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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Bridge Moderators: bert
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Grandma Bear
Posted: April 11th, 2013, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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Thoughts on your script while I read.

Is the year and make of car important to the story?

It would help to see the scenes better if you have on more empty line before the slugs which is customary. That way the sluglines don't blend in with the rest of the text.

Page 3. If they have four flat tires, how are they going to fix that with one spare?

Page 5. His heart races? Is that something we should hear? If so, you need to mention it's a sound.

Okay, I thought your "action writing" there on the last few pages were pretty good. The story as a whole though, felt a little unsatisfactory. There wasn't any payoff or twist or anything. Four kids get flat tires on their car at a bridge. One buy one they get taken by some monster under the bridge. Maybe because we don't really get to know anyone in this story, we don't really have any emotional investment in them and therefore we don't care that much when they die. I would suggest dropping one or maybe even two characters from this story.  Mark and Katey would be my choice. Instead let us spend more time with Billy and Shawn. Develop their characters some more. Maybe Billy and Shawn are squabbling on the bridge and they hear that TINK TINK sound and let it go from there. Mark and Katey's disappearances didn't add much, IMHO.

Hope this helps.  


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Busy Little Bee
Posted: April 13th, 2013, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
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Good intro, we get a sense of your characters through a disagreement/argument between Shawn and Bill. Small cast, single location. There situation increase in there severity one flat tire to four flat tires, Mark missing… Nice use of sound to induce suspense and fear with the TINK, TINK.

Quick read, lots of white space and action words. Technically if we are on Katie, and she's close enough to hear the argument shouldn't we as well, at least bits and pieces, then again I guess not because her POV is focused somewhere else. First, three deaths where rather quick, but the finale was well worth. I hate stubbing my toe, so envisioning running over sharp glass makes me squirm. I couldn't wait to see if he'd get over the bridge if for nothing else to see if the creatures could only attack those on the bridge, which it sounds like that might be the case.

Pleasant read.

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: April 13th, 2013, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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I was going to say this could work well as a feature, and on the cheap too. Gotta love that.

Nice work pushing forward on this

BLB



Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: May 20th, 2017, 1:48am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jordan,

Read the short and I thought it was pretty cool. I figured that they ran over those creatures' buddy and, the creatures were getting their revenge on them. That's my interpretation any way so I could be wrong lol. I would advise to add a scene before the crash so we can get a sense of the characters. In addition, a ending scene of a news reporter saying kids went missing.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Nomad
Posted: May 20th, 2017, 2:18am Report to Moderator
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Wow, Gabe.

Thanks for digging this up.

I like the idea of a scene in the car getting to know the characters.

This is the opening to a feature that I've been working on for...um...a while.
Even though these characters are expendable, I should still treat them with love.

I'm a believer in signs, and I think you've shown me where I need to focus my effort on the myriad of scripts I have in the works.

Thank you.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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