey move that to the end and just have stacey fake being sick.

So after all of marks scene's Cut to:

INT. STACEY'S BEDROOM - DAY

STACEY
Hello Debs... No I'm fine, I'm
faking being sick.... So Mark can
walk my dog... Because the poor
fella’s had awful guts this week.

Stacey looks at a PICTURE on her mobile phone of Mark kissing a
girl in a nightclub. His hand in the girl’s pants. A devious smile cracks
across her face.

From there cut back to marks last car scene and fade out of him going NOOOOOOO.

So then its just boom, boom, punchline after punchline quick one after another.

IMO even more funnier if the Title was A Man's Best Friend.

And be wary of using things like the references of the boot even though it's an english term if your have the script for a more open market unless all the humor is to come from the english references keep it general you will have a larger chance to have it produced. But this only regards short film's, feature film's there is usually a reason that there is reference's like that and is then ok.

Hope it helps even then its all a good read.

Hey Earl,

Thanks for the read, glad you enjoyed this.

I've been meaning to re look at this one as it was one of my first and written to a tight page limit which can affect the writing. No doubt i would make a few changes now - but thats evolution!

My latest, Inner Journey, is much more designed for filming, although it is a bit longer!

Quoted from Earl You have a location Country Park though its not really a specific location when doing short film's a general rule of thumb is that it is best to hang on the general side try to stay away from really specific locations unless you actually plan to shoot the movie your self, so instead of country park just say park.

Funny you should mention that as  i thought this was quiet generic, although i see "park" could be be more open. I suppose what i think of these days is using appropriate locations but nothing that couldn't be changed. I hoped this applied here although i"ve always thought this was less likely to be produced due to its moving locations and use of a dog.

Quoted from Earl Another thing its a Short, what could be about a 5 minute short if it where a feature comedy you keep it funny do your story. Shorts are punchline, punchline, punchline, never let the audience breath...

Interesting. Some scripts i see are really the build up to a single twist, especially if only five pages, others are more full on. What i try to avoid is effectively a sketch (although i do have one written in this style - not posted) of two/three people delivering jokes/lines. Of course they can be funny but not very visual and different to what is hoped for. Often little in the way of story.

Quoted from Earl Theres reference in there where could be a cat person as mentioned from his ring tone do what was mentioned add on to that have a litter box in the back, starts people off to a small chuckle  he doesnt know how to deal with dogs

There are many things i could have tried, but as you say...its five pages. The aim here was to;

1] set up the character - playboy
2] set up the dilemma - dog, and not his
3] instigate the clash of worlds - the park
4] reveal the pay off - it was planned

The core element is that this story is premeditated revenge. Any changes to this changes the pay off. I could bring in cats etc but the core clash here is playboy versus illusion (dog walking) if i change the core tension/conflcit i have to change the character from a playboy to a cat lover - or have more pages. the "meowing cat" was more of a playboy reference than a cat lover

I much appreciate the read and hope to see work of your posted.

All the best

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Funny you should mention that as I thought this was quiet generic, although I see "park" could be be more open. Interesting. Some scripts I see are really the build up to a single twist. The core element is that this story is premeditated revenge.... .... "meowing cat" was more of a playboy reference than a cat lover

1. When a producer looks at a script he has to pick it apart to find out what it costs to make within it's budget.
So a producer will find things that most people think are general and veiw them differently.
Currently I am not a big Filmmaker so I need to do most of the work myself so I have to produce what I work on so I look at it like whats it going to cost to get whats in the script.
So when I look at it counrty park makes me think almost something like a very large park or even a national park.
Having specific locations is ok if the script really relys on it to sell the story, if not then it is a safer to keep it general, because then it makes it far easier to make and far cheaper.
On the same note in your script when Mark is in the park you have a Gravel Path mentioned, now something like this most likely your going to see that ignored when it is filmed, and the people making the film are going to use what ever the path is in the park weather it be a concrete side walk or a dirt path.
This is one of countless things that happen to scripts that do get filmed there will be some usually always small things that will be ignored some times even changed to make it work but usually so small that one wont notice like changing the path.

2. The build up to a twist yes there are alot out there that do that and alot of them do work, and at 5 pages its not a bad thing but you really have to make that big laugh that you built up to really funny.
I think its more of an opinion I guess, I've seen alot of bigs laughs in shorts work better than building to a twist unless that twist really makes you bust a gut.
Its easier to throw in alot of laughable jokes and things vs trying to get 1 giant gut buster.
But it can be done either way I just took it form the other side so just an opinion on the matter.

3. Yea I got the reference a bit when I first read it, then I read it again after I saw what the other fellow said about the ringtone and it made me think more of hes a cat person which was something that could easily be capitalized on because anything in comedy that could be capitalized on and made bigger and funnier, make it bigger and funnier.

Hey Bill- Great job with this one. Funny how Mark thinks he's the man when really Stacy has the upper hand and has her revenge on him in the form of her best friend Thief. Poo=funny!

Quoted from DV44 Hey Bill- Great job with this one. Funny how Mark thinks he's the man when really Stacy has the upper hand and has her revenge on him in the form of her best friend Thief. Poo=funny!

Sorry, DV44, I missed your post.

First off, apologies I don't know/remember your name, unless you are actually called DV44. Whilst that could be weird it's also kind of cool, but I digress.

Thanks for the read, it's much appreciated.

This was one of my first and a useful exercise in marshalling a scene(s) working out the best order, finding a payoff to finish it off etc. there have been lots of different ideas suggested, and many would work, but it is what it is and whilst unlikely to be filmed because of the  dog/various scenes etc (having said that a crew are supposedly filming it - time will tell) it was fun to put together.

If you need something read let me know.

Cheers

Bill

Cute piece.  Mark is hilarious, classic jerk-off who thinks he gets all the ladies but in reality sounds like a total moron when he opens his mouth.  I liked it, but I’m disappointed too.  Thief could have crapped on Mark’s day a whole lot more.  I think girls will get a kick out of this one.  Cheating bf gets his in a different, unique way.  Just kick it up a notch on Thief - maybe add other gags beside the poop jokes.

Hey Reaper,

My third thanks for you reading my scripts - appreciated and rememebered.

This was only my third script, so early days for me. It has a soft spot for me as it was written for a competition with a 5/6 page limit whatever it was, so had to be condense. Fitting everything this proved to be a real education and improved my writing.

Glad you enjoyed.

Ah, the things we do to get some  ---

Been there, done that, very real. Funny stuff.

Thanks Bogey

Glad you enjoyed and thanks for the read.

Funny story.  Great gross-out humor.  His reaction to the warmth was hilarious.  Making it a one-two punch with the tripping was perfect.  Good thing he was wearing leather pants..er..trousers.

I got a little confused in two places:

The first was when he arrives at the pub to have a beer with his friend, shocks the couple (not clear on the lingo - suggestive of bestiality?), and decides to go to the park after all.  Why exactly?

The second was the ending.  I didn't realize that the girlfriend was in flashback until I re-read the last two scenes a couple times.  That undercut the climax for me.  If you could include (Flashback) or Previous Day in the slug line, that would clear that up so people can be free to enjoy the full gross-out effect.

Hey Jon

Thanks for digging this up. This is an oldie, one of my first scripts. I had to re read it to remind myself.

Answering you questions;

1] he doesn't go in the pub because the dog won't stop barking

2] Yes, the girlfriend was having her telephone conversation prior to Mark picking up the dog. She does say he's coming over that morning, which suggests its before he's arrived. We then find out from mark he's picked up the dog because she's not well, which suggests its already happened.

The key payoff is that she sends him out with Thief as revenge, rather than as favour. This we can only find out at the end but had to be a decision before he arrived that morning. Hope that makes sense.

Many thanks for the read, appreciated.

Ah, I see.  Yeah, I got that it was a revenge piece.  What I missed was that his scenes were a flash forward and that we were returning to "the present" with her.  There may have been an indication of that earlier that I didn't catch.  I like the way you played with time.  I just got a little lost in time.

I enjoyed this very much,

I like how your writing flows too, this is something I need to get better at, to me my own writing seems stale and not very engaging, but yours is excellent, even though it's only 5 pages, the pages went by smoothly.

...and like all others have said, the comedy was great.

Hey Lightfoot,

Many thanks for the read.

I hadn't paid attention to this one for years, but after a quick read I'm glad to see it still holds up.

I think visual humor is really tricky to get across on the page. What is a funny walk etc? So I'm glad you liked it.

Thanks again.