Wow! Love getting back from a holiday and seeing some great feedback!

Thanks DV44. I'm glad that you enjoyed the story and you were able to feel for Nothando.

Let me know if I can return the read, eh?

Daniel

For those of you who are interested, I thought I'd give an update. I recently spoke to the director and the film has been cast. He plans on filming in October.

Daniel

Great news, Daniel. Closest I've gotten to getting something produced was an email from an unknown who disappeared off the face of the earth the next day.

I read the rewrite, which I thought was better than the original but IMO another rewrite would have been beneficial. Who cares though! You've gotten it produced, which is basically the aim for most writers I presume.

Thanks nawazm,

Believe me, I've had the old 'hit and run' thing as well. Bloody producers getting our hopes up lol.


In all seriousness, it really is great having something filmed. From what I can tell, the director is incredibly experienced, so I have my fingers crossed for an awesome film.

This one would have gone through a r-write had it not been for the offer. It's the script that I treasure the most. My little baby.

Cheers,
Daniel

Hey, Daniel

For some reason I thought I'd read this but now I realise I haven't...

Might be a bit redundant to offer my thoughts as I hear this is being produced, congrats on that.

Anyway, I enjoyed this but some things niggled me.  I didn't like Billy's rant at Nothando, it seemed to come from nowhere.  Nothando says she struggles with some English, perhaps she could have misspelled some words in her letter?  Also there were a few instances when you could have worded action better to help the flow.

Great news though that is being produced, fingers crossed it turns out well.

Thanks alffy,

I know this isn't the first time I've spoken to you, so I know you must have reviewed one of my scripts. Not sure which one(s) though.

Billy's rant wasn't supposed to be as harsh as what it has come out. I wanted it to seem like he was slowly getting annoyed with her writing until he eventually snapped. It wasn't supposed to be so sudden, so sorry about that

As for the broken english, I guess I could have had  more misspelled words. I remember having a few of them in the V.O. but perhaps that isn't enough?

Anyway, thanks for the read. I appreciate it. Pretty sure I've provided feedback on your most recent works, but I might just double check that.

Cheers,

Daniel

Hey Daniel.

I actually saw this pop up a couple months ago on the portal and the logline intrigued me, (I'm a fan of well thought out dramas), so I put it in my queue.  With my schedule opening up over the next couple of weeks, I figured I'd check it out.

From reading through a couple of other comments, I can see this has already gotten produced, or is in production.  Is there a link to it if it is already produced?  I guess script notes would be kind of a mook point since this has already been picked up, but I can share my feelings about the story.

First of all, I took a gander at your file.  Are you really only 15 years old?  Holy crap, dude.  This was a solid sentimental story for a 15 year-old to write.  Even if someone was in their 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's or older, it's a strong showing.

Yes, it may be overwritten, but you'll catch on soon enough on little tricks how you can streamline your work.  Here's one example that stuck out to me:

EXT. SCHOOL TENNIS COURTS - DAY
It’s lunchtime at the school. Teenagers walk in groups
talking loudly amongst each other. Many students play ball
games with their friends. Rugby, soccer, basketball.
Nothando walks along the courts, by herself, glancing
nervously around. She spots a group of girls playing netball
on the far side of the tennis courts.

You don't even need that scene, because the same exact thing happens after the shot of the grandmother.  And you explain the same exact thing over.

What's more, is you can even mash the other scene of Nothando getting a sandwich knocked out of her hands into this one.

If you don't understand what I mean about streamlining your work, let me know and I'll show you some direct examples of editing for you.

The ending is very abrupt and anti-climactic.  You have a great build-up, we're interested in the lies that she's telling her grandma, but then, just sudden death.  And nothing else.  No closure.  Nothing.  I'm interested to see how the director is going to handle this.

But, despite the ending, this was still a very powerful and sentimental story that I was happy to have read.  Let me know when this is all finished in production if it's not already.

I'll be checking some more of your stuff out soon.

- Mark

(EDIT:  Just noticed that the story has been cast and slated for October.  Sorry, I didn't notice that post before.)

Hey Mark,

Thanks for the feedback, really appreciate the time.

Quoted from rc1107 I guess script notes would be kind of a mook point since this has already been picked up...

Not true. Even though this one is getting produced, feedback is still appreciated. I'm still looking to improve on future shorts as well as a feature length I'm wanting to write.

I think I got the main point of streamlining... I think

Not gonna lie, I've been struggling with the ending for this one. I just can't seem to get it right. As for the director, he may be filming the original draft, rather than this one. I accepted the offer about three days after posting this, so I'm not sure which version is actually being filmed. Think I might send him an email to find out.

Anyway, thanks Mark. I see you have a new draft of 'Thistles' up. I'll definitely take another look at that one

Daniel

Hey Daniel.

Hope I catch you before you start reading the new draft of Thistles.  There's almost no difference at all between the old posting and new posting, even though there's a sixteen page difference.

The reason there's a new draft is because I wrote it from Microsoft Word and put it into the proper formatting of Trelby, and I wanted the properly formatted version of Thistles on SS.  My Microsoft Word format had different margins, which inflated the page count.

I did streamline some of the transitions and brushed up some of the dialog, but there's almost no difference.

I appreciate the offer, though.  :-)

- Mark

Ok, Mark.

I still kinda want to re-read the script anyway, whether it's changed, or not

Hey, Dan
sorry it took me so long to read this newest version of your script.
I haven't had a chance to read any scripts in about 2 months.

I really like the changes you made. I thought the ending of the original was a slight bit confusing, but you nailed it this time!
I like it. It reads pretty quick.

There are a few errors, but nothing major.

Look forward to reading more of your work.

Also, congrats on getting it produced. Cool to see that your thread is hot.

Steex,

No worries. We all get a little busy at times, so I can understand you taking your time.

Great to see the new ending working for some people. I've had mixed reviews on that. Personally I like it, so it's here to stay

As for those minor errors, I wouldn't mind hearing a little more about them. Please, if you can spare the time, do you mind pointing those out. It may not help this script much, but I'd definitely love to improve for future scripts.

Thanks for providing some feedback. Awesome to see the first commenters coming back for another read

Daniel

Some more great news for this script!

Recently approved an offer from a Film professor at the Art Institute of Phoenix who wants to film this script as an '... example of a film I want my students to produce...'

Can't wait to see the final result!