Will, what can I say...pretty weird imagination you got lol.

I was expecting a heart warming tale of Nathan getting his hands on the shoes but instead it took a turn towards offensive black comedy and you know what, I kinda liked it.

I think some will find it too offensive but it doesn't come across as taking itself seriously so I think you get away with it.  I mean you've got necrophilia, pedophilia and racism in one little script...you've got balls, and worst you end with a pedo Jesus! lol

You need a brave producer...

Enjoyed this though.

I'm know I'm digging up something that hasn't had replies in a while, but I saw it in a signature and decided to give it a read.... (and I did not read the other comments made, so forgive me if I re-hash other criticisms!)


Formatting nitpicks:

1. You don't need "ESTABLISHING" in a slug. Just describe the visual in an expansive way.

2. Page 3: Marty's long block of dialogue should be broken up by gestures and Nathan's reactions.

3. Page 10: Jesus' line, "Dad almighty Saint Peter. Seriously?" You need a period or comma in there somewhere for the line to read correctly.

4. Overall, re-visit the puncuation (periods and commas). They are often needed, but missing.


Story criticism:

I get the vibe you're going for here. I like Nathan. But aside from trying to buy the shoes, he doesn't do anything. Things happen. Messed up, darkly hilarious things happen. But story does not happen.

The whole short comes off as a 12-page telling of the Aristocrats joke or something. (How weird/gross/twisted can it be?) And don't get me wrong, it's mostly successful in that! it's just not successful as a story.

But if you're going for a joke/sketch with a big punchline, then fix the above nitpicks, and you're good.

IMHO

Hey,
Way to take that video and run with it to some truly dark, disturbing places. I had never seen the video for that awful song so thanks for that.
Someone else had mentioned that this reminded them of South Park and I definitely agree. Your take on the big old J.C. was far more perverted than the South Park guys, congrats on that.
The only thing I felt this was missing was a reference to the morphine/whatever the mom had in the original video. Thought you'd have the perfect opportunity to have the mom hooked up to an IV stand by the couch when Nathan walks in on her and Nick. It could make that scene even more disturbing.
Anyway, good luck with this,
Nate

Holy crap.  Nearly didn't read this one because of the logline, but I'm glad I did.  Pretty horribly offensive and, well... hilarious.

my sincerest apologies to the admins for bumping this thread. however i feel like i owe these readers a response.

and my apologies for being gone for so long. i'm writing a feature. i was aiming for 80 pages and now i'm easily going to hit 120 pages. sucks big time. then again, it's easier to delete than to add.

alffy- many thanks for the read. i highly doubt ANYONE will produce this. but i'm okay with that. it was a blast to write.

killacozzy- i also appreciate the read. going to have to disagree with the establishing bit, but everything else makes a lot of sense. not sure if you saw the other comments (actually i know you didnt because you said so), but this is a parody of the song. check it out. i think you'll have a good laugh.

nastynate- great suggestion! i will encorporate the drip if and when i rewrite the script. thanks so much for the read.

asteroidjuice - glad i could offend you...and make you laugh haha thanks for checking my s hit out.

Will

Ridiculous, Irreverent, crass, racist, mean spirited and nasty but boy it had me laughing.

I think all I’ve read from you so far have been very short skits of 2 to 3 pages so I know you have a sense of humour but was unsure of you putting together something with a coherent storyline of a reasonable length.

This starts off kind of sweet and pitiful, having not read any comments I thought it was going in that direction, a sad Christmas story with perhaps or perhaps not an uplifting ending…how wrong was I!

From the less than sympathetic (though completely understandable) responses of the Marty and the Jewish jibe I sensed my preconceptions were wrong. The sharp, toilet-humoured, comedic tone which explodes in the remaining pages is only finding a foothold here.

ROBERT (40’s) who is next in line and resembles Rob
Lowe.

-- An amusing aside, made me laugh.

There is a stark tonal change between the shoe shop sequence and the proceeding “altercation” with hobo Joe but from then on it flies headlong into what it really is. Things really go from bad to worse for poor little Nathan until he’s sent to heaven…and even there his woes continue to the final line and whose knows how long after.

Some could accuse this has written purely for shock value, each vignette more horrible then the next, the reader seemingly hell bent on creating harrowing scenarios, pushing the envelope without any focus and I would go along with to a certain degree but like I said at the beginning, I laughed despite myself.
I liked how you tied the shoes back in at the end regarding Maggie admittance to heaven and Jesus’ final words, a nasty but memorable punch line. Not only will innocent Nathan’s failure to acquire the shoes result in him spending eternity without his mother (the only other seemingly decent person in the piece) but he’s also destined to be part of our sick lord’s celestial sex games. Poor chap never got a break.

Anyway, this was sick, morally reprehensible and twisted but I enjoyed it.

Col.