Thanks Simon

I was wondering how people would take the re-write, as a lot has changed with the story, which I think was the one thing people liked about it (I think).

You are right about me trying to please those who have commented on my work. I felt it necessary to include some of their feedback in the writing as a way of letting them know that I really did appreciate it. Unfortunately, it has come out with a completely different ending, which I didn't actually plan.

Thanks Simon.

Just one question, did you think having those shots with the grandmother explained too much? I was a bit confused as to what you were talking about there...

Daniel

Quoted from danbotha Just one question, did you think having those shots with the grandmother explained too much? I was a bit confused as to what you were talking about there...

I'm not too sure with the shots with the Grandmother - it some ways you've done well to give it another dimension - Nothando is clearly lying, but she's not delusional - which was possible in the first script. Having removed any possibility that she may be delusional, you've introduced the dilemma more clearly in regard to her Grandmother - she really does have a Grandmother - and the Grandmother is clearly sick - and this letter is the last one she will ever see - not only that, but reading it is the last thing she does ... so this introduces a bitter-sweet element to it - as such you've moved one of the focal points of your work (from the possibility of delusion to the sickness of the Grandmother), but you've given a story-element (however brief it may be) to the Grandmother.

I'm split to be honest - maybe put some of your thoughts down while I chew it over some ... ?

Quoted from Forgive I'm not too sure with the shots with the Grandmother - it some ways you've done well to give it another dimension - Nothando is clearly lying, but she's not delusional - which was possible in the first script. Having removed any possibility that she may be delusional, you've introduced the dilemma more clearly in regard to her Grandmother - she really does have a Grandmother - and the Grandmother is clearly sick - and this letter is the last one she will ever see - not only that, but reading it is the last thing she does ... so this introduces a bitter-sweet element to it - as such you've moved one of the focal points of your work (from the possibility of delusion to the sickness of the Grandmother), but you've given a story-element (however brief it may be) to the Grandmother. I'm split to be honest - maybe put some of your thoughts down while I chew it over some ... ?

Right. Now I'm split.

I guess I don't really want to move the focus onto the grandmother, but at the same time, I think it adds a lot to the story. I think I definitely want the grandmother in the film, but maybe not in the last scene...? I want the audience to be focused on Nothando in the last shot, not the grandmother. Possibly switch the last two scenes around?

By the way, this script is going to be produced by a filmmaker based in London. I confirmed the offer last night.

Daniel

Quoted from danbotha By the way, this script is going to be produced by a filmmaker based in London. I confirmed the offer last night.

Congrats on that Dan - well done! They'll probably decide which ending they prefer ... but keep us updated if you hear anything ...

I will certainly do that...

I owe the people here a lot.

Hey Dan,

I gave this another read but it seems anything I would have to say is now redundant. Congrats BTW on getting this produced, that was some fast work my friend and I can see why somebody would want to film this.

Anyway, one point I wanted to make about the story was I didn’t like all the scenes with the old lady/ grandmother interplaying with Nothando’s voiceover. Although I did like the last scene when she’s lying on the floor with the letter in hand and this is a good visual with the voiceover. A sad and sombre ending yet powerful all the same.

Another aspect would be Billy’s reaction over her letter which I thought was over the top and didn’t fit in with what preceded it.

Like I say, it seems unnecessary now as this will be in the hands of someone else so I wish you all the luck with it and keep us informed of how it’s going.

Good work.

Steve

P.S Good on you for giving this rewrite so quickly and pushing forward with this piece… thought it had a lot potential and look forward to seeing it on film.

Thanks Steve

Bit of a mixed response on incorporating the grandmother in this draft. I guess I'm going to have to keep it, for now, anyway.

I can't seem to get the whole Billy scenes right, which is a bit frustrating at the moment.

I will be sure to keep the people at SS informed. Currently, I am getting updates from the director whenever news pops up, so I'll pass it along as soon as I know.

As always, your feedback is appreciated, Steve.

Daniel

Quoted from danbotha I can't seem to get the whole Billy scenes right, which is a bit frustrating at the moment.

Okay - your problem with Billy is a very subtle one, but will require some explanation -- so give me a little time, and chew on it some - because sometimes you have to get literal ...

You introduce Billy and Shaun talking over Nothando - great - even, maybe, clever. We come back to Billy in a short time, but we've been foreshadowed:

1st Problem - The two boys sitting next to her
-- doesn't (and I hate to say this has a subconscious impact on the reader, but I suspect it does) necessitate them ...
2nd Problem - have a conversation over her head. -- doing this.

So:

The two boys sitting next to her,
BILLY and SHAUN try and have a conversation over her head.

Isn't the same as:

Sitting either side of her - BILLY and SHAUN  converse over her head.

NEXT:

Billy snatches the letter from her grasp. He writes a word
on the letter-- "trouble."

-- isn't actually logically possible ... unless he'd been reading the letter - and wanted to help her - he insults her, but - (subtext) still helps her out - (but) couldn't have helped her out unless he'd been taking a sly look at the letter -- which you don't refer to - did you miss the subtext that you were thinking of (that was in the back of your mind, but not on the paper??).

Detail - spot it - but never get bogged down in it.

I like the Billy angle, and it's bugged you, and was spotted by Coop, so I think it's an important slight/subtext that helps to give the story a little extra dimension. See what you think.

I understand that this has been hitched for production and feedback would be sort of night at this point, but dammit I read the script before the comments.

I. Will. Comment.

However I'll try to keep it succinct and bullet point heavy.

• The lack of character descriptions. As mentioned I didn't know whether Nothando visited bathrooms with stalls or without. The one character description that was included belonged to the teacher ("strict, control-freak") which is erroneous. Show don't tell.
  
• English should be capitalized where it's used. Grammar Nazis unite.
  
• On page 3, the line "English class sit" should be "English class sits." More grammar patrol from me.
  
• It's been said. I'm going to say it again. Why? Because I deserve the last word. Billy's dialogue seemed contrived for the plot. I get that you were trying to accentuate Nathando's isolation from the other students but his sudden harsh treatment almost took me out of the story.
  

The most powerful thing about Culture Shock was how easy it was to empathize with the main character. Sympathy was a focal point in my reading experience of the script, and considering what was trying to be accomplished, that's a pretty worthwhile feat.

Congratulations on your production deal. If it goes viral I can now say I was a part of it, no matter how minimal.

Simon I will never be able to thank you enough! The amount of time you have put into helping me out with this script is almost overwhelming! Thank you again for the help. As you said, the issue with Billy is subtle and probably quite easy to fix.

tendai- Thanks for the feedback. Nothing wrong with being a grammar Nazi... If you see something grammatically incorrect, tell me, I don't mind.

Does Billy really come across so harsh that it almost took you out of the story? If so, I had no intention of doing that. I think that Billy definitely needs to be a character in this one. He's supposed to be harsh as I know that kids treat foreigners the way Nothando is treated in the script. It's no secret that kids can be incredibly nasty and I wanted to bring it out.

Daniel

So, nothando's grandma reads english and you have to kill her.

Took me less han 10mn to read.

Not bad.

Hello Daniel,

I only read the first few comments so hopefully I am not repeating to much.

I have to say that I agree with Mohammad there are parts of the script where the wording needs to be rewritten and thinned down a bit.

I also feel that all the characters should be given an age ( as it would make it easier to picture them.

Page 2. tacher replace with teacher.

Page 3 Nathando picks her backpack back up. Why not "Nothando picks her backpack up". Lose the back.
           They busy themselves with writing.     Sounds wrong ???

Page 4. He looks at her disgusted. To me this feels out of place or maybe needs a   different choice of words.

            Continue on, laughing amongst themselves. Maybe lose the ", on"

Pg5.  Miss Bunderfall, herself is seated behind her desk, marking the creative writing tasks.   (Rewrite) Miss Bunderfall sits behind her desk marking the creative writing tasks.

Overall the story was well written though IMO the ending needs a bit more. Not sure what but a bit of spice at the end.

Alex

Quoted from JR So, nothando's grandma reads english and you have to kill her. Took me less han 10mn to read. Not bad.

Thanks James for the read

English is actually an official language in Zimbabwe. It's just Nothando struggles with it a bit more than her grandmother does. I killed the grandmother because she was sick. Personally, I like it when characters die. In this particular case, it's to give the script a bitter-sweet feel. It's to make the reader think "Oh, she made a friend, that's nice... But her grandmother just died..." I find that that technique can be used effectively.

Thanks for the read.

Daniel

Thanks Alex.

You've pointed out some very helpful things on this one. When I write, I find that I often miss out on the small things.

As this one is going to be produced, I don't see it necessary to make any more changes, but feedback is still welcome.

Thanks Alex. I'll have my in depth notes on your own work in soon.

Daniel

Dan - Congrats on getting the script produced. I enjoyed reading about the daily struggles that Nothando faced with being apart from her dying grandmother. The constant teasing from the other students. The ability to get better at reading and writing. Her hard nosed teacher keeping her at bay. Through it all she prevailed. Great job and good luck with the script.