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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Culture Shock Moderators: bert
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Nomad
Posted: May 16th, 2012, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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I'm a little late to the party, but I agree with most of what the other members have said.  I could feel Nothando's misery.  Tighten it up and you'll have a nice little short.

Some shots of the sick Grandma reading Nothando's letter would be good too.

Jordan


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danbotha
Posted: May 16th, 2012, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jordan.

Thanks for the feedback  

I'm glad you were able to see Nothando's misery as that was important to the script.

Your idea of having Nothando's grandmother reading the letter would be a great touch and I am definitely going to consider that.

Thanks, Jordan, I'll take a look at some of your work  

Daniel


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javisiete
Posted: May 19th, 2012, 8:14am Report to Moderator
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Daniel I like the story it is simple , but works. I didn't have any problem with your writing, except for some minor things:

-EXT. SCHOOL - DAY - ESTABLISHING "You can eliminate establishing from it cause your are already establishing that we are in an exterior of a school. and you are telling us in the action above."

...we hear the voice of NOTHANDO ZINDWEZE for the first time... " you can cut this cause we are going to hear Nothando VO. And you can also modify it. YOUNG GIRL'S VOICE and introduce her later in the other scene"

Miss Bunderfall " You have to capitalize her name the first time she enters in cue.

EXT. SCHOOL TENNIS COURTS - DAY "we are still inside the school. It should be INT. SCHOOL - TENNIS COURT.

INT. SCHOOL - FIELD OR CAMPUS " If you are inside a place your inside the place. You have to be careful with that.

INSERT: MISS BUNDERFALL’S HAND WRITING "NOT ACHIEVED" ON NOTHANDO’S CREATIVE WRITING. " i think the use of INSERT here is wrong. You can just describe it as a simple action. Something like Miss Bunderfall is writting a "NOT ACHIEVED" in Nothando's Creative Writing.

That was the only problems I found.

Take care and keep writing. I like your writing style.

Revision History (1 edits)
javisiete  -  May 19th, 2012, 4:35pm
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danbotha
Posted: May 19th, 2012, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Javier

I appreciate the feedback. You raised some very good points with the establishing shots and with when Miss Bunderfall enters. I'm not too fussy with the introduction of Nothando.

As to your Tennis Court business, I have to disagree with you based on my personal knowledge of screenwriting. The way I was taught EXT. stands for exterior meaning that it is outdoors and INT. stands for interior which is indoors. As the Tennis courts are still outdoors, I feel that it should still be EXT. SCHOOL TENNIS COURTS - DAY... If anyone else can explain how this is wrong, I'll certainly make the change, but as far as I know there were no problems there.

I'm glad that you enjoyed the story and I'm glad someone likes my writing style. It's a rainy day here, so I'll start the re-write today.

Cheers Javier  

Daniel


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Colkurtz8
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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Daniel

This was an interesting piece, sad and heartfelt, felt very personal. I empathised with the poor Nothando and her plight. At first, I thought she was just in denial or naive but the scene with Billy made me realise her reasons and it was handled with reserve and care.

On screen this would work rather well I think. However, technically speaking from a writing perspective it needs a lot of work. I take it you’re new to screenwriting and that’s fine, you look to have a good grasp in how to tell a story, that’s the most important thing you just need to work on the craft of format and presentation.

Below are some things I spotted:

Drop the “we” in your prose, it sends the amateur alarm ringing for readers.

“The english classroom is reasonably normal. The typical "Do
not smoke" posters on the walls and, of course, the
students.”

-- You could drop this altogether and start with the action lines below it.

“continuing with her letter to her grandmother
back in Zimbabwe.”

-- How do we know her grandmother is back in Zimbabwe? Only include details that can be discerned by the potential audience.

“She stands in the doorway, unimpressed with the noise that
was coming out of the room just a second ago.”

-- You tend to over describe, Daniel. Have  more faith in the reader’s intelligence. The above extract is a good example. It could be rewritten simply as:

“She stands in the doorway, unimpressed”

Always look to drop the present participle i.e. the “ing” at the end of verbs. For example “keeping” can be become “keeps” or “wishing” becomes “wishes” and so on. It tightens the read and is equally applicable in most cases. I’d recommend you going through the script’s prose and trying it out.

“The class is once again in silence, while they work on
another exercize that Miss Bunderfall has set them.”

-- Another example of over writing, this could be rewritten as:

“The class work in silence”

This is much shorter but essentially says the same thing as we can assume the teacher has set their exercise.

“Her room is neat and tidy. Not a spot of dust rests on      her window-pane.”

-- I would drop everything after “tidy”.

Good effort here , Daniel. My advice now would be to read as many scripts as possible and articles on how to write a script. With a bit of dedication you’ll pick it up in no time and your writing will benefit immeasurably from it.

Best of luck.

Col.


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kingcooky555
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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It's an easy read but I think you can clean up the blocky action lines.

I like the VO that is completely different from reality. For me, I easily developed sympathy for her current plight.

However, I felt the ending felt like... it just ended. How about in that last line"

"Love from, your darling
grandaughter, Nothando."

Cut to a hospital bed with Nothando and her grandmother on the hospital bed. Her grandmother says these lines and smiles at her daughter. Then Nothando cries. The implication is that her lies brought happiness to her grandmother, but when it's someone else saying the lies back to her - she finally breaks down. Just a thought.

Good job - I can see someone filming this.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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When I finished reading I had to wonder where the title came from because I did not see a connection. So I read the longline and it still didn't make sense. Is this girl black? In a sea of white kids?
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danbotha
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 12:29am Report to Moderator
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Hey Col

Thanks so much for your feedback, I really appreciate it. I finished the re-write of this one yesterday, so most of the things you mentioned have already been changed.

Glad to see that you were able to invest your time into this one.

Cheers

Daniel


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danbotha
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from kingcooky555

However, I felt the ending felt like... it just ended. How about in that last line"


Hey kingcooky.

First off thanks for your time. There isn't much I appreciate more.

In the re-write I have got a completely new ending, so I'm hoping it doesn't feel so sudden this time round. That re-write should be up soon, so if you're interested, keep a look out for it.

Daniel


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danbotha
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 12:37am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from cloroxmartini
When I finished reading I had to wonder where the title came from because I did not see a connection. So I read the longline and it still didn't make sense. Is this girl black? In a sea of white kids?


Hey clorxmartin.

Quite a good point you raised there, actually. The title relates more to the kids in New Zealand, rather than Nothando. They don't really understand her or her ways, therefore avoiding her and bullying her. They are the victims of the culture shock, not Nothando.

The girl is black, yes and yes, she is in a sea of white kids. I'll definitely try and make that clearer, from now on.

Thanks for your time on.

Daniel


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Forgive
Posted: May 23rd, 2012, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dan - I've written the feedback first, but then I'm going to check what other people have said. I'll try and read your others over the next day or two.

... okay - done the read ...

This was a nice piece, quite sensitive - very 'quiet' in its nature, but also quite observant. In some ways it felt quite 'female' in the way it was written - not a bad thing. I like the current of conflict that unlines it - there is, of course, the assumption that the grandma is sick, and this may or may not be true - we don't actually know, but often I hear of people who are shocked by how the 'West' is not what they thought it would be. You've dealt with the topic of racism and exclusion very sensitively, and I like that.

Often thought, I'm forced to think 'is this person a writer or director'. I got that feeling here, with this piece too. I was tempted to consider that you have more directorial skills than you have writing skills - as far as the writing goes there are some issues.

Here's my take on some of them:

## We are looking at a typical high school
-- many people with dislike this. It states the obvious. What I like to do is write something like 'a typical high school', and then ask what difference would there be in the filmed version between this and 'we are looking at ... '. If there is no difference, then it has to be superfluous, and can therefore be safely cut.
--------------

The english classroom is reasonably normal. The typical "Do
not smoke" posters on the walls and, of course, the
students.

The classroom is packed with about twenty five students, all
acting like maniacs in the absence of their teacher.

-- this is visually incorrect for a number of reasons.
You don't dictate the primary visual. If you had been outside this classroom, and then opened the door and looked in - the first thing you would have noted is the kids acting like maniacs. That means NOT the 'No Smoking' signs.

What's important here, is to note that the classroom is NOT 'packed with about twenty five pupils'. What the classroom is, is manic. Primarily. It is then packed with twenty five pupils, simply because you'd only note the number of pupils once you'd noted the manic nature of them. So go with the lead (primary) visual first.
---------------

Nothando’s english class sits in complete silence. They are
all busied with their creative writing.

In silence, Nothando’s english class are all busy with their creative writing.
------------------

## All heads have been turned on Nothando.
-- All heads turn to Nothando.

So those are my thoughts. A decent script - thoughtful, more than exciting, but that's good if it's what you were aiming for.

As always, there's a big difference if you intend to film this yourself - I'd not worry too much if that is your intention. But if you wish someone else to film it, then you are going to have to concern yourself with the grammar a little more, and polish up some of those scripting skills.

All the best, then.

Simon
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Forgive
Posted: May 23rd, 2012, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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I've read the feedback you've had. I'd take particular note of Heretic and Colkutz's feedback. I wouldn't necessarily adapt too much to Heretic's advice as he is coming from a very American perspective (re.  the protagonist's need to change), but aside from that there's some pretty sound feedback.
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danbotha
Posted: May 23rd, 2012, 11:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Forgive

Often thought, I'm forced to think 'is this person a writer or director'. I got that feeling here, with this piece too. I was tempted to consider that you have more directorial skills than you have writing skills - as far as the writing goes there are some issues.


Hey Simon.

Thanks so much for your feed back, I really appreciate it.

I am both a director and a writer, but I haven't actually decided whether to film this one myself, or not. This script, for me is quite special in the way that I don't want to stuff it up if I direct it, but I don't want to leave it in the hands of someone else in case they stuff it up. So, still undecided whether this one stays a script or not.

Great advice with the whole 'going for the lead (primary) vision first. That sort of advice was exactly why I asked for your thoughts on this one.

Daniel


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danbotha
Posted: June 1st, 2012, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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Latest draft is up! Thanks Don.

I would love to hear from people who have previously commented on this one and anyone else who has any thoughts.

Daniel


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Forgive
Posted: June 1st, 2012, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hey Dan - glad to see the re-write is up - one of the hardest part of writing. I'm guessing you've not re-written before - it's a difficult trick to get right, and I think you'll get the hang of it.

First off - I've seen this happen lots of times, so it's not a problem.

IMO - and for good reason - your re-work is worse than the original, but like I say this happens, and it happens a lot - you're in the middle ground now, in between improving your work and pleasing the people who are commenting on your work - middle ground is no-man's land, and as soon as you find your 'style' you'll be on solid ground.

If you read half of the first page - you'll see all your writing style is tentative - this is to be expected. It makes for a second rate read - but as long as you know what is going on you'll improve. It's tentative because you're overly aware of what people are going to think when they read it ... it's good to be bold, but it slights when people slap you for it.

IMO - you've 'down-graded' somewhat - you've explained things for those who can't put two and two together. Eventually, I believe, you'll arrive at a level that you're happy with - my feeling is that it'll be a bit 'up' from here.

So - finally - great to see you re-writing - it's key to the scripting process - but getting the re-write right, is a skill in itself - this is a first bash at it - it missed the mark for me, but then when we're talking about a key-skill, it's really worth working at.

Simon.
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