Hey Bert,

Many thanks for the read.

I don't have the ability to highlight text at the moment but can comment on;

Highlighting - my policy is to highlight infrequently and only on things I want the reader to re call. The pad was highlighted as this is used later in the reveal of TG, hence I wanted this to be clear. Maybe I could forget the pen.

Crying   - funny enough this had been niggling me for a while. I agree there is a touch too much and I intend to amend.

Thanks for that

Bill

Bill

This was an interesting piece.

I couldn’t help thinking about The Skin I Live In with the transgender twist and I think you used it to good effect.

The exchanges between both characters felt natural and engaging especially as the tension gradually heightened as Terry began to realise who Frankie was and the reader realises who Terry really is.

I wondered why Frankie didn’t ask straight out if Terry knew her mother as this was her last known address, a logical question to ask I think. Of course this means the build up to the reveal wouldn’t work. I understand that Frankie is tight lipped and uninclined to talk about her mother but this is the reason she came all this way so I think she would still ask it.

Anyway, that aside, the succeed for the most part, an unexpected twist well handled which is subtly set up prior when Terry talks about how his life went through a big change and is also validated somewhat due to the fact that he had been raped which resulted in Frankie’s birth, a nice intermingling of events and information fed to the reader to help join the dots.

I think you could do without Frankie exciting the bus so hastily in the last scene. Perhaps have her checking her voicemail and leaving it at that. The reader/viewer can fill in the rest.

Or perhaps, to make it more dramatic, have Frankie harming herself in some way i.e. drug use, attempted suicide (this could be set up in earlier scenes via scars on her wrists, needle holes in her arm, whatever) before the voicemail rings through on the phone stopping her from completing the action. She hesitates to answer it before doing so. Fade out while she listens. Or to make it ambiguous, cut to black while she considers whether to answer it or not.

I’m probably pushing the drama a tad too far in those suggestions , feel free to discard at will!

Decent work, well done.

Col.

Hey Col,

Thanks for that, kind of you to read.

Not seen the skin that i live in, but apparently its sound.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I wondered why Frankie didn’t ask straight out if Terry knew her mother as this was her last known address, a logical question to ask I think. Of course this means the build up to the reveal wouldn’t work. I understand that Frankie is tight lipped and uninclined to talk about her mother but this is the reason she came all this way so I think she would still ask it.

Its a fair question. i hoped to present Frankie as a cautious, prickly character hardened by life and therefore not inclined to ask for help. She agrees to the session since she is already on a journey and also because of the spark with terry.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I think you could do without Frankie exciting the bus so hastily in the last scene. Perhaps have her checking her voicemail and leaving it at that. The reader/viewer can fill in the rest.

Ah ha. This was how the first draft went, but i then thought readers would wonder if the call ever worked. So i added the bus in, first her just listening, then i decided i needed to show the affect. If this was ever filmed it wouldn't surprise if the end was handled differently, lots of different ways.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Or perhaps, to make it more dramatic, have Frankie harming herself in some way i.e. drug use, attempted suicide (this could be set up in earlier scenes via scars on her wrists, needle holes in her arm, whatever) before the voicemail rings through on the phone stopping her from completing the action.

God that would be a happy story!! As you can see i went happy ending but what has been nice with this tale is the variety of options. It was even suggested this could be the first act of something longer, not that i have anything in my head for a longer effort.

Thanks for the suggestions, i appreciate them because it challenges the story - rather than pointing out typos - which helps me more.

Have you anything in the pipeline, must owe you a read now.

cheers

bill

Hey Bill.  You gave my script a read so I figure I would read one of yours.  I haven't read any of the posts on this thread so I might retread old ground, sorry.

First off, great job establishing that it's cold without saying an unfilmable such as "it's cold."  I could tell instantly by Terry's actions and the date.

Liking the dialogue so far, as well.

The whole thing was very touching, very sad.  I think Terry crying hysterically is a bit overkill, maybe if he just cried a tad.  Also, why does the phone go to voicemail if Frankie is listening as he talks?

I really liked this one, Bill.

Gage

Hey AJ,

Many thanks for the read.

Quoted from Gage   I think Terry crying hysterically is a bit overkill, maybe if he just cried a tad.

Yup, hands up     i went a bit too far on this part. I've been meaning to tone this down and tweak the script a bit but you beat me to it.

The Voicemail with Frankie was meant to be a two different times. By using the Vm i'm able to get terry to express himself. i initially didn't have frankie pick it up and just leave it at that, but then i thought readers would complain that they didn't have closure etc

Glad you liked ti

cheers

bill

Hey Bill.

Cool little story here. Kind of a reverse Crying Game. The dialogue between Terry and Frankie was, for the most part, quite good. You've delved into some really dark areas with this script but it came off warm and heartfelt at the end. The ending surprised me, and it really makes me want to re-read this, which is always a compliment. Would make a good little short film if cast correctly. I enjoyed it.

Steve

Quoted from SteveFauquier Hey Bill. Cool little story here. Kind of a reverse Crying Game. The dialogue between Terry and Frankie was, for the most part, quite good. You've delved into some really dark areas with this script but it came off warm and heartfelt at the end. The ending surprised me, and it really makes me want to re-read this, which is always a compliment. Would make a good little short film if cast correctly. I enjoyed it. Steve

Hey Steve,

Thanks for the read.

This was a simple attempt at a one location, two actors script which inevitably causes certain restrictions. I'm not saying it's perfect but for me it's a script i doubt I would ever revise much. It is what it is. Until...

cheers

bill

Hey Bill,

Thought I would have a read, and have not gone through the above comments so I apologise if I have repeated anything.

The screenplay is well written so I wont comment on that, apart from a lot of action lines at the beginning and the first part of 1-6 pages taking a while to get into things.

For a screenplay 11 pages  long I felt that the beginning was a bit dragged out and could do with shortening to keep the reader keen and get to the point faster.

I also predicted that Terry was Frankie's mum as soon as Frankie said my mum use to live here, It did make me feel like reading on just to see if i was right.

One thing I found annoying was that I kept confuding the names of Tracy and Frankie and not sure if you made Frankie a masculine name considering her mothers background or what. I just felt a more feminine name like "Sandra" that has no cross gender implications may have been more appopriate and made it easier to read and follow. Just IMO.

I thought the emotions at the end did work well and the ending was good.

The writing is good though IMO i would honestly cut it back a few pages and make it all happen quicker, I do realise you are trying to establish the characters in the first 5-6 pages though I found myself hanging there waiting for an outcome, though this is a short and I feel a producer would want a faster impact to get in and get out so to speak.

By the way is you're name Bill really Bill, or is it Beatrice ???  Hee Hee, Sorry just had to say it.

Regards Alex

PS The idea would also make a good series !!!!! Bring the clients on !!!! Though it would have to be a comedy !!!

Hey Bill- I really enjoyed the script. Well written, very visual. Feel sad for Frankie and root for Terry to help her. Great job- Dirk

Hi Bill

Interesting idea.   I enjoyed the morning imagery - could really see the movie in my head.

Roy

Hey folks

Thanks;

Alex - thanks for the read. Hopefully, most won't see the twist at the same point as you as on the screen you would see a mans expression change so more likely think, does he know her, or maybe what's he done with her?

Dirk (real name?) - thanks for the read. If I can retrun the favour let me know

Roy - like dirk, thanks for the read. Let me know if anything of yours is posted

Cheers

Bill

Thought I'd give you another go as a one pager isn't enough to go by.

I thoroughly enjoyed this story. At first I didn't know where it was going... well written but a little boring. Then BAM, the TG thing. Trans Gender. I never picked up on it until you wanted me to, despite the earlier clue slip on the telephone. Well done. Paced just right, nicely executed.

Couldn't find much wrong with it and neither do I want to. Glad I read it, something a little different.

Thanks Dustin for the read.

I've only just put this up. Whilst it was in the Gimme credit competition and working its way through the American Gem Literary Festival I took it down. I find out this week where it has come in the AG but as there were nearly a thousand entries i am just pleased to be in the finals, anything else is a bonus.

I know what you mean about the slow start. I tried to help this along by making the characters and the situation intriguing. What's behind them, why is she there, what's this bloke about and where is this counselling going to go etc? In particular I chose the final scene to be at night so that it contrasts with the earlier scene and adds a sense of impending darkness, a journey into somewhere hidden, a metaphor for the script itself.

All the best.

PAGE FINALIST SCRIPT

Just a shameless bump   to bring this back to producers attention.


Producers please note - Low budget, two actors, no cost for script and a whore of writer who wants this produced!!  


I have now updated the version at SS to the Page finalist entry.

cheers