Hey Bill

You have a nice sentimental touch. We don't see that enough in writers, in my opinion.

And I understand the lesson here about letting people know we appreciate them instead of taking them for granted. I think it's a nice premise, and worth pursuing.

I have a hard time understanding that on a crowded street it takes the same guy to always let the guy in...for 40 years! Traffic hasn't changed? They still leave the house to go to work at the same time? Even Ron? I want to buy into it, I can't. Sorry about that.

And then to add to the improbability, the funeral car even goes by at the same time, and has something I've never seen before, a sign like that.

I don't want to be guilty of not trying to play along with a story, suspending disbelief for the sake of the tale. This was just too much for me.

However, I really like the concept, and perhaps you could come up with some other scenario than the traffic merge one. Maybe he's a toll collector who has a smile every day, and then the one day the guy shows up with a gift, it's too late. Maybe the guy runs a newspaper stand. I don't know. There has to be something. Combine that with your firm touch on things, and you could really have something.

Bill,

At first glance I thought I would have a problem with the lack of dialogue, but after reading it the action didn't seem forced or natural so it became a non-issue. Props for that and for attempting something unconventional.

That being said the script as a whole bored me. Not to sound harsh I just wasn't able to connect with it though that may have to do with personal preferences.

While the story may be a metaphor, the story has to be able to stand alone as a plot in and of itself in order for the audience to reach the metaphor. From a textbook perspective, the idea and concept are intriguing. However the actual script fell flat due to the triviality of much of the subject matter.

To reiterate above comments, the slugs could use work. On page one we move from

EXT. SEMI DETACHED HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - DAY

to

EXT. SEMI DETACHED HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - DAY

If we're in the same place why bother with a new slug line? I also think it might be a good idea to write "INT. DAVE'S CAR - DAY" as a slug, then describe the recurrent introductions of Ron from Dave's POV. That might allow the audience to attain empathy with him and his conclusive change of heart at the end.

Also, for some reason it seemed like there was an extraneous use of commas. "Dave dangles a set of house keys, Amanda grins, excited" could be changed to "Dave dangles a set of house keys. Amanda grins, excited" (p1) or "Dave turns round and shouts at them, Amanda tries to calm matters but she�s ignored" to "Dave turns round and shouts at them, Amanda tries to calm matters but she�s ignored" (p2).

More English instructor channeling here: "Dave frowns at her, shakes his head...then relaxes as Amanda reaches him." The ellipses can be eliminated.

On page 2 where Dave accelerates then breaks hard, if traffic is so congested why are his moves so strong?

Like I as well as others have said the events seemed so avoidable. The fact that Dave and Ron arrived at the same junction at the same time each day made it hard for me to suspend disbelief. It was so futile that I thought there must be some insane cat under the rug under the cat under the rug plot twist on the way.

Hopefully my review didn't sound too reproachful. I love metaphor thus respect the conceit, but the hasty formatting and trivial story turned me off.

Thanks for the reads, i thought this one had slipped away.

Quoted from leitskev Hey Bill You have a nice sentimental touch. We don't see that enough in writers, in my opinion. I don't want to be guilty of not trying to play along with a story, suspending disbelief for the sake of the tale. This was just too much for me.

Thanks for the read Kevin. I'm glad you liked the sentimental element. I think you will find this run through out a lot of my writing.

In terms of the story, yeah, this worked for some, not for others. In my mind, on the screen, it would be less of an issue as effectively two neighbours bump into each other at a junction during the course of dave's mid life, but its not for everyone. As you can probably tell it was a little bit of an experiment and it served its purpose.

Quoted from tendai_moyo Bill, At first glance I thought I would have a problem with the lack of dialogue, but after reading it the action didn't seem forced or natural so it became a non-issue. Props for that and for attempting something unconventional.

First off, thanks for the read and review. You are right this was an experiment, a story without dialogue. As many will admit, they use dialogue to explain story, exposition, too much. This was a little challenge to myself to do the opposite, having had the idea, not surprisingly, at a junction!

Quoted from tendai_moyo That being said the script as a whole bored me. Not to sound harsh I just wasn't able to connect with it though that may have to do with personal preferences.

Thats ok, thats what you thought. In defence of the script it is a subtle life journey, about opportunities slipping away and small, seemingly irrelevant acts, helping one to change direction.

Quoted from tendai_moyo While the story may be a metaphor, the story has to be able to stand alone as a plot in and of itself in order for the audience to reach the metaphor. From a textbook perspective, the idea and concept are intriguing. However the actual script fell flat due to the triviality of much of the subject matter.

Interesting comment. Due to its length this doesn't have a major plot per se, its more a tale of observation, but having said that, there is a story of a man during his mid life years and how he interacts with those around him and his failure to do so leads to anger and distance.

I accept a lot appears trivial but, hopefully, all the elements add up to expose character, emotion and consideration - without words.

Quoted from tendai_moyo More English instructor channeling here: "Dave frowns at her, shakes his head...then relaxes as Amanda reaches him." The ellipses can be eliminated. On page 2 where Dave accelerates then breaks hard, if traffic is so congested why are his moves so strong?

Last two issues i'll come back on.

Yeah, the ellipses - totally agree they could be removed, but, they are there for a purpose IMO. I use them to show delay. They illustrate it takes time for him to relax, thereby exposing underlying character. The type of person who finds it hard to chill out and may become uptight about life and its struggles.

Acceleration! Again, what type of character pulls out of a junction into busy traffic and accelerates hard up to the next car? Normal person? a relaxed person? or maybe an uptight, anxious, trying to prove himself person. Anyway, those were the aims of those actions, to see inside the character.

all the best

Quoted from bert every time this title pops up on the portal, the internal song-generator in my head immediately begins playing the infernal theme from Petticoat Junction

Lol.  'Conjunction Junction' popped into mine when I first saw the title.

Hey Bill.

I think all in all, this was a pretty good effort, though it did have it's moments where I had to slow down my read and go back and read some things over.

Like when the wife had to go back and lock the door, I read that as she went back INTO the house and locked and closed the door.  I thought she was just playing with him or something.

Then later on, I think when Dave was 60 and his wife wasn't with him, that she had died somehow.  When she comes back into the story, I thought it was some kind of flashback, even though I know the SUPERS said next day and months later.

I also thought it read a little weird how annoyed he got at the junction.  I understand what you were doing and what you were going for in the story, but him getting so angry so easy just stuck out for me.

That might of had something to do with all the time jumps, too.  It seemed to go by so quick that I didn't have time to concentrate on the character or get to know him so good.

All that said, though, I did enjoy the read and liked how you wrote something thought-provoking.  There's definately skill in your writing and I like the subject you chose to write about.  It just seemed a little too jumpy and fast to get the full effect of the sentiment you were going for.

Another logline for a story of yours caught my eye, 'Falling Angels', so I'll be reading that and 'Pagan Man' later on tonight.

Hey Mark,

Thanks for the read.

This one was a bit hit and miss, worked for some not for others.  It was an experiment i set myself, to do a script without dialogue, force the story through images. On reflection, the sweep of this is quite large for just under four pages. The time changes make it a bit clunky.

But if you're able to stand back from that hopefully there's a tale beneath that sends a simple message about loss, chances, choices and what triggers someone to change.

I wasn't going to post this at first, but then i thought "sod it" the only way to learn is have these things ripped apart. It served its purpose well. I feel as if i have learnt a lot from this little story.

All the best.

Impressive for a no dialogue script.  

Everyone already covered my concerns so I won't bore you with them.

This makes me want to try a no dialogue script.

Well done.

Quoted from Nomad Impressive for a no dialogue script.   Everyone already covered my concerns so I won't bore you with them. This makes me want to try a no dialogue script. Well done.

Hey Thanks Nomad.

I didn't spot this at first, then i thought, that sounds juts like my script - doh!!

Writing without dialogue was a useful exercise, i may try others in due course, but keep it simpler. The story as a whole worked for some, not for others, but it served a purpose.

On reflection the sweep of 30-40 years was a bit too much for this to pull off, but worth the try.

All the best.

Quoted from Nomad This makes me want to try a no dialogue script.

Me too.  

Nice work, Reef.

A+ for originality.

Quoted from Calico_Bear Me too.   Nice work, Reef. A+ for originality.

Hey Calico,

Thanks for the read and welcome to SS.

A script without dialogue has its challenges but is worth a try, even if you decide to keep it to yourself. I was not going to post ATJ but then I thought, "who cares" might as well learn form others feedback and at 4 pages its not much of a demand.

Please let me know if i can return the read.

all the best

Hi Bill,

I enjoy the no dialogue scripts. I did one myself and it was a lot of fun.

I thought this was a nice little tale about how those we love are often put into the background as we muddle through the humdrum krud of our everyday lives.  

While I liked this, I think it needs a little tweaking to make it work.

I did like the part where the wife had to go back and close the door. I think if you added more scenes like that as they get older, you would enhance the script and make the ending a lot sweeter. Maybe her bring him his food or drink while he has his eye on the T.V., then her sitting down at a candle lit table, blowing the candle out, and eating alone... Stuff like that. A few more things like that that get worse over time.

I think your ending works (Loved it. It was sooo sweet) but I think you just need a little more in the middle.

Cindy

Another read! Thanks Cindy.

I really thought this had run its course, but naturally delighted to have more comments.

Quoted from CindyLKeller I did like the part where the wife had to go back and close the door. I think if you added more scenes like that as they get older, you would enhance the script and make the ending a lot sweeter. Maybe her bring him his food or drink while he has his eye on the T.V., then her sitting down at a candle lit table, blowing the candle out, and eating alone... Stuff like that. A few more things like that that get worse over time. I think your ending works (Loved it. It was sooo sweet) but I think you just need a little more in the middle. Cindy

Good point.

The script, at present, is very much at the start and end with a quick blast through the middle. I suppose i tried to keep the action, the passing of time, contained at the junction to reinforce the matter of choice and a metaphor for how we choose the direction in life we take, even though it may bring unhappiness or dissatisfaction.

However, i could equally see this played out with a lengthier middle section showing more domestic scenes.

All the best.

Thought he was going to Ron's funeral for a second there.

Anyway i enjoyed it. Really liked the montaged of him aging by the junction, kinda like the way the stress of traffic/routine drains out one's life in a way...

Quoted from vinny Thought he was going to Ron's funeral for a second there. Anyway i enjoyed it. Really liked the montaged of him aging by the junction, kinda like the way the stress of traffic/routine drains out one's life in a way...

Hey Vinny, thanks for the read. I don't think you are alone with your first thought, funny how we all read things differently.

I'm glad you felt the shots at the junction, a quick blast of life passing by, the meaning in front of you, the actions inappropriate or not ideal.

All the best.