Inner Journey by Bill Sarre (reef dreamer) - Short, Drama - An unconventional counsellor seeks to explain to a new client the meaning of her inner journey, only to discover it is more complicated than even he could imagine.  Producer note: Drama, one location, two actors. 11 pages - pdf, format

Hey Bill - how are you doing - I can't open this - not too sure if it's just me 'n' my browser - but I tried it a few times...?

Opens fine for me (using Chrome).

Accessed the file just fine with Firefox.

E.D.

Yep, opens fine.

Hey Bill, don't you love how everyone is just opening and closing your file?     It really helps, doesn't it?

HaHa...just kidding.  I'll give this a read a bit later.

Thanks Don for posting.

Quoted from Dreamscale Yep, opens fine. Hey Bill, don't you love how everyone is just opening and closing your file?     It really helps, doesn't it? HaHa...just kidding.  I'll give this a read a bit later.

I suppose its better than not being opened!!

Jeff, a read would be much appreciated, even if the thought of a Dreamscale once over causes a sweat to break out

I appreciate this is a little longer than my usual short scripts, so just as a reminder, i am very happy to share reads/return the favour.

Cheers

Hi Bill - yes I finally managed to get this open - just my darn browser playing up...

Yeah - I really liked this. I thought it was really well woven - clues thrown in here and there, references that were returned to - and a nice heartwarming story.

At first I wasn't too sure about Terry toppling to his side - the hysterics bit there, but then again - it's part of a major trauma that he's dealing with, so I can go with that.

I can certainly see this being produced - very simple setting, just two people, and emotionally engaging.

Good stuff.

Hey Simon, Thanks for the read.

Quoted from Forgive Yeah - I really liked this. I thought it was really well woven - clues thrown in here and there, references that were returned to - and a nice heartwarming story.

Always difficult to now whether you have enough in, haven't made it too obvious etc so nice to here it worked.

I had a couple of options at the end, basically happy or sad. I suppose a producer could change this to suit their own wishes if agreeable.

Quoted from Forgive I can certainly see this being produced - very simple setting, just two people, and emotionally engaging. Good stuff.

This is probably the most producer friendly script i have written, so you never know.

Many thanks.

Bill,

I liked this one.  Once again, your descriptions are great.  I felt the cold morning and the warmth of the afghan.  

This isn't really a subject matter that tugs at my heartstrings, but you conveyed the emotion of the characters nicely.  I'm glad you chose the happy ending.

Well done.

Jordan

Figured I'd post this messy slug just to get Jeff wound up...

INT. TERRY’S HOUSE - LOUNGE - NIGHT - LATER

Drop the LATER and save the dash for time of day only. We've already been to the lounge. Just use...

INT. TERRY'S LOUNGE - NIGHT

Nuff of the formatting. I'm not the guy for that anyway.

This was very good. Powerful stuff I didn't see coming. What TG stood for in reality was a nice touch. I was duped into thinking it was just his initials.

Really difficult to make any suggestions here because I think you did well. Frankie's repetitive (V.O.)'s at the end might not work as well on film, but I get what you were shooting for at that moment.

It seemed as if Frankie already knew who her mother was, so I didn't understand the need for the cat and mouse game. Especially because Frankie was smiling to that message at the end. Just a small question.

Anywho, good solid read. Easy to film. Good luck with it...

James

Thanks Jordan and James.

Quoted from Nomad Bill, I liked this one.  Once again, your descriptions are great.  I felt the cold morning and the warmth of the afghan.   Well done.

Thanks. I know what you mean about different scripts appealing more than others. To be honest Horror is not my thing.

Quoted from jwent6688 Figured I'd post this messy slug just to get Jeff wound up... INT. TERRY’S HOUSE - LOUNGE - NIGHT - LATER Drop the LATER and save the dash for time of day only. We've already been to the lounge. Just use... INT. TERRY'S LOUNGE - NIGHT

Hands up, caught. Thats not good is it. Thanks for the suggestion.

Quoted from jwent6688 This was very good. Powerful stuff I didn't see coming. Really difficult to make any suggestions here because I think you did well. Frankie's repetitive (V.O.)'s at the end might not work as well on film, but I get what you were shooting for at that moment. Anywho, good solid read. Easy to film. Good luck with it... James

Thanks, i appreciate the read and the feedback. As you say the VO at the end may need some changes but as long at the tone gets across to the reader, i am happy that a producer would cut to suit their wishes.

All the best

Hey Bill.

I liked this. At first when Terry was taking pills yet he was a counselor, I thought oh lord...a counselor on medication *yikes*

It was a WTF moment near the end. I liked....wasn't expecting that at all. I love a short that has that unpredictable quality and you did it here.

Good job (again) ....I enjoy reading your writing.

Dena

OK, Bill, as I "warned" you, I've given this a read.  

Looks like everyone likes or loves it so far, so that's great.  You know that even when you live in the desert, a little rain is going to fall, though.

I actually read this Friday, but decided to wait a few days.  Just read it again now, so I could be sure of what I wanted to say.

For starters, it's definitely not my genre of choice, nor is the subject matter anything that remotely interests me, so take that all into consideration.

This did very little for me.  It's 11 pages of either 1 or 2 characters onscreen, in 1 setting (other than the bus at the end), talking or doing very mundane things.  There is literally no action here, no interesting visuals, nothing to carry 10 or 11 minutes of film, IMO.

But that's always debatable and comes down to what you enjoy watching.  What's not debatable is that this entire premise here hinges on the audience not knowing that Terry is actually Tracy, or a trans-gender.  I would imagine that as soon as Terry is intro'd onscreen, "he" would look a bit off, to say the least.  I guess what I'm saying is that without visuals, this is going to work much better. With visuals, it's up in the air, IMO.

Your writing is pretty good.  There are some issues here and there.  A number of cases of overwriting, some awkward writing, some punctuation issues (commas), some Slug issues, and some grammar issues, both in your action/description lines and your characters' dialogue (but characters often speak "incorrectly", so as long as the author intended it, it's all cool - but if the mistakes are simply grammar mistakes, well then...).

I want to bring up your opening Slug and passage, because to me, it's so important to get off to a solid start...and here, you didn't, IMO.  You've got "SUBURBAN STREET, TERRY'S HOUSE- DAY".  It's debatable whether or not this opening scene has anything to do with a "suburban street", but for me, it reads confusingly for no reason.  The use of a comma in this Slug is incorrect and may be the cause of the problem.  It's really either a street or a house that you want here, not both.  Finally, the time, "DAY" is also a question.  Now, I know, many only use only DAY or NIGHT and many gurus and sites stress this.  I bring it up though, because 2 passages later, you show us a clock that shows it's 9:41 AM in the morning.  My point being, you use DAY in your Slug, but tell us it's actually morning.  Nit Picky?  Sure, maybe, but it's something that stuck with me, meaning that for me, at least, it was an issue.

I think the biggest issue for me that no one has addressed yet is the timing here.  We start at 9:41 AM.  Then, we skip to 11:41 AM.  Based on your Slugs, only a few minutes pass as Terry and Frankie chat.  We also know that Frankie supposedly traveled a long distance to get here (3 buses).  Terry tells her a client canceled an afternoon appointment and she could have it.

OK, so I'm not sure exactly what Frankie is supposed to do until that appointment comes up, as she doesn't have any money, doesn't have a car, and most likely isn't familiar with the hood they're in.

So, the scene ends and switches to NIGHT.  I guess we have to imagine Frankie left for 6 hours or so, and returned, but does that make any sense?  What happened to the afternoon appointment?  Why not just play this thing out in real time without having Frankie have to leave and return, which just doesn't make alot of sense?

For me, it's little things like this that mean so much, either positively or negatively.

It's a nice, happy ending here, Bill that seems to hit home with your readers, so that's cool.  For me, it doesn't do much, but it does show your talents as a writer, creating a story that successfully tugs at your readers heartstrings.  Usually a tough task to accomplish, so well done.

Hope this helps.

Hey Dena,

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from Pale Yellow Hey Bill. I liked this. At first when Terry was taking pills yet he was a counselor, I thought oh lord...a counselor on medication *yikes* It was a WTF moment near the end. I liked....wasn't expecting that at all. I love a short that has that unpredictable quality and you did it here. Good job (again) ....I enjoy reading your writing. Dena

Arh the pills, the pills... yes, a small early sign thats all is not as it seems.

We discussed the ending and there were a variety of options. I could see someone filming this (i'd be lucky) in a much darker way.

all the best

Hey Jeff,

Thanks for giving this the Dreamscale. I do appreciate the close attention you give scripts and fully accept we are probably quite different in terms of what we enjoy.

Quoted from Dreamscale This did very little for me.  It's 11 pages of either 1 or 2 characters onscreen, in 1 setting (other than the bus at the end), talking or doing very mundane things.  There is literally no action here, no interesting visuals, nothing to carry 10 or 11 minutes of film, IMO.

I will admit this is an attempt at the one location, two people, low budget script - easy and cheap to produce. i hope.

This left me with a couple of issues including VISUALS. So, my attempt to spice things up for a 10/11 minute film were;

1] split half into light; half into dark - aparting from mixing it up, it also correlated to a change in the tone and depth. The light being the meet you element, the dark being the understand you element. A sense of they, and the film, are going somewhere else.

2] Ethnic background - the hope was give Terry and his house some different character to add to the intrigue and unusual situation. However, this was also aligned with the sense of fate and journey that is associated with eastern religions and beliefs. Something that runs within the theme.

3] Part of the visuals were meant to be the extreme character arc experienced. The assured counsellor melting down by the end, frozen in terms of action, and temperature, on his door step. After a colourful teddy providing a sense of connection and element of loss whilst contrasting with the ethnic world he has built up.

Quoted from Dreamscale But that's always debatable and comes down to what you enjoy watching.  What's not debatable is that this entire premise here hinges on the audience not knowing that Terry is actually Tracy, or a trans-gender.  I would imagine that as soon as Terry is intro'd onscreen, "he" would look a bit off, to say the least.

True, and to be honest i don't have the experience to say how much of an issue this would be to a producer. With all that films provide and try to achieve, it didn't strike me as impossible. Indeed, could also be one of the clues that makes you say, i thought he looked funny!

Quoted from Dreamscale There are some issues here and there.  A number of cases of overwriting, some awkward writing, some punctuation issues (commas), some Slug issues, and some grammar issues, both in your action/description lines and your characters' dialogue (but characters often speak "incorrectly", so as long as the author intended it, it's all cool - but if the mistakes are simply grammar mistakes, well then...).

As much as I try i am never going to be a natural writer, but with all the feedback i have on my scripts, plus those i read on others, i hope to improve.

Quoted from Dreamscale I want to bring up your opening Slug and passage, because to me, it's so important to get off to a solid start...and here, you didn't, IMO.  You've got "SUBURBAN STREET, TERRY'S HOUSE- DAY".  It's debatable whether or not this opening scene has anything to do with a "suburban street", but for me, it reads confusingly for no reason.  The use of a comma in this Slug is incorrect and may be the cause of the problem.  It's really either a street or a house that you want here, not both.  Finally, the time, "DAY" is also a question.  Now, I know, many only use only DAY or NIGHT and many gurus and sites stress this.  I bring it up though, because 2 passages later, you show us a clock that shows it's 9:41 AM in the morning.  My point being, you use DAY in your Slug, but tell us it's actually morning.  Nit Picky?  Sure, maybe, but it's something that stuck with me, meaning that for me, at least, it was an issue.

Interesting, as i was led to believe keep away from morning etc, keep to day or night, unless obvious such as dusk, sunset. Useful feedback.

Quoted from Dreamscale I think the biggest issue for me that no one has addressed yet is the timing here.  We start at 9:41 AM.  Then, we skip to 11:41 AM.  Based on your Slugs, only a few minutes pass as Terry and Frankie chat.  We also know that Frankie supposedly traveled a long distance to get here (3 buses).  Terry tells her a client canceled an afternoon appointment and she could have it. OK, so I'm not sure exactly what Frankie is supposed to do until that appointment comes up, as she doesn't have any money, doesn't have a car, and most likely isn't familiar with the hood they're in. So, the scene ends and switches to NIGHT.  I guess we have to imagine Frankie left for 6 hours or so, and returned, but does that make any sense?

It may surprise you but i am glad you spotted this as it was something i wrestled with. So why did i do it.

1] Visuals - i wanted to push the light dark aspects to give depth

2] Reality - it seemed more unlikely to turn up and go straight into a session. The cancelled client, come back later, seemed better, plus - maybe i should have stressed this more - reflected a desire on Frankie part to take part. Her action of returning.

3] buses - yeah, this bothered me. i wanted the sense she travelled far, thereby showing real reason but also once she left, she had really gone. How to get there in three buses by that time - good question. One option, i didn't include, was to suggest it was over night. May have resolved that.

I did have other scenes with her waiting across the road watching "weird" clients come and go but, rightly or wrongly, chose to keep it in house. Maybe an error.

Quoted from Dreamscale It's a nice, happy ending here, Bill that seems to hit home with your readers, so that's cool.  For me, it doesn't do much, but it does show your talents as a writer, creating a story that successfully tugs at your readers heartstrings.  Usually a tough task to accomplish, so well done.

Yeah i understand its not for everyone, indeed i wonder whether the "it doesn't work out ending" is stronger. I suppose i like happy faces.

To answer your final question "hope this help?" - yes it does, even we don't agree on everything.

Thanks for the read.

You going to post something new one day - others than The Cabin 2.

cheers

The Cabin 3 or 4 maybe within 13 months.  I've decided not to post any new features here.  Spielberg's looking at them now.  

Hey Bill,

Good to see a new script from you, and it opened just fine for me as well.

This is a good short, easy filmable in the one location setting. It’s an emotional story and I think you’ve done an excellent job with both characters, a lot of depth in this relationship. It was also nice to see a happy ending, we all like those.

I think this would have been better in real time rather than having the gap between the two meetings but that’s just me. Also felt it was a tad long for what it was and needs a few pages shaved off, damn those pesky orphans everyone talked about recently.

I couldn’t fault much in a technical aspect, it was a clean, fast read.  Some of the slugs could do with some work and a couple lines read a bit awkward but otherwise, well written IMO.

These are the notes I took during the read:

P 1. Wonder whether the phone number should have an area code in front? Normally these types of signs do.

“Brilliant sunlight” Thought this could just be sunlight?

“As he swallows the pills, he notices through the window, a woman” This read awkward for me.

P.5 “Frankie stands up, gathers her belongings.” I think “up” is redundant here.

Why not talk to Frankie now? Terry hardly seems to have clients knocking down the door? Maybe he needs to say something about an appointment he has in 10 minutes but there was a cancelled appointment in the afternoon if she’s interested.

“Is he for real?” Not a massive fan of questions in the action description.

“INT. TERRY’S HOUSE - LOUNGE - NIGHT – LATER”

This slug doesn’t look pretty and I’m sure you don’t need “later” here.

P.9 “You’re the first to listen my shit.” Missing “to” between listen and my.

P.11 “ANSWER PHONE” I think this dialogue can be “Frankie” in voice over as it’s a recorded message by her. Also as you’ve stated it’s a recorded message in the action so it wouldn't look out of place IMO.

Overall, a very powerful, emotional character driven story which is well done and never lost my interest.

Good work, buddy

Steve

Hey Bill,

Always a pleasure to lend an opinion to a stalwart SS regular!
Glad to see steady reviews are pouring in.

P. 5
I didn't quite buy that Frankie would be convinced.
Guess I wanted more hints as to what she's on about.

P. 5
Wait a minute, it was late morning.
And the afternoon session cancelled.
So why is Frankie coming in at night for her session?
Did I miss something here?
What did poor Frankie do all day in a strange town then?

Finished.
Pretty catchy premise I have to say.
I'd like to see it go on...
I would've liked it to continue right there.
Where Terry tells Frankie stories he's "heard" about the mum.

Good idea. Pretty decent execution.
I don't see why this one wouldn't get produced. Kudos.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Steve,

As ever many thanks for the read.

Quoted from CoopBazinga This is a good short, easy filmable in the one location setting. It’s an emotional story and I think you’ve done an excellent job with both characters, a lot of depth in this relationship. It was also nice to see a happy ending, we all like those.

Thanks. Most of my scripts to date are not viable...at all!! Absolutely no chance. So time for me to try a limited budget, two actors, one location, story.

Quoted from CoopBazinga I think this would have been better in real time rather than having the gap between the two meetings but that’s just me. Also felt it was a tad long for what it was and needs a few pages shaved off, damn those pesky orphans everyone talked about recently.

Yeah, not the first on the time lag. As explained to jeff above it was for a reason and i hoped that in a produced version you simply would see Frankie during daylight, then coming back in later at night, no real issue. If it was there are a few way to resolve one, which i may do, is to start later so that the dark/light is less of any issue. the other, which i deleted from an earlier version, was to have a scene during that time in which she sat watching "weird"clients come and go - again another foreshadowing.

Should this be of interest to a producer it could be dealt with in many ways if an issue.

However, i am keen to see the split between daylight - the meeting phase - and  darkness/candle light - the understanding phase. Both have different tones, illustrated by the light variation. Shame to lose that.

Re orphans - yeah, I've gone back in, taken half a page off, although i do find i have to be careful and not do it for the sake of it and weaken the writing.

Quoted from CoopBazinga “Is he for real?” Not a massive fan of questions in the action description.

Arh, the old aside, if i"m not mistaken. Now, i"m no expert on this matter but to me the times when this works is when you have one of those scenes without dialogue where by the characters  look at each other, no words, yet the audience know whats being considered. IMO that is the time when a touch of clarity through an aside may help. Whether it is right here, no doubt can be argued but the occasional one, at the right moment, is probably a sin worth bearing for clarity. Always worth asking yourself, what if it was removed? Does it make a difference?

Quoted from CoopBazinga “Brilliant sunlight” Thought this could just be sunlight?

Good question but i think there is a difference. Sunlight can be dull e.g., grey cloud, good old UK weather. Brilliant tells you more. On this occasion i wanted it strong, again to highlight the contrast with later. If i hadn't had this in mind, then why bother - agreed.

Quoted from CoopBazinga “INT. TERRY’S HOUSE - LOUNGE - NIGHT – LATER”

OK, ugly slug of the year goes to.... (now changed!)

Quoted from CoopBazinga Overall, a very powerful, emotional character driven story which is well done and never lost my interest. Good work, buddy Steve

Kind words.

Once again, thanks for the read and the useful feedback.

Please do let me know when you would like the favour returned.

regards

Hey Brett,

Almost forgot to reply. Thanks for the read. I feel i owe you a few reads back, anything you working on?

Quoted from Electric Dreamer P. 5 Wait a minute, it was late morning. And the afternoon session cancelled. So why is Frankie coming in at night for her session? Did I miss something here? What did poor Frankie do all day in a strange town then?

Yeah, it seems that a few readers need this tweaked to make sure it doesn't jar. Im going to slightly adjust but still keep the light/dark contrast.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Finished. Pretty catchy premise I have to say. I'd like to see it go on... I would've liked it to continue right there. Where Terry tells Frankie stories he's "heard" about the mum.

Thanks for that. To be honest I've never seen this as longer but i get your point. Nice to think you were intrigued enough to wonder what happens next.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Good idea. Pretty decent execution. I don't see why this one wouldn't get produced. Kudos.

I take that as a large compliment. It was an attempt at a cheap, easy to record drama, yet with bite, so i live in hope. Other than SS i wouldn't know where to offer this.

Thanks for the read.

Hey Bill

I see you've got some good feedback already so I'll keep it short and sweet.  I really liked this, I wasn't sure where it was going and then when the twist came I thought of a few clues you dropped in earlier without me realising which was clever.

The only thing that niggled me was you spelled out Terry was Tracy.  I don't think the letter about gender reassignment is needed and maybe a shot of the teddy bear would suffice?  A small niggle and it's only my thoughts on the matter.

Overall this is a great short and would have a good impact on screen.

Excellent short.

Hey Alfie

Thanks for the read - owe you one. Please feel free to email or Pm if you have something reviewed.

SPOILERS

Yeah, the letter. Maybe not required but I felt it was worth clarifying with the gender reassignment, ie how it happened. One of those details that should a producer wish to take this up, they could drop if they like.

All the best.

I loved this script.  Nailed me right between the eyes.  Well written and exposes information in just the  right way, straight down the line.  Wow.  

Quoted from steven8 I loved this script.  Nailed me right between the eyes.  Well written and exposes information in just the  right way, straight down the line.  Wow.

Hey Steven,

Thanks for the read and kind words.

Whilst this has a happy ending it was quite different to my previous work so nice to think it worked.

One day i would like to see something of mine produced (one supposedly to be produced in the USA this summer - we shall see) and this was a blatant attempt at a script to appeal to a Very Low Budget and easy to produce, yet with meat on the bones.

Thanks for the read. I will be getting around to your 7WC in the next day of so.

cheers


bill

Hi I thought this was a good read - the details were just right without going overboard

My only suggestion is that we, the audience, should discover the truth with Frankie instead of catching on so soon and going along the ride with Terry. I think Frankie's perspective, at least in that instance, could have more punch. And it's at the end, so that's gravy IMHO, of course;)

But great job nonetheless!!! I'd love to see the produced version

Well done.

Concerning the time issue, I don't think "pushing the light/dark aspects" adds depth. It isn't necessary. While Frankie wouldn't, I don't think, immediately agree to sit for a session, she is vulnerable. She is in need of someone to talk to. I can easily imagine her leaving only to 'give it some thought' and quickly return.

Again, well done.

Sorry RD and Seven, been meaning to reply sooner.

Quoted from rdhay Hi My only suggestion is that we, the audience, should discover the truth with Frankie instead of catching on so soon and going along the ride with Terry. I think Frankie's perspective, at least in that instance, could have more punch. And it's at the end, so that's gravy IMHO, of course;)

Interesting idea. Naturally this completely reverses the script which is set from Terrys POV. However, i did make me think that a longer script could interweave both.

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from Seven Concerning the time issue, I don't think "pushing the light/dark aspects" adds depth. It isn't necessary. While Frankie wouldn't, I don't think, immediately agree to sit for a session, she is vulnerable. She is in need of someone to talk to. I can easily imagine her leaving only to 'give it some thought' and quickly return.

Interesting point on the light/dark. To me i saw this as two pauses, [1] the meet [2] the resolution. Visually, i though it would add to the moment, add fear, the sense that something lurks in the shadows, to have the final scene in darkness. Should anybody wish to produce this i would be interested to see if they share that idea.

Thanks for the read.

Bill,
The beginning immediately had me hooked. It definitely gives the reader the sense that something is not quite right and the reveal was eventually paid off nicely. I was beginning to think the twist might be something along the lines of the 6th Sense, but thankfully it wasn't. Didn't see it coming at all.
I've read over the other comments and unfortunately there's not much left to critique but just wanted to let you know I enjoyed this. Great back and forth dialogue, it read very natural.
Nate

Hey Nasty...now thats an intro!!

Many thanks for the read.

Quoted from nastynate Bill, The beginning immediately had me hooked. It definitely gives the reader the sense that something is not quite right and the reveal was eventually paid off nicely. I was beginning to think the twist might be something along the lines of the 6th Sense, but thankfully it wasn't. Didn't see it coming at all. I've read over the other comments and unfortunately there's not much left to critique but just wanted to let you know I enjoyed this. Great back and forth dialogue, it read very natural. Nate

Glad you enjoyed this. It was an attempt at a low budget, single location script which hopefully will make it more accessible to film one day.

As ever there are things people could change but what has come out of this is that all the early signs didn't give the game away which is pleasing to hear.

cheers

bill

I selected this one in return for Trappings, and I was pleasantly surprised to discover many of the same themes at play.

You begin with a nice, quiet tone, and calling from across the street like that is a very nice touch that says a lot about Frankie before we have even met her.

You describe the lounge perfectly; a vivid picture perfectly understood.

A minor niggle is your use of underlines.  You underline odd things, and in an inconsistent fashion.  Why underline note pad but not the pen?  But then, why underline note pad at all?  It is certainly not a big deal, but I suggest losing them just the same.

The reveal is handled very well.  Subtle, unspoken, but unmistakable when it occurs. Very nicely done.

Once this reveal occurs, however, you might have Terry crying too much.  I mean, literally, on the page.  You mention this about five times, and at one point, "hysterically", which seems far too strong a word IMO.

You should avoid this type of repetition.  Telling us once that he is crying is probably enough, and twice is surely more than enough.

Another point I read recently, somewhere, on characters crying.  The audience understands when a character should be crying, and sometimes the emotional charge is actually undermined by the character breaking down into tears.

The quote went something like, "If your character cries, the audience will not."  Something to think about, anyway.

This is a good, interesting story with likable characters.  I am glad to have read it.

Hey Bert,

Many thanks for the read.

I don't have the ability to highlight text at the moment but can comment on;

Highlighting - my policy is to highlight infrequently and only on things I want the reader to re call. The pad was highlighted as this is used later in the reveal of TG, hence I wanted this to be clear. Maybe I could forget the pen.

Crying   - funny enough this had been niggling me for a while. I agree there is a touch too much and I intend to amend.

Thanks for that

Bill

Bill

This was an interesting piece.

I couldn’t help thinking about The Skin I Live In with the transgender twist and I think you used it to good effect.

The exchanges between both characters felt natural and engaging especially as the tension gradually heightened as Terry began to realise who Frankie was and the reader realises who Terry really is.

I wondered why Frankie didn’t ask straight out if Terry knew her mother as this was her last known address, a logical question to ask I think. Of course this means the build up to the reveal wouldn’t work. I understand that Frankie is tight lipped and uninclined to talk about her mother but this is the reason she came all this way so I think she would still ask it.

Anyway, that aside, the succeed for the most part, an unexpected twist well handled which is subtly set up prior when Terry talks about how his life went through a big change and is also validated somewhat due to the fact that he had been raped which resulted in Frankie’s birth, a nice intermingling of events and information fed to the reader to help join the dots.

I think you could do without Frankie exciting the bus so hastily in the last scene. Perhaps have her checking her voicemail and leaving it at that. The reader/viewer can fill in the rest.

Or perhaps, to make it more dramatic, have Frankie harming herself in some way i.e. drug use, attempted suicide (this could be set up in earlier scenes via scars on her wrists, needle holes in her arm, whatever) before the voicemail rings through on the phone stopping her from completing the action. She hesitates to answer it before doing so. Fade out while she listens. Or to make it ambiguous, cut to black while she considers whether to answer it or not.

I’m probably pushing the drama a tad too far in those suggestions , feel free to discard at will!

Decent work, well done.

Col.

Hey Col,

Thanks for that, kind of you to read.

Not seen the skin that i live in, but apparently its sound.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I wondered why Frankie didn’t ask straight out if Terry knew her mother as this was her last known address, a logical question to ask I think. Of course this means the build up to the reveal wouldn’t work. I understand that Frankie is tight lipped and uninclined to talk about her mother but this is the reason she came all this way so I think she would still ask it.

Its a fair question. i hoped to present Frankie as a cautious, prickly character hardened by life and therefore not inclined to ask for help. She agrees to the session since she is already on a journey and also because of the spark with terry.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I think you could do without Frankie exciting the bus so hastily in the last scene. Perhaps have her checking her voicemail and leaving it at that. The reader/viewer can fill in the rest.

Ah ha. This was how the first draft went, but i then thought readers would wonder if the call ever worked. So i added the bus in, first her just listening, then i decided i needed to show the affect. If this was ever filmed it wouldn't surprise if the end was handled differently, lots of different ways.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Or perhaps, to make it more dramatic, have Frankie harming herself in some way i.e. drug use, attempted suicide (this could be set up in earlier scenes via scars on her wrists, needle holes in her arm, whatever) before the voicemail rings through on the phone stopping her from completing the action.

God that would be a happy story!! As you can see i went happy ending but what has been nice with this tale is the variety of options. It was even suggested this could be the first act of something longer, not that i have anything in my head for a longer effort.

Thanks for the suggestions, i appreciate them because it challenges the story - rather than pointing out typos - which helps me more.

Have you anything in the pipeline, must owe you a read now.

cheers

bill

Hey Bill.  You gave my script a read so I figure I would read one of yours.  I haven't read any of the posts on this thread so I might retread old ground, sorry.

First off, great job establishing that it's cold without saying an unfilmable such as "it's cold."  I could tell instantly by Terry's actions and the date.

Liking the dialogue so far, as well.

The whole thing was very touching, very sad.  I think Terry crying hysterically is a bit overkill, maybe if he just cried a tad.  Also, why does the phone go to voicemail if Frankie is listening as he talks?

I really liked this one, Bill.

Gage

Hey AJ,

Many thanks for the read.

Quoted from Gage   I think Terry crying hysterically is a bit overkill, maybe if he just cried a tad.

Yup, hands up     i went a bit too far on this part. I've been meaning to tone this down and tweak the script a bit but you beat me to it.

The Voicemail with Frankie was meant to be a two different times. By using the Vm i'm able to get terry to express himself. i initially didn't have frankie pick it up and just leave it at that, but then i thought readers would complain that they didn't have closure etc

Glad you liked ti

cheers

bill

Hey Bill.

Cool little story here. Kind of a reverse Crying Game. The dialogue between Terry and Frankie was, for the most part, quite good. You've delved into some really dark areas with this script but it came off warm and heartfelt at the end. The ending surprised me, and it really makes me want to re-read this, which is always a compliment. Would make a good little short film if cast correctly. I enjoyed it.

Steve

Quoted from SteveFauquier Hey Bill. Cool little story here. Kind of a reverse Crying Game. The dialogue between Terry and Frankie was, for the most part, quite good. You've delved into some really dark areas with this script but it came off warm and heartfelt at the end. The ending surprised me, and it really makes me want to re-read this, which is always a compliment. Would make a good little short film if cast correctly. I enjoyed it. Steve

Hey Steve,

Thanks for the read.

This was a simple attempt at a one location, two actors script which inevitably causes certain restrictions. I'm not saying it's perfect but for me it's a script i doubt I would ever revise much. It is what it is. Until...

cheers

bill

Hey Bill,

Thought I would have a read, and have not gone through the above comments so I apologise if I have repeated anything.

The screenplay is well written so I wont comment on that, apart from a lot of action lines at the beginning and the first part of 1-6 pages taking a while to get into things.

For a screenplay 11 pages  long I felt that the beginning was a bit dragged out and could do with shortening to keep the reader keen and get to the point faster.

I also predicted that Terry was Frankie's mum as soon as Frankie said my mum use to live here, It did make me feel like reading on just to see if i was right.

One thing I found annoying was that I kept confuding the names of Tracy and Frankie and not sure if you made Frankie a masculine name considering her mothers background or what. I just felt a more feminine name like "Sandra" that has no cross gender implications may have been more appopriate and made it easier to read and follow. Just IMO.

I thought the emotions at the end did work well and the ending was good.

The writing is good though IMO i would honestly cut it back a few pages and make it all happen quicker, I do realise you are trying to establish the characters in the first 5-6 pages though I found myself hanging there waiting for an outcome, though this is a short and I feel a producer would want a faster impact to get in and get out so to speak.

By the way is you're name Bill really Bill, or is it Beatrice ???  Hee Hee, Sorry just had to say it.

Regards Alex

PS The idea would also make a good series !!!!! Bring the clients on !!!! Though it would have to be a comedy !!!

Hey Bill- I really enjoyed the script. Well written, very visual. Feel sad for Frankie and root for Terry to help her. Great job- Dirk

Hi Bill

Interesting idea.   I enjoyed the morning imagery - could really see the movie in my head.

Roy

Hey folks

Thanks;

Alex - thanks for the read. Hopefully, most won't see the twist at the same point as you as on the screen you would see a mans expression change so more likely think, does he know her, or maybe what's he done with her?

Dirk (real name?) - thanks for the read. If I can retrun the favour let me know

Roy - like dirk, thanks for the read. Let me know if anything of yours is posted

Cheers

Bill

Thought I'd give you another go as a one pager isn't enough to go by.

I thoroughly enjoyed this story. At first I didn't know where it was going... well written but a little boring. Then BAM, the TG thing. Trans Gender. I never picked up on it until you wanted me to, despite the earlier clue slip on the telephone. Well done. Paced just right, nicely executed.

Couldn't find much wrong with it and neither do I want to. Glad I read it, something a little different.

Thanks Dustin for the read.

I've only just put this up. Whilst it was in the Gimme credit competition and working its way through the American Gem Literary Festival I took it down. I find out this week where it has come in the AG but as there were nearly a thousand entries i am just pleased to be in the finals, anything else is a bonus.

I know what you mean about the slow start. I tried to help this along by making the characters and the situation intriguing. What's behind them, why is she there, what's this bloke about and where is this counselling going to go etc? In particular I chose the final scene to be at night so that it contrasts with the earlier scene and adds a sense of impending darkness, a journey into somewhere hidden, a metaphor for the script itself.

All the best.

PAGE FINALIST SCRIPT

Just a shameless bump   to bring this back to producers attention.


Producers please note - Low budget, two actors, no cost for script and a whore of writer who wants this produced!!  


I have now updated the version at SS to the Page finalist entry.

cheers