That's the way to do it, Kip.  Good on you, as so many people don't take the next step of reading and providing feedback.

As per your feedback, in all honesty, what always works is simply what you felt about the script, just like seeing a movie.  Did you like it or didn't you and why?  As you read more scripts, you'll begin to see how some flow and some don't, how some are easy, clean reads, and others aren't at all.

You'll develop your own voice from all this, and as someone else already correctly pointed out, if this is your first effort, you're well on your way.

Good luck.

First off, I don't see any similiarities with the Cube other than there is a person in a box shouting a lot: 3 Cube movies, Saw, Fermat's Room, Exam etc (almost a sub genre of its own!)
I like 'person in a box shouting a lot' movies as they usually have some cool twist ending revealing the nature of why and where.  This however lacks any kind of pay off other than hey, there are a lot of people in boxes shouting (and screwing).

I get that the reader/watcher is meant to be wondering Who are they? why are they here? and who is doing this to them? and come up with their own answers but I felt cheated when there was no answer to what the growling, food and woman actually represented.

Daz

Quoted from darrentomalin First off, I don't see any similiarities with the Cube...

Yeah, me neither.

Quoted from bert Yeah, me neither.

Really?  Hmmm...let's see...

Exact same setup - someone is in a nondescript white room/cube, and they don't know how they got there.  Various tests and challenges are put upon the person/people.  End with a pull away revealing the extent of the setup, which basically tells us is created by hands other than human.

There are various other "copies" of this idea in both film and script form, and we've even sen a number of them, right here on SS and in OWC's.

Hey Chris,

Read your script. Agree with others that capitilazing dialogue is a no-no. "I'll kick your fucking arses". - Sounds nothing but cute to me. Because I often say arse instead of swearing. Ass is what you need here. If you want to be taken seriously by yanks.

Never saw the"Cube" but I found this interestin nonetheless. It's very over written. You can grasp your reader with less words and more... (Pauses).

This doesn't feel like a complete story to me. Even a short should have a begining middle, and end. This just feels like a scene. I like it though. Didn't read any comments, yet. Will go back to see if I missed something.

James

Chris,

I like the effort here.  I have never seen Cube, but what I'm seeing here has potential
You write well, so I think there are good things ahead for you.
The story does have a drawn-out, one-dimensional feel.

Yes, dump the cursing.  Once or twice, okay, but beyond that it gets annoying.
How about this guy being a "thinking man"? Less cursing, more thought.

It didn't bother me that the character had no name, but I was bothered that he didn't/couldn't formulate a goal. A plan.
Every element you introduce to the story has the potential to spin your story.

Maybe there no ceiling.  If he hurls the apple over, somebody throws it back.
Now he has hope.  Maybe it sparks an idea.
Maybe he can use the girl to give him a boost to the top of the 12-foot wall.
Or maybe, when the food appeared in the room, there were utensils - spoon, fork, knife.  Even if there is a plate, could he break it and use it to cut grooves in the wall.

Find a way to move the story forward so that we are always wondering, "What's next?"  

Instead of the camera pulling back, maybe this guy climbs to the corner and sees four rooms just like his.

You have writing skills and again, I think based on what I have read, your screenwriting skills will come around.  
If you put your character(s) in a situation, arm him with some opportunities to sustain interest to your final page.  

Great job and look forward to reading more of your work.

Abe

Thanks for the feedback people.

I probably didn't put as much thought into it as I should've. On reading it again, it doesn't really have a beginning, middle and only a poor attempt at an ending.

Abe, thanks for the positives. I like the idea about the guy climbing the wall, but I was trying to give the impression he couldn't see a way to get out, but others could see in. Kind of like a 2 way mirror. I think Simon was right, this was probably a bit too complicated for a first. It looked better in my head than on paper.

James, should I use American versions of words for scripts? Some of the ideas I have are based around London so probably wouldn't be in the right context.

I'm off to Blockbusters to see if they've got Cube in, just out of curiousity.

Thanks again.

Kip.

Quoted from Kip James, should I use American versions of words for scripts? Some of the ideas I have are based around London so probably wouldn't be in the right context.

If your story is based in the UK, write UK dialogue. I just thought "arses" sounded funny. Noticed I wasn't the first to point that out. Maybe it is just an American thing. It just made me chuckle and i know that's not what you were going for...

James

Hi there Chris,

I am fan of the Sci fi genre but this was a hard read for me.

I think because after the first page I was pretty sure it was not going to build to anything. Would have to agree with the other guys here that the fact that it didn't go anywhere was a problem.

This is a character driven story but what is it illuminating about this particular character? I was day dreaming just now I thought it would be cool to to maybe build to the revelation that he is in there of his own free will for some reason. Also if you crafted his dialogue carefully in the begining, you could make it appear that he's traumatic state comes from being locked in this room, but reveal later it is from him convincing himself not to leave.

Just an idea for you.

Lou

I never saw (or even knew about) Cube movies.  I thought this seemed like a neat Twilight Zone type of story.  I enjoyed it.  Fix the little writing bugs (as previously discussed), and you'll be fine.  I like your ideas.

Hi folks,

Thanks for the reads and the feedback.

Things have been going a bit Pete Tong for me lately, but I'll be back as soon as I can get things ironed out, so I can return some reads.


Cheers