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Serial Killer (currently 5882 views) |
CoopBazinga |
Posted: May 20th, 2012, 2:20am |
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Old Timer
LocationPerth, Australia Posts1175 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
My Dad lives in Perth if that counts...
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I guess it will have to do... |
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Reply: 15 - 57 |
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Alex_212 |
Posted: May 20th, 2012, 8:07am |
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New Dog Eat Dog
LocationUtopia DownUnder Posts491 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
Thanks all,
Sorry for taking so long to respond though I just realized my script had been posted.
I really appreciate all your responses and have read through them and found some great points. I will go through these tomorrow and edit/redo parts of the script.
I am new to this and wrote a few short simply to gain some experience and knowledge and the responses are certainly helping.
This script was meant as a bit of fun and I never took it to serious though will redo it to incorporate the comments posted. I am waiting for another script to be posted that I have put a significant amount of more effort writing and I am looking forward to all your thoughts with that as well.
Once again thanks All and looking forward to getting to know you all in the future
Regards Alex |
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Reply: 16 - 57 |
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danbotha |
Posted: May 20th, 2012, 11:07pm |
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Been Around
LocationWellington, New Zealand Posts700 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Thanks all,
Sorry for taking so long to respond though I just realized my script had been posted.
I really appreciate all your responses and have read through them and found some great points. I will go through these tomorrow and edit/redo parts of the script.
I am new to this and wrote a few short simply to gain some experience and knowledge and the responses are certainly helping.
This script was meant as a bit of fun and I never took it to serious though will redo it to incorporate the comments posted. I am waiting for another script to be posted that I have put a significant amount of more effort writing and I am looking forward to all your thoughts with that as well.
Once again thanks All and looking forward to getting to know you all in the future
Regards Alex |
Welcome to SS!! Hope you learn many new things on this site. I think it's awesome! |
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Reply: 17 - 57 |
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Alex_212 |
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 1:37am |
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New Dog Eat Dog
LocationUtopia DownUnder Posts491 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
Thanks danbotha,
I am learning quickly !!!!
Alex |
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Reply: 18 - 57 |
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nastynate |
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 2:43am |
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LocationEast Coast Posts34 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Hey, I'm a little late to the party here, but I have to agree with the majority of the previous posts. I know I probably sound like a broken record, but even though this is just a 2 page sample with a ton of problems, it still shows a lot of promise.
There's an abundance of description and the story isn't focused, but I can definitely see your potential as a storyteller if you continue to keep at it. For now I'd just try to tell a simple story and slowly mix in the weirder elements as you go. Maybe if you wrote a detailed outline before it could help make the story more cohesive? Good luck and keep plugging along! Nate
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Reply: 19 - 57 |
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Alex_212 |
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 2:59am |
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New Dog Eat Dog
LocationUtopia DownUnder Posts491 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
Thanks Nate
I have done a bundle of changes to the script and have resubmitted it.
It still probably needs more work though a lot of the appreciated comments have been taken into account.
The title has changed from the last version though the logline has not been updated. Sorry
Regards Alex |
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
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Reply: 20 - 57 |
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Colkurtz8 |
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 9:23am |
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Old Timer
Location--> Over There Posts1731 Posts Per Day 0.30 |
Alex
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t smile at the last line even though its rather lame and I suspected as much from the title.
Not much more to be said except the writing is overly descriptive and laborious. This skit could’ve been wrapped up in a page without all the superfluous details of him walking here and there.
Keep at it.
Col. |
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Reply: 21 - 57 |
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tailbest |
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 11:55am |
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New
LocationChrist, I can't find it. Posts80 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Alex,
Not a whole lot to add that hasnt been said. You are very heavy with the description. Make sure what you decide to emphasize has something to do with the story being told. I thought some of the description about creeping into the house was okay. I also didnt know why you gave away the twist in the title. Anyway, welcome to SS and hopefully some of the reviews will help out. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
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Reply: 22 - 57 |
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Alex_212 |
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 1:26am |
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New Dog Eat Dog
LocationUtopia DownUnder Posts491 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
Thanks Tailbest,
I have changed the name as it did give things away, and had also thought of doing this previously though the comments have reinforced this.
I have also taken out sections and amended the end so the length remains though with more relevant things happening.
Regards Alex |
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Reply: 23 - 57 |
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steven8 |
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 3:27am |
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Old Timer The Ed Wood of Simply Scripts
LocationBarberton, OH Posts1156 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
I fully understand. I often kill 3 - 4 boxes a week m'self! Funny little story. The set up with all the people doing odd little jobs on the street reminded me of how Alfered Hitchcock would set things up. All those potential witnesses. The little girl being thrown in as a possible target. I like it! |
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Reply: 24 - 57 |
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Alex_212 |
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 3:40am |
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New Dog Eat Dog
LocationUtopia DownUnder Posts491 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
Thanks Steven8
Its funny how others say these parts where not relevant and to remove them and you like them.
It goes to show you that there may not be a right and a wrong way to do things ??
We are all different !!!! And have different opinions.
I love it !!!!! No one is wrong !!!
In the world 20 million would love something and another 20 million may hate it !!!!
Thanks for reading my script and i appreciate your thoughts
Regards Alex
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Reply: 25 - 57 |
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Alex_212 |
Posted: June 11th, 2012, 8:19am |
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New Dog Eat Dog
LocationUtopia DownUnder Posts491 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
Hi all,
Thanks for all your comments and please find the updated version now posted.
Looking forward to further comments
Please note the title has been amended though the log line has not been amended. Sorry.
Regards Alex |
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Reply: 26 - 57 |
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stevemiles |
Posted: June 11th, 2012, 11:57am |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Alex,
thought I'd give this a look since the re-write. Not much to add in terms of the concept, it's a one joke shot with mixed appeal.
In terms of the writing it seems you've worked to cut out some of the superfluous stuff. I recall there being a longer intro in the original, so you're on the right track. Still a few bits here and there you might want to consider:
INT. - HOUSE - LAUNDRY - MORNING A pile of dirty washing lines the floor. The noise from the washing machine can be heard.
He Pushes a door open to reveal a vacant toilet and breathes a sigh of relief.
Could try:
INT. HOUSE - LAUNDRY - MORNING
RUMBLE of a WASHING MACHINE.
CK pauses by a door. Tenses as he opens it , empty. He relaxes.
Or something like that.
You could argue this whole quick scene could go, skipping straight to the HOUSE - PASSAGE scene. It really gives us nothing relevant to the story, could even combine the two.
Naming the schoolgirl Sienna: Maybe a personal thing for me, but I'd probably just leave it at Schoolgirl seeing as it's a short and she's only one line. Probably not a biggie though.
Don't think FADE OUT/FADE IN halfway through the script are necessary. Could cut straight from the shower to the knife with more impact. The timing of the FADES would look odd?
'He lift the bread knife' -- should be 'He lifts the bread knife' there's a few words missing plurals here, maybe read it aloud to yourself a few times to catch them.
I think you've mentioned this is your first script. Still working these things out myself so don't feel this is a negative view, just keep reading other works and getting your own stuff out there.
Steve. |
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Reply: 27 - 57 |
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Gage |
Posted: June 11th, 2012, 12:27pm |
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New
Posts221 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Glad to see it's a lot shorter and cleaner than the original read.
I also liked that you kept the "stabbing multiple times with a vengeance" line. That won't translate onto screen exactly, but it made me laugh.
Overall, it's better, but the concept itself is just too well known of a joke. There's not too much you can do with a single joke that's been dragged out to death, unless you flip it on its side: like if the murderer killed people USING cereal.
Anyways, good improvements. A few spelling mistakes. |
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Reply: 28 - 57 |
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Alex_212 |
Posted: June 11th, 2012, 8:06pm |
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New Dog Eat Dog
LocationUtopia DownUnder Posts491 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
Thanks Steve and AsteroidJuice,
As mentioned it was the first script i completed and the other few shorts followed it.
I am learning quickly, and feel all the comments are constructive and i dont take anything to heart. You can only improve by listening to those who are the experts and I have learnt so much from all you guys in such a short time.
Asteroidjuice, i looked up Cereal Killer on youtube and there are many references to it though nothing similar where someone kills a box of cereal !! I have also written a much shorter version as a television commercial.
Regards Alex |
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Reply: 29 - 57 |
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