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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Serial Killer Moderators: bert
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  Author    Serial Killer  (currently 5882 views)
CoopBazinga
Posted: May 20th, 2012, 2:20am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from danbotha


My Dad lives in Perth if that counts...


I guess it will have to do...
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Alex_212
Posted: May 20th, 2012, 8:07am Report to Moderator
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Thanks all,

Sorry for taking so long to respond though I just realized my script had been posted.

I really appreciate all your responses and have read through them and found some great points.
I will go through these tomorrow and edit/redo parts of the script.

I am new to this and wrote a few short simply to gain some experience and knowledge and the responses are certainly helping.

This script was meant as a bit of fun and I never took it to serious though will redo it to incorporate the comments posted.
I am waiting for another script to be posted that I have put a significant amount of more effort writing and I am looking forward to all your thoughts with that as well.

Once again thanks All and looking forward to getting to know you all in the future

Regards Alex


PLEASE TAKE A PEEK AT SOME OF MY WORK:-

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danbotha
Posted: May 20th, 2012, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Alex_212
Thanks all,

Sorry for taking so long to respond though I just realized my script had been posted.

I really appreciate all your responses and have read through them and found some great points.
I will go through these tomorrow and edit/redo parts of the script.

I am new to this and wrote a few short simply to gain some experience and knowledge and the responses are certainly helping.

This script was meant as a bit of fun and I never took it to serious though will redo it to incorporate the comments posted.
I am waiting for another script to be posted that I have put a significant amount of more effort writing and I am looking forward to all your thoughts with that as well.

Once again thanks All and looking forward to getting to know you all in the future

Regards Alex


Welcome to SS!!

Hope you learn many new things on this site. I think it's awesome!




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Alex_212
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 1:37am Report to Moderator
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Thanks danbotha,

I am learning quickly !!!!

Alex


PLEASE TAKE A PEEK AT SOME OF MY WORK:-

CLICK HERE: Please comment or PM me.
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nastynate
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 2:43am Report to Moderator
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Hey,
I'm a little late to the party here, but I have to agree with the majority of the previous posts. I know I probably sound like a broken record, but even though this is just a 2 page sample with a ton of problems, it still shows a lot of promise.

There's an abundance of description and the story isn't focused, but I can definitely see your potential as a storyteller if you continue to keep at it. For now I'd just try to tell a simple story and slowly mix in the weirder elements as you go. Maybe if you wrote a detailed outline before it could help make the story more cohesive?
Good luck and keep plugging along!
Nate


New comedy short, "CRIME SCENE REENACTMENTS." The only TV show that lets actual crime victims reenact the worst moments of their lives for your viewing pleasure.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1337896711/
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Alex_212
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 2:59am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Nate

I have done a bundle of changes to the script and have resubmitted it.

It still probably needs more work though a lot of the appreciated comments have been taken into account.

The title has changed from the last version though the logline has not been updated. Sorry

Regards Alex


PLEASE TAKE A PEEK AT SOME OF MY WORK:-

CLICK HERE: Please comment or PM me.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Alex_212  -  June 11th, 2012, 8:23am
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Colkurtz8
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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Alex

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t smile at the last line even though its rather lame and I suspected as much from the title.

Not much more to be said except the writing is overly descriptive and laborious. This skit could’ve been wrapped up in a page without all the superfluous details of him walking here and there.

Keep at it.

Col.


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tailbest
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Alex,

Not a whole lot to add that hasnt been said. You are very heavy with the description. Make sure what you decide to emphasize has something to do with the story being told. I thought some of the description about creeping into the house was okay. I also didnt know why you gave away the twist in the title. Anyway, welcome to SS and hopefully some of the reviews will help out.


"Why don't we just...wait here for a little while...see what happens?"

MY WORK

2 versions of my short script: "Writer's Block"? Why not.

Version 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmMqDVoAwCA

Version 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuSg1vZ50GQ

My lame webpage: http://tailbest.blogspot.com/

Revision History (1 edits)
tailbest  -  May 22nd, 2012, 3:18pm
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Alex_212
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 1:26am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Tailbest,

I have changed the name as it did give things away, and had also thought of doing this previously though the comments have reinforced this.

I have also taken out sections and amended the end so the length remains though with more relevant things happening.

Regards Alex


PLEASE TAKE A PEEK AT SOME OF MY WORK:-

CLICK HERE: Please comment or PM me.
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steven8
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 3:27am Report to Moderator
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I fully understand.  I often kill 3 - 4 boxes a week m'self!  

Funny little story.  The set up with all the people doing odd little jobs on the street reminded me of how Alfered Hitchcock would set things up.  All those potential witnesses.  

The little girl being thrown in as a possible target.

I like it!


...in no particular order
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Alex_212
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 3:40am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Steven8

Its funny how others say these parts where not relevant and to remove them and you like them.

It goes to show you that there may not be a right and a wrong way to do things ??

We are all different !!!! And have different opinions.

I love it !!!!! No one is wrong !!!

In the world 20 million would love something and another 20 million may hate it !!!!

Thanks for reading my script and i appreciate your thoughts

Regards Alex



PLEASE TAKE A PEEK AT SOME OF MY WORK:-

CLICK HERE: Please comment or PM me.
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Alex_212
Posted: June 11th, 2012, 8:19am Report to Moderator
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Hi  all,

Thanks for all your comments and please find the updated version now posted.

Looking forward to further comments

Please note the title has been amended though the log line has not been amended. Sorry.

Regards Alex


PLEASE TAKE A PEEK AT SOME OF MY WORK:-

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stevemiles
Posted: June 11th, 2012, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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Alex,

thought I'd give this a look since the re-write.  Not much to add in terms of the concept, it's a one joke shot with mixed appeal.

In terms of the writing it seems you've worked to cut out some of the superfluous stuff. I recall there being a longer intro in the original, so you're on the right track.  Still a few bits here and there you might want to consider:

INT. - HOUSE - LAUNDRY - MORNING

A pile of dirty washing lines the floor. The noise from the
washing machine can be heard.

He Pushes a door open to reveal a vacant toilet and breathes
a sigh of relief.

Could try:

INT. HOUSE - LAUNDRY - MORNING

RUMBLE of a WASHING MACHINE.

CK pauses by a door. Tenses as he opens it , empty. He relaxes.

Or something like that.

You could argue this whole quick scene could go, skipping straight to the HOUSE - PASSAGE scene. It really gives us nothing relevant to the story, could even combine the two.

Naming the schoolgirl Sienna: Maybe a personal thing for me, but I'd probably just leave it at Schoolgirl seeing as it's a short and she's only one line.  Probably not a biggie though.

Don't think FADE OUT/FADE IN halfway through the script are necessary.  Could cut straight from the shower to the knife with more impact.  The timing of the FADES would look odd?

'He lift the bread knife' -- should be 'He lifts the bread knife' there's a few words missing plurals here, maybe read it aloud to yourself a few times to catch them.

I think you've mentioned this is your first script.  Still working these things out myself so don't feel this is a negative view, just keep reading other works and getting your own stuff out there.

Steve.      


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Gage
Posted: June 11th, 2012, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Glad to see it's a lot shorter and cleaner than the original read.

I also liked that you kept the "stabbing multiple times with a vengeance" line.  That won't translate onto screen exactly, but it made me laugh.

Overall, it's better, but the concept itself is just too well known of a joke.  There's not too much you can do with a single joke that's been dragged out to death, unless you flip it on its side: like if the murderer killed people USING cereal.

Anyways, good improvements.  A few spelling mistakes.


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Alex_212
Posted: June 11th, 2012, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Steve and AsteroidJuice,

As mentioned it was the first script i completed and the other few shorts followed it.

I am learning quickly, and feel all the comments are constructive and i dont take anything to heart. You can only improve by listening to those who are the experts and I have learnt so much from all you guys in such a short time.

Asteroidjuice, i looked up Cereal Killer on youtube and there are many references to it though nothing similar where someone kills a box of cereal !! I have also written a much shorter version as a television commercial.

Regards Alex


PLEASE TAKE A PEEK AT SOME OF MY WORK:-

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