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Thanks for the read blossomnina and i see its your first post too. I've just submitted a second draft which hasn't been posted yet but i hope it will add a bit more tension and i also think i've ironed out some of the errors too. If there's anything you want me to read of yours just let me know.
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Anthony, listen, man...I want to commend you, because your first page reads light years better than it did last time I read this. Seriously...like midnight and noon!!
Wow, what an improvement. If I were you, I'd look at the changes you made and read your old first page and this new one and take it all to heart what the differences are...and read them both again and again, so you "see" exactly what you did differently and "see" why it makes such a huge difference.
This is the way to go and IMO, you are on a whole new path now.
Steve, thanks for the read. You're right about the comma's and glad you got the two finger revolver now, even though you think I should cut it. lol I did cut the vampire references although I do regard this as a modern twist on a vampire tale.
Jeff, cheers for the help in getting this tighter and you were right, it does flow much better now.
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Enjoyed the read and you've done well in polishing this.
SPOILERS
I still maintain this has a real tone to it, a gritty urban drama with a sense of foreboding that comes with an addition thats is out of control. The nice twist here is the unusual addiction and the highly impersonal way this is fed, plus the consequences on the family unit when it arrives at home.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Overall I thought this was a decent script. I understand that you revised it, and I don't know if that included shortening, but until the end it sort of dragged on for me. You were clearly depicting the travesties of addiction from his lost job to his late night dejection, but certain parts felt too long. For example, it seems like the intent of the intro featuring Clare, Tina, and Lisa was to emphasize the creep factor alongside his thirst for the blood of a nubile female, but it might have been better if Vincent tangentially eyed her lustfully in the window as opposed to the exchange of dialogue among him and the three throwaway characters.
Vincent could have been more developed as well. He felt sort of stagnant, like his only purpose was to serve the plot and the message without really being a character on his own. Also, were you going for vampire? I got vampire.
I had a final complaint about Vincent's turn on Katy being OOC. However having said what I just did about his lack of discernible attributes aside for "addict", I've never met his character. My initial sentiment was that it would've made more sense for him to demand Katy leave before things got out of hand or for him to dash outside in search of a replacement victim, but I don't know the degree to which he truly loves his family nor how much a problem he acknowledges he has. Plus, you were trying to showcase how addiction makes people lose themselves, so to a certain extent I see what you did there.
Again, the last scene was my favorite because that's where conflict was introduced. Everything else wasn't bad, but I didn't faint from euphoria.
Signatures can be annoying, especially when they're pointless.
-- You wrote this: "The man laughs as he walks away."
As is a throw away word. Don't use As if you can help it.
The man laughs, walks away.
-- You wrote this: "Vincent straightens his frame and inhales a deep breath."
And can be eliminated here and frame can be swaped with a more powerful word.
Vincent straightens his posture, takes a deep breath.
-- You wrote this: "A siren peeps in the distance." (OS) a siren PEEPS.
-- You wrote this: "His knees buckle and he slides down into a seated position. He looks at the bar across the street." His knees buckle, he slides to a seated position on the floor - he cases the bar across the street.
---
I'm, again, pressed for time... I will read the whole script and "try" to get back with you -- but I'm pretty backed up. I hope I've helped you a bit. Best of luck to you.
I've revised this script once and still having a bit of trouble getting the story in and keeping the pages down. I cut a few scenes from the first draft but bumped the final scene but I guess it's a little too long now.
Vampire was the idea but a different modern vampire, so I'm glad you got that.
Cheers.
Baltis, thanks for checking this out...even the first page lol.
I had a lot wrong in the first draft and with help from others I re-wrote most of it but it appears it's still not perfect. Whether I'll dip into this again is doubtful as the story has left some readers disappointed so maybe it's time to move on anyway.
I hope you find the time to finish this and let me know what you think of the story. Cheers.
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I finished it... To me it reminds me of "Martin", Gerorge Romero pseudo vampire flick from the 70's... It's not bad. I read it, enjoyed it. Didn't really do a lot new, but what does these days?
I think the strongest aspect was the dialogue towards the end. Very strong, fast paced stuff. The final scene was a nice visual... Overal it's a moderately strong short script. I wouldn't put it on the shelf just yet, tho. There is work to be done on it, and my technical advice given previously, if not used on this script, should be used for your future work.
Cheers for reading this Baltis and glad you enjoyed the story. I may have another go at tightening it yet too. I've never seen 'Martin' although I've wanted to see it for a while.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Cheers for reading this Baltis and glad you enjoyed the story. I may have another go at tightening it yet too. I've never seen 'Martin' although I've wanted to see it for a while.
I wouldn't stress on it, save for the stick to the throat scene, your script is much better to be honest. At least yours was entertaining.
I have not read any of the other reviews, no idea how they are running. But I have to say I really liked this a lot. That usually means the other reviews are running negative, I hope not. This really accomplished an awful lot for a short. We got a real insight into what makes your character tick. Everything on the whole was very well executed. The dialogue was natural. Da-mn, you're good!
I also thought it was an original take on the genre, though I am not that familiar with all the vampire stuff out there. It seems that Vincent has no special powers that we normally associate with a vampire...and I like that! First time I've seen it. He needs blood to live. That's it. And he's trying to hold his family life together, trying to maintain his normal human, daylight world. But it's doomed, as his destiny lies in becoming a creature of the night.
Kev, thanks for the great review. I've had some good and some not so reviews so far, so this brightened my day. You pretty much got everything I wanted from the story; Vincent struggles to cope with his thirst for blood. Did you think the final scene ran too long?
If you have anything you want me to take a butchers at just let me know. Cheers again for the review.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.